Helicopter parenting vs. benign neglect (the "I survived" argument)

[houseelf]

I'm kind of glad you posed this question because it made me solidify and verbalize methods I was already implementing. (Theory-shmery. Labels reduce and oversimplify things). When I draw back, I realize that I feel like sometimes parents short change long term goals of independence, judgment, self sufficiency, and resourcefulness for short term, immediate fears. Obviously, these fears are justified. Bad things happen all.the.time. Even one time is one time too many. Nonetheless, all of life is a risk. There are real long term risks by not fostering some freedom and independence. I'm not saying to convince anyone else of this belief, it's just something I've sort of arrived at through my own childhood experience and fourteen years of "winging it". LOL. I try to always assess a cost benefit analysis. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I miss it. Maybe the question we should be asking ourselves is what is our short term, intermediate, and long term goals?

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I'm always telling DH to parent for the long term. When he gives in on something simple or does something that she can do for herself, I'm like please let her do it and learn about putting effort into things. "Parent for the long term" is one of my mantras.

But he (quite rightly) has also accused me of letting my long term goal come at the expense of the sweetness of our short term relationship. Aka, you don't have to go nuclear on her for every little damn thing. She's not going to become a serial killer because she disobeyed in the grocery store at 2.5.

It's really hard...I see lots of good in both positions and am always seeking balance.

[PrincessFiona]

A great comparison chart about Crimes on TV News vs. Crimes in Real Life. NOTE: 99.5% of Americans will never experience ANY violent crime.

Abductions in perspective:
Number of children age 2 – 14 killed in car accidents, as passengers: 1300
Number of children killed each year by family members and acquaintances: About 1000
Number of children abducted in “stereotypical kidnappings” (kidnapped by a stranger for ransom or for sexual purposes and/or transported away) in 1999, the most recent year for which we have statistics: 115.
Number of those children killed by their abductor: About 50.
Murders of children by abductors constitute less than one half of 1% of all murders in America.

Stranger Danger?
Of all children under age 5 murdered from 1976-2005 –
31% were killed by fathers
29% were killed by mothers
23% were killed by male acquaintances
7% were killed by other relatives
3% were killed by strangers

Put it another way: The Department of Justice reports that of the 800,000 children reported “missing” in the United States each year, 115 are the result of “stereotypical kidnapping” — a stranger snatching the child. About 90 percent of abductees return home within 24 hours and the vast majority are teenage runaways.

Well, as one of the 115, I'm an overprotective parent. I would never leave my 4 year old in the car for any reason. Not ever. (the referenced article) I would have called the police. That being said, I skew in the direction of not giving my children enough independent experiences until they are older and I often wonder if that hurts them in some way. I didn't let my kids leave our cul-de-sac in the old house until they were 10. Zoe is 8 and is finally able to go over to her friends house for short periods but most play dates happen at our house. That's my comfort zone. Hell, Zoe still sleeps with us. I've been shaped by my experience. I think parents aren't protective enough anymore. Children don't get enough supervision.

I'm overprotective, but I'm not a helicopter parent. I let my kids experience success and failure on their own terms at school and I don't interfere with their selection to academic extensions or sports teams. I help when I'm asked by my children, but I generally speaking stay out of their way. They pick their activities with my guidance and I make sure that they get to all of their practices and rehearsals.

If I had it to do over with Andrew, I would have given him more independence earlier. I regret that. I am working on giving Alex and Aidan more experiences. That being said, I find it highly ridiculous that parents are letting their preschool-aged children have free reign of the neighborhood. There should be more adult supervision than there is.

[diggitydot]

I think there's a happy middle ground in here.

Kids having age-appropriate decision making skills is important. Knowing when they're out of their depth and that parental involvement is warranted is a learned skill that kids need a little room to practice.

[Sheherezade]

I think it's all a crap shoot. I've shied away from this conversation because I feel like there isn't a real answer. You need to decide day by day, kid by kid. Also, I have no idea if I've made the right choices for my own; we will see. I'm just doing the best I can.

That said, I also experienced multiple moments if childhood trauma in my "free range" childhood as a latchkey kid. Believe me, even one moment of exploitation can leave your child in therapy when they are...45? Later? And those accidental brushes with danger that happened when you weren't watching will affect how they raise their children, too. So, don't poo-poo they affects of "free range" gone wrong.

As I said, we all just do the best we can. The whole "I survived" excuse is just judgement of other parents. It's BS.

[Pollyanna]

Parenting for the long term is important but if you set that as your only goal and your only focus you won't arrive at the destination because you have spent so much time looking into the distance you missed the steps that took you off the path.

Dd20 BFF was from a Chinese family. They helicoptered like it was an art form. They parented like it was their #1 priority and didn't give a damn what anyone thought. Those three children are far more independent than you can imagine and doing very well. They didn't push back from their parents lessons and learned from their parents mistakes. You don't always have to make your own mistakes, if you're smart you learn from others. We try to pass that on to our children. Look, if everyone learned from their mistakes the jails would be empty and kids wouldn't continue to do the same dumb things time and time again.

Like Angie said, it can be a crapshoot. And it's a day to day adventure in which everyday is different as is every child.

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

Thought you guys might find this interesting (unless this is the article to which you're referring -- in which case ignore me)!

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3202328

[houseelf]

I love and agree almost of all what was said in the article, but loathe the inferiority complex that US culture seems to have in the media over the past few years.

Most importantly, there are many ways to raise a happy, healthy, successful human being. !Viva la difference!

[spotty_dog]

I think I saw that article a while ago...and it about sums up my parenting style, from "spoil thy baby" to "let 5-year-olds use knives".

How about this one? http://www.theatlantic.com/features/...-alone/358631/

The Alfie Kohn book addresses all of this, FWIW. It makes me want to proudly reclaim the terminology "permissive parenting". Here's his NY Times article based on the book: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/04/op...-too-easy.html

[Pollyanna]

I love and agree almost of all what was said in the article, but loathe the inferiority complex that US culture seems to have in the media over the past few years.

Most importantly, there are many ways to raise a happy, healthy, successful human being. !Viva la difference!

Rather obnoxious isn't it?

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

I love and agree almost of all what was said in the article, but loathe the inferiority complex that US culture seems to have in the media over the past few years.

Most importantly, there are many ways to raise a happy, healthy, successful human being. !Viva la difference!

Haha true...I'll admit though, I don't have kids, but I don't know that I would feel über comfortable with my 5 yr old wielding a knife! I end up cutting myself all the time and I know how to properly cut things!*. But it's definitely something to consider!

*note: knowing and doing are 2 diff things, obviously!

[SoonerTexan]

So curious though...if your 5 year old cuts themselves badly, is the ER going to get CPS all over your ass for neglect? Not that I'm against it at that stage. I think I was cutting items around that time and cooking full meals by 12

[poky]

So curious though...if your 5 year old cuts themselves badly, is the ER going to get CPS all over your ass for neglect? Not that I'm against it at that stage. I think I was cutting items around that time and cooking full meals by 12

I could ask DH to be sure, but my gut says that with no prior questionable visits, and no other red flags, and a 5yo saying "I was cutting carrots!", they might document it thoroughly, and do a physical exam to be sure there aren't hidden bruises or anything, but I wouldn't think it'd be reportable to let your kindergartner help with dinner.

[houseelf]

Um, I don't know. When the ER asks us "when did this accident occur" we've had to respond with things like, "Oh, you know a few days ago. We THOUGHT it was alright. Let's not get all focused in on the dates!" Lol.