How American parenting is killing the american marriage...

[PrincessFiona]

http://qz.com/273255/how-american-pa...ican-marriage/

I really feel like there is something to this.

For many years, I feel like I had an "us against dh" mentality. He was the provider and I was busy making sure I was in attendance at every game, recital, practice etc. I didn't feel like I could feel dislike for one of my kids, because I am the mom ... my love is unconditional ... feeling like my kid was a jerk? terrible.

We did an about face a couple of years ago and things lined up with dh and I together on one team. He has taken on some untraditional roles, like taking Zoe to orchestra and dance, and I have missed some classes and practices.
We also started focusing again on time for us as a couple instead of on the kids or the family. It's the best thing we ever could have done for our family and our marriage.

What do you think?

Kris

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

This is definitely something I noticed recently. In particular with some moms from my church, mommy and kids vs selfish daddy who just wants to have a conversation with his wife. I think it happens gradually with the neediness of infants but when parents aren't on the same page, I think kids know it by age 3-4.

My SIL takes the mommy thing to the extreme. She sleeps in a separate room with her children until they turn 3 ( not family bed, her DH is alone in their master bed). She gloats that their kids like her more, blaming her DH that the kids like her because she's "invested more time with them" which is rather damaging since she can only do that bc her DH works (she chose to stay home).

I really do think loving your spouse is a very powerful thing for your kids to see if you can make it work. Obviously great kids can come out of non-married/divorced parents (my parents aren't together) but I do think the united parental front is a strong unit that helps kids feel safe.

[diggitydot]

How American parenting is killing the american marriage...

I can totally see this issue with some peeps.

My sister during her first marriage was all about the show of being the perfect mom present at every event in her over-scheduled kids' lives. Her relationship with her husband didn't even crack the top ten in her priorities list. Zero shock that she had multiple affairs and divorced husband #1.

A lot of people in our society have a real problem with moderation, in general. A strong relationship with our kids doesn't need to come at the expense of our relationship with our spouse.

[Vishenka69]

I agree with the general sentiment but don't think the problem is unique to our country or generation.

I try not to revolve our life completely around the kids and their needs but don't want to blatantly ignore them either. I have seen a number of my parents friends' marriages crumble after kids leave for college and the couple realize they have nothing keeping them together. It's also important to me to model a loving relationship, in which both partners respect each other. I also think that spending 13 yrs together prior to having kids has helped us.

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[SuzySunshine]

I can see how it is an issue but I agree I don't think its just an American issue. I was just having this conversation with a mom/fellow dr spouse that I met yesterday - her kids are even older then mine, 8 and 10. She was saying how her and her DH don't go out much b/c their kids are little - hah! Nope, not us. We got out at least once a month, just us and its definitely more often now. Every Wednesday night I have a sitter come, she takes the kids to practice, feeds them, puts them to bed, I go to the CC and play golf or tennis. If I don't have anyone to play with and DH finished early we have a date night. We spend quality time with our kids but we also spend quality time with each other.

[Thirteen]

We need more "us" time, and were working towards it, then we moved and had DS2.

I won't wait as long to find someone that I trust (here) to watch my kids.
It's scary to think about a sitter, but I'm confident we can find a person that meets our criteria.


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[Sheherezade]

Eh, I don't know. Granted my kids are older. If anything for US I think the pressure to do couple stuff (or you marriage will be over!!! *eyeroll*) on top of work stuff (most important time of your career, you know) and have meaningful family time is just one more thing to worry about.

Honestly, I think people need to stop giving advice on how others should run their lives. It's an industry just like the parenting books and people have agendas.

FWIW, we go out frequently now - at least once a week- and I'm longing for sleep.


Angie

[spaz]

I agree, but for us it was a backward dynamic. Actually, when our children were small we did ok. But when my boys got to middle school my husband suddenly realized what little time he had left, my husband went ballistic. He had to schedule a special trip for each one of them with him alone every 12-18 months ( a very long weekend or week long trip). He was/is all about family. He was savoring every single moment he had and we had to be all together. I remember my oldest's senior year, he was "This is the last living Nativity we will visit as a family...this is the last....) About that same time I woke up and said, "Hey!!! I'm here. " He thought being with the family meant being with me. He thought doing things with the kid was doing things with me. I said that we needed we time. He said there will be plenty of time for that when the kids are gone. We will have all the time in the world. Sorry, but I wasn't waiting that long. I finally got him to go on a retreat with just us two. We went camping and part of what we did was list out our priorities and plan out some things. We had a great weekend but I was really hurt by his priority list ( though I didn't tell him. I wanted him to enjoy the weekend and not to force him to feel the way he I did.) But he listed them as 1. God 2. Family 3. Work 4. Me 5. Mission Work Now he did say that I was included in the family thing ( which is true). But I struggled with him mightily over the last couple of years to see me as sexy, individual, interesting woman and not Ma who sits on the porch with Pa and revolves their whole lives around them. I still remember when we took our oldest to college last year. He fell into a deep depression for a couple of weeks. I was SO excited for our son. My husband missed him terribly. Our family was destroyed... His question on the way back from taking him, what in the world are we going to do when it is just the two of us, said in a mournful, despairing voice made me so sad. I was thinking...well we can go do whatever we want when we want. We can make love on the couch, on the floor. We can walk around the house naked. Sounds fun to me ( Not that I said that at the time...) I don't know if that woke him up or if my persistent ( yet hopefully not nagging. I don't think so as I asked him once and he emphatically said I had never nagged) plea for dates and spending time just the two of us is finally paying off. His Thursday afternoons have become our time together. We have a night away this month and a long weekend away in December.

So like I say, for us it is backward. In a way I thought this quotation from the article is basically what my husband WAS saying:
Mothers must devote themselves to their children above anyone or anything else, but many wives would be offended if their husbands said, “You’re pretty great, but my love for you will never hold a candle to the love I have for John Junior.”

And this is where I have struggled. I feel like mothering is my primary job but it isn't all that I am.

That said, I did not think that was a very well written article or particularly thought provoking.

[Vanquisher]

I think the parenting thing has become a religion and out-of-control. The bento box lunches, the four-star-themed birthday soirées, the constant need to have kids 18 different activities, with homemade baby food, and delayed vaccine schedules, and just all of it.

I've never been on board with all that. I don't fit in there. My relationship with my hubby is a top priority. We've always tried to carve out couple time. He's always been willing to parent. He's always been willing to take kids to lessons and bathe them and feed them and change diapers (doctor time permitting). We're a team and are on the same page.

I like what we've done. I like where our marriage is.

[Pollyanna]

Put me in the, "eh" camp. The part about divorce happening during empty nesting is not new. I remember my mom talking about many of her friends that got divorced when the kids left for college and she always commented on how they didn't maintain their relationship but only focused on the kids.

The excessive parenting is new in some respects but also just more reported on and written about imo. It seems everyone thinks they have a duty to comment on other folks parenting.

Honestly, I think people need to stop giving advice on how others should run their lives. It's an industry just like the parenting books and people have agendas.

I completely agree with Angie on this. Dh and I rarely, I mean rarely, get a date night. We have never taken a trip without the children and many nights we wake with a little one in our bed. Based on bloggers opinions we should be on the verge of divorce. We find other ways to stay close and connect and keep our marriage healthy and at the forefront of our lives.

I'm also with Spaz on the lack of insight and poor writing. It seemed the author published her first draft and never completed her thoughts or really tied them together.

He's always been willing to parent. He's always been willing to take kids to lessons and bathe them and feed them and change diapers (doctor time permitting). We're a team and are on the same page.

Yes, this too. Dh and I have always parented as a team. Driving kids to dance/soccer/school. Its not even something we discuss, it's simply understood.

[peggyfromwastate]

This gets much much trickier to balance as the kids get older. The schools designate one parent as the go-to, and there are so many meetings, assignments, special events, fundraisers, etc. All this info is passed on to the primary. The primary is generally in charge of arranging all carpools, extracurriculars, play dates, etc. If the primary doesn't care to go thru the schedule minute by minute with the other parent, it's easy to get out if touch about the schedule. Of course the kids will relate more to one parent or another...

My dd6 wrote a little book yesterday (like every day) but it said, "my daddy thinks I am a princess" and all she ever writes about me is "my mommy takes me places" or "my mommy feeds me" or whatever. So I think this is a double edged sword-- time, necessity, organization require one parent to be the primary, and that's just not super fun.

We had a built on babysitter the last few years. Still, we only went on maybe 5 date nights. It's just a huge thing for the primary to organize...

This primary is tired!!!!

Anyway, I agree with the article but I would gently caution everyone with littles to be on the lookout for the encroaching fatigue of increasing responsibilities as the primary parent... We have slipped down into this vortex and will require lots of grace and counseling to get out.

But... That's another thing for the primary to schedule. Because no matter how many things are on the "shared family calendar" whenever the primary spends even 15 min on anything other than kids and house, she pays for it later in terms of breaking up fights, cleaning up extra messes, catching crap from teachers about missed assignments....

[Sheherezade]

Tell me about it Peggy! ITA.

I realized today that what I want back is not so much my time, but my brain space. So much mental energy goes in to scheduling everyone and knowing all the things. It's taxing. Date night and maintain your relationship becomes just another item on the massive to do list.

I wish my DH spent some of his mental energy on all this, but he does not. He also doesn't worry about it so maybe I need to follow suit.

Sometimes I think it was all easier when divorce was not an option except in extreme cases like abuse. Being "happy" or "satisfied" is such a hard thing to define and I think it's hard at this phase of the game, married or not. It's easy to pin a less than optimal period on your marriage.


Angie

[mommax3]

We have always tried really hard to put our relationship first and nurture it. It was much easier to do when our kids were younger, and honestly, it was easier when I didn't work, too. It is really difficult to find time to go out now...I am not worth much on Friday nights, and don't want to stay out too late on Saturdays because I will need to get up for church the next morning. We grab a meal out (just the two of us) usually once during the week, but it is always rushed and sandwiched between other things. We do get away overnight together two or three times a year, which saves us.

[ladymoreta]

Sometimes I think it was all easier when divorce was not an option except in extreme cases like abuse. Being "happy" or "satisfied" is such a hard thing to define and I think it's hard at this phase of the game, married or not. It's easy to pin a less than optimal period on your marriage.

You said perfectly what I thought when I read this. I don't think the parenting style matters as much as this author thinks. Marriages fall apart at both ends of the spectrum of parental involvement, and I don't think there was a greater number of happy marriages back then. It was just a lot more socially acceptable to stay together in spite of the marriage not working than to divorce and try for a better match.