Middle Child Syndrome

[SueC]

Do you believe in it, or on even broader terms, do you think birth order plays a huge part in a child's personality? I've got a middle child that embodies the typical middle child characteristics, but she's been like that since day one (before she was actually a middle child). I hate to label my children but I do think my kids and the kids of my friends do kind of fall into those birth order categories. If anything, reading about birth order makes me work harder to make my middle child feel special. What do you all think?

[Flynn]

I always played a game with my high school students that I could guess their birth order in their family. Of course I made disclaimers that if they are in a "blended family," a product of a second marriage, or the middle child of 6 or 7...that get's to tricky for me!

I was shocked how accurate I was. I would guess I had an 85% chance or higher to make a guestimate as to where they were in the family based on personality, work ethic, activities...and gut feeling.
Not very scientific but it was fun to play and the kids enjoyed it! I was almost 100% accurate in finding only children in my classes. They are pretty easy as they have distinct characteristics!!


I think birth order plays a huge roll (studies suggest this) in how your child interacts in the world BUT there are always exceptions and I do not necessarily feel that middle kids need more special attention than other children. I see birth order as more an answer to why they do certain things certain ways.

I'm not sure if we will have three kids -- but I was one of three and my sister, the middle kid, was very different from my brother and myself, but she didn't feel less special because she wasn't the oldest or youngest. It was never an issue in my family. My mom however was #4 out of 9 kids and she did feel lost in the shuffle as being "one of the kids in the middle" but with more than 4 kids I think that becomes more of an issue.

There are some interesting reads on birth order! Maybe you would enjoy reading about the myths and truths about them?

[Auspicious]

My answer is that I think it's a factor, but I think it's easily overwhelmed by other aspects of the family dynamic.

For instance, I'm the middle of three (boy-girl-boy, born '70, '75, '79) but I think I was spared the vast majority of the middle-child strife for three reasons:
--I was the only girl
--We were so spread out in age that we were never in the same school at the same time, always in different stages of life, etc., and comparisons weren't that tempting
--Most importantly, our parents were VERY good at avoiding labeling us and at treating us as indivduals rather than "roles"

I think all three of us have a lot of only-child traits. When I was a kid I remember people saying to me sympathetically "Oh, middle child--that must be tough, huh?" and I would say "Umm, yes" to be polite, but really I had no idea what they were talking about.

FH is the oldest of three (boy-boy-girl, born '71, '74, '76) and he has a lot of middle-child traits, I think because his parents were always like big children. It's one of those families where the kids became more mature than the parents at young age, and in many ways FH is the middle of five.

It's funny you posted this now because I was just thinking about it this week because of FH's family. His brother Brad practically screams Middle Child Syndrome and it's not hard to see why--their parents kind of treat him like crap. I think their mom really wanted a boy and a girl (their dad claims to have never wanted kids at all) and Brad was on some level a hurdle to that goal. They pretty blatantly downplay his accomplishments and compare him unfavorably to FH (the overachiever) and the sister (the much-wanted girl). And despite their obvious insanity he craves their approval, especially the approval of their father. FH and the sister are both like, "Why on earth do you even still care what Dad thinks? He's one of the most emotionally limited people you're ever going to meet." And Brad is just like "I don't know. I know it's crazy but it's like I can't help it."

Right now Brad is the point-man for all matters legal and red-tape-related when it comes to their mom's nursing home care and getting it paid for without their father losing the family home. All the siblings and siblings-in-law are very grateful for what a stand-up guy he's been. What does their father say this week? "If [FH] was here he would be handling this better." Bleh. Brad should dump his butt on the street.

Anyway, yes, I think being a middle child does come with a little extra emotional danger attached to it, but I think that parents can work around it with just a little effort and awareness.

[Auspicious]

(Please don't be shooed away by my vitriolic diatribe against my in-laws. Continue discussing normal, healthy parenting issues. I didn't mean to stop this thread cold or anything. 8))

[SueC]

Don't worry about it Julie! Sometimes something strikes a chord and you have to run with it!
I think the main reason I'm even thinking or worrying about this is because my daughter exhibits so many characteristics my sister has and I don't want her to follow down that path. My sister is a terrific person but I think her position in our family did take its toll on her. She's the middle child and I came the day after her first birthday. She wasn't the baby for very long and really sought attention from outside the family, as many middle children seem to do. It ended up creating a really wierd dynamic in my family that I definitely do not want repeated. And I'm realizing that Sydney gets pretty screwed when it comes to one on one time with me. I honestly can't remember a time when we've done something with just the two of us and I think she needs and craves that. She's always been more of a daddy's girl so we've fallen into kind of a rut where my dh takes her and I take our oldest daughter (whose always preferred me). I'm worried that if I don't do something soon it will impact how close our bond is.