a morbid and slightly twisted question

[SueC]

It was terrible--the woman had a seizure a week or so before she was due. She was in the ICU for awhile and they tried to take the baby by c-section but it was too late. I didn't even know these people and I cried over this for weeks. It's one of those things that no matter how you spin it, you can't make any sense out of it. Their baby would have been the same age as my second child and to this day I look at Sydney and think how tragic the whole thing is. My apologizes in advance to those expecting who may have read this.

Oh my gosh, that's an awful story Sue! DH actually just had a patient a week ago who had a seizure and the baby ended up dying, but the mom lived. She was only a few weeks away from giving birth as well. Stories like that are so sad.

Erica

Oh that is so sad, Sue! The very thought of it brings tears to my eyes; I cannot even imagine the pain of seeing her and her baby.

[Rapunzel]

Oh, boy, does that freak me out! I was rushed to the hospital with my twins because my doctor thought I was about to start siezing! I was immediately put on magnesium sulfate (awful stuff) and the nurses that checked me were really, really serious. I was immediately induced. I forget sometimes how scary that situation actually was!

I would also find it very difficult to go to a viewing with a mother holding her newborn infant. How heartbreaking!


Jennifer

[DCJenn]

No caskets at all, here. We both want to be cremated and IF there is any kind of "service" we want it to be a warm remembrance of our lives. My grandfather had an open casket and I couldn't look at anything other than his hands- and they looked wierd- so I didn't look any higher. When my friend's mom died, they had an open casket for the family but closed for the public. She died from meningitis and looked awful as a result. My friend's mom was one of those people that never left the house without being "done" and she was the local whiz realtor so my friend knew her mom wouldn't have wanted the general populace to see her like that.

Jenn

I am entirely closed-casket OR no-casket / creamation. My mom died 8 years ago, and I remember her telling me long before then that she wanted to be creamated. I think I was 18 or so, so basically said "eww, gross - why would you be talking about that?" But when the time came (I was 23) and I was making all of the decisions (only child, divorced parents), I remember walking through the "showroom" at the funeral home simply blown away by how ridiculous these caskets were. I knew that it was in no way what my mother would want, and could finally understand that. My opinion was solidified 1 1/2 years ago when a family friend died at 37. They did have an open casket and it seemed so wrong. She was a vibrant, healthy woman - always with sun on her face and a huge smile. To see her so gray and closed just left a wrong picture in my mind.

BTW - she died while rollerblading w/o a helmet. She'd taken her almost 7 year old son to the park (he was on his bike), and fell with such force that she snapped her brain stem. While we don't know if the helmet would have done any good, we know what happened w/o one. She left the 7 year old son (obviously traumatized), a daughter who turned 5 three days after her mom died, and a 2 1/2 year old son. I'm a total downer, but I always want to pass on the helmet information, and it seems more people pay attention when they hear the whole story.

[KCwife]

Different Perspective

Sorry for the late post. Whenever my DH is on call, I have to sleep with the TV on so that I don't freak myself out with the normal house noises. Anyways, one night last fall I had on PBS, and a series called POV or Point of View came on. Basically it is a series of independent documentaries. This particular one was amazing. I had never thought about death and the aftermath in such a way before or since.

It takes a look at the history of funerals in America, and the reasons why we utilize a commercial industry for the undertaking of our loved ones. It had some AMAZING stories...one such was about a little girl who died. Instead of sending her to a cold morgue, and to an embalmer, her parents lovingly took to the task of laying her to rest themselves...not for saving money but for the closure that it brought them and their other children. There was also the instance of the woman dying of breast cancer, her husband and her family took are of her in sickness and in health and ultimately in death. The documentary brought to light so many facets I was clueless about. Like "death-midwives", which are people that like "birth-midwives" help the family through a fundamental right of passage. Basically the entire piece brings to light the idea of taking the taboo out of death when it involves a loved one. This of course would exclude things like trauma and infectious disease...where the family cannot deal with that. I also was under the impression that embalming was the law, apparently that is not the case. Anyways, it was all and all an eye opening film.

If one of our children or my husband were terminally ill, I would strongly consider this route. I would also consider this route for myself if my husband were up to the task. I think that it would allow closure for all those that are close to you. i.e. the kids. Think about the traditional experience for children that loose a parent or a sibling. They are told that their parent or sibling has died, then a couple of days later the are taken to a strange building with strange people and shuffled by the body of someone that they loved and relied on. How impersonal, how scary, and how traumatic is that? Vs. the body is laid for wake in the home so that the immediate family has alone time to say their goodbyes. They can make peace with the process by making the coffin or decorating it, or whatever they feel is appropriate, and best yet it is not a public environment...no one is watching you grieve. Then you lay the body to rest in its final place.

Anyways, just thought I would throw that out there.... here is a link...

http://www.pbs.org/pov/pov2004/afamilyu ... about.html

[Flynn]

I think a lot of it depends on your culture. While I have never lived there, both my mom and dad are from a suburb north of Chicago. Can you say "Irish Catholic?"

My grandmother's funeral/wake was something I had never been a part of before. There was both open and closed viewing and the "celebration" went on for days. It was a cross between a funeral and a party. While a few things made me uncomfortable, as a whole it was a wonderful experience.

I'm a cremation person myself, but I think that even then, if a close family member wants to view the body, they should get a chance. Some people just need that closure.

I like the tradition of having a viewing the evening before the funeral, and then having a closed casket the day of the funeral.

I also like those posterboards people are doing now with snapshots of the deceased. Having those pictures to look at really helps I think.

I caught bits of that POV episode about death in America. I believe neither Jews nor Muslims allow for embalming, burial must be within 24 hours of death. In some areas of the world cremation is the norm. The industry built up around something we seem so unwilliing to deal with is astounding. My sil wound up draining her retirement fund to pay for my brother's funeral, and it was a pretty basic funeral too.

[Rapunzel]

KCwife, thank you for that information! What a remarkable documentary! I never, ever thought of something like "death-midwives". What an interesting and informative perspective on death! I just learned something of note today.

Jennifer