Your Kids and Sex

[HeartRN]

What, if anything, do you plan to teach/tell your kids about sex? I don't know if this would be fine in the call room or if it really belongs here, so I'll leave it here, because a debate could ensue!

I had no communication with my parents about sex when I was growing up. I learned as I went along and from peers.....I always wished my mom and I could have had a frank, comfortable discussion about sex. Since my husband wasn't my first, I would have appreciated somebody (like my mom) also telling me that there were good reasons to wait (whether it would have changed my decision making, who knows, but it would have been good to "have it out there")


With all this in mind, I REALLY plan to talk to my daughter pretty openly about sex. I guess the main thing I hope to do is let her know I'm available to talk...my mom didn't even do this...geez, I was so embarassed about getting a bra or wanting to get one that I left my mom a note under her pillow to ask her!! I don't ever want my daughter to feel this shy/embarassed. The funny thing is, I think she still has that note!!! So what do you guys think?

[Meenah]

As a nurse and a mom I was talking to my kids very early. I always used correct terms for body parts. I did tell them to come to me if they had questions or felt they were "ready" and I would make sure they were safe. Well, fast forward and one of my daughters came to me and said "I think I'm ready, but I'm not sure"! I almost fainted, but was very glad that did what I had been telling her to do, come to me. It wasn't easy, but I knew she would be OK. It was the summer between 11th & 12th grade for her, and I made her an appointment with a female gynecologist. She asked me not to tell her Dad!!!!!!! Wow, they grow up way too fast. Good luck.
Luanne

[Flynn]

I think being open and talking about sex is important. I want my kids to learn "our spin" on things so when their peers are silly or whatever about issues, they have our "voices in their heads."

I think I was in fourth grade when I "had the talk" with my parents and I was grossed out but felt cool that they thought they could tell me the facts. My dad was involved in the discussion and looking back, that was really important.

I am not sure how I am going to deal with the future prospect of puberty...I want to be able to discuss things with my kids but the idea of them being sexually active makes me cringe.

[mommax3]

DH has been reading a book with our son, who is about to turn 11, called "Preparing for Adolesence" by James Dobson, I think. They have taken turns reading it aloud and then DS asks whatever questions he has. We have always been pretty open about things and have always used correct names for body parts, etc. Given what DH does for a living, the facts about reproduction have been "out there" pretty much from the start.....DS #1 is a very inquisitive child, and once the older child knows something, they all know it, if they are old enough to follow conversations.
I think the most shocking thing that has come out of the book that they are currently reading together is that sex is enjoyable.....that was a shocker for my son! He had the typical belief that people only had sex when they wanted to have a baby, and actually thought that DH and I had not had sex since DH's vasectomy, almost two years ago! So that misunderstanding has definitely been cleared up!

I don't feel like I was given horrible preparation by my mother, but it was just so-so. I knew the facts, but had *NO* idea that sex was pleasurable at all......so all the feelings that hit me when I was older were a big surprise. My mom was done telling me about the facts of life by the time I was 12.....after that, I mostly picked up stuff from reading advice columns in magazines. If I had a daughter, I hope I would be able to talke more openly with her than my mom did. I think starting early is the key, so that there is always somewhat of a comfort level with discussing those types of things.

Sally

[DCJenn]

Because my hippie parents were big into the Natural is better thing- we always it seems knew about the body parts and the sex thing (I mean my dad had naked portraits of my mother in his office...and still wants to hang them up in his office in the new house- she has made it clear that the 62 year old doesn't want pictures of the 22 year old hanging up in the house!)

They and all of the other couples in my family were always affectionate with each other- including my grandparents. (in fact my grandmother had a very funny conversation with my cousins (female) and I- that ended with, "well, girls, of course you sample before you buy, don't be ridiculous.")

So, fast forward to the Reagan era and suddenly it's not cool to be a hippie so I clammed up and did my own thing. My friend's mom took all of us in the big brown station wagon to the local Planned Parenthood where we got the very frank discussion from the nurses there about pregnancy and protection. This was also way before AIDS was on the radar screen as something that girls needed to be worried about- but they covered it anyway.

I started way too early (15) in some ways- but I also had the hippie mentality wherein I knew that I was not interested in being anybody's 'girlfriend'. During college I had a boyfriend for the most part but definitely hit a wild streak during my junior year. and I had a few other wild streaks between 21 and 33 when I married Rick.

So- what to tell Nikolai? Well, certainly not numbers. (It has shock value and little else.) We use correct names for 'the parts' and since he's not circiumsized, I expect that the parts conversation will continue in greater detail once he realizes THAT tidbit. (and obviously before). As for sex? I think he needs to have a healthy respect for his body and for anybody else that he might be dating. I want him to know that masturbation will not make you blind, deaf, hairy or wrong and that waiting until marriage will be difficult but not impossible if he so chooses. We also will make it clear that unintended pregnancies have serious consequences and stress the financial and emotional aspects.

Jenn

(As for the bra thing- the same grandmother dragged me off to the bra section and made me buy a bra in 6th grade. Didn't need it, that's for sure!)

[PrincessFiona]

We've been pretty open from day one. We have always called body parts their appropriate names. I admit that I did stumble through my first real "No, MOM, how are babies really made...forget the part where the sperm meets the egg. How does the sperm get inside of the vagina to meet the egg?" question. (I...balked with embarassment and then my son and I both laughed hysterically at my anatomical explanation )

My mom and brother were here after Andrew (11) watched the puberty video and my brother nearly had a heart attack while we sat at the table discussing penis's, erections, etc. We just try and be 'normal' about it so that they don't feel embarassed and they know that they can come to us.

It sure as heck doesn't come easily to me though.

kris

[Rapunzel]

We just answer any questions they might have. Since the world of reproduction has been going on around them (what with me being pregnant and all) and will continue to do so (probably - I don't see not having another baby right now) we've had plenty of spontaneous discussions around here regarding the issue. If I have another one my son (the oldest) will be 12. What a lesson THAT will be. They all are used to me breastfeeding around them. So, I know that they are used to that part of the body and its functions.

I had to take all the kids with me to most of my appointments (since I homeschool them and there aren't many people around here to watch them for me briefly). There isn't really anything too interesting during most of these appointments and all is well and good. They all listened to the baby's heartbeat, got to see the tapemeasure across my ever-expanding abdomen, and got to hear the details of pregnancy discussed between my physician and me. BUT, during the few other appts (mostly near the bitter end) when I had to have my cervix checked and such we would just draw the curtain across the room and have the older three kids sit on the other side reading books. My obstetrician thought it was quite amusing how all of the kids used exactly the correct anatomical terminology for everything. And, even my then-three-year-old would quickly correct anyone who messed up. She cracked my ob up once when one of my older daughters said something like, "The baby is still in Mom's tummy." Sophia quickly (and very loudly) said, "NO! The baby is in Mommy's uterus!" It was pretty funny.

We also have now had some very interesting (and sometimes hilarious) talks about how the baby comes out. I have had to correct a lot of their imaginative ideas as to how THAT process happens. They all resoundingly think it is "gross" at this point. And, actually, I have to agree with them!

The oldest three are just at the tip of starting to want to know how the baby gets in there. But, we've been pretty straight-forward about that information as well. I'm sure I'll hear more questions as they think of them.

We just treat reproduction as a normal, healthy part of life - because it is. Now as for non-reproductive sex we definitely stress to our children the importance of marriage and families, their place in the grand scheme of things, and that sexual activity is a very pleasurable bond between a husband and wife. We mostly go about it in the same manner as my husband's family because they did it right apparently (since they have five surviving sons - all of whom have waited until marriage). And, my husband and I have a fairly healthy sex life so I think we can be OK role models for our children in the healthy, happy marital relations department. Heaven knows they see us kissing enough (and, they all think it's disgusting ). I'd imagine they might here some weird creaking noises from time to time in the wee hours and these babies keep popping up....

I guess I just don't stress about it. It's a part of our lives and we aren't embarrassed or ashamed of it. The kids will want to know more and need to know more as they grow older and we will feed them the knowledge that they can handle as we go along. I look forward to going out and buying my daughters' first bras with them! It's going to be SOOO fun. Now, there are some things my son will experience that I won't really be able to relate to. I can talk to him about things like erections and "wet dreams" and such but I don't have first hand experience. So, my husband is point-man on that (just like I am for my daughters since he hasn't really experienced menstruation and such ).

I guess I just treat it like my kids learning to walk or read....