Younger Man, Older Woman

[HeartRN]

Did anyone catch the Mary Kay Leterneau (sp?) thing on TV last night? I'm ashamed to say that I did! What do you think? For those who missed, it was a "candid" interview with Mary and her now-husband...(you know, the 12 year old boy she had the relationship with originally)

I feel like it's flat out weird. I'd say the same if it was a younger woman, older man deal.

My opinion: ICKY. What's yours?

[SuzySunshine]

I didn't watch it but I've seen their story before. My thought is that once people are OUT of high school (or college) they are mature enough to make decisions like that and they are old enough to live with the consequences. If she had met him when he was 18 I would say fine. But I think the fact that they met when he was 12 and she was his teacher makes it out of bounds. After all they've been through I'm glad they're happy but it never should have happened in the first place.

[Vanquisher]

I didn't watch it but I've seen their story before. My thought is that once people are OUT of high school (or college) they are mature enough to make decisions like that and they are old enough to live with the consequences. If she had met him when he was 18 I would say fine. But I think the fact that they met when he was 12 and she was his teacher makes it out of bounds. After all they've been through I'm glad they're happy but it never should have happened in the first place.

I don't know. Once you have been sexually molested or abused, it takes a long time to mature enough to get over that in most cases I suspect. There is no magical "18", in my opinion, as it takes men and women decades to get over that kind of abuse, if they ever do.

Yes, he is an adult now, and I am glad they appear happy. I very much doubt, though, that his ideas of appropraite relationships and boundaries are normal and that his psyche is in a place to make that decision.

It definitely never should have happened in the first place. His period of self discovery was robbed from him, and I doubt very much that he knows who he is well enough to know that he truly wants to live with his abuser. I am just as disgusted when a woman does this to a boy as when a man does this to a girl.

I mean can you imagine if this was your teenage boy who later married a women who sexually molested him. You would be horrified! At least, I would be.

Sexual crimes against kids are handled grossly inappropraitely in our justice system.

[DCJenn]

Heidi-

I compeletly agree and I honestly believe that she was given a lesser sentence because she was a woman and people don't seem to think that being molested by a woman has the same horror as being molested by a man. Pedophiles are pedophiles...

I think that there are a lot of people in the judicial system who imagine some sort of sex fantasy of their own- "wow, thqat would have been great" kind of thing. Maybe not consciously but it's there.

I worked with a pedophile with mental retardation once and I cannot even begin to tell you how hard it was to deal with him. First, chemical castration did nothing to lessen his desires, it just made it so he couldn't get an erection. He really didn't get why it was bad and was a master manipulator. He had convinced our behaviorist that he was better. We had him on 24 hour 1:1 supervision. She nearly let him have 2 hours unattended. Thank God my friend did a room search and found that he'd somehow gotten a hold of magazine pictures of kids and had them hidden in his mattress. Needless to say, the client stayed on 1:1 and my friend actually left the company because she couldn't handle having to work with him.

Jenn

[SuzySunshine]

I mean can you imagine if this was your teenage boy who later married a women who sexually molested him. You would be horrified! At least, I would be.

Sexual crimes against kids are handled grossly inappropraitely in our justice system.

I should stay out of the debate forum, I don't do a good job of articulating myself on paper. I totally agree with this statement by Heidi. I don't think they should be allowed to be together, when they were first together he definitely wasn't old enough to make his own choices.

[Vanquisher]

Cheri,

I thought that is what you might have meant! You shouldn't stay out of the debate forum!

I thought you might have meant that since he was an adult now, it was okay that they were together even though the relationship never should have happened in the first place, and I can see why some would think that even if it isn't my view.

I wasn't sure of your wording so I quoted you to clarify my perspective on his adulthood. I appreciate your perspectives, and sometimes I remind myself of you when I am feeling less than supportive of my spouse. I definitely think you should share your opinions.

[SuzySunshine]

No offense taken, I just didn't take enough time to craft my response and should have before I posted it. No harm done!

[Sheherezade]

Two different issues are running in this debate. I am friendly with two adult couples that have "May-December" relationships. In one, the woman is much older (+15 yrs). In the other, the man is 20 yrs older. In both cases, the couples seem to have bonded on things outside the generation gap. The only issues that I see becoming a problem in the future is life expectancy. As the older member of the couple get in to their 70s, they are in a different place physically from the spouse at 50. I know that is a concern in both households. Early on, I think these relationships can be challenging if one member is 20 and the other is 40. Having children is also an issue at that time; one partner may be over that period of their life just when the other is entering it. I think in "midlife" a seperation of 15 years or so can work. It's on either end of adult life that it is challenging.

As for the question of relationships with those underage but nearing adulthood, I think there has to be a hard and fast rule. Some 16 year olds are very wise, but others won't grow up till they are 30! Who knows? We have an age of consent for a reason. Any adult, male or female, that is in a relationship with someone under the age of consent has to be responsible for the relationship. They are the grown-up. They need to make the right decisions -- holding off on any romance for YEARS and keeping their distance if they are not the pursuer. As for outright pedophiles.......:survivor: . JMHO.

[SueC]

Here's what really bothered me about the whole thing. Aside the fact that a grown woman was pursuing a child, she basically chose that child over her own children. What kind of mother does that? I also think it is wrong that the law seems to be a little softer when the woman is the older one. It is just a dirty and shameful for a grown woman to pursue an underage boy as it is when a man does it. I can't imagine how the boy's parents must feel. I haven't watched any coverage on it as of late, but I seem to remember that they had a child together?

[Rapunzel]

I didn't watch the interview. But, knowing what I do about the case, I agree with Heidi and DC Jenn.

This woman abused a child. He then went on and married his abuser. If the genders were reversed and the woman abuser was a man she'd still be in prison and society would be aptly horrified. She should get absolutely no credit whatsoever for marrying that messed-up kid.

Of course, I'm someone who supports the death penalty for child rapists so, if I had my druthers, she wouldn't be breathing....

In many ways, the fact that this was a WOMAN and a MOTHER sickens me even MORE than if it had been a man. If anything, her penalties should have included a strict order that she never, ever, EVER attempt contact with her victim!!! (On penalty of being reincarcerated).