Making It Work

I have a B.S. in biology and actually did the whole pre-med thing in college. When DH and I got engaged, however, my priorities shifted a bit, and I decided that I don't want to be in a two doc marriage, as I don't want our (future) children to grow up with absent parents. I also had to make the decision to put off grad school for a couple years until DH graduates med school and can start paying the bills.

DH graduates next spring, and I can probably go back to school that fall. I've been considering becoming a PA. The problem is, I don't know if that's the best thing to do right now! First of all, the Match would be even more nerve wracking since we'd be hoping to both "match" into programs in the same city. Secondly, we've been talking about beginning to try for a baby within the next few years, but I neither want to be a mother while in school, nor do I want to graduate just in time to put off my career to raise our children. Third, DH is in the USAF and I'm worried about the difficulty of trying to find a new PA position everytime he has to PCS. Finally, I'm not even 100% sure I want to be a PA! I'm worried about becoming frustrated by the lack of autonomy and dealing only with routine cases that the docs don't want to be "bothered" with. (But my passion really does lie in medicine, and since I don't want to go to med school at this point in my life, it seems like the next best thing.)

I realize that putting off grad school until our children are in school themselves is always an option, but I feel ready to get my career back on track. I currently work in medical research, and while that is OK, it's not something I can see myself doing for several more years, plus my bio degree doesn't exactly give me a plethora of other job options!

Have any of you been in a similar situation where you didn't know how to balance the demands of your career, your DH's career, and your family life? How did you handle it, and are you happy with the way things worked out? Finally, any words of advice for me?

[SuzySunshine]

Lindsay, we don't have kids and I've never found a career I love but have you looked at other medical careers? CRNA's get paid very well and are in the OR if that interests you. My sister just graduated (as did Luanne) with a Masters in Nursing and is now an NP in Labor & Delivery. She loves the close contact she gets with the patients and the fact that doctors really are only in the room for delivery. I don't think medical jobs will be hard to find regardless of where your DH ends up, there is always a demand.

These discussions seem to come up a lot around here since so many of us have been there. My opinion is that you just have to decide what sacrafices are more important to you. Is it important to you have to kids in the next few years or can you wait until residency is over? If you're both traditional students then you'll probably only be 28-ish when you're done with residency, correct? Depending of course what specialty your DH is going into but you get my point, it is not uncommon for medical families to have children later in life.

[Deebs]

Lindsay - I was also premed when DH and I met. When we started making decisions about long term committment, I made the decision that I really wanted kids and didn't think it was doable the way I wanted with both of us becomming physicians. I really don't think I have regretted my decision, but there are times that I think I may go back and do something more clinical. I love being in healthcare, but sometimes feel I am wasting part of my knowledge being so administrative. I still don't want to be a doc though (I tell DH, I've been through med school once, and that was enough). Have you thought about other professions? A profusionist (good money - a necessary job that a doc can't do), CRNA, OT, etc? There are so many opportunities out there, and they are only increasing. You also might want to think about getting just a job, not a career, right now, and then when DH is a bit more settled, go back to school.

[DCJenn]

I've worked at the periphery of healthcare for 20 years now, mostly in administration and QA. It's enjoyable and for the most part I have been able to leave my job AT my job. (although the years in the direct care side of mental retardation services required that I carry a pager)

If I worked FT, I'd make almost as much as my husband so trust me, social services and healthcare admin can be very lucrative.

A licensed Health Care Administrator can make WAY more than any physician and we need them desperately.

Jenn

[houseelf]

Have any of you been in a similar situation where you didn't know how to balance the demands of your career, your DH's career, and your family life

every single day since I met my husband 8.5 years ago.

I am not kidding.

Today I am at work with a seven year old laying on the couch reading Harry Potter while I try to squeeze in some work. He couldn't go to school today because he vomited. again. for the fourth time in four weeks.

I'm going to be brutally honest, because you asked. Being a working mom is hard business. Being a working mom with a resident spouse is borderline insanity. Lots of people do it, but I wouldn't recommend it on a full time basis.

Can someone else pop in here and add some cheer to my dreariness? I can't stand my own whining anymore.

Kelly

[PrincessFiona]

I've only got a minute more online today, but I thought I'd pipe in and say:

If you want to go to med school or PA school etc....Do it now. Get your education out of the way and then have children. You can work part-time in your field or even take time off when you have them and still step back in....going back to school once the kids are here is very difficult. I have a handful of children :> and I do wish that I had finished school first....that's the truth.

I was also pre-med before kids...and I do regret not finishing up despite loving my children very much and being happy to be a mom. Mothering my brood of 5 does indeed fill up the mommy part of who I am...but being a mom isn't my only identity...and the career me is pretty dissatisfied.

kris

Have you considered nursing? I can't think of a better career for someone who wants a flexible schedule in medicine. I don't know if NP offers the same flexiblility ... but is a step closer to doctor duties.

Lindsey, I totally know where you are coming from. If you want to read all about my ongoing career angst re: medicine, read my blog in the journals section.

Anyhow, my husband has been out of residency nearly one full year. I have a law degree but decided in law school that I didn't want to be a lawyer and really wanted to be a doctor (I met my DH while I was a first year in law school and he was a third year in med school). I decided to finish law school and after graduating, I did a post-bacc program because I wanted to go to med school and I needed to take all the pre-reqs. Long story short, I applied to med schools after the post-bacc and did not receive a single interview. Then I re-took the MCAT b/c I thought that was what was the problem. I didn't do any better more or less on the second MCAT and thus did not re-apply to med schools.

Anyhow, now I'm almost 30 and for the past few years have worked in a variety of pointless, dead-end jobs, though one of them was really great: working full-time in the operating room, which I very much enjoyed. At this point I have decided to apply to programs in clinical psychololgy and medical school once again. I am taking the GRE this summer and am working in the medical field (volunteering) to get back into it.

I, too, have a passion for medicine and healthcare, but am also questioning how to balance family, an outside life, etc. with a career. I think about careers and this question every day. I'm not sure that I've come to any clear answers in the past couple of years since my post-bacc, but I did realize one thing: that healthcare is definitely my passion. I am also considering dentistry, speech pathology, physical therapy and PA, among a few others, but medicine and clinical psych interest me the most at this point. I am also trying to reconcile shifting priorities, in terms of balancing career vs. family.

I'm happy to PM with you about this.

[Flynn]

Re: Making It Work

Have any of you been in a similar situation where you didn't know how to balance the demands of your career, your DH's career, and your family life? How did you handle it, and are you happy with the way things worked out? Finally, any words of advice for me?

Prior to kids we were fine. We never saw eachother but that's residency for ya! I had my gig, he had his. We weren't rich but we could pay the bills and were pretty well off for a couple in residency. No complaints.

After kids things changed tremendously. I wanted our kids to know there was at least ONE parent there for them -- always. It was my choice, and DH supported it, so I quit my job and stayed home.

We were lucky -- it was a choice we could do financially. Was it hard? HELL YES -- but lots of people have to juggle their doc's career, the job they HAVE to have because residents make SQUAT for money, AND they have to be the primary parent which means a flexible job...which means probably you take a job you are underqualified for. :huh: I had a walk in the park compared to some people on this site.

Get your education before kids. Yes ITA! Do whatever you THINK you want to do before kids because afterwards....your world is MUCH MUCH different.

Being married to a med student, resident, or even a doc done with training is never a cake walk. Many of my friends' spouses can cancel a meeting or reschedule a presentation -- my DH can't do that -- ever. His profession just doesn't work that way. Who picks up the slack? THE NON DOC SPOUSE -- 99.9999999999% of the time. That's just the way it is.

We're good now. My DH is done and he actually has a job that allows him to participate in family life. What a concept. Training was SHEER HELL. I kid you not. A lot of that is speciality dependent however.

I'm happy with our choices...now.
If someone paid me 5 billion dollars to go through training (residency plus fellowship) again I'd tell them to stuff it --- of course with a LOVELY Stepford smile and a twinkle.

[samssugarmomma]

Re: Making It Work

Have any of you been in a similar situation where you didn't know how to balance the demands of your career, your DH's career, and your family life? How did you handle it, and are you happy with the way things worked out? Finally, any words of advice for me?

Like Kelly said - every single day! When we were in med school, I was actually working in my field and using my degree (biomed engineering) - but since I worked for a government contractor, my job had zero flexibility. Now, I'm not really using my degree (I help conduct clinical trials at a pediatric hospital) and I took a huge paycut, but I have an extremely flexible job!

Am I happy with the way things are panning out? Mostly. My working during med school allowed us to have good health insurance and so far we have done everything without any financial help (excpet loans for med school). And we have a very, very nice nest egg that will come in handy when I become a SAHM later this year. But, I don't do stress well and the stress of being a semi-single parent has really taken a toll on my health.

As far as advice - perhaps writing down your goals/what is important and then mapping out how you want to achieve them? (Knowing that medicine has it's own way of changing things - like having to move for residency, etc.) We did this and mapped out a 10 year "plan" - which has changed over the years. But, for me, it helped to write down what my goals were and see them on paper. It made it easier to figure out how I was going to achieve them.

One more thought - have you looked into being a clinical research coordinator? The amount of patient contact depends on the study, but there are some "clinical" aspects (but we are far from making any medical decisions!!). There are a lot of opportunities in the field and I think that most universities/hospitals that do research hire them. There are also private CRO companies, but those jobs tend to involve travel. Just a thought on how to use your biology degree in a different way... PM me if it sounds interesting..

Thanks for the replies! I meant to sign back into here and post sooner, but the past couple days have been crazy.

I'm still not sure exactly how I want to do things, but I am leaning toward trying to get into PA school when DH starts his residency. It'll make things even more frustrating (and more expensive!) since we'll both be hoping to get into a program, but I think it's probably the best way to go for now. Of course, there's still the issue of trying to make do on one pitiful income! I think we can make it work, though.

Maybe in my second year of school or first year post-grad we'll take a little more relaxed approach to BC and see where that takes us family-wise. At least by then, DH will have finished his internship year and I can possibly start looking at family-friendlier job options such as PT or job sharing. I don't really want to have a baby while DH is still in residency, but I also don't want to wait until I'm in my 30s to start a family. (I'll be 30 when DH finishes his residency, if things go according to plan.) I've always wanted to be a younger mom.

Oh, and thanks for the suggestions to look into other fields, but I've done that already, and I keep coming up with the idea that it's med school, PA school, or nuthin'! Nursing is a great field, but I really don't want to go for an RN at this point. In hindsight, however, I wish I would've gone to nursing school right out of high school! Had I done that, I would have a "career" now instead of just a job, I would have tons of patient care experience, DH and I would have more money, and I would be really close to being able to apply to NP school--and probably having the hospital pay for it! Oh well. Everything's 20/20 in hindsight, right?

Thanks again, and good luck to all of you others who are also trying to juggle it all!