My wife is the MD, and I need some encouragement.

Basically I am tired of my life being in a holding pattern. It isn't a situation many would understand so I will try here.

I gave up a good job to move for medical school and in that decision I knew the next eight years were for her to do what she wanted/needed to do. Eight years didn't seem like much then.

I provided a nice living for us in med school and four years later walked away from a career for a second time. Luckily three months later I was called by my former employer offering me a new territory in the new part of the country, so we are not bankrupt yet. Her 50k covers little more than the additional cost of living in New England.

That being said, I have HATED every position I have given up over the years so at the time it isn't hard to give my resignation. Every time I have had the opportunity to start/buy a business in my area of interest her education took precedence. You can't make a commitment like that for four years or less.

Neither of us want to be stay-at-home anythings or homemakers, and she won't make that much money anyway as a primary care doc.

So that is where I find myself again. Almost half-way through her residency, hoping she doesn't want to do the fellowship she keeps mentioning.

Note: In proof-reading my post, it sounds like we have communication problems. Not the case.

I am just looking for some encouragement from anyone out there who has been in the same/similar position. Most people I interact with see having a spouse as an MD as a huge benefit and life should be easy. Personally I don't see it unless she was making neuro-surgeon money and then I would never see her so there would be different problems. I am glad she is an MD because that is what makes her happy, but for the money we would probably be better off without all the debt.

[SuzySunshine]

Well from a neurosurgeon wife (who won't see that kind of money either - damn academics ) Welcome! We get it.

I gave up a job I loved to move for medical school but fortunately (or unfortunately) never found another job I loved so it didn't kill me much to give them up.

Now I'm a SAHM partially out of necessity partially out of "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up" syndrome.

One of the admins might move this to the Introduction forum - but welcome to boards!

[ladymoreta]

Welcome - you have definitely come to the right place! There are a lot of legitimate feelings of resentment and stress that come with being a "trailing spouse". I, too, haven't been crazy about any position that I've given up for moves, but I can see former coworkers moving up the ladder where I have taken a pay cut at pretty much every job I've taken. (Darn you, LinkedIn! )

I am glad that you and your wife are able to talk about your feelings. That has helped me more than anything - having my husband acknowledge the sacrifices I've made for his career. It doesn't change any of the facts, but it does help me feel more appreciated, and more like I am a critical part of our family.

[PrincessFiona]

Welcome! You will find a lot of understanding here from the male and female med spouses.

Being the trailing spouse is very hard. I have given up opportunities professionally as well, and I don't have a lot of advice for you...just commiseration.

What I can say about our situation is that I do wish that at some point I had put my foot down about my own professional goals and had taken action on my own to create that fulfilling career for myself. I'm ... working on it right now ... and it is a lot harder because of the ages of our children, where he is at right now professionally and because of all of the resentment that has build up from my end. I waited until the right time for him career-wise, but now it turns out that he is settled and happy and doesn't want to think about the stress of me working on my own career. Go figure.

There probably will never be a good time in your wife's career for you to interject your own career. If I could go back and do it all over, I would have recognized my career angst/unhappiness within myself and would have taken immediate action to create my own professional niche instead of waiting for residency, fellowship, attending job ... whatever.

Now might be the time to let her know that your career has equal importance ... and start figuring out what your career goals are and how you can accomplish those too.

Whatever happens...I'm a willing listener.

Kris

[GrayMatterWife]

Well from a neurosurgeon wife (who won't see that kind of money either - damn academics ) Welcome! We get it.

Ditto.

We aren't on the road to the big bucks of private practice NSG, either.

I work outside the home, but I had to seriously re-adjust my career path when we moved to start residency. Good-bye, Big Law Firm life. We have kids--somebody had to be around to parent.

It was hard to give up the paycheck and then watch so many of my similarly-tracked colleagues become partners and huge successes, while I jumped off that track. I know this is actually better for us as a family, but it can be a real downer some days. Especially when I think about having to start over...AGAIN...after fellowship.

[Meenah]

Welcome, you have landed in just the right place. There are many here who understand.

[DCJenn]

Welcome!

I've changed jobs so many times that my resume could be three pages long. "Most" of the time, the changes have been for the best but then again, I'm in social services so it's not like I'd ever be the bread-winner. I'm not discounting the fact that every move requires changes for my husband but they're HIS changes- he's going to benefit in some way from whatever is going on. Meanwhile, I have no choice. I haven't had a choice in when to change jobs in the 10+ years that I've known him (that's three moves, FYI). NOW though- he's decided that he wants more training and while I fully support that decision, THIS time, I'm not uprooting my life for a one year fellowship.

It's going to suck but I'm not leaving my job unless I absolutely have to. Not this time.

Jenn

My hubby is the doctor, and I'm the one who has been following with him from our first year of marriage and before medical school. I guess I kind of like the guy?!?!

I've tried the stay-at-home gig and it didn't fit me! I've received some guff for it because we do have two kids, but I firmly stand by my desire to work. I've had to move around and change jobs, leave one that I absolutely loved (though I didn't care for the city it was in!). I just keep wandering when and if that balance will ever be!!

I really don't think you are alone and I personally find it refreshing that you are so honest here and say it like it is! Thank you! I appreciate that! It helps me to know that I am not alone either!!

Now might be the time to let her know that your career has equal importance ... and start figuring out what your career goals are and how you can accomplish those too.
Kris

I completely agree with this statement. Not only does she need to hear it, but she needs to also understand it.


I was lucky because i met DB in med school and transferred to FL to be with him in residency. Right now DB and I have conversations about what/where his specialty might be. Because I've been so adament about doing my post doc in a place other than here (because it looks 10x better when you do a post doc in a place other than where you got your PhD), he always makes sure he can do a fellowship in places that he knows I can do a post-doc. I don't know how that will translate when the time comes, but for right now it's nice.

If you need to vent, i'm here.

[Finding Equanimity]

Just wanted to say that you have my empathy. I'm in the same situation and it's rough. My husband supports my career and we talk about it non-stop, but it doesn't change the fact that we're putting his career first. You're at the right place to vent to others with sympathetic ears!

I am short on time, but wanted to say hello from one of the male spouses of a doc. I can agree with the many posts that there is always going to be an emphasis on the doc career and the other is just that....other. Sorry that you haven't found the equilibrium for yourself, but it sounds like you are working on it.

We are always here and always willing to lend some advice...requested or not!
Post often.

[smama]

Not much to add. I am very new here around here but have lurked on these boards for years. Sometimes it was just enough to know that there are others out there that understand. I worked various jobs that I hated to pay the bills while DH was in med school. After lots of built up resentment, tears and soul searching I ended up going quitting my job, taking out my own student loans and going culinary school during MS-4. Best thing I ever did. In the grand scheme of things it may not have been the "best time" and taking out loans to live might not have been the "smartest thing." But it was necessary for my sanity and our relationship. It was a great feeling to work hard at something I love. Not to mention people are often more interested in MY career than DH's. :P We recently had a baby and I keep thinking how glad I am that I didn't put off culinary school for a more convenient time - that time might never have come.

[Meenah]

I'm jealous. I would love to go to culinary school. Stick around, we have a nice cooking forum here. I see Moderator in your future.

To Saints 2010--This is my first post but what you wrote hit me hard andf I felt the need to set up an account and reply to your posting. This past week has been really tough on me emotionally as I figure out where my/our lives are going. My husband will be starting his intern year in June and we will be relocating, which means me starting all over again. We relocated once for him to attend med school and at the time, felt crappy about our situations and all the changes I had to make, but now in hind sight it all worked out for the last 4 years. Here we go again--outlook crappy again. Things seem easy for him (not in terms of being an intern Im sure) but in terms of knowing what the next few years will look like. Here I am, having to job hunt again and leave a job I finally got settled into. Took me 7 years to land what I think is a great position for me, and I am leaving it for him..because thats what I need to do. He matched to a great program and I couldnt keep him away from his dreams and an amazing opportunity but I am really feeling resentment right now and I hate it but I cant change how I feel. To top it all off I really would love to start a family--but I cant even fathom how we would make that work financially.

People keep telling me how great it is that my husband is a doctor and we'll be rich someday (haha) but I dont want someday to be when I am 50 either! My life is right now and all Ive been doing is sacrificing my wants ( ahouse and family) for lots of debt. I am so sorry to feel this way and I do love him, but I just needed to vent to others who know what Im talking about (I vented all this to him last night..ugh.) I really empathize with you and it is so wonderful to know I am not alone--neither are you!!

[medpedspouse]

Hey Spedteacher!

Glad you found us - wlecome!! and join the group - YOU ARE NOT ALONE, we have all felt/gone through what you are feeling in various forms....it is the nature of the beast - medicine. Please introduce yourself in the intro section - and post often - would love to get to know you better and I think you will find much support ( I have been here since PGY2 - 8 yrs ago). I can say the people here kept me sane.

<hugs>