Unemployed and unsure

Happiness and emotional stability as a medical spouse come from having a busy fulfilling life aside from your relationship. That said, my career is very important to me. I need daily challenges and pressure to get my fiance's career out of my head. So when I got laid off from my job a month ago, my life changed. I told myself I would be ok not working and just being a stay at home fiance. I told myself it was ok if I let my workout routine go a little. LOL. Yea right. Now I'm at rock bottom. I'm at the same place I was about 6 months into PGY 1 when I realised we wouldn't be able to have a honeymoon after our wedding because it's 'not available' until 2 months later. It's the same feeling I had when I realised if he left for work during an argument, it might not be resolved for a week. I'm so scared. I'm scared of loosing my independence; I'm scared that if dinner doesn't come out right, he's not going to be happy then I didn't meet my goal for the day. I'm turning into a mouse hiding in the corner afraid to talk because what if I say the wrong thing? Is this normal? Well, I'm right back there. And I'm freaking out. I'm re-panicing. I can do this. I can do this. I can get my own life again, because I did it before. But it's different this time. I'm 2 years older now, and I know more than I did then. I'm different now. I want different things. Back then I just wanted my own career. Easy. Done. This time I want a purpose for my own life. Then everything else will fall into place around it, including my career. Now that's a lot of pressure

What's your purpose in life? I do want to just stay home, but how is it possible to find happiness here, all alone? How can I learn to deal with disappointment for those weekends when all our plans are cancelled because he got called in? What is my work if I stay home? Volunteer? I have no kids, I have no family support because I'm afraid to tell them I got laid off. In our matriarchal family, my mother and grandma will try to step in and pressure me with their opinions. I need to make sure this is my decision alone.

[diggitydot]

I'm scared of loosing my independence; I'm scared that if dinner doesn't come out right, he's not going to be happy then I didn't meet my goal for the day. I'm turning into a mouse hiding in the corner afraid to talk because what if I say the wrong thing? Is this normal?

No. That shit isn't normal. Well, maybe the being afraid of losing your independence when your marry, but that's about it. Worrying about dinner coming out right or your dude won't be "happy" or that you're afraid to speak? No, that shit isn't even in the same zip code as normal.

I do want to just stay home, but how is it possible to find happiness here, all alone? How can I learn to deal with disappointment for those weekends when all our plans are cancelled because he got called in? What is my work if I stay home? Volunteer?

Totally normal. You just have to find your own way. And yes, the only thing you will be able to count on with plans is that they have a high likelihood of changing. Typically, at the least opportune times. The beauty of not working outside the home is that your "work" is whatever you choose to make it. If you want to volunteer, go volunteer.

I have no kids, I have no family support because I'm afraid to tell them I got laid off. In our matriarchal family, my mother and grandma will try to step in and pressure me with their opinions. I need to make sure this is my decision alone.

Get a thicker skin and mentally tell them to go pound sand while smiling and nodding as they spew their unsolicited opinions. Or, do what I do and don't even bother smiling and nodding or keeping the "go pound sand" part to yourself. Unless they're paying your bills, they don't really get a vote in how you choose to live your life and they can only exert pressure if you allow them to take up real estate in your head.

Which decision are you concerned about their opinions? I could see family being concerned if you were considering an ill-advised 12" butterfly tramp stamp that says "Juicy" tattooed across your ass...

[GrayMatterWife]

What Diggity said.

I do understand how hard it is re: your identity and a paycheck. Until recently, I had always made more than DH. Now, he makes more. I feel a little bit of a loss--my role as breadwinner is gone. I am not deadweight, but in terms of raw $$, I count a lot less. I guess, at first, as I began to get adjusted to it, I began to explain purchases or expenses to DH--which I'd never done before because I didn't feel that I had to and I knew he had absolutely no interest. And, after he gave me several rounds of, "I don't understand. Wait? What? What are you asking? What do you want me to say? You need to buy a what? What is that? Is it important? Do I need to care? Why are things changing...you are the money person...you are making my head hurt...can I go outside and play now???" punctuated by panicked looks of cluelessness, I realized that (1) I still don't need to explain this, and (2) he still doesn't care.

[MsSassyBaskets]

Hi there! It sounds like you're feeling pretty lost right now. Have you thought about applying to new jobs since you were laid off? Were you happy with the field you worked in, or did you want to try something new? Volunteering, taking classes, or finding a part-time job are a few ways to try and figure out what you want to do.

What is the hardest part about "getting your own life," as you say? Is your spouse supportive of you finding a new direction? Is it just that you don't know what you want to do, or are there other barriers in your way?

[MrsK]

I get it. I was a lawyer and got laid off almost 2 years ago after having worked for the same firm for 13 years. It's painful! And humiliating! I felt as though I had lost one of the primairy relationships in my life, like a death had occured, and although it was not at all within my control, I felt responsible. I cried when I had to apply for unemployment benefits and when I didn't find comparable work quickly and my family had to move to a smaller home, I felt useless. Some days, it still feels like an open wound. Just yesterday, I blanched when my husband described me to another lawyer as a homemaker.

I was 7.5 months pregnant with our second child when I got laid off and my husband was a PGY2 so I had a good "excuse" to become a SAHM. No one could judge me for taking on that roll. In fact, in my present community, it was very strongly encouraged. I understand what you mean about loosing your independence, feeling like your security and sense of accomplishment depends on whether dinner turns out well. I'm not saying it's healthy but initially, I felt like my husband was my new "boss" since I was so used to being in someone's employ. I felt as if I'd get a negative performance review if I burnt dinner or left the house a mess. Worse yet, I felt like I could get "fired" if I failed at my new job. For me, a lot of these feelings go back to my parents' relationship and the home in which I was raised. IDK what your experience is but that's something to think about. It sounds to me like the women in your family taught you to value independence. That's a different message than I got growing up in a very patriarchal family but in either event I learned that being a homemaker is not valued.

Again, not trying to stir anyone up here. Some thoughts are irrational but they are still acknowledged and understood. Is it normal? Maybe, maybe not. Will you feel this way forever? No, you won't. It took me a while to find my new self and I'm still getting to know her, still in limbo trying to figure out what the next step will be. I love your idea of finding a purpose for your own life and letting the rest fall into place around it. It's a lofty goal and I struggle to find balance too.

What was your profession before? Was there anything that you wanted to do that you could not find time to do while working? Is there a skill you'd love to learn? What did you enjoy doing before you started your career?

As for your family, you should tell them that you got laid off. It's a tremendous burden to keep something like that a secret. Especially if your career was central to your life. It's like a death and should be mourned. Tell your family and then ask them to give you space to grieve. If they give advise, just tell them that you'll think it over and remind them that you need some time to regroup.

I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch. I was once laid off, so I can empathize. Initially I felt utterly and completely bummed out, upset, betrayed, embarrassed and hopeless. But I tried to fight through those feelings, and ultimately came to see the experience as a blessing. It gave me the gift of time and solitude to reflect and recharge my batteries. I needed some distance from my career to really know that it was indeed the right path for me (I'm a lawyer who has been, at times, very uncertain about my chosen field). Being out of work gave me a new perspective and renewed focus on my life goals.

I know it sounds hard to believe, but there is a silver lining in this. You can have a fresh start with your career, so give yourself some time to really think about what you'd like to do next. Then slowly, do something small everyday to make that happen. Do you have mentors or friends in your field that you can talk to? Can you volunteer in your area of expertise to build new skills while you look for a new job (if you do decide to return to work)?

Try to find the little things that make you happy and indulge in those on a daily basis. It could be going for a walk, reading a book, eating a bit of chocolate. It's important during this time to take care of yourself and make yourself feel good.

Again, I know it's hard, but really, really try to fight through the hard parts to see the positive in this. Keeping a daily gratitude journal really helped me with this. Sounds cheesy, but it made a difference for me.

Good luck!

[Liisi]

Is this a private forum? I'm not going to say too much, in case it's not, but... I hear you. I only work about 10 to 15 hours per week right now, and have no kids, and my SO is at work about 65 to 70 hours per week... so I end up spending way too much time on my own. I DO do volunteering and activism, partly because I genuinely enjoy it and have a deep need to help make the world a better place for women and children and to protect the Earth. BUT a lot of it is guilt, too - I feel this irrational need to, as Lily says, "justify my days." I keep feeling like I'm "supposed" to be Doing Something Important and Being Productive, and often can't figure out what to do or don't have the self-discipline to do it. The thing is, I don't want to work full time - it stresses me out. And from a financial standpoint, it's not necessary for me to work full time, and my partner's not at all pressuring me to work more... in fact, if I was working full time, too, it would sort of be a problem, because right now I do almost all of the cooking, cleaning, dog care, grocery shopping, errands, bill-paying, etc. I guess what I'm saying is, I like spending most of my time not working for pay, and it even benefits SO and me, but I feel guilty for not working more than I am. It's kinda messed up...

[MarissaNicole]

Could you possibly be depressed? Getting laid off is upsetting and difficult and I could see how it might trigger depression. I would expect you to be upset because of your situation, but your worrying makes me think you may also be battling depression?

[LyssaOnTheBorderline]

Sweetie it sounds like you might have some depression and anxiety... You might want to consider talking to your doctor...
*hugs* Take care hun


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[MrsK]

FYI, this is NOT a private forum.