work life "balance"

[houseelf]

A friend of mine posted this on FB and it is particularly relevant to this crowd:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robin-...b_4221360.html

A former iMSN member used to post her frustration that she wanted to WOH and raise kids. She stated that managing her career against the backdrop of her husband's residency/fellowship/moves was impossible because the doctor's career sucked up all the time, money, energy, emotion for the entire family.

I think that this issue is more acute for spouses in high profile, demanding careers.

Discuss!

[SoonerTexan]

Haha, somewhat timely. After another meeting with my boss, he said my performance has been great for the year, but his "negative" comment would be I'm wishy washy about what I want to do. He knows why with the baby and somewhat with residency. He wants to hear a long-term plan and keeps mentioning a management path again. I said so many things are uncertain til March I just don't know what will be physically possible for me to pursue as a goal.

His advice? "Take your children and husband's career out of the picture and figure out what you want to do. Then you can put them back in and see what you can change to make it happen"

I don't know how to respond except, "DUH THAT ISN'T GOING TO WORK." I cant get rid of a kid. I'm not willing to give in where my children are concerned. My husband's career will not be able give any to mine and his IS the priority. And honestly, I've chosen both of these situations and want the job to bend, not the other parts of my life. But of course that isn't an answer I can give! Honestly, I wish I could just say "mommytrack me. I'm okay with that. Let me provide value the best way I can." Women with kids opt out of certain positions for a reason. Who ever said it had to be a bad thing?

[moonlight]

Do all companies do this to people? I would hate the constant review for a career plan.
You've said it before but I forgot. The plan is to possibly stop working in 5 or so years?

[MsSassyBaskets]

I agree with the article... expectations have changed so much that it is becoming impossible to have work-life balance, no matter if you're a woman or a mother. I sometimes feel a bit aimless as someone who has little desire to advance to a management position. It's not even about future motherhood or mommytracking for me. Don't get me wrong, I work hard and want to do my work well, but when managing and "advancing" means devoting yourself 100% to work, I'm out. I work to live, not the opposite, and I already get basically no time off. I'm a creative person and my career can't meet my emotional demands, but at this point my creative endeavors can't meet my financial needs. So I work to stay gainfully employed and to stay a positive contributor to my company, but it doesn't fulfill me and it never will. In today's culture that makes me feel like a lazy underachiever, and I have to try not to stress about it or be apologetic. This is why I generally stay away from the "lean in/opt out" conversations... I don't feel like they apply to me. I don't have a choice about working, and if I did, I don't see management as some kind of ideal. It's not for everyone, and every worker should be utilized in a way that makes the most of their talents and that they are actually INTERESTED in. That's why I'm working on my Master's now... if possible, I will make a lateral move in a couple years into a more creative side of my field, "advancing" in what I'm interested in and avoiding the insanity of the management track a little longer. Hopefully I can find something that doesn't make me want to scream every day. That's about as much as I can wish for. Ugh. Sorry for the rant. Work discussions make me die a little inside, especially this week.

[SoonerTexan]

Do all companies do this to people? I would hate the constant review for a career plan.
You've said it before but I forgot. The plan is to possibly stop working in 5 or so years?

I think it's actually a great thing and he's a good boss for doing it. I'm just not ready with an answer right now. But I like to discuss that more in the private forums

So I work to stay gainfully employed and to stay a positive contributor to my company, but it doesn't fulfill me and it never will. In today's culture that makes me feel like a lazy underachiever, and I have to try not to stress about it or be apologetic. This is why I generally stay away from the "lean in/opt out" conversations... I don't feel like they apply to me. I don't have a choice about working, and if I did, I don't see management as some kind of ideal. It's not for everyone, and every worker should be utilized in a way that makes the most of their talents and that they are actually INTERESTED in.

Yes! I know *why* it is being pushed, but still, I know 80% of the company isn't management or the other upward sloping non-management path. EVERYBODY cant be a manager!

[Ladybug]

Great read! Thanks for sharing.

[Michele]

I'll have to try to find time to read the article. But my first thought was "work-life balance"? That shit exists in the land of "single mom sex life" "a good nights sleep" and unicorns.

[HouseofWool]

I'll have to try to find time to read the article. But my first thought was "work-life balance"? That shit exists in the land of "single mom sex life" "a good nights sleep" and unicorns.

Don't forget to "clean house" to the fantasy land.

[MAPPLEBUM]

And honestly, I've chosen both of these situations and want the job to bend, not the other parts of my life. But of course that isn't an answer I can give! Honestly, I wish I could just say "mommytrack me. I'm okay with that. Let me provide value the best way I can." Women with kids opt out of certain positions for a reason. Who ever said it had to be a bad thing?

Why can't you give that answer? I think you should be confident in the kind of life you desire. Now, if being "mommy tracked" would somehow put you at risk for losing your job or make less money, that's an entirely different matter, but if mommy track is what you want, then be confident in that. I don't have children because I don't want them, and I may never, but just because it's popular for women to stay in the work force doesn't mean that's right for everyone. Personally I'm the most unhappy when my career is not active and meaningful, but I also would be miserable working 70 hours a week. I would never try to make myself be either of those people. My feminism manifests in an impulse to protect and support whatever desires a woman has for her life. My sister had children and quit her job as soon as they could possibly afford it, and I hate to see her be apologetic, try to explain away why she doesn't work, or never went for that masters degree. Just because I'm not doing that with my life doesn't mean she's any less strong or "legitimate" part of society. I believe her choices are absolutely perfect for her and who she wants to be, and I'm glad that she's found it. She's a damn amazing mother and we need people like that in the world. I would say embrace who you want to be, not resist it.

Interestingly, I also agree with this "I work hard and want to do my work well, but when managing and "advancing" means devoting yourself 100% to work, I'm out. I work to live, not the opposite..." (Ms Sassy Baskets) and what it makes me think of, of course, is my husband who like all of your husbands is a total work feign. I could NEVER have that life either. I would kill myself. Maybe I'm just an unapologetic person. I'm totally comfortable being a professional without children, who still basically spends more time in the car than working.

In response to the article, I definitely see how what they're saying is true about the corporate world's misplaced opinions of male and female roles. However, this:

the work-family narrative operates as a collective defense mechanism protecting employees from the disturbing emotions that arise from the demand for long work hours. Each gender takes the key parts of being a whole person and splits them in two: a committed parent and a committed worker. Men fulfill the cultural dictates about male breadwinning, while women tend to home and family. Together, they enable a collective experience of wholeness, while permitting companies to maintain cultures of overwork. But on the individual level, people suffer.

I completely do not understand. Every act of homemaking makes me die a little (though cleaning can be calming at times). As I said, do not feel any impulse towards being a homemaker, and definitely do not feel like I'm not a "whole person". While I could see my husband is a little more traditional in this sense, this "work-family narrative" seems antiquated.

[SoonerTexan]

Why can't you give that answer? I think you should be confident in the kind of life you desire. Now, if being "mommy tracked" would somehow put you at risk for losing your job or make less money, that's an entirely different matter, but if mommy track is what you want, then be confident in that

We're less than 6 months from the match (and they have some idea of that) and I'm pregnant. I'm no career guru, but I know I need to be careful in how I frame my ambitions right now lest they see me as someone who is out the door anyway...

[ladymoreta]

What I found the most interesting about the article is that the company *wanted* this to be a problem for women only, and they didn't want to hear that the men in the company were also unhappy with the amount of availability the company asked for. When I was working in a very demanding company, they told us "take it or leave it". Most of us left it within a year or two, and it sounds like that's happening for a lot of companies. The obvious solution is to hire more people so existing employees can have a better work life balance, but i can't think of a really good motivation for the employers to do that. They seem to be okay with the turnover and employee dissatisfaction. I guess that pessimism is part of why I chose to opt out.

[reciprocity]

We're less than 6 months from the match (and they have some idea of that) and I'm pregnant. I'm no career guru, but I know I need to be careful in how I frame my ambitions right now lest they see me as someone who is out the door anyway...

I'm struggling with this as well. Going to get slammed in my review this year for my hours, but up until very recently it's been a very pleasant year. I really enjoyed working 9-5!