Sad about my job

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I just had my annual performance review. It was very good which is typical of my reviews with a few "work on this". I'm totally fine with all the comments, they were totally fair and it was an excellent review by any objective measure.

The review ended though with a note about my participation on our company's leadersship team (purposeful misspelling to avoid this being searchable). I was promoted to it in early 2016 prior to R being born. As you'll recall, I went back to work PT but was removed from the group leadding things because of my diminished capacity and role. We had agreed to revisit the issue and we had several times as I voiced that I still wanted it. Today...it was a "no". Not in my current capacity.

I'm just sad. I feel like I've worked for 12+ years at a job that wasn't my passion because I was good at it and it paid our bills. I enjoyed the respect of my peers that went along with being a leadder in our company and now that I've gone PT, I've lost all of that. And it's now off the table.

I cannot hack it going back to FT. I'm enjoying homeschooling and I don't want to go back FT; there's no reason that both of us need to be working uber high stress jobs. At the same time, I've realized that I do enjoy keeping my foot in the working world and the positives that the job provides (it's relatively flexible, I work from home, etc). Part of the reason that I think I enjoy homeschooling so much is that I know that I have something else to turn my brain to at noon. I know I will not find other PT work that pays this well (and if you can't cover your nanny costs...should you really be working unless it's a super acute situation?).

I guess I was really just hoping for a different answer. I realize this is all just really stupid and about my ego. I just feel like I worked so long and hard and my reward was that respect...and now it's clear that my designation will always be "really helpful role that everyone loves but def isn't a leadder". And I'm jealous that M gets to "have it all". Which is such a fuckin broken record that I know you all know. I just feel like it was all a stupid waste. And if I were SMARTER, I would have planned a more flexible career from the beginning so that I could continue to excel and be sometimes home with my kids. I wish I had had the balls to go back to school....

Ugh, whatever...no one should even be reading this at this point because it's all just a stupid whine.

[rufflesanddots]

I hear you loud and clear and I would feel the exact same way. This sucks, and you busted your ass for over a decade to be mommy tracked. That is really shitty, and stings especially hard as M moves into attendinghood.

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[scrub-jay]

Sad about my job

I’m listening. I empathize whole heartedly.

[medpedspouse]

It is NOT a stupid whine. If your DH (or any of our dawkter spouses for that matter) put in the same amount of time and effort as you have for more than a decade and then were faced with a similar situation, we would be in an uproar of "not fairs"...so, whine away.

Unfortunately, our work environments have not caught up to today's family demands. I imagine similar outcomes have occurred to to the fathers that have made similar choices. I wonder about your DH's thoughts on this. My DH has said the next move/change is for MY career...which sounds nice and all but I have been supporting his for so long I do not know anything else.

Whine & vent away...you have earned that and more!

[SoonerTexan]

(and if you can't cover your nanny costs...should you really be working unless it's a super acute situation?).

Eh, people hire sitters/nannies to do all sorts of things that they want to do--and a lot of the time they probably aren't even getting paid anything to offset the expense. So if you want to keep working, do it.

R is super close to being able to go to PreK throughout the day--very soon the expense will be minimal.

FWIW, though, I think you can do better. You have so many talents and you and your husband have a strong desire to serve--I bet you can find many other paid or unpaid roles that fulfill you infinitely more. [MENTION=1488]ladymoreta[/MENTION] has been an awesome example of this.

Also, while I've never achieved the level of career success you did, I can identify with those hurt feelings of working so hard and feeling worthless. My last couple performance reviews were similar--"you're doing fine, your work is good" with a simultaneous message of "you really don't matter much here anymore." While I was thrilled to leave, I did worry about how I would feel without something that had defined me for so long. The initial transition was a little difficult, but I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to step away completely. After awhile, the power it has over your life and confidence is just gone. It's remarkably freeing.

Now I look at it a different way--I am one of a small percentage of women out there (or will soon be) that can do whatever the hell I want without having to worry about supporting myself. It's awesome and exciting! Right now it is just parenting, but I have so many things I want to try out and help with when we are settled in a few years. To be fair, though--I never loved my career. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. If you love it, you might not feel like this. I know you've talked about wanting to do other things. Why not mull a little?

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I never loved it. I was good at it and had to just be happy with that. And now I don’t know what to do. Because you can’t change careers into a career you love while working 20 daytime hours a week with a lot of flexibility.

And I hear you on the nanny thing but I’m too prideful for that. If I’m working, I need to at least break even on childcare or for me personally, it’s not worth it.

Maybe once we settle down, I’ll put out other feelers. This is so obviously about my ego, it’s pathetic. I don’t know why I even thought they’d entertain this.


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[MarissaNicole]

Sad about my job

Forgive me if I am misreading you but I can’t help that this struggle is common. How many of us have struggled with our callings and passion. It’s like it’s a nasty side effect of supporting the doctor’s career.

We spend years in survival mode just working to pay bills and keep the family a float. Then when suddenly there is another REAL income, our career can finally be put into question.

If I recall correctly you hated this job when you were full time. But it paid way too well to leave. Now that you may not need it in six months I would expect you to suddenly question everything.

I loved my job for years. Then right when DH was graduating they screwed my advancement track and put me in a job I hated. I struggled for months as my job had been my identity and it had helped support our family. I didn’t want to stay but I didn’t want my office to be the one who determined that I should be a SAHM.

Now that I’ve found another job I feel a little more whole again. It’s not my dream job, but it gives me gratification.

Don’t work for the money. Work/volunteer/do what YOU want for you! You’ve sacrificed for years. It’s your turn.

Personally. I think I’m not patient enough to be a long-term-full-time SAHM (which is a whole other thread). But the point is if you want to pay a nanny to something that fufills YOU, and makes you a better mom/wife, you do it.

It’s hard to grasp. I get it. I don’t want to pay a nanny if I don’t have a job. But I realize that if it gives me some identity, then it’s what I’ll do. Easier said than done. But I wanted to tell you that all these feelings are normal and they probably aren’t going anywhere. It’s part of the growing pains of years of putting yourself and your job aspirations at the bottom of the list.

Big big hugs. Think bigger. Take your time. Allow yourself to dream.


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[civilspouse]

Don't feel bad for having these feelings. This is such a tough thing to navigate and I totally understand where you are coming from. I really enjoyed my job and I think I was good at it. After I returned from maternity leave for my daughter they gave me a raise because they said that they wanted to recognize everything I did and missed me while I was gone. Right after we moved I was contacted by a competing firm that we had worked with on a big project and asked if I wanted to come in and talk about a job. I really miss those feelings of validation and confidence that I don't get a home. I know there is no real going back know and I feel like I'm putting my head in the sand as to what I'll do when the kids are older. At least with the part time your foot is still in the door and maybe once you are settled and your kids are older you can find something new where you will not have been labeled as the mom who put her kids before career. There is a series of podcasts on the longest shortest time about this that were interesting and sad.


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[houseelf]

There, there.

This, my friend, is partially why this entire website is created. Honestly. In the scheme of things, you are correct. First world problem.

Yet, it isn't fair. Any five year old playing Candyland would object to the slated statistics of the game.

I really had a hard time hacking it. There was a thread the other day about putting deposits down on daycares across down in the hopes of *maybe* getting a spot so the family could pay a nice size mortgage payment. God, I do NOT miss that. Reading that shit again did something to me that I didn't even realize that I still have in me.

So, there there. I hope you go on to fucking slay the shit out of some huge corporation in a few years when your kids are older. I will smile and pat your back like a loving big sister as if I had something to do with it. Maybe trying to claim just a bit of that glory for a piece of my former self who fell out of the career world for about a decade. (To be clear, I was thrilled and peaceful to do so).

there, there. You're in a safe space.

[MrsK]

Oh boy, I get it. I really do. I’m *still* mourning the end of my career. I hated my career. It felt like a conveyor that I was trapped on and it just kept speeding up, getting more and more demanding. And it ended (traumatically) almost SEVEN years ago. I still can’t get over the helpless feeling I had when I found myself 7 months pregnant in Wichita with almost 15 years of experience and investment in my career which were totally irrelevant. When interviewers would look at my hugely pregnant belly and say, “Wouldn’t you rather be home with your children?”

Even now, even though I’m home with my children, even though I’d *rather* be home with my children, even though I had always wanted to get off the conveyor and be a midwestern SAHM, even though the matter is entirely in my hands now, I still feel dread? Anxiety? Frustration? I don’t even know what to call it.

I worry that my mentors will feel like they wasted their investment in me. Like they will be afraid to invest in other women. That my daughter will not have career goals. That my sons will not respect women. I worry that what I do for my family at home is not enough of an investment in improving the world around me. Face it, no one remembers the achievements of Einstein’s mother. Seriously, if I can ever get myself together again I think I’m going to write a book. I’m going to interview Nobel laureates and world leaders and celebrities about how they were parented and call it “Tell Me About Your Mother.” I mean, everyone says that parenting is such an important calling and that molding these future leaders is so important. Why doesn’t anyone respect mothers?

There have been so many times that I’m just sent over the edge by the most innocently intended remarks. My SIL asked me if I ever wonder why I bothered going to college when I’m folding the 15th load of laundry in a week. Or an acquaintance recently admonished me for shopping at a certain big box retailer who she feels is at odds with her political interests, saying, “You are well off. You don’t have to budget so you can shop at the more expensive store.” When I asked her who she was talking about because I don’t know anyone who doesn’t budget and my husband is 3 years out of residency she back-peddled, “Well, I just assumed, since you don’t have to work.... I mean, most people have to work for a living and you are at home....”. It just made me feel so superfluous. Like I’m just a leech or something because I’ve chosen to work my @$$ off for free.

I feel like every time I meet someone new, (especially since I changed my name and moved someplace where no one knows me from “before” due to the dawkter’s career), I have to announce, “I USED TO BE A BIG SHOT! I HAD A BIG IMPORTANT CAREER! I SUPPORTED MY FAMILY DURING RESIDENCY! MY ANNUAL INCOME USED TO BE MORE THAN MY HUSBAND’S IS NOW!!! I’M AS SMART AS HE IS! I CAN READ AND SPELL AND MATH AND ALL THOSE SMART PEOPLE THINGS!”

And then everyone asks whether I’m “going back to work” when my youngest starts school “full time”. (Which means kids are in school 8:30-3:30 except for when they are sick or there is a planning day or a holiday or winter break or spring break or summer break....when do they go to school, actually?) These people have no idea that going back to work in my former profession means working 60-80hrs/wk. Or that I’d never be able to work at that level again. And the thought of doing anything less just feels half-assed to me after I spent so long climbing to the top of that ladder.

The thing is, I just hate it when people assume that I just can’t do anything but parent. (And for all I know, they think I’m doing a mediocre job of that cuz, you know, mommies are harshly judged.). But then, I feel like because of the commitments I have made to my family, I *can’t* do anything else. Or, maybe I just don’t want to do anything else but I want people to know that I am capable of doing something else?

I’m rambling. Sorry if I hijacked your thread [MENTION=1315]TulipsAndSunscreen[/MENTION]. It’s just, this has been rattling about in my head for a long, long time and I still haven’t sorted it out.


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[Thirteen]

You matter, and your worth is not measured by this employer (thank god). You are an invaluable human being, and I wanted to affirm you.


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[MrsK]

Sad about my job

I really miss those feelings of validation and confidence that I don't get a home. I know there is no real going back know and I feel like I'm putting my head in the sand as to what I'll do when the kids are older.

Oh, so much this.

And then I think....my mom will probably need me more as the kids need me less. But then, there will be a time when neither mom nor the kids need me and then what? It’s devastating.

Also, while I’m announcing to people that I know how to read... I also feel compelled to tell them that I used to be skinny and well groomed too. The thing about the medical marriage, moving to places where you have no past, it’s so frustrating. No one knows about your individual accomplishments.


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[OrionGrad]

I don’t have any words of wisdom here, but [MENTION=1315]TulipsAndSunscreen[/MENTION] I wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I struggle with some of these same issues, particularly the challenges that come with working part time by choice.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Sad about my job

Ugh, hugs to you all. Forgive me for pretending you don’t ALL know this. I’m not happy to have company but thank you for sharing this space with me.

Oh, and [MENTION=792]houseelf[/MENTION], that preschool payment...that was me. Trying to make it work and cling to control over my tiny “kingdom”. 😂


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[MAPPLEBUM]

Hey T&S, I'm sorry about that. That really sucks even if you are exactly where you want to be.

This thread has inspired me to figure out a way to start talking about compromise with my students. I know no one ever talked to me about that and yet in reality once you begin making adult decisions compromise is the hue of those choices. Do I go to the better school or take out less loans and stay in state? Do I go after my passion or choose a practical career? Do I raise my children the way I think is best, or keep my career?

The obvious fact is to a certain degree you're kind of damned if you do, damned if you don't. You have found a great balance recognizing that you want to home school your kids AND work, but the compromise is that puts in you in a less competitive track. I know I'm saying obvious things but you have made good decisions. Thoughtful decisions. You have worked hard to find a balance and have done well, yet the compromise is always there, and what hurts most is seeing that our spouse has had to make fewer compromises than us.

I think a lot about the violin professor who refused to follow her husband to fellowship and then insisted he take a job in that small Kentucky town. Was it her idea or his that he only practice medicine 2-3 days a week while they have young kids? How can I manifest a will so strong my husband is inclined to compromise even a fraction of the amount I have?

Anyway, you're exactly where you need to be and when change comes upon you again I'm sure you will continue to make good decisions. This sign of scaling back from your career is only temporary if you want it to be. In the meantime, I hope it stings a little less.

Ugh, hugs to you all. Forgive me for pretending you don’t ALL know this. I’m not happy to have company but thank you for sharing this space with me.

Oh, and @houseelf, that preschool payment...that was me. Trying to make it work and cling to control over my tiny “kingdom”. 


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