Ack, what to do with *MY* life...

[Vanquisher]

Since the time I was 7 years old I have wanted to be a doctor, I have wanted to go to medical school, and I have wanted to practice medicine. Well, I married dh, the family came along, and yada, yada, yada, my plans went kaput.

So, the ILs asked dh the other day if I was planning on going to med school still. He didn't know what to say other than, "I don't know." For the last little while, I had kind of resigned myself to the fact that I would never go to medical school and that I wanted my kids to have parents, I would settle for PA school. After all, I told myself, I may be able to do practically the same thing *if* I decided on pediatrics, for example.

But, then I got thinking (a dangerous pasttime) about what *I* really want, and I'm left with, "I don't know." Ugh. So here are my pros and cons about going to med school vs. PA school. I'm hoping you can all be my online therapists, as usual, and help me sort this out. Have I mentioned that I am so glad I found this board?

Pros:

1. I would feel accomplished and that I did not sell myself short or settle.
2. I would probably not reget it in the long run.
3. It would provide a good example to my children about not giving up on their goals or dreams.
4. I would have more choice and autonomy with my eventual career.
5. I could practice different kinds of medicine if I chose to, like anesthesia.

Cons:
1. Getting into medical school, prerequisites that I would have to take and retake, and the MCAT.
2. Time - far more required.
3. Location - possibility of moving the family and an attending to do this road (also possible with PA school, but for less time)
4. Residency, residency, residency.

I just don't know what to do. If I started soon, I could take all my med school prerequisites while dh is in residency (labs would be tricky), and apply. If I give up on this idea, I may regret it and be further behind. Who knows if there will be a PA school where dh gets a job anyway. Ugh. I have way more baggage than dh did, and he definitely did not have to think of all these things when he decided to be a doctor. I'm just feeling like it is all completely unfair, and I am never going to get to do what I want to do. My kids come first, but at some point, there has to be room for me too. I don't know.

I hear you

Hello Heidi:

I mostly lurk here but just wanted to say I can emphasize with the struggles. I first came here when I was applying to medical school myself and made the very difficult decision of turning down my acceptance. This was based on having to be seperated from my husband for a year, concern about the large amount of debt and also that my idea of what being a doctor would be like was not being carried out in reality. A large constriction for me was having children. If I had gone, I would have been 34 at the earliest out of residency. I would have to either have kids during residency (eek) or have them with 200+ K debt (double eek).

I liked your pro and con list. The one think in the pro list is that being a doc might offer more autonomy and choice. On one level this may be true but it is also a lot harder to change specialties as a doc, and also the debt load can reduce the autonomy and choice as well. I think it is also helpful to see which areas you might end up and which types of midlevels are more accepted and their practice rights. It can vary from state to state and also specialty- arrgh.

What helped me make a decision was shadowing as many different professions as possible and also trying to see what the possibilities were in my area. I ended up doing a social work degree because I wanted the clinical exposure and the option sometime down the road to practice independently if I wanted to. Midlevels in my area still are relatively restricted with regards to this. I do miss the biological perspective but am thinking maybe down the road of returning with a MPH. Reading the boards at mommd helped too to get a sense of how women are balancing work and family. Some women do it well as docs but I don't think I would be one of them!

Well, good luck to you. Just wanted to let you know I feel your pain! It can be so hard to manage careers and family.

Take care,
Curious

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Ack, what to do with *MY* life...

Heidi,

I have been on a very similar roller coaster over the last few years. When my dh and I met I was almost finished with my BA (german/psych double major) and had also decided that I wanted to go to med school. I too the pre-reqs, applied and was accepted....and then right after we were married, I found out that I was pg. I decided to defer...and then...to just delay and be at home for a few years with the "I'll have time for myself someday" idea.

Years later, I got my MS in mol. biology and figured it too, would act as a stepping stone for me....

For me, personally, surviving dh's residency/fellowship put things into a diff. perspective. Could I technically survive the rigors of med school and residency? I think that I could. The question for me now though is "at what cost".

Going to med school now would mean hiring a full-time Nanny...something we could also probably do with a little help from student loans. It would mean that I would go to class and study all day...and then I'd study all evening once the kids were in bed. It would mean less time together with my husband and kids and that I would have little control over whether or not I was able to go to my daughter's dance recital or my son's baseball game. I'm sure they'd survive...but it isn't what I want for them or for me.

Also...what if I worked really hard and applied and got admitted to a med school out-of-state...could my dh just up and move and start practicing someplace else? How about again for residency? What if I didn't match somewhere where there were practice opportunities for him? Could he move with me again...and then again so that I could go into practice?

Sure, theoretically, I made these choices for him so he 'should' be willing to make them for me, but the truth is that it takes time to become invested in a practice and have your salary go up. The first two years you earn much less than later. Some practices also require expensive buy-ins.

What about the kids? Could I ask them to move again? They already survived residency and fellowship once.

I have visited http://www.mommd.com regularly over the last few years to get some insight from other moms in medicine (or those in med school or contemplating it) and the one thing that I have seen that is consistent is that those who get into med school almost always say "this is so much harder than I ever could have imagined" and many privately tell me "I would never do this again...it isn't worth it".

I guess it all depends on the kind of family life that you want though. Take what I say with a grain of salt though...I may just be rationalizing my own choices.

I looked at your list of pros and cons....and I really understand them. I've made many similar lists myself over the years.

I would argue:

1. I would feel accomplished and that I did not sell myself short or settle.

Medicine isn't the only career that could give you that feeling of accomplishment.

2. I would probably not reget it in the long run.

Maybe...but if you missed out on the next 8 years of your children's lives to study/do residency and start out in practice would you regret that?

3. It would provide a good example to my children about not giving up on their goals or dreams.

Or you could show your chilren that life hands you difficult choices and that you can have more than one goal/dream to work to accomplish and still be happy.

4. I would have more choice and autonomy with my eventual career.

Partially true...though with HMOs dictating treatment and hospital groups dictating patient quotas it's tougher.

5. I could practice different kinds of medicine if I chose to, like anesthesia.

True....though you could become a teacher and teach different grade levels or subjects etc...



The question is...would you be willling to sacrifice time with your husband and children to embark on this career? The payout financially at the end might be worth it...though there will be loans to pay back too.

I guess my choice has become pretty clear. I decided that I was torturing myself constantly thinking of this as an option when I clearly wasn't willing to give up the time with my husband and children. I still sometimes feel deflated or frustrated when I think of what could have been professionally, but at the end of the day, what matters most of all to me is my husband and children. I wouldn't trade my family for medicine at this point in my life. That is basically what medicine asks you to do.

I have opened the door to new options in my life...I have taught biology labs at our local state U, worked on test questions for the ETS, have taught german to elementary school children and adults and am currently working on two writing projects that are important to me.

I'm teaming up with a fellow mom who does german teaching to open up classes through community ed next year and...I feel more fulfilled than I ever thought I could. Once I stopped seeing medicine as the be all/ end all I was able to embrace options and try them out.

Good luck with your decision. You should check out http://www.mommd.com Sethina has put together a great website and you will find plenty of information.

There are women who do it and make it work...and maybe it is what is right for you.