I want to quit! I think...

OK, I have a career and two kids and a husband in residency and am just so tired. We have one year left in residency. Do I quit once he's done? I know I'll take some time to help our son start kindergarten, get us all settled, etc, but should I give it up entirely. Since I post so erratically, a lot of you probably don't know me, but I'm a neuroscientist with a job that is exciting/challenging/thankless/demanding/ rewarding/exhausting. We're working on growing stem cells for Parkinson's disease (the scientific topic of the hour but no, they're not embryonic stem cells) which is a complete emotional roller coaster of seeking funding, thinking the cells are doing well, thinking they're not, etc. But how fun to be in on such a potential medical revolution! My problem is, I can't ever be an important player in this sort of fiel without being in the lab 7 days a week, and that just won't happen. I'd rather play with my kids, and with call schedules, etc I have to be the primary caretaker. Every day that I plan to get home after Tom (ie, he picks them up) I worry that something will come up and he won't be able to. Yesterday I left at 5:30 onlyh to get a call from him that he had just left the hosp. and would I call the school that he would be late getting the kids (I have a 1.2 hour commute, another byproduct of inflexible residency). Of course he couldn't have called me earlier, he was doing procedures... I worry about this all the time, so end up being the one to get the kids most of the time and not devoting as much time as I should to work. So I can't be a big-time scientist anyway. I don't begrudge the kids at all, they come first, but I do resent that residency puts such restrictions on my career. Every 4th day I'm late to work and early leaving because Tom's on call and I'm the sole caretaker, and if they get sick... well of course I'm the one to go get them. Does anyone else feel this limitation on their careers? How do you cope? My main impulse is just to quit, but that's probably just because I'm so tired. Sorry if this is a long complaining post.

Kaaren

Oh Kaaren....I hear you!!! I went through some similar things with the lab over the last two years (I'm of course not a PhD neuroscientist, so you'll forgive the comparisons I'm going to make ) I went through the pick-the-kids up thing regularly..Thomas couldn't pick them up and there were times that I was in the middle of a ssDNA synthesis or something and it just took longer than I expected (don't things always in the lab? You realize someone else used what you need and you have to go and get more, etc, etc...or someone is using the only centrifuge in the lab and has it set for 2 hours!!!). I think my blood pressure was high for the entire last semester I was a wreck, running to and from where I needed to be...and I felt guilty for my children having to stay so late in the afterschool program...I cursed and cried in the car when traffic was slow and I was afraid I would get there and the school would already be closed!!! Trust me...my stress was showing! Thomas just couldn't ever pick them up and it was so stressful. I, too, felt that I was sacrificing becoming a "scientist"...but also that I was sacrificing being a good mother...It is a horrible place to be, and society doesn't really tend to support the mom in these situations....Add to that the stress of our spouses training and it can really be completely exhausting. I was having to go into the lab at night to run gels, set up overnights, autoclave broths, etc, etc...and I wasn't getting home some nights until 2 or 3am...and started all over the next day at 6.30 or 7.00....I literally stumbled through the last 5 months of his training....



Now that he is done, I am at home...and honestly, Kaaren, in many ways it is a great relief. The hardest part is adjusting to not having grown-ups around and not having a task at hand other than laundry and household duties...I sometimes find myself pacing in the house and am spending way too much time online...but I feel that once I adjust more and the kids start school and I have some alone time that things will continue to improve....I am looking to start teaching part-time at the local college. Have you given teaching any thought? It doesn't have the same glamour about it that the lab does...but it also doesn't have the same demands on your time....the experiments that you work on for weeks, the cells that you grow and nurture and then after a couple of months of solid work you find out your experiment didn't do what it was supposed to and you have to start again....up against the wall....begging for funding.........



I haven't helped you much, I'm sure..but I can commiserate...



Make a list of the pros and cons...plain and simple..and let this be your guide...look into some alternatives and see what you come up with.....



Let me know what you think.....



Kris

Hi Kaaren-

I'm sorry it's taking so long to reply to your post- I'm still reeling a bit from the big 800 mile move my husband and I just made.

I have never worked in a lab, but have a good friend that also is a PhD researcher, so I've heard a good bit of the same worries that you've expressed in your post. So, I don't think you're alone in these worries if that is any consolation at all.



As someone who has/is going through this kind of "am I doing the right thing with my life?" crisis, I can identify a little of what you are going through. I think the thing I struggled with more than anything was giving myself the permission to look at an option for my life other than the one I had already chosen. I know that I am bad about deciding something is right for my life, then not being willing to let go of it when I find that it isn't really working for me. Maybe it is stubborness, maybe it is just that what is familiar is more comfortable than what is not.



Anyway- enough rambling. I obviously can't give you advice for your life because only you can know what is best. WHat I can say though is that your originial post sounds like you know what you want to do, you just aren't able to give yourself the permission to do it. I believe that with this whole medical training process, we figure out what we have to have and what we can live without and we make our decisions based on that. FInd a way to step away from the day- to -day details of your current situation and look at it for what it is. Identify what makes you happy about it, what makes you unhappy about it-something that is almost impossilbe when you are in the middle of the situation. Think about options- a job closer to home ( maybe teaching like Kris suggested), or a teenager in need of an afterschool job that could pick up your kids. Then figure out what a workable option is. Life is truly too short to spend big chunks of it unhappy.



Good luck with this situation. It is a tough one. Let us know how things are going.



Wendy

[Meenah]

Hi Kaaren

My children are older so I can only give you my advice from hindsight. My youngest daughter is 16 and starting the 11th grade, my oldest will be 18 in three weeks and starts her first year of college.



If I ask my children if they remember all of the times I was stuck at the hospital (I 'm a nurse) they will say YES. If I ask the hospital if they remember all of the overtime I put in over the years they will say NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Just ask yourself who will remember, appreciate and benefit from your time during these years, your children or your employers. I wish I could have afforded to stay home, but I couldn't. Now it is too late. I am very close to my daughters, and I feel no harm was done to them, but I do wish I had had the opportunity to stay home. As it was I worked weekends, nights, etc. so I wouldn't have to use daycare and they were either with me or their Dad, but my marriage suffered. It seems the girls wre always home, but we were rarely home as a family. I am now remarried and look forward to many years of enjoying my children (I still work - now I have to pay for college!!

This is quite a rambling commentary, sorry.

Luanne

I was reallly in a bad way and needed the support. Now I'm just in a sort of bad way. Yesterday it took me two hours to get home from the lab and I had a sort of panic attack. Luckily Tom got the kids but... I missed everything but bedtime and was miserable about it. The only things keeping me from quitting are 1) the fact that there are only 2 of us running things and I can't leave my boss/PI in the lurch, and 2) the pay. Nice thing, a paycheck. But it's really the first factor that's keeping me here. I appreciated what you all wrote, not just for the support but because you're giving me permission to think it's OK to quit. You're right, Wendy, I do mostly know what I want, but am hesitant to go ahead with it. And Luanne, what you say about wishing you had been with the kids is crucial - I could take the long hours and thanklessness if I weren't wondering how the kids were and wishing I were playing with them the whole time!

Anyway, thanks for responding even though I was a little nuts. Kris, I really appreciate your words of encouragement. Let me know how the transition goes for you - are you going to stay at home for a while or search for a lab/teaching job?

Kaaren

Glad that things are a little better. Isn't it amazing how much better it can feel to just talk about something? Please let us know how the sitaution evolves and what you decide to do. Good luck!



Wendy