On becoming unboring

[Phoebe]

I am so boring. I don't do anything, but take care of my kids and work out a few times a week. I ran a half-marathon this spring which felt great having a goal for myself.

My kids are getting older now and I feel like I have more down time when they want to play by themselves (well I still can't get anything done). I don't have anything to share in discussions with my husband besides day-to-day stuff. I feel like half my brain has been shut off or something. I enjoy scrapbooking and have tried making more time for that when the kids are in bed. But I am thinking I need more. My plan, always on the back burner, was to return to school after we got settled here. The graduate program I am interested in is not local. After looking have been looking up graduate programs and potential jobs online, I am interested in pursuing something not a full-time position, but just something to get me out of the house.

Some of you might lynch me for saying this, but I am torn about taking on more for myself because I am not sure if I want the stress. DH's schedule stinks. It is different every week and the hours vary, as well. The inconsistency is difficult for my husband and hard on our family. They rely on me to for stability. If I brought more stress into our home I would feel the brunt of it. This is my personal belief as I know my husband would support me working or attending school (at least in theory).

I am toying with the idea of taking a graduate class as a non-degree seeking student to see how it goes. Of course I make this decision in the same month that most semesters start so I don't know what to do. How do those of you who work or attend school manage with your spouse/SO keeping a hairy schedule? I am more worried about time management than financial aspects.

[PrincessFiona]

1. YOU are not boring. I've talked to you many times and I find you to be a very interesting, intelligent woman...so get that out of your head!

I think taking a class or finding a part-time job is a great idea if you're feeling the need to branch out and have some 'me' time! When I was teaching part-time it was just the trick to get me feeling more motivated about things at home.

The flipside of course, is the stress. That's something that I don't miss and won't miss for the Fall. I think it's possible to find a balance, Jenn..it just depends on the class you take or the job you get.

kris

[pstone]

I thought I was getting boring too when all I have to talk about is daily stuff at home, but really...DW only has daily stuff to talk about also, hospital this, attending that....bah!

I like to listen to NPR (go ahead and label me libral again) and we get Time and Newsweek. I keep toying with taking classes also, and very well might, but the wife also seems interested and excited when I just describe what our little boy did during the day.

I'm an NPR addict as well. I stopped the Time & Newsweek when I finally acknowledged that we had no $ during training (uh - 4th year .... , I'm good at denial). I might start one up again now - but the kids will just tear it up.

I'm going to find a pottery class I think.

[SueC]

Yeah, I feel like listening to NPR at least keeps me up on current events and such. I went through a boring crisis about a year ago--I felt completely incapable of carrying on a meaningful conversation that didn't involve my kids. I think taking a class is a fabulous idea--learning something new can be incredibly mentally stimulating. Due to lack of funds and childcare, I had to settle on just reading more books and playing fewer games of Snood.

[DCJenn]

Hello- This is a formerly interesting person...

I really, really am thankful that I can be home but Dear God...let me have ANY kind of discussion with ANYONE about ANYTHING. My beloved is no use, he reads nothing but neurological crap and listens only to the f-ing iPod, and needs me to prep him prior to family functions. (OK, so what was on the news that I need to know about because you KNOW your mom is going to ask."

I'm ready to pick a fight with tourists based on the t-shirts that they wear.

Jenn

[pstone]

I do so agree, seems I can get tele marketers to tell me "they are not interested" so I was not saying I don't understand, but...the DW at first seemed so much more interesting but now I see that she will only have work to talk about. Is funny because she asks me what is going on.

I try to think back about when I was working, all of 9 months ago and I guess I do realize I had work and other people's entertaining lives to talk about...so I am just reading and trying to keep up on stuff around the world.... :family:

[HeartRN]

I, too, feel very boring, blase, blah. However, rather than dying to have a conversation with somebody over 30 inches tall, I find this little person (plus fulltime work) so saps the life out of me that by 8 pm, I'd rather get on the internet or work a crossword. I am trying to find the energy/strength/motivation to GET A LIFE! *If you know the secret, please fill me in* I'm hoping that in my case, the anti-crazy medicine will kick in soon (Lexapro, that is...)

[Meenah]

Peter, you have to do more to be as liberal as Jenn & me!!!! We do the NYTimes and The New Yorker here in Princeton!!
Luanne

[pstone]

Libertarian maybe, liberal...hmm....less now then when in college, and as I age and have kids it seems I could give a crap less about things I used to feel passionate about.

how does it go:

If you are not a liberal when you are 20 you don't have a heart; if you are not a conservative when you are 40 you don't have a brain- some president....

I really hate both parties/labels...

[Sheherezade]

Jenn-

Did you decide to take a class? Or do you have to wait a semester to sign up? I took some classes my last year in Boston in patent law/intellectual property. Getting out of the house by myself one night a week was fun and the material was interesting. The best part was finding out I still have a brain. I did very well in the classes - a big ego boost. I had a babysitter arranged even though it was DH's "good" night. I would say that more than 50% of the time, he didn't show in time for me to catch the bus to class. Good thing I had the babysitter. I did have to miss a class or two due to sitter problems across the year. Stress at home was a concern for me as well. DH is terribly disorganized and I didn't want to start fighting with him for not remembering my commitments. (He hardly remembers his own!) I agree that good childcare is the key to reducing the stress. Since finances aren't a big issue, I would get that set up before you sign up for classes. There are bound to be conflicts, but if you find a good person there shouldn't be too many.

What do you want to study? Is it for your own personal growth or are you working towards some career goal?

As for the "boring" thing, I agree with everyone else here. Just because your focus is on your "job" - taking care of children - doesn't make you boring. If you sat next to a data entry person at a party and he talked about his work, it probably would sound monotonous too. It is the personal interactions at a workplace that make for good conversation. It is hard to have an adventurous life with two small children in tow. If you did, people would probably think you were crazy for dragging the little kids into these things! I have a "very interesting" relative with small children; her husband tried to have her declared an unfit mother when they divorced. She had great stories, but certainly didn't provide a stable home. (She kept partial custody.)

[Amiens]

Don't feel alone! I am going through the same struggle right now. In fact during our vacation to visit the in-laws, I broke into tears one night while Matt and I were in bed, because all of my sister-inlaws have all these interesting things going on outside of their stay-at-home duties, and I felt like all anyone says about me in the family is that I stay at home and take care of the children while Matt works at the hospital. For example, 1 SIL owns a successful chemistry analysis business, another one is getting her Master's degree, another is a radiology tech, blah, blah, blah. I have been feeling like there isn't anything more to me than being a mother. Yes, I know it's a noble job to be a mother and raise kids, but I have been feeling like my "identity" has shriveled up and died that I am only known as "Emma and Brigham's mommy." The one thing I don't want to be is a typical doctor's wife, which I am starting think maybe I don't know the true definition of. I really struggled during our trip with how everyone in the family kept asking about how the kids were liking their new home or how Matt was enjoying his new job. At the end of the conversation I would think to myself "Umm do I exist? Aren't you going to ask about ME?" Selfish I know, but I guess it would be nice to be recognized as Crystal than Matt's wife or the mom.

Matt has been gently pushing me to put the kids in preschool for 2 mornings a week to give me a chance to develop myself and my interest- my rubber stamping. I really want to start giving card making, and eventually teach scrapbooking classes again in our new area.

Anyway, I have succumbed to pressure and we found a preschool that will take both kids. They will start in September. Matt keeps reminding me that I can spend the time stamping, volunteering, getting whatever I want done, that the options are endless. I am trying to set some goals for myself, and I will give you a progress report.

Do think as stay-at-home parents that maybe we get so wrapped up in taking care of the kids and our homes, that we fail to set goals to improve or recharge ourselves?

Crystal

[pstone]

I say this as I am forever running home for "nap time" but someone told me once that "you bring the kids into your life"

I try to remember that, right now however it just means I read books in lieu of cleaning, or draw instead of cleaning...pattern there.

[Vanquisher]

Peter, some how, I think you need to learn that nap time can be more flexible.

I really think it will help your sanity. Have the little guy nap in the car or stroller while you are out, and if he doesn't get a nap exactly on target, postpone it!

I really think it will help you to not feel so trapped in your schedule. He'll be okay, I promise. He might get a little crabby, but hopefully not too bad, and hopefully he can learn to nap in other places. It's a good skill to learn.

[mommax3]

Crystal, I have felt the same way as you many, many times. I think people just don't know what to ask SAH parents.....the formulaic questions just don't work. And I think they don't realize how hurtful it is to be totally left out of the question, when they ask about the kids and the spouse, but never about you.

I think preschool is a great idea, but I have harped on that for many years around here, so you all know that.

I don't feel too boring (I usually know more about current events than DH!) but I do feel that people don't always bother to talk to me long enough to discover my sparkling personality! I think the two things I have done that have helped have been to a) have a block of time to myself each week and b) keep up with my interests. Granted, my interests have always been child development and education, which goes along with child-rearing pretty well, but I have tried to read current books and keep up with theories while I have been at home. Lately, those interests have branched off into counseling, something I may explore more in a year or two. Music (my major was music education) has also given me another outlet, as have the churches I have been involved with. This website, actually, has given me some of the interaction I crave, although it would be much better if I could see all of you in the flesh! I am interested in DH's particular specialty, too, which is helpful in our conversations, and we talk a lot about personalities he sees in his job.....we don't usually run out of things to talk about. I think it would be harder if he was in a specialty I knew nothing about.

I think it is very hard to set ADDITIONAL goals when you are a parent, especially when you stay home. The work expands to take up every available minute, it seems. The flexibility that I wanted to have when my kids were little is both a blessing and a curse, because I am not a self-starter and I function lots better when there is a structure imposed on me. That is why I was so impressed with the guys' schedule on a typical day. I just kind of fumble through, doing what needs to be done on a daily basis, until my life gets busy enough that I HAVE to have a schedule, and then things really hum along. Until I get too busy, that is, and then it all crashes and burns.....finding that elusive balance is tricky!

Whatever you decide.......it is NOT wrong to take time for yourself, even if it means you leave your child(ren) in the care of someone else (not your spouse). Just because you are a stay at home parent, it doesn't mean that you have to function as though you are surgically attached to your child. When we went away for our anniversary a few weeks ago, I was talking to the host at our bed and breakfast. He had been a single dad for a few years, (his kids are grown now and he is remarried) and he was telling DH and I that what we were doing was good for our kids and good for our marriage.....he said, "sometimes you have to get away from them for awhile, so you can love them better when you come back." He was right! Everyone needs to recharge in order to do their best at their chosen profession.

And jlynnb, you are NOT BORING!

Jloreine, is there a particular tshirt that gets you going? Maybe I will buy one, put it on, and show up on your doorstep someday.

Peter, I was very particular about naptime with my oldest, but less so with the younger two. It is very hard to stay home with a baby when you have been used to interaction with people who talk. Naptime can be flexible if you need it to be....just keep that in mind. And go ahead and read or draw if you want to from time to time!

Sally