Personal pressure. . .and societal presssure?

Sorta related to the other posts on women and careers and mommyhood. . .which I want to add something to as soon as I finish this chapter . . .

Do any of you also feel pressure from the whole "spouse of an MD" stereotype to have an "important" career? I always joke about how I am going to work the night-shift at the gas station . . . but can you imagine the social events? "Uh, yes, hello, this is my wife, she is the night manager" I know this is an extreme example not to mention that I shouldn't give a HOOT what all of those people think.

Random thoughts as usual. . .

[DCJenn]

Claudia-

I can't remember where I posted it- but I mentioned that someone told me I didn't act like "a doctor's wife". Whatever that means.

I have the kind of job that normal kills all conversation anyway.

Q- What do you do?

A- I run Group Homes for adults with developmental disablities and mental retardation...

Q- Oh... then its: 1) you must be very patient or 2) it must be so nice to work with 'those people' or 3) you have a big heart or 4) some reference to doing God's work

So...

I think that I feel pressure as a med spouse to have a certain body type...and I think to be in a profession that Jenn calls a "pink collar" job. I can't tell you how many times someone has asked me if I'm a nurse....I mean..there is nothing wrong with being a nurse..my mom is a nurse and I couldn't be prouder of her and her accomplishments...but some people assume automatically that I met my husband while working in the hospital as a nurse..it's kind of funny.

I remember telling the story here of going to the bank to open up our account here...Thomas turned to me and said "Do you want to put your MS on the check?" The bank VP turned to me and said "Oh, are you a social worker" (again...a great profession....I was a psych major in undergrad and have nothing but respect for people who dedicate their lives to the field...like our "caring counselor" Jenn ) When I told him what my MS was in, he was taken aback...and it occured to me that there was stereotyping going on.

But Jenn, on the other hand, you're right too..because I think the assumption would be that you would work in the hospital doing some kind of aftercare planning...not be out in the trenches saving the world!

Quote: Q- Oh... then its: 1) you must be very patient or 2) it must be so nice to work with 'those people' or 3) you have a big heart or 4) some reference to doing God's work

How do you respond? Do you have any "good ones"?



This is such an interesting topic!

Kris

I guess I feel some of this pressure, but my main pet peeve is that as soon as someone hears that my husband is a doctor and I stay home, they act as if they have me all figured out, right down to my political preferences, when in reality they don't know me AT ALL! And many of you know this, but those of you who are still in the midst of training, trust me, practically no one you meet gives any thought to how your husband got where he is. They just assume it was always easy for you.

A woman my husband did residency with is now in Germany. We are very good friends with her and her husband. During residency, he was a car salesman at a Cadillac dealership and was GREAT at it. He has a degree in psychology and has found jobs wherever they have been living during her training in a lot of different fields. Anyway, now that they are on a military base in Germany, he was having some trouble finding something to do. He finally took a job as a clerk in a video rental store and told his wife (tongue in cheek) to tell people that he was "working in the film industry". However, since he has been there, the two people senior to him have quit and he is now the manager.

As far as personal pressure, I do fight the feeling that since my husband has managed to get through all of this grueling training, the least I can do is have it all "together" on the home front. Having a husband that tells me often that my job is harder than his saves me from getting too caught up in this train of thought, but some days I really let it get to me.

That is too funny, Sally . . . "the film industry" - so, really if I was a night manager, I would technically be working in the oil industry. This reminds me of that awful primetime game show "Studs" that was on many years ago - where the "careers" were greatly puffed up. But off topic. . .

the stereotypes are SO narrow and your responses confirm this. "Your" career should preferably be in the "caring" industry but not too high up there, definitely not in the blue collar industry, blah blah blah . . . they should have an owners manual on how to be a perfect doctor's wife. I saw a job with the Amer. Heart. Assoc. listed last night and I think it triggered all of these feelings - I read the description and unfortunately thought ooooh, wouldn't this just look perfect? both of us in the "caring" industry.

A couple of years back I was at the grocery store checking out when the cashier asked me for my work number (for the check). I told him I was a full time mother. This brat then tells me that I needed to get a job. This kid (maybe 19 - and working in a grocery store as a cashier for crying out loud, not exactly the pinnacle of success) got quite an earful from me - beginning with "And you don't think it was a job for your mom to raise YOU?" And ending with me feeling much better for throttling him verbally. The end.

Seriously, though, I hear from women from just about every situation that they feel pressure to be the opposite of what they are or go in the opposite direction from where they are headed. So, I strongly suspect that there is a great deal of personal pressure involved there - lots of "what ifs". As far as societal pressure, I have only gotten the expectation that I should be doing something "more important with my life" from people in the lower socio-economic brackets! Isn't that odd?

Jennifer

[DCJenn]

Jennifer-

I was thinking about the responses you've gotten and I wonder if it may be resentment because of the perception people have "oh, she stays home, they must have tons of money" thing. Like my co-worker's husband who asked why I worked because my husband is a doctor. (Do you think Miss Manners would have a problem with me punching someone if they were rude first?)

People are so curious about the 'physician lifestyle' that I think they'd be amazed if they actually met any of us! I'm 99% sure that 99% of us live very similar lives- maybe different social networks, maybe different political views- but I'm pretty sure that we all live in nice houses (that need work) and drive cars that need work and wear clothes that aren't stright off the pages of Vogue or Elle, love our families and usually like our jobs (whatever that job may be).

I don't belong to a country club or the Junior League (although I do have a junior league baseball hat from my SIL who IS in the jr. league) I workout at the Y, I don't have a personal trainer. I had a maid once this year and would have married her if I weren't already taken! And if you do belong to a Country Club- great, or you do have a personal trainer- send us some tips! Different strokes, after all. But I'm sure that across the board (literally in this case) we're all probably pretty much 'average'.

But I do have to tell you guys that I did get a new car- its a Saturn and they gave me 105% of the value of my old Saturn plus 0.05 financing for 60 months.

Some more thoughts...

Jenn

I can sure relate to that story, Jenn. When I was doing my Masters, the nurse practitioner and secretary of the department were openly disparaging of me...making comments like "why don't you just stay home and spend your husband's money?". When I stated that my financial aid was paying our rent every month they told us to simply downsize to one car. When I explained that we only had one car, the told me to stop buying expensive clothes, etc. So...we went through the whole..I haven't had new clothes in two years and my children's clothes come from the second hand store garbage...and they ALWAYS had a response. Interestingly, the nurse practitioner had always worked, even while her children were babies...but it wasn't ok for me for that last year at all.....I don't understand where some people get their balls!

Kris