Boyfriend Starting Med School

Hey all! I'm new to this board and am so thankful that there is a place where I can talk to others in the same (or similar) state I'm in.

My boyfriend is currently in the med school application process. I am also in the process of applications to finish my BA. My major is very specialized and chances are we won't be living in the same city for at least two years.

Our education/careers are very important to us. I plan on getting a PhD and teaching, meaning I could get placed in a variety of different places. Does anyone have similar stories of both partners having careers that could take them ANYWHERE?

I guess I'm just looking for comforting stories and even horror stories so that I know what to expect from a long distance relationship with a med student.

Note: I want to be as supportive as possible and though I won't be able to prepare any meals for him, I want to let him know that I still care about his happiness and needs while going through school.

Thanks!

[Michele]

Does anyone have similar stories of both partners having careers that could take them ANYWHERE?

I'm a veterinarian and I want to pursue a residency...but it would have meant a long distance relationship and I ultimately decided I valued my relationship more than my career...not exactly what you were looking for...but thats our story...I may pursue it after he's done, but now that we have Daegan I
may skip it so we can move closer to family.

[Flynn]

Hello!!!! Glad you found us. This is a fantastic site -- with amazing people. Read the boards here and ask questions! We've discussed just about everything there is to discuss...then a new spin will present itself and we're off on a topic with a different twist!

You and your BF both sound very driven and career oriented. Keep in mind with a medical career it's usually the non-doc partner who has to compromise to keep the relationship working.

I'm sure there are exceptions to that statement -- but people in medicine very rarely can compromise their paths -- once one is chosen. The system is very unforgiving.

A large number of spouses and significant others on this site are very accomplished and brilliant in their own right, but have had to limit their success due to moving around, and other challenges in a medical relationship. Add kids to the mix and it becomes even more challenging.

A medical relationship can work. I'm not all gloom and doom here. How much you are willing to sacrifice might be the key to your relationship. It's a hard pill to swallow -- but worth it IF the doc is the person you are supposed to be with.

Also, it's sweet that you want to be supportive of your med school BF. Keep in mind that support goes both ways. What you are working to achieve deserves just as much support as your BF's chosen path. He hasn't chosen something "harder" than you, just different and medicine IS A CHOICE.

Nice to have you here.

Welcome! Glad you found us.

You and your BF both sound very driven and career oriented. Keep in mind with a medical career it's usually the non-doc partner who has to compromise to keep the relationship working.

For the most part, I agree. I think one way of addressing this is trying to stay in large cities that have multiple universities -- more options for both of you. That isn't a perfect solution but could be something to keep in mind.

Thanks so much for all of your responses.


I don't want him to make any sacrifices for me, although he's willing up to a point. If the best school for him is in Boston, I don't want to be the reason he doesn't go. I know I'll have (and am willing) to make some sacrifices. It would be easier for me since, like some of you mentioned, I'm not the med student but I don't want to completely change the course of my career. I'm applying to some schools that don't have my major, a "just in case" option.

I'm not worried the long distance thing won't work but I'd definitely prefer it to not happen.

I agree, going to a town with lots of colleges will be key. I intend to start going back to school in 2 or 3 years. The towns we are serious about going to are large towns, but I'm gonna actually pan down the colleges with the specialty I want, because I would hate to move to a town I may not be able to get my education done in.

Where it's differant for you than for other's past med school is you will most likely have to move for med school, then move to another town for residency. I'd REALLY think about how happy you would be if the only option for your SO would me you had no option, or had to change what you actually wanted. Because in that will lie the strength of your relationship. You don't want to end up resenting him. Better to decide now But it could end up in a story book way anyway

[Vishenka69]

If the best school for him is in Boston, I don't want to be the reason he doesn't go.

I don't really agree with this. Med school will be the only time when the decision is up to him and it should also include you (if you're serious about staying together). There'll be plenty of time when the match will make that decision for both of you. And/or when the fellowship/position of choice is only available in a few limited locations. Medical schools in NY, Chicago and other large cities are just as good as the ones in Boston.

One of the main reasons why I was able to keep my sanity during med school and residency and not completely turn into a bitter troll is because I was able to insist on location both times. Being miserable in a certain location will ultimately affect your relationship.

[alison]

Hi!
Dh is the MD, and I'll be the PhD in German literature.
Scandinavian literature is very specialized, but there are some great graduate schools (the University of Washington has one of the few PhD programs in that field in the US), as does Minnesota (can't remember which school). Good luck to you!

If I decide to go into academia, then I think dh is the one who's going to have to "follow" me to my job.

Julie - I wouldn't be thrilled if I did not have any options. (By not thrilled I mean that I would be most upset.) He also doesn't want me giving up my plans because it would mean my unhappiness. You're right in that I don't want to resent him! MY BA is very important to me and at this moment I'd be willing to take some time off between receiving the BA and getting my MA. This still means two years of a possible long term relationship!

Vishenka - I've talked to my BF and he has told me that there is no way that I WON'T be influencing his decision on which school he goes to... but.. the sad truth for the both of us is we might only get into one or two schools each.

So my Boston example meant this: If I only get into UCLA say, and he gets into only two schools, Boston and UC San Francisco, and Boston is the better school for him - I don't want him to choose UCSF because it is closer to me.

Alison - I won't be applying to Minnesota (and I'm on the fence about Wisconsin) because even though they have a great department, I know I won't be happy there AND it is very far away from any of his prospects. SO! I am also looking into German departments! I could always get more in depth with the Scandinavian lit in grad school. How are you liking the work?

I am not so worried about the long distance relationship because people do make it work. In fact, will it be good for him if I'm not around all the time? Will it be less of a distraction? or would he prefer me around so I can make him coffee or pour a bucket of cold water on his head?

So my Boston example meant this: If I only get into UCLA say, and he gets into only two schools, Boston and UC San Francisco, and Boston is the better school for him - I don't want him to choose UCSF because it is closer to me.

My thought on this is: the school isn't everything. Unless you're talking the really, really, really big names or a moderate vs. a "is that a real place?", just remember that everyone takes the same boards in the end, and everyone is called "Doctor". According to DH, the name of a Top 20 school will help in and of itself for residency - but nothing is ever certain.

Medical school in and of itself will stress your relationship, as will your program. Try to be as kind to yourselves as possible when making that decision.

[Stella]

Kimothy,
My SO is an M1 and we live 5 blocks from each other. We haven't seen each other since Saturday morning. I honestly don't know how it would work if we were long distance and we've even talked about that before. We've been together for a couple years and I know this is the man I want to marry, but if I wasn't so committed, I'd probably run away if he mentioned LDR.

How long have you been dating? Are you really prepared to not see your SO for months at a time? Do you trust him and are you trustworthy? Do you know that he is the one? Are you willing to make sacrifices for him and are you willing to come second to medicine?

I'm not trying to be a buzzkill or say it won't work out, but med school is a lot different from undergrad or grad school and it takes a lot of getting used to. We are just now getting a really good groove going and it's halfway through the year. If you guys are strong, have trust in each other, and you are willing to put up with the struggles, then it can definitely work - there are numerous engaged ladies here doing long distance!! Best of luck!

Agree with what Jenn P. said for the most part. Also, maybe I'm presuming too much but even if prestige mattered a lot, UCSF has an awesome reputation. If your boyfriend is comparing UCSF and BU then I'm not understanding why BU would clearly trump UCSF (if prestige is the primary consideration).

Also, if your beau is a California resident isn't UCSF going to be a lot cheaper than BU?

Even if prestige is very important - I would say at least let debt load be the tiebreaker between two schools that you consider equals in terms of prestige.

Sometimes with the ease of loans, the money seems like monopoly money but payback can be a bitch.

Okay, my post clearly falls in the unsolicited advice category. But I was powerless. I had to :chat: .

BU and UCSF were just examples and I wasn't comparing reputations. And I'm talking best school "for him" with cost, the school's focus (Georgetown requires service in the community while in school), location, etc. in mind. UCs have always his first choice.

Stellava- I've thought about all of these things and I'm willing to make it work. We are both very trustworthy. I know I'll come in second to school/work for a while (a long while) but I'm okay with that because I know how important this is for him. We're both very commited people, about our relationship and school.

Plus guys, I'm being sort of pessimistic. We still don't know where we'll end up or even if we'll have to do long distance.

I had a long-distance relationship with my DH when he was a med student! It can be done. We actually started out long-distance right from the start (when we met we were both in different states). It was totally fine. We did the long-distance thing for 2.5 years. As long as you talk on the phone as much as possible, email, and see each other on school breaks and as many weekends as possible, it will work great.

I am married to a non-surgeon doctor and I don't agree that usually the non-medical person has to be the one to accomodate the doctor (surgery may be different, I just don't know). My husband and I have both taken serious hits to our careers for each other - - - but I did not give up what my goals to accomodate him. I can also say that the many FEMALE doctors that I am friends with don't describe their husbands as accomodating their wives' careers to the point that the husbands' professional and personal goals receive serious short-shrift (male spouses can chime in here but in my observations most, though not all, husbands set firmer limits on the disruption they will endure). The sentiment that the doctor comes first I think has significant gender bias to it - - what it most often means is that the male doctor comes first.

Anyway, there are unique challenges when you partner two people who are driven and motivated and have to compromise - - we have certainly had stress, compromises, a long-distance period, challenges to starting a family, etc. However, what we don't have is: massive resentment or one of us bored and unhappy. We both have interesting work and it adds to our relationship - - we love to hear what each other is doing, we are both excited about our work, we very frequently help each other with projects.