Preparing to Run Parents' Household - Just in Case

I had great holiday visits to ILs and my own parents.

But, I realized when visiting my parents how crucial it is for me in this New Year to be able to take control of my parents' finances if necessary.

In short, both my parents are getting on in age and I'm an only child. Both have had health issues in the last couple of years.

Especially scary to me is the thought of my father passing before my mother. He is in complete control of finances and she would be absolutely lost.

He keeps his records his own way, is quite furtive about the finances at times and announced to me over Christmas that he had "started a business".

My initial goals are to know where the money is, their monthly expenses, and have a "key" to find important info. on their assets, debts, etc. should something happen to him first.

I don't want to overcomplicate things in the New Year but want to visit at least twice to get the essentials.

Any tips on books to read or advice from your own experiences? I have some ideas about what is most important but would like to have feedback -- in case I'm missing something important, getting lost in extraneous details or god forbid both.

Thanks in advance.

Re: Preparing to Run Parents' Household - Just in Case

Run the other way. Just kidding.

Based on what happened with my ILs, here are a few things off the top of my head. Know their social security number or where to find it, where they keep bills to pay and paid bills (in case it isn't monthly, etc so you know the account numbers), health insurance information including a secondary policy (Medigap), banking info and accounts, retirement or pension accounts and a former employer contact if this applies, where are their wills kept, their attorney if they have one, their accountant if they have one, advanced directives or living will sort of papers, power of attorney (presumably this is you), medical POA (I think this was different than some of the advanced directives papers), life insurance company and policy number, any other insurance (disability, long term care) info.

That is just my run through remembering papers we were looking for and things we have filed. I know we have their birth certificates but I don't know if we have used those. Those aren't in order of importance, just what came to mind. I think the things we needed most in a pinch that would have been hard to get otherwise was the medical POA. That is really important (IMO). I sort of get all those terms mixed up. Here is something that defines it:
http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen ... e/003.html

[Vanquisher]

Re: Preparing to Run Parents' Household - Just in Case

Nellie has some great advice for you, but I will second getting a power of attorney. I think that's essential. Also, make sure that your parents add you as an authorized user or whatever they need to do to their accounts so that you can speak with the banks and other account people on the phone.

Sorry if this is incoherent. I am fuzzy on percocet, and I am having a hard time finding the words I am looking for.

Re: Preparing to Run Parents' Household - Just in Case

Great point, Heidi. If your parents are ok with that, it could really make things easier if you are an authorized to know about their account. We have usually had to fax POAs or a court document. Or in a pinch I have impersonated my MIL.

[Meenah]

Re: Preparing to Run Parents' Household - Just in Case

Definitely get power of attorney. Also, find out who is their accountant, lawyer, and financial planner. Also, who is the executor of their estate? Most importantly, who is the BOZO who helped him start a new company?

Re: Preparing to Run Parents' Household - Just in Case

Most importantly, who is the BOZO who helped him start a new company?

He took a course on the internet about real estate...need I go further?

I have to tread carefully and get information first before really laying any sort of law down (if I ever can). Again, he's furtive and a dreamer. Both my mom and I are scared about what he's up to with his "company".

Sadly, I hope she doesn't have too much confidence in what I can accomplish in that regard (e.g. the business).

He also wants to retire soon. In January, he will be 65.

If I held the reins, knowing what little I know about their finances, I'd have him work until 67 (at least part time) and stay away from whatever that business is with a 400 foot pole.

But, I have to be systematic about how I approach this for fear that he'll hide even more from me.

To give you an idea, of how he (and both of them at times operate), they literally sold their house and moved across town before telling me that they had done so by calling and giving me their new phone number about four days after their move. Yes, I'm their only child. And that happened within the last five years. :huh:

[medpedspouse]

Re: Preparing to Run Parents' Household - Just in Case

To give you an idea, of how he (and both of them at times operate), they literally sold their house and moved across town before telling me that they had done so by calling and giving me their new phone number about four days after their move. Yes, I'm their only child. And that happened within the last five years. :huh:

Ooooh- that bad huh?

How about starting with your mom? Do you think you can reason with her to convince her to take a more active role in their finances? And offer to help? :huh: Sounds like she is a "smart cookie" to be afraid of the "new business"

Re: Preparing to Run Parents' Household - Just in Case

How about starting with your mom? Do you think you can reason with her to convince her to take a more active role in their finances?

Well, I'm doing this for her, my dad and myself. For her, think classic textbook "learned helplessness". For instance, when my dad had a cardiac hospitalization, I realized she didn't even know how to use an ATM machine.

So, given where she's starting from and how he's organized the finances, she can't be the place to begin the conversation.

Essentially, I want her (and myself) to take comfort in the fact that were something to happen suddenly to my dad, I'd have a financial "roadmap". But, yes, I'd have to be the "driver" even with that roadmap.

I'd like her to understand more long-term of course, but as a place to begin it'd be terribly unproductive. It probably would only elevate her own stress.

I'm praying that I'll be pleasantly suprised with some things I'll uncover. Despite the limited glimpse I've given of him, he has been salting away for retirment and working with an advisor for years. He continues to work and he has all of his faculties. His achilles heal (may be unless he's right about the business) is the dreaming side of him. When I saw him over the holidays, it was a little akin to watching a gambler. I don't question his intelligence, just his judgement.

Ironically, both my mom and I (and DW) love to see him more engaged with finances and engaged in general. That makes our own feelings more confusing as he's normally more detached and somewhat depressed.

[medpedspouse]

Re: Preparing to Run Parents' Household - Just in Case

So he does have a financial advisor. I think that is huuuuge. They are always planning for the future - perhaps the advisor can become an ally in preparing for said future. If your dad does not want you in his "bidness" the advisor can at least assure that a road map will be prepared.

I can only speak from experience - I do not have any books to offer, etc. When we went through this with my grandparents, it was horrible because (as you fear) we did not know passwords/account numbers/insurance policies/nothing, nada, zilch. Their accountant helped us out as much as he knew. If his financial advisor is anything like ours, he knows everything having to do with $$. I take care of all the fiances. DH has never been too interested (he says is lack of time) and I have voiced my concern several times regarding his ability to take over if something were to happen to me. I take some comfort in knowing that our advisor will at least make sure DH will be "in the know" if I can't.

I just think you need an ally to get you through this. From your posts, your parents seem very private about their finances. Private enough not to share their intentions with you. This is why I think their advisor, an attorney (someone that can be objective) may help. Otherwise, what will be the catalyst to change your parent's behavior?

Re: Preparing to Run Parents' Household - Just in Case

So he does have a financial advisor. I think that is huuuuge.

Perhaps "advisor" is a misnomer. The bulk of his retirement portfolio is handled by an investments guy whom dad thinks he can do better than (in terms of trades, etc.). I saw the Christmas card from the "advisor" and asked dad how often they meet. His response has me thinking that they meet once a year at most. And I'm not sure that they plan so much as the guy tells him how his portion of the portfolio has done.

My dad opened a trading account online and has a few select stocks he trades himself. He took a chunk out of the retirement portfolio to start the "business". He has a home equity loan which he says he "regrets", car payments, some credit card debt, etc. I don't know any of the numbers associated with any of the assets or debts and certainly don't know any passwords, account numbers, etc.

Things like the "business" and the trading account don't have my mother's name on them.

The will hasn't been updated since 1985. I was in junior high then - which now explains all the awkward questions that year about who I'd wanted to live with if something happened to them.

The accountant (I believe) is just someone who does their taxes.

Yeah, I handle all the money in our household and all of this reminds me of things I need to share and explain for us as well.

[Sheherezade]

Re: Preparing to Run Parents' Household - Just in Case

It sounds like you are headed for some awkward conversations with Dad. I have no advice, but I can sympathize. We have a similar situation with my husband's parents. My parents are not secretive, but are completely adverse to the idea that they may one day get old or die. If they feel that way at seventy.....I don't see it changing anytime soon. Even though they all have children approaching 40, they seem to think we are just kids and they are middle aged. :huh: I'm not looking forward to bursting that bubble.

I'll be watching this thread to see how it goes for you!

Re: Preparing to Run Parents' Household - Just in Case

I think an accountant, even if they just do taxes, can still be a resource. If you need previous years returns, they will have copies and also have supporting documents that might point you in the direction of bank or investment accounts.

Reading what you posted, I think I would try to start gently encouraging them to update things like the will. I think that and POA and medical POA would be at the top of my list.

Good luck out there! I think it can be hard for parents to discuss this. Even though it makes sense to do so in light of health scares, having the reality of acknowledging they might need help sooner than they expected is difficult. One silver lining of all the crappola with my ILs is that my parents have seen how important it is to have their financial houses in order. Both because I want them to be around for a while and I'm not ready to do this again for a long time.