Paying off whose loans?

[gem]

If you guys haven't been married long, I can totally see your perspective. .

Ha, we've been married almost a decade, but we're still really bad at it.

[gem]

Would he pay your loans without hesitation if the tables were turned?

I think that's a really good question. I've been mulling it over, and I'm pretty sure he would, but I think I'd feel weird about that too.

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

In the big picture, it's a small price to pay for a rather large show of confidence in your relationship.

That's sort of beautiful

[metroguy]

i see where you are coming.. i paid for dw's med tuition + living expenses for 3 yrs (first yr, her parents paid).. i had no issues with that--even before we got married.. now we been marry for 8 yrs + kids.. i got some issues. it's mostly related to personality changes in her and maybe me.. i been thinking of consolidating 401k's/ira's but have hold back because if i mix marriage money, the divorce pot becomes bigger. every time we get into a fight, i think --oh good, i didn't consolidate.. i suggest student loan consolidation + 0 interest cc debt.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I have no loans. We are paying off DH's loans. If we got divorced, I'd have gotten completely screwed. I worked, raised our kids, and paid off his loans. But I can't prepare for a divorce in how I deal with things today - I'm not naive, I know it could happen but I feel like that's just driving a wedge in your marriage today.

[alotofyarn]

I have no loans. We are paying off DH's loans. If we got divorced, I'd have gotten completely screwed. I worked, raised our kids, and paid off his loans. But I can't prepare for a divorce in how I deal with things today - I'm not naive, I know it could happen but I feel like that's just driving a wedge in your marriage today.

This is where we are too.

[SoonerTexan]

I guess it's nice to only have debt we accrued while married. It's in his name but it feels like my responsibility too. Conversely, it's not like either of us had anything when we started either

[gem]

I have no loans. We are paying off DH's loans. If we got divorced, I'd have gotten completely screwed. I worked, raised our kids, and paid off his loans. But I can't prepare for a divorce in how I deal with things today - I'm not naive, I know it could happen but I feel like that's just driving a wedge in your marriage today.

I think this is how I have to look at it. If our marriage crumbles I've got bigger losses than a few tens of thousands of dollars. Trying to protect myself in this regard is driving a wedge in how I think. I can't use every fight as a litmus test for whether or not I make the next payment. Not a good frame of mind.

[MAPPLEBUM]

I think this is how I have to look at it. If our marriage crumbles I've got bigger losses than a few tens of thousands of dollars. Trying to protect myself in this regard is driving a wedge in how I think. I can't use every fight as a litmus test for whether or not I make the next payment. Not a good frame of mind.

Has this become a big topic of conversation with you two or are you keeping it to yourself? It seems like in most relationships one person is more responsible than the other, is that you or your husband? I totally relate to what you're saying, if I were in your shoes and decided to take a more cautious route by not focusing all attention on his debt I would come up with a really strong argument based on something other than my fear. the Boglehead book talks a lot about being balanced, in saving for retirement and paying off debt. I'd be firm that I strongly believed that's the right approach (and then save money in my name) and not even mention the underlying fears. It's probably a little dishonest but I don't see how having that conversation ("What if we get divorced and I've paid off all your shit??") could ever end well.

[gem]

Has this become a big topic of conversation with you two or are you keeping it to yourself? It seems like in most relationships one person is more responsible than the other, is that you or your husband? I totally relate to what you're saying, if I were in your shoes and decided to take a more cautious route by not focusing all attention on his debt I would come up with a really strong argument based on something other than my fear. the Boglehead book talks a lot about being balanced, in saving for retirement and paying off debt. I'd be firm that I strongly believed that's the right approach (and then save money in my name) and not even mention the underlying fears. It's probably a little dishonest but I don't see how having that conversation ("What if we get divorced and I've paid off all your shit??") could ever end well.

Not a huge topic of conversation, but it's out there. I responded to his every inquiry about starting the loan pay off process with "let me think about it...." He knows what I'm thinking. We are both equally involved in financial planning, and typically make these decisions together. We are already maxing out retirement plans in both of our names and have a healthy rainy day fund, so there is not really anywhere else "prudent" to apply the funds. I could argue that we should do something kind of frivolous--like big vacations, house remodel, other things we'd enjoy now-- since we both work so darn hard, and we try to walk the line between being super responsible and enjoying the fruits of our labor now. But the loans are really nagging at him, and he's not going to be comfortable with any imprudent expenditure until they're gone.