Do you have separate bank accounts?

[Vanquisher]

So what is the cutoff amount where you have to ask your partner about whether to buy it....$100? I guess what I don't want to end up happening is if I'm out shopping, see something cute for over $100 and have to check with DH if I can get it....how do you avoid this problem?

As far as cutoff on how much money we can spend before we talk about things, there really isn't a set amount. I know that if I spent $100 without consulting my husband that would be stupid because I can't afford to spend $100 unless it is on a need like groceries or bills (I pay them). We just communicate about money so we are on the same page. Neither of us really asks for permission to buy anything. Money is so tight that we just don't buy things separately unless it is a need or is really inexpesive. Even then, Chad will ask me which credit card to put something on.

I imagine when money isn't as tight our worries about spending will relax, but it depends on our situation, and communication is key. How we each spend our money has never been something we have fought about. Not having enough money and that sucking has been a source of stress, but we don't fight about it.

I guess one of my issues is...is that I feel weird about having a joint account at this stage of our lives since I am not contributing much (or anything) to the account while he brings in all the income (since I quit my last job a few weeks ago).

I guess I feel this is unfair (to him)....what am I doing to contribute....all through residency we both had jobs paying roughly equal, and I tolerated mine even though they sucked just so I could help out with our finances and help us have the lifestyle that we wanted and I felt really good about that. I felt like I was helping contribute to the household in a meaningful way even though I disliked those jobs.

As far as contributing to the household and not feeling adequate to spend "his" money. Sorry, can't help you there. I feel completely justified spending any of "his" money, and I never ask. :>

Like Alison said, it is more of a "heads up." "Hey, I need to buy this..."

And even if he is the one doing all the earning now, all he knows is the bills are paid! Really, I could be siphoning it all to off-shore accounts or buying every knicknack on the Home Shopping Network and he wouldn't have a clue.

Plus, like Nellie mentioned, my dh has NO idea what is going on in our accounts. If it wasn't for me, there would be no water or electricity or food. He just has no idea what is going on with money.

[spotty_dog]

I guess one of my issues is...is that I feel weird about having a joint account at this stage of our lives since I am not contributing much (or anything) to the account while he brings in all the income (since I quit my last job a few weeks ago).

This is one of the "hiccups" in the system. I too am currently feeling like all our money woes are piled on my head because I'm unemployed, and even though he thinks it's a funny joke, it makes me unhappy when he cracks a comment about "You're spending money AGAIN? Remind me, do you have a job?"

But there's give and take in any relationship. For four years in medical school I had a steady income that paid the rent and bills while his various resources, loans, etc. paid for some necessary and some unnecessary goodies. Whether I'm job searching and trying to put together a cottage industry, or doing data entry for $10/hr, or going to school, or raising our child, I'm doing what I can with our joint future and happiness in mind and neither of us can expect anything more.

As far as feeling that your contribution is worthless, we are touching again on your personal issues that we CANNOT help you with long distance.

[DCJenn]

We have one joint account that he has pretty much no access to. I don't give a good rats ass whether he's bringing in the money or not. I manage this household and did so when I worked full time. He is told from week to week what he can and cannot spend and why.

It's taken some time but it works. His credit sucked when we got married, he had outstanding parking tickets all over the country, he was clueless as to where his money went and he had no retirement. Now, he's maxed in the retirement plan, we've paid down most of the consumer debt, his credit is excellent and the bills are all paid on time. So, one checking account, two savings accounts. (and all of the investment accounts have me as the primary since he's clueless about them as well. In fact, I'm not sure he even knows they exist.)

Jenn

Just to clarify, I am not in fact siphoning money to off-shore accounts. I do try to tell DH where stuff is in case he ever needed to find it in an emergency and talk about any major decisions. It's just not his thing as much as mine.

I was thinking more about this and how we got to the point of being on the same page and have money be less of a hot issue. When we first married, we had considered a joint acct with individual accts for "allowance" but realized that money was too tight for that. We probably would have moved money from our individual accounts most of the time and then that would just be an extra thing to do and two extra accts to manage.

What worked really well for us was an envelope system. It reduced fights and credit card use (which also reduced fights). At the beginning of every month, we would get cash and divvy it up between envelopes -- joint spending/going out, his, mine, pets. (We had a pet spending problem ). I think I had more in my envelope than his because my haircuts and drycleaning cost more. You could add whatever you want -- groceries, kid activities, etc. It was great because we could spend it however we wanted and if it was gone before the end of the month, tough luck, it was gone. At some point, we got lazy about splitting up the cash and just kept it in the same envelope and that has worked well.

[Meenah]

Joint here too. One potential problem with separate accounts is if something happens to him and your name is not on the account you cannot get to the money. Marriage is a partnership IMO.

[migirl]

I could be siphoning it all to off-shore accounts

I tease DH about this all the time.

Me: "How do you know I'm not squirreling money away into secret accounts?"
DH: "I dunno, I guess I don't."

[Vanquisher]

I just thought of this in another way. Let's say you got this enormous windfall of money. You won the lottery or great aunt Ida left you her enormous fortune. Would you share it with your husband? Would you consider it his money as much as your own? In my case, the answer is yes. In marriage it is a partnership, and there is give and take. At various points in the relationship one partner may be able to contribute more financially to the relationship, and at other times one partner would need to take up the slack in a different way.

For example, if your husband became disabled and unable to work which left you as the sole breadwinner, would you give him an allowance of your money, or would you share it equally? Would you just allow him to spend money from his disability pension, or would you cover whatever he needed?

For me, my money is his, and his is mine. We don't break it up. I expect my marriage to last for the rest of my life and a lot can happen in that time. I don't need to spend that time keeping track.

I personally only know of one couple who keep separate accounts. They do it because he has an ex-wife, and they don't want her going after his new wife's assets. I understand that. However, in a lot of cirumstances, I just don't think separating things in a marriage into yours and mine works very well. It makes things disjointed or lopsided. There are enough other stressors in life to worry about. Money can be a huge source of stress.

After all, look at what you have given up for his career. How could you expect them to be equal? When one person's career is the focus of the household, it is impossible to hold the other person to that same standard when you have to move every 4 years or be in a city which is less than fabulous with opportunities for your career, when you have other responsibilities that you take care of so that your spouse can devote so much energy to their career.

Look, I have been reading your posts, and it seems to me that you have some self-esteem issues that go beyond career and money counseling. I would really look into getting a good psychologist/psychiatrist to talk to. There is no shame in it, and a lot of us have needed it in the past or need it now.

I have no problem standing up in my marriage and taking the money from my husband that I didn't "earn." I have really earned it. Am I satisfied with my medical transcription job? No! Do I have it all together? Absolutely not!! But, I don't care! I don't expect to have it all together. I'm married to a resident. That's enough to throw your life into turmoil, and I don't sit here pondering the direction of my life over and over again. I do what I need to do to get through with a little breakdown now and again. For the most part, I am happy with my life, even with all the stress of it.

You do seem depressed, veggiefriend, and I really think you should get some professional help (NOT career help - YOU help).

[Malpka]

We have a joint account, and DH never knows if we have 1 dollar or 1 million. He is happy to let me manage everything, for him it is one less thing to think about. We have the "our money" mindframe, and have had joint accounts since we were engaged.

[PrincessFiona]

Well, Nellie,

I do have a "secret account"...but...DH puts $25 into it direct deposit every paycheck so it isn't really very secret. He always asks me why I want it ... and I don't know. I guess I just want to feel that I have something squirreled away.

The truth is, if I ever touched the money it would be to buy something for dh or the kids.

veggiefriend,

I do understand where you are coming from about the division of assets when you aren't earning an income. Just because you don't have children doesn't mean you aren't contributing to the household. When you got married, you knew that dh would likely earn more than you and he knows that too. I would suggest a sit-down discussion about how you feel.

My dh is currently paying off my whopping student loans and I do go through phases of feeling badly about it. Even when I did work teaching bio labs my income was a paltry joke...I earned in a month what he did basically in 2-4 consults. So...my money got to be "play money". That's how I bought all of my creative memories stuff.

It's a partnership though, like Heidi said....


Now...on to the topic of hitting it big in the lottery...

Heidi, do I have to share???? :>

kris

[mommax3]

We've always had a joint account, and many times we barely had enough money to keep it open! No way could we have kept enough in the bank for two accounts!

Like everyone else has said, marriage is a partnership, and for us, that definitely includes $$$$. I think this all would have been harder for us if we had ever been a two-career couple, but we weren't. I supported us for the first five years, loans supported us for two years, and he has supported us for the last nine. The part-time jobs I have had have never paid anything but "fun money".

We have a $200 rule regarding the amount we would give each other a heads up about. Groceries or a Target run can easily exceed $100, but it is very rare that either of us spends that kind of money anywhere else.

We used to use envelopes too, like Nellie described, but that kind of went by the wayside.....it worked well, though.

Sally

Sure, Kris. Can I have your forwarding address in the caribbean?

[spotty_dog]

"By the way, I'm in the market for a new wheelset" .

I am afraid my heart would stop beating if DH said that! I know what he spent the last time! I would die!!!!!!!!!!

At least it's not as bad as "I'm in the market for a new bike"! (Which he currently is! Fortunately mountain bikes are much less expensive than road bikes, it seems.)

[Stella]

Yes, they are! My SO just bought a road bike for $1100!!

[spotty_dog]

Yes, they are! My SO just bought a road bike for $1100!!

Sweet, what'd he get?

Last time DH was in the market for a racing bike he bought a Six13 complete, decided he didn't like the carbon ride, swapped the frame for a CAAD8 aluminum one, then re-sold the Six13 frame -- patting himself on the back wildly for getting such a great deal, his complete bike cost less than a DuraAce 10 speed group would retail, but that's still an $1800 set of *components*.

[Vishenka69]

We also have all joint accounts, but I oversee/manage all of them so he doesn't have any idea what goes on financially in our house (which is fine with me). It's to the point where he actually has to come and ask me for money when he needs it...

That's exactly what we have. Although we didn't combine our accounts until we got married. At that point we stopped splitting the rent in half and worrying about who puts in how much.

I just had a conversation about this with my mom's cousin, who's a surgeon in WI. He said it's easier to live in a state that has caps on malpractice pay out than figure out how to put everything in your wife's name.