The state of marriage and medicine...

Well, I am not sure where to put this, so I'll just let it be a random ramble here.....



Thomas was at the IDSA this last week. For the last couple of months, he and I have been struggling with our own marital issues that most certainly have their roots in his fellowship...we have felt a sort of...terminal uniqueness...we are the ONLY ones struggling like this, etc, etc...almost a guilt and a sort of "we are losers" kind of a feeling.



The break was good for us both...but it was also an eye opener for us...He met up with many of our old pals from residency and fellowship, and called me the second night to talk...we were on the phone for a couple of hours....He was so shocked because some of the couples that we had looked to that seemed to have the "perfect" marriages were embroiled in issues of infidelity, total marital discord and unhappiness, and the physicians were almost unilaterally disgusted by their debt and the disappointement of lower salaries and high taxes after training.... Some of the stories that he heard are too awful for me to even post. Some things bothered me simply because I know some of the spouses and from them I hear "things are so great" or "we are earning 400,000$ (actually told to me by the spouse of a new grad who sent me regular snail mail pics of her home as it was being built) only to hear from their physician spouses that things aren't that great or that they are really earning $120,000...and it really freaked me out, I'll be honest. I don't understand why people would make up stories like that if they weren't true...



But good grief...what is going on within the medical profession right now? It seems like some serious change and help is needed. I know that marriages in other groups are also stressful...ie pilot's spouses, military spouses, etc etc...but there was always support for the family available on the military bases when I was growing up military, and the pilot's spouses (at least with American) have regular meetings with speakers who talk to pilots and their spouses and talk about unique issues and personality traits of pilots and how it affects their marriages and how to cope..Something like this is sorely needed in this field..In this profession it seems at least to me that there is a lot of sweeping of things under the carpets....



Well, I assume people will probably stear clear of answering this....but I had to put it out there anyway...It really disturbed me!



Kris

kris -

i'll respond. i'm pondering...it might take a few days to figure it out. my first response is to say that i think the reason that there are so many different versions of the state of their marriage is because of the whole issue of appearances. i might be jumping to conclusions (and this is why i'm going to think about it so please don't get mad yet) but i tend to think that women are more protective over their home life, marriage, family, etc - save it at all costs sort of thinking. they are also more concerned with how their marriage appears to others. denial might be another issue. i have found men are more willing to open up to other men about the flaws in their marriage - i mean they are the ones who rib one another about getting married in the first place...most of the time! i agree that it is not isolated to medical marriages. however, i do think the desire for appearances is greatly heightened in medical marriages. i do know that my parents are very unique and odd (in a great way) for being (a) still married and (b) actually in love and enjoying one another, coming from a medical relationship. not many of my father's colleagues can say the same, unfortunately. back to thinking....

Sounds to me like the "keeping up with the Joneses" syndrome. You see that quite a bit in certain "prestigious" areas of life. It kind of reminds me of Highland Park. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with Highland Park it is THE ritzy, I'm-better-than-you-are place to live in Dallas. The houses are mansions, the cars are all jags, beemers, even the occasional import sports car. And the LAWNS! UNBELIEVABLY manicured! Well, I found out an interesting little tidbit a few years ago. When I was a senior in high school I had a friend who worked for the company that does most of these lawns in Highland Park. He told me that most of these people can't seem to pay their lawn bills and that when they speak to the customers they are often told a tale of woe - these people often can't afford their mortgages, their auto payments, let alone their pool guys! It's all about maintaining appearances and "looking" the part that they think is expected of them. This sounds like the same phenomenon (particularly with the woman who lied about her husband's income). It's kind of sad, but it's a good indication of what people hold to be important if they are concentrating on appearances and meanwhile allowing the structural interior to crumble and become dilapidated.



Jennifer

I agree with the above statements. I just wanted to add that maybe it also has to do with self-esteem issues. I mean, we go thru this torture of medical school, residency and all the time people keep telling you how you will have it made and be rich, successful, etc. etc. I think when the reality hits ... you wonder what the heck you are doing. It has to be a HUGE blow to your self-esteem and some people will cover it up from others because it is the only way they can deal with it themselves. Of course, there are some people that feel like they need to be a step ahead of everyone else which also shows a lack of self-esteem. Is this making any sense? I don't know why I try to write these serious comments at 1 am!!! My first thought when I read your comments Kris was pity for your friend.



It does go to show you though that we can't compare ourselves to each other. Everyone has their own circumstances they have to deal with. I have a REAL problem with this because I see my friends my age, in big homes and nice cars and very stable appearing where we are still just beginning. I do get jealous and envious. I just handle it differently in that I am probably too open about it. I know I drive my husband crazy that way. I tell my mom practically everything going on when I probably should keep more things just in our family.



Anyway... I will stop rambling now. Kris, hope your friend didn't upset you too much. I feel sorry for her.



Robin