Just Friends

To those of you I don't know on here… Hello, and pardon the interruption. To those of you I do know... Hi!
I'm welcoming feedback from friends and strangers alike on this topic. I was a fairly active member on here a while back while dating a MD. After nearly 4 years, we split in August. I can say in no uncertain terms that I'm still healing. I recently met somebody new - who isn't a doc - and it's getting serious. I've been in e-mail contact with my ex, after running into him on the subway last month. We finally made plans both of us were able to stick to and caught up over beers last night. It was the best time I've had in a long time.
Here's my quandary... I don't want to get caught up in mixing signals or wondering what his intentions are, or him wondering about mine. I don't want to be faced with the decision of whether or not to take him back and abandon somebody who is certain about wanting to be with me.
So, to make a short story long... Can you be 'just friends' with an ex? What about one who’s a PGY-3, with a chief year remaining and plans to do Doctors withouth Borders before applying for Fellowship? I encourage you all to share stories of both success and failure.

[rainbabies]

hey! im glad you popped in. i dont have any advice for you, but im so happy that you found someone special!

much happiness!

[DCJenn]

You can be friends with an ex but it takes some finessing so that all parties are OK with it and the understand that should a significant other have a problem with it, you may have to cut the cord.

I was great friends with my Ex-husband but we both remarried (within a week of each other) I told him it was time to move on. Not because I didn't want to remain friends with him and Rick didn't care one way or the other but because I knew his new wife (who was much younger than me and went to my college) didn't get our relationship but (smartly) didn't want to put the kibosh on it. So, I did it for her.

Now, the question you need to ask yourself, in the cold light of day, is are you entertaining thoughts of staying friends with him because you want to someday maybe get back together? (which is fine, by the way) If that's the case then New boyfriend needs to be made aware that you have an ex that you very much care for but is unavailable for whatever reason. (New boyfriend has to be allowed to make his own decisions, too.)

Being a grown-up sucks sometimes.

Jenn

[alison]

I totally agree with what Jenn says.

I'm good friends with an ex, have made sure that his wife is ok with it, and that my dh is ok with it. We rarely see each other and live on opposite ends of the country (er, he's at one end and I'm in the middle). We chat on birthdays, and meet up in Seattle when we're both visiting our parents around holidays.

BTW, it took us awhile to get to this point. Being platonic friends can take time.

Hi Dayisme,

I think I remember you - triathalons, Philly, etc. If not, my apologies and .

Well, you asked for advice. I don't have any stories to tell (as I don't maintain contact with exes). However, it's been so long since I've had an ex that maybe I'm forgetting.

Couple of thoughts from things that just caught my eye in your post. You say you're still on the mend so I imagine your interaction with your ex was pretty confusing on many levels. You say "recently" in regards to the new beau and in the same breath "serious" - not that they're always contradictory but it caught my attention. You also said it was the best time you'd had in a long time (evening with the ex).

I don't know but I think if I were to put myself in the shoes of the new beau (which for whatever reason happened to be my first instinct), I think I'd want to know if our relationship was indeed getting serious that you considered your outing with the ex as the best time you've had in a while.

Also, it's curious that you mention the exe's schedule and impending (possibly) relocation as a barrier of sorts to how close you guys could be. It seems that this is pretty telling.

I'd say if you remain confused, be clear with your current interest what your intent is with the ex so he's (new beau) not blindsided in the future. Perhaps take a step back from that relationship. Counting on schedules and geography as a way to make sure inappropriate intimacy with the ex doesn't occur seems like a plan to fail.

[Stella]

Hi Dana.

Do you want to be "just friends" with your ex? Reeeeally?? :huh:

I know how reuniting with an ex can be exciting and while you want to be "just friends" you still have that little thought in the back of your mind saying, "What if..." If you feel that ache for him, it isn't a good idea to be friends with him while you are in another relationship. If you don't feel that, which I highly doubt, then it will be okay as long as you keep your current SO in the loop.

I don't want to be faced with the decision of whether or not to take him back and abandon somebody who is certain about wanting to be with me.

Why exactly did you and the MD break up? I can't remember. Can you see yourself getting back together or do you think you'd be happier staying with your SO?

Yes, it's me... triathlon Philly gal.
We didn't really have a reason for breaking up. Things just got too difficult.
So much would have to be very, very different for me to want anything more than a friendship with my ex ever again. We (well, more me than we) spent a good deal of the end of our relationship trying to change those things and it didn't work. There are what ifs in the back of my head, but I've spent the last several months not entertaining them.
Current SO knows the deal and is as understanding as can be expected. He's concerned that the what ifs will resurface and I'll start to wonder again. He also seems a lot more certain about a future for us than I do. I just don't think we're going at the same emotional pace and am beginning to wonder if I'll be able to catch up.
The one thing I keep coming back to is that my ex and I were each others' best friend for longer than we dated. I miss that most of all and not having that is what scares me most about not having him in my life anymore. He's my bud. We get one another, laugh easily together and always have a good time despite being virtual opposites on paper.
Hard to focus on 2 relationships at the same time...

[Stella]

Is the ex interested in getting back together? If so, have you discussed what would be necessary for that to take place?

:grouphug:

I don't think he wants to try again. It's been almost 7 months since we were together. I think he misses our friendship too. Possibly more than me - while he's friendly with his coworkers, after 4 years of med school and almost 3 of residency, he has no other friends here.

[SuzySunshine]

I think if just friends is all you both really want it can be done as long as everyone (including new SO) is in the loop.

I'm still friends with one of my ex's - he happens to be my DH's bestfriend. We both have pretty slow jobs so we e-mail back and forth regularly throughout the day. I talk to him more then DH does and then fill DH in.

It can be done.

The one thing I keep coming back to is that my ex and I were each others' best friend for longer than we dated. I miss that most of all and not having that is what scares me most about not having him in my life anymore. He's my bud.

That was dh and I when we were broken up. We we reconnected -- to just be friends -- well, I think the rest is obvious.

Yes. I think you CAN be friends w/an ex, but you both have to be emotionally ready TO just be friends. It doesn't (from my quick read of your update) sound to me like you are ready to JUST be friends. I can see you getting hurt again in the end.

Glad to know you're well though.