Do you experience this?

I hope I won't sound too whiney here , but I am wondering if others of you go through any of this. I feel many times that my opinions/convictions about my children, education or feelings on certain issues aren't as 'valued' as my husbands because he is a physician .....



It bothers me today because we were at the school for a meeting...and I realized that I've become pretty "scrappy" and "bold" when it comes to expressing my opinions about things. I feel like I have to fight to have my own feelings heard and I'm not sure that that is the best way to go about things either....but there is such an undying respect for my husband...do you need the phone, Dr. Math, what do YOU think, Dr. Math....and I start resenting it.....I perceive that I'm being treated as "just" the mom, or "just" a woman and I get all defensive and really put my opinion out there..and then later I feel like I have to apologize for it. The funny thing is that if Thomas were to express the same opinions in the same way (because often he does) they are considered significant..I just don't feel like I'm being taken seriously.



I have a friend with a PhD who says that she basically becomes invisible at medical functions....that she becomes "just" the wife......



Any thoughts?



kris


Time is a Dressmaker, Specializing in Alterations!

[DCJenn]

Ok-



This is no way assumes that pets are the same...BUT-



Do you all remember when Fat Bastard (my 17 pound kitty) was diagnosed with Diabetes? Our vet and Rick had a lovely discussion about the differences in sugar levels between cats and people and what the various therapies are and have they ever thought about using the edible insulin for animals and on and on and on...



Finally- I said, "OK, dumb it down you two, I'm the one who's going to be actually doing the injections, twice a day, ad nauseum...(until he somehow cured himself- a mystery that remains to be solved!)



Also, I don't think it's as much the Dr thing- but we live in "the historic district" which automatically doubles the price of all of the estimates we get. Some kitchen guy quoted me $28,000 (yes, that's 5 digits!) to hang new cabinets and USE MY OLD APPLIANCES. My realtor and I had a good laugh at that one! Then Rick gave me the cleaning for six months for X-mas- and one group of people quoted me $400. For one visit. For a 900 square foot house. and I didn't even ask them to do the office or the bedroom. So I definitely don't mention the Dr thing- I tell them he's in the Army. period.

I do know what you are talking about, Kristen. I tend to "use" that automatic respect of my husband, though! Generally, I tell him in certain situations to throw around the doctor title so I can get what I want or have something done much faster. For some reason people tend to jump faster and higher when he does use his title (not always). This worked in the hospital on a couple of occasions when I had this baby. I felt guilty about using it for just the briefest second. I guess I can do this because he usually will go along with what I want and we seem to agree on most things (or maybe I just nag him so much he does what I want to get me off his back ).



On the other hand, I am discovering that doctors, nurses, and others have started deferring to me. I'm starting to feel like a breast-feeding/mothering/superwoman expert. It's nice and makes me have a HUGE ego. It is soooo great, though to have the doctors my husband works with come to ME with questions on this stuff, though (the women and husbands with kids that is). Yeah, I'm enjoying it while I can, because once they realize how pitifully little I know it'll all be gone in a puff of smoke! I guess once you've had a certain number of kids and you don't seem to be going psycho people think you're an "expert".



Jennifer

Fat Bastard?



OK...I have completely forgotten what I was going to post! That is hysterical, Jenn!



Kris
Time is a Dressmaker, Specializing in Alterations!

[houseelf]

Jenn,



We have definitely fallen victim to the, "Oh-you're-a-doctor-discount" time and time again. (i.e. add 20% to the total price). I have stories from overpricing services for our wedding to the sale of our home. The truth is that many of these individuals make more money than we do.



We are going on vacation in April and I have told Sean in no uncertain terms that he is not allowed to reveal his profession so that we don't get price gauged yet again. For economic purposes, he is a student. period.



Kelly

[Phoebe]

We have our insurance agent trying to sell us an astronomical amount of life insurance based on my husband's potential salary and student loans. She made my income seem pretty meager leaving me to feel unimportant in the grand scheme of things. However, we aren't buying either situation.



We had a workman make fun of our house once he learned my husband's profession. "You're a doctor and live in a house like this?", he said. I still laugh people making comments that even though things are really difficult for us financially or we don't have much time together as a family, that my husband will make boat loads of money in the future. Is that some kind of consolation prize? I don't think people, even immediate family, understand that you don't become financially stable just because you become an attending.



I am not sure if this is off the subject or not.



Jennifer

[DCJenn]

Kris-



My ex-boyfriend and I were watching the Full Monty and there's a scene where the guys is trying to lose weight (his wife think's he's having an affair) and he's rigged some heater and has himself wrapped in plastic wrap and he's sitting in the outhouse building- his friend walks in and catches him eating a candy bar in this get up and he says, "well, it's not like there's anti-Fat Bastard creme, don't you know" and that's how Rascal's name was changed. We just looked at each other and started laughing. Especially if you knew the cat- he's so funny.



anyway, off the subject but there's the story.



Jenn

If its any consolation, it happens to male spouses too. I recall proposing a course of action at a church business meeting (that no one paid any attention to) and a few minutes later my wife made the very same suggestion. Someone promptly encouraged her to turn it into a formal written motion and then they fussed about how illegible her handwriting was ("She's a doctor you know!").



Then again, perhaps it wasn't such a good example -- they still voted it down.



-- Steve

Jenn, GREAT STORY about the cat!



Steve, It's interesting to know that it happens to the male spouses as well! Does that affect your self-esteem at all, or are you able to just brush it off? I find myself feeling pretty low when that happens. One of the doctors that started here when she did had a husband who was a PhD scientist. He wasn't able to really find the kind of position that he truly wanted and was working and taking care of their two boys....He got so frustrated that he simply found another job and left within a few weeks....I think that it must be particularly difficult for men because of societal expectations. Really, for the most part, as a woman I have kind of expected to take the career back seat. It is how I was raised....so as much as I hate it, complain about it, etc...perhaps it makes it less of a challenge to me?



Kris
Time is a Dressmaker, Specializing in Alterations!

[Amiens]

What family members only calling your spouse for medical advice? Pretty sad, when family only calls to get a diagnosis on a rash, instead of finding out how the we are doing.



Happens all the time here.



Crystal

Kris,



It isn't really fair to undervalue the opinions of any doctor's spouse, but societal expectations regarding men probably do make it a little harder for a man to accept. In either case, it seems to be quite important to maintain a clear individual identity and not let others turn you into the good doctor's shadow.



For men, much of their self-esteem comes from their jobs, not their relationships. For male spouses of physicians, that source of self-esteem is even more important. Interestingly enough, I generally enjoy medical dinners because some of the male doctors are just as interested in talking about technical gadgets or the volatility in the high-tech stock market.



At work, I generally do not let people in on the fact that my wife is a physician until after they have already gained some measure of respect for me. Being labeled a "kept man" or someone who "really doesn't need a job", isn't particularly helpful in pursuing career goals. However, someone who has already come to appreciate your skills and abilities, seems to regard their assessment as being re-affirmed by the fact that a female physician married you.



Well I think that's enough psycho-analysis for one night -- but it was nice to get it off my chest. Thanks for asking.



-- Steve

You know, Steve, you've really enlightened me on a subject that I had never thought about! What you say about societal expectations with male medical spouses makes so much sense. It must take a very special man to cope well with that "role reversal"! Anyway, you made some interesting points.



Jennifer

Crystal, we have certain friends and family members that we can count on to call us for free medical advice (one couple routinely requests over-the-phone diagnosing and prescriptions from Jon!!!!). These people usually call us under the pretense of wanting to catch up and then spend just a very little while chatting about the weather before they launch into their list of physical ailments. It never ceases to annoy me. I really don't mind him helping out friends and family, but there are some of these people who think that Jon is suddenly on call at all times for them and that he will do outrageous things like diagnose them over the phone. We haven't lost any friends to date, but they usually end up sorely disappointed when he tells them they need to see their family practitioner!



Jennifer

After reading about the price-gouging because of the MD behind the name I do have to add to my first post that I NEVER tell people that I'm having to pay my husband's profession unless it's going to get me a professional courtesy discount or something. When I was speaking to a real estate broker in the Boston area a while back she kept insisting that we could find a great property up there for starting around 300K. I kept telling her that based on our income and debt-load she was pretty much out of her mind. My mistake? I had told her WHY we were moving up there and all she heard was "doctor". Even after I explained in no uncertain terms what our income was she still insisted that we could actually buy a home in a place like Brookline (think waaaaay high end real estate)! Believe me, experiences like that have made me learn my lesson! Anyone else have some good, doctor=rich stories to share? That is the one thing that annoys the heck out of me more than any other aspect of my husband's career!



Jennifer

Well, I usually give people who say ridiculous things like, "Oh, someday you'll be rich!" a nice long speel on exactly how much money he actually does make, how much our debts are, etc.,etc. That usually solves the problem and leaves the person a tad more knowledgable about the medical profession (hopefully they see their own doctor in a new light). I used to get aggravated about spilling out all this information on our financial situation - after all it seems no one else has to do this. But, now I feel like I am educating people on the realities of medicine - that most doctors are not rich and will have great job security but not be rolling in the dough. As I said before, I do have my husband throw around the MD when it will benefit me because it does play on the ignorance of others. When I'm dealing with friends, family, and those that I will be making financial transactions with (that know of his career) I make it painfully clear what financial situation we are in and will be in for, say, the next decade!



Jennifer