Is it me?

[Phoebe]

I am trying to figure out if my current frame of mind is an individual thing or maybe if it is a common theme with people in transition (i.e. medical training). I have asked this here before, but it is bothering me again.



My state of mind is constantly looking ahead to the future. I wonder why am I not living more in the moment and enjoying this day in my life. I have everything I have always dreamed of a great husband, a beautiful child and a job I am happy about. If I am content with a happy home and family why do I feel like I am playing a waiting game?



Looking back to my childhood and years growing up, I don't remember having a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was waiting for something to happen. Sure, I had goals and looked forward to all the milestones of graduation, college etc, but it didn't feel like this, not feeling completely settled.



In my marriage, I let things slide on a day-to-day basis with idea that when we have time off we can talk about this or that or we'll have more quality time where we can connect with one another. The months with bad rotations are wiped out and I just try to muddle through them and look forward to a slower, more relaxing time. When that time comes, it isn't as special as I expect it to be. Is this a healthy thought process? Aren't I wasting precious time? I know my husband does it too. He lives for time off and then is usually let down because he gets sick or something comes up that deters him from enjoying it completely.



I know I can reframe my thought patterns to a more positive outlook, yet I don't know if I can get rid of this idea of not feeling settled. We have 15 more months of my husband's fellowship and more often I am thinking of the changes following his completion.



So I don't know are my feelings familar to others, maybe a result of our life status, or just me being an overanxious head case?



Jennifer

Jenn,



Honestly, I could have written this post myself, many times ...I also find that I am always looking ahead to the future. In many ways, Thomas and I's marriage has been the same way...we have looked to be 'happy' when the USMLE's were behind us, or internship year, residency, fellowship, etc, etc. And it is only lately where I have started to say to him that these are the years that we have GOT to find a way to enjoy...but we're both at a loss. We still find ourselves looking ahead to new things instead of feeling content in the present.



I have to say that when I was pregnant with Andrew, Thomas and I envisioned pushing a baby buggy off into the sunset...really, we were so unrealistic. I imagined a baby that somehow miraculously had a perfect little schedule, followed all of the milestones, went on to be president of his preschool class...well, you know the drill. We have felt woefully unprepared for the realities of marriage or parenthood sometimes....because we imagined that when we achieved certain dreams we would feel a sense of fulfillment or even confidence that never really has materialized.



I thought that I could be satisfied being a stay-at-home mom and I envisioned my days full of building LEGO towers, painting side-by-side with my children, having little get-togethers with my friends and discussing world politics...but what I forgot to realize is that I'm not 3 or 5 or 7 and Legos don't capture my attention for very long...painting is messy and without fail gets all over the floor, there are tons of dishes to do, laundry to wash, fights to break up....I overidealized what life would be like when I got to this point, even though I love my children dearly and always dreamed of having a big family.....I find myself longing for a career, for an out...looking to the future when Alex is old enough to go to school and I can be selfish again.....and part of me realizes that happiness or feelings of content can only come from within...that they can't be tied to external accomplishments or hitting certain milestones in one's life.



I also let things slide in our marriage. I simply made the excuses or residency, fellowship etc and thought that eventually we'd have a big talk and clear the air. The only danger there is that those little things eventually turn into behavioral patterns, and at least for me, all of those little hurts seem to have simply sat on that shelf waiting to be addressed. Now that training is over, we have been working hard to move through all of that and find a new common ground.



We've done so much moving though over the last few years, that now that we're done, we don't have anymore training milestones to guide our lives by...it is kind of weird and we both feel a sense of restlessness...a sort of "this is it?" feeling?



As to waiting for time off to have special time. Thomas and I spent our first night out in months arguing and disagreeing about most things...to top it off, we were interruped non-stop by his pager...and I felt so angry and cheated that the little time that we had together just isn't as special as I want it to be....that celebrating birthdays and anniversaries turns out to be stressful and at times not very joyful instead of the "hallmark moments" that I have envisioned....For me, at least, there is a feeling of loss associated with that...I'm a real 'hallmark moments" kind of gal, and hubby is just less so...



I guess what this long ramble of mine is saying is that I understand many of the things that you are saying and to a more or lesser degree have shared many of your feelings...the answer has eluded me up to this point, but I feel strongly that finding happiness with ourselves and setting up realistic expectations are key to not feeling like we're missing out on something or always looking ahead to the future.





kris
Time is a Dressmaker, Specializing in Alterations!

[houseelf]

No, Jennifer, it is not just you. I spent my entire adolescence believing that I would never grow up to be like my mom's generation: taking leftover emotional and professional scraps while everyone else's needs came first. I thought that I wouldn't let things slide and I would confront my life and build relationships on equal and healthy grounds. I would live in the moment and be more secure. And then I grew up and tried to make a life for myself.



Somedays, I wake up and I ask myself, "Is this it? Is this what I have dreamt about my whole life?" Don't get me wrong, I love my family immensely, but this life is damn taxing. I keep on thinking about the day when we...move back home, Sean has more free time, we have more money, we have less stress, etc. But I'm old enough to know that the solution to one set of problems will just be replaced with a new set of problems. In the meantime, my young married life has moved past the newlywed stage and my boy is growing so fast it makes me want to sit down and cry. I don't know how one can long for the simplicity of the past, attempt to embrace the present moment, and dream about the possibilities of the future in a single instance, but it seems to happen to me all the time.



I really can't offer too many solutions, because I'm still working them all out for myself. I do know that I now revere my mother for her selfless, generousity of spirit. I know that in the future, I will long for the present days in years to come. Unfortunately, my dh and I are sewing the seeds of our marriage foundation while we live this dysfunctional life. It doesn't seem fair, but that is the way it is.



All that I can tell you is that you are not alone in your feelings. I hope that this offers some consolation.



Kelly

Jennifer (Jenn?)-

Thanks for asking such a great question. You are not alone at all in this. I also don't think it's just a med spouse question, though I certainly find myself asking it more often now than I did in the Era Before Med School. But maybe that's because I was in my 20's then.



In any case, I am of two minds to reply about this. One mind, Practical Solutions Mind, pipes up with the actual things I do to keep from focusing on the future and the things that help to concentrate on the present. One thing for me is keeping up traditions that we had in the EBMS. Okay, well, there's ONE tradition we've managed to maintain, regardless of B's schedule (so far) and that has been our annual Friends' Thanksgiving we do the Saturday before Thanksgiving. (We make a sit-down dinner for 25-30 people all crammed into our tiny apartment at 3 tables in 3 rooms...) Anyway, my point is that by keeping up with something like that I can look back on the past 4 years and see that I haven't been waiting for Med School to be over to have celebrations with friends.



Another thing Practical Solutions Mind pipes up with is my meditation practice. I have been sitting to meditate fairly regularly for over eight years now. I sometimes go weeks withough sitting at all, but when I get back to the practice, even for _short_ sessions (sometimes as little as 5 minutes!), it reminds me I am here in the present moment. Thich Nat Hahn's books in mindfulness are such great reminders that you can live in the present in the tiniest moment of awareness. I have to remember to go back to them over and over.



But Practical Solutions Mind lives in the same head as Reality Mind, who points out that sometimes--like during B's surgery rotation in 3rd year, or his sub-I in 4th year--all I am doing in the moment is waiting for the bad period to be over. Med School DOES put this constant pressure on you to be thinking about and worrying about your future. And trying to avoid it is like trying not to get trapped by the It in A Wrinkle in Time. When you're just waiting for the bad period to be over I think the only thing to do is to check in with your friends and allies, look at a picture of yourself at your most beautiful, and eat something like a fresh peach, something that's absolutely sumptuous in the moment.





Kate

Kate,



You make some really good points about finding ways to enjoy the present....



My father-in-law just passed away and in the last week of his life, my husand and I spent a lot of time talking about our own lives.....His dad also had many challenges when he was younger and both he and his wife were waiting to retire to "finally" enjoy the golden years. Tragically, this didn't happen for them, and it has made us take a hard and in a way painful look at our lives. We realize very much that we want to start embracing the now with all of its challenges instead of waiting for the next challenge to pass....Life is so short and we all deserve to find happiness in each day....



My new personal goal for myself is to find the positives in each day...and the things that I'm not happy about in my life right now are things that need to be evaluated so that I can find out how to make myself happy.....If that means that I need to get a job, go back to school or make some lifestyle changes, then I'm going to do that.....For now, I've been taking an inventory of where my mind continues to wander when I'm looking to the future at what I think will make me happy and to right now...the reality of what makes me unhappy....I think that if I get a good grasp on my needs that maybe I can make myself feel more secure in the present...



Thanks for your insightful response...because it really brought home the idea of finding the joy in each day.



Kris
Time is a Dressmaker, Specializing in Alterations!

Jennifer-

It is definitely not just you. Your feelings totally describe how I feel. We spend so much time trying to get past each little thing - a board exam, a bad rotation, a tough year, fellowship interviews... the list goes on and on. And to get us through, we always say we're going to celebrate each little thing, and then have no actual time to do so. I have somehow dealt with it until now. I guess all that time spent putting off dealing with things and waiting until the day things are better finally came to a head. I finally grew up and realized it never is going to get better after a certain hurdle. It is about finding ways to enjoy each day, and making our life better in the present. But I have yet to figure out how. We always discuss how one day this will all be worth it. Of course, God forbid, something were to happen to one of us before we get to that point. Would it be worth it then? No way. But if we all thought about life that way - no one would ever do anything noble, which is what I think our husbands are doing. I guess we're along for the ugly, noble ride, huh?



Still I find myself searching for that true positive outlook. Like Kris, I try to think of what it is I would really need to make my life happy right now, and try to think what I could do to make that happen. I'm not sure what that would be at the moment when what I REALLY want is that dream life I envisioned that is just not happening. And I don't want that dream life with anyone but my husband. So technically I have what I want- a perfect, healthy daughter and the man I fell in love with. However, it's almost like the man I love isn't really available - he's a married man - married to medicine. Bless his heart, he tries so hard. But as you know, his hands are tied - he has no choice about the way our life is currently if he is going to continue on this road to ct surgery. I have constant guilt over making him feel bad about what he has chosen. And I know that he feels bad because he does not want me to be unhappy. I never complained until this past July and trust me I have let it rip since then. My poor dh!



Anyway, I do think it is about finding something for ourselves besides our husbands and children (and even careers) to make us happy. Something else genuinely fulfilling, so we can enjoy the other things we truly love. How to do this? I'm still figuring it out myself.

[Phoebe]

I think everyone is right. The more I think about this, the more I realize it is a condition of life to long for better, easier times to enjoy. Maybe like others mentioned that medical training is just a rougher period with a heightened desire to concentrate on the future.



I have been trying to figure out why it has bothered me so much lately and I came up with a couple reasons. Basically, I am not completely fulfilled staying at home with my daughter. I love being with her, but I crave a more stimulating environment at times. When I start putting my needs on the back burner, I begin to concentrate on weaknesses with myself and find fault with my husband. I become a nagging wife who is waiting around for someone to make her happy. Instead of trying to make a day-to-day difference I start looking ahead to the future.



So I have to refocus on the present and remember to do things that make me happy like working out or reading a good book etc. Outside of that, I am going to try and enjoy something everyday. I remember years ago Oprah talked about a gratitude journal. Maybe I should start one of those.



Jennifer

[Meenah]

A gratitude journal is a great idea for all of us.

Luanne

I've been doing a gratitude journal, Jennifer, and it really does help me to put a more positive spin on things. It's become like a scrapbook, actually...I add pictures or drawings (kids) though I don't consider it to be a scrapbook/photo album...it is so easy to get bogged down in the stress. Another thing that my husband and I have been talking about is ways to take vacations now (even though we're struggling financially) and to find ways to be satisfied/content in the here and now even though we both have different career and educational plans for the future.......I've decided to look for a part-time job, because like you, I find myself feeling quite unfulfilled (though I know it isn't PC to admit that) and I crave some type of professional stimulation. I am going to work very hard to find a balance for myself and I've decided to go to the local universities to see what I can do...I'd like to get back into lab work and teaching...I need to feel fulfilled too. My husband is applying for a part-time position (even unpaid if necessary) at U of MN to work with medical students/residents.....we just decided it isn't worth waiting.....We are also going out on dates now on Friday nights and are diligently working to reduce debt so that we won't struggle anymore....



The bottom line is that we only live once and we should try and enjoy every day that we have!



kris
Time is a Dressmaker, Specializing in Alterations!