NEED ADVICE ON PARENTS VISITING SOON AFTER BABY BORN

Okay, I need some advice from you experienced ladies and gentlemen out there who have endured what my DH and I are about to endure.

I have posted (more like complained...) often about my situation that DH and I are in regarding having our baby due July 4th, and having his intership year begin June 27th. We are making a huge move to La Crosse WI from Buffalo NY, but the only time we can move in is June 26th (yes 1 day before DH starts) and that leaves 1 day before DH starts to organize our life and prepare for our baby!!!

With that background, let me tell you about my biggest anxieties. In addition to the major stress many of us are facing on this forum (moving to new place, spouses/SO starting residency, etc.), having our FIRST baby the same week DH starts residency...and now I have to worry about what happens AFTER the baby is born.

DH and I have essentially 3 sets of parents, as his parents are divorced. My problem is that my Mom (I love her to pieces, so don't take this the wrong way) is VERY VERY VERY pushy and has to have things her way, but at the same time is very sensitive, so I am always afraid of just telling her like it is for fear I will hurt her feelings. Also, my mom is not a very independent lady. She doesn't drive in places she doesn't know, is fussy about everything, always has to get her own way...stuff like that which at any other time, you can handle. (Just not after giving birth!!) So my mom thinks she is going to come to Wisconsin as soon as the baby is born and "help" us out...or more like she has invited herself to visit without asking if it is okay. Now, some of you may say "oh that's nice" or "you will want the help, believe me". BUT I know that I don't want ANYONE at all around for several weeks because I want to focus on my new baby and getting used to being a mom, and DH will want to focus on his first rotation of internship and being a new dad.

I know that my mom means well, but she will totally rely on us to take her places. DH or I will have to pick her up from the airport, because she just wouldn't be considerate enough to take a taxi or rent a car. And she will be telling me what to do, when to do it...you all know how MOMs are! And basically making me feel totally uncomfortable and I will feel like I have to entertain her in addition to adjusting to my new very hectic life.

Then after dealing with my mom, DH and I have have 2 other sets of parents to visit who also want to come "as soon as possible" after the baby is born. [Just what I want is my MIL or FIL seeing me a few weeks after giving birth, being all crazy from hormones, and having to go hide to breast feed every hour or 2 because there is no WAY I would do that in front of anyone (I don't think??)]
DH's mom feels put out by my mom pushing her way in right away, and DH's dad and step mom want to help us move in, and they said they can stay "as long as we need them" so right away we will have company to deal with. AHH!!

So, my dilema that I was hoping you all could advise me on is: would you tell your families that you don't want them around until you invite them (say a few weeks after) or do you let them come and maybe they will help you or maybe they will drive you insane (as I predict) and I will be forced to suffer with a non-stop flow of visitors for the first horrible month my baby is born? Any advice from people who have suffered with this problem would be greatly accepted. OR if you just think I am being neurotic and worrying about something stupid, I would appreciate that outlook too.

Tell them no. You must. Yes - at some points you will wish you had help - but clearly your mother's visit would not be help.

"Mom. I know you want to come, but dh and I have decided that we want to feel this out on our own at first. We'll let you know when we're ready for visitors. "

She'll have to be grown up and accept it, as will the others.

Oh - and you will - eventually - breastfeed in front of people. Having a baby pretty much removes any and all modesty. Once you've got the hang of it, you can do it discreetly.

[samssugarmomma]

I don't think that you are being neurotic or anything. I think your concerns are perfectly reasonable and valid. It is impossible to predict how you fill feel after the birth. You might want your family there to share you joy...or you might want a few days / weeks alone to get used to everything.

My 2 cents is that if you think that they will be in the way/get on your nerves, then ask everyone not to come. You can always call and say "I need help, please come". But, once they are there and getting on your nerves, I imagine it would be harder to kick them out without upsetting them!

Kate

[DCJenn]

What she said.

Seriously, you will be in no shape to schlep anyone around your (new) town and your husband won't be around to do it.

and MIL and FIL will have to cut you some slack, too.

You could plan a "meet the baby" weekend- invite everyone and they can figure out the staying arrangements on their own- for Labor Day Weekend or Halloween or something. Your mom can arrive the week prior to 'help' set things up.

Jenn

[houseelf]

Wow, my first concern is your due date. Babies arrive whenever they come, late, early, and typically at inconvenient times. It sounds like you are on a pretty scheduled time frame. I hope that you have back up plans.

Second, and I speak from experience, you or at least your hubby MUST set down some parameters. This is the only time in your life that you will have your first born baby. Yes, a baby is an exciting time for everyone, but you call the shots. period.

With our second baby, I had DH advise his parents that they were more than welcome to come for as long as they liked AFTER the baby was three weeks old.

With my first born, I made the mistake of worrying about everyone else's needs and we paid for it. On our first day home from the hosptial, I had 11 people in the living room of my small apartment, including some very non-family former "hockey buds". I stood crying in my kitchen crying as prepared beverages for our "guests".

This is a special time for you. Don't let anyone else take that away from you.

Good luck. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. This is the first example of many.

Kelly

THANKS

Wow, everyone responded so quickly!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your words of wisdom. It makes me feel much better just to know that I wouldn't be considered a horrible person to tell the parents when then can and cannot visit. And, I hate to say it, but it made me happy to see there were several people who had the same situation. It always is nice to know you are not alone.

I guess the reason I am hesitant to tell them no is because when DH and I were married, we told all of our families that we were doing it alone with a judge...no family. Again, divorced families equal problems...and DH and I wanted just one special day to remain special without the fuss everyone else has to endure for their weddings. None of them took THAT well, despite the fact that we had a nice sized party a month later. Feelings were still hurt.

But I will take your great advice--I will sit down with DH and we will make a plan for what we think is comfortable. Thanks!!!!!!!

[SuzySunshine]

Amy, we're not there yet but we've already had this discussion between us and have agreed that we will welcome parents but ONLY if they stay in a hotel and come to HELP, not just see the baby. We won't be cooking and/or cleaning for them anytime in the first month.

Good luck - I know you're on a tight schedule. I'll only be 90 minutes away if you get in a bind.

[migirl]

You've already gotten good advice here, I agree that it's perfectly acceptable for you to set up the guidelines for parental visits ... whether it be right after the birth or several weeks later.

My mom came and stayed with us right after DS was born (by mutual agreement), intending to stay for two weeks. By the end of week one, we were already arguing and the next day she went home. Even though she's my OWN MOM, we're just too much alike and her very presence was stressful and driving me crazy. Add sleep deprivation and my hormone imbalance into the mix ... well, it wasn't pretty. I still regret that a lot of my memories of the first few days of my son's life are about the stress of being annoyed with my mom. Looking back, I would have had her come when DS was a few weeks old, rather than right away.

Good luck, you've certainly got a lot going on!!

[twinsmom]

Wow - Amy - my heart goes out to you with all of the changes you have in store in the next few months. Exciting, sure, but also stressful!!

Everyone has really good advice here. I would second the fact that you need to do what's right for you and your new, growing family. I especially like the advice to having lists, ideas for how family can help i.e. cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't hesitate to let them help - that's why they claim to be coming, right?

I hope your baby plays by the timing as well. Our first (twins) came two months early, and they arrived 3 days before my hubby's boards. Yep, babies have a way of making the timing work around THEM .

I hesitate to say this, but I couldn't wait to have my mom here, and I cried when she left. She is one of those who knows just what to do, and steps in and does it. (down to having me pump, them sending me to bed and staying up with the babies in the night to feed them... pretty much saved my sanity!).

Part of it also had to do with the fact that I pretty much let people know when they came over that I just had a baby, and for me, just walking to the other side of the room was a struggle, so if they needed something, they were more than welcome to help themselves .

Good luck with the changes, moving, baby, and visitors!!

Jen

[Rapunzel]

My biggest rule of thumb when having a new baby:

**Do what YOU want.**


This is not the time for other people to get their feelings all hurt.

They want to help you out? FINE! But, YOU get to call the shots. YOU get to tell them WHEN they may visit, for HOW LONG, WHO may come, and WHAT you expect of them while they are helping you.

If the relatives just want to come as guests then this is the time to firmly and gently tell them you absolutely cannot take care of guests while trying to take care of a new baby and yourself!!! Period!

If a particular person is going to be just too stressfull then you can suggest another time for a visit - several months down the line. Your only explanation can be, "I want to concentrate on the baby for those first few weeks and I can think about having guests over after that."

If anyone protests then you can firmly reiterate the above. GUESTS are not what you need. And, someone who is not helping you, stresses you out, or expects to be entertained/driven places or just generally cannot be depended upon is simply NOT "help".

Now is the time to be firm on this. Your pregnancy and child's birth ARE NOT ABOUT YOUR RELATIVES. Sometimes people forget that it is what YOU want and need in this situation that is most important. Persons who cannot respect that can just get over it.

Think about what makes you feel the most comfortable. If the idea of someone coming to visit after the baby's birth makes your blood pressure go up, stomach to feel ill, and just causes a general bad feeling then that's a very good indication that the best thing to do - for you and your baby - is to tell that person they can come several weeks (or even months) later. It's your house, your body (recovering, breastfeeding, etc.), your baby.

Edited to add:

As far as breastfeeding: You should not have to "hide" in your own home after just giving birth in order to feed your own child. Anyone who cannot handle the sight of your naked bosom needs to just not be there. And, anyone whom YOU do not feel comfortable being partially naked in front of should be put off on their visit until you feel you have the breastfeeding down well enough to do so discreetly in front of them.

Your home should always - always - be a "safe" place for you to do something so sweet and highly necessary as nurse your own child!

[mommax3]

You really have a lot going on!

Wow, my first concern is your due date. Babies arrive whenever they come, late, early, and typically at inconvenient times. It sounds like you are on a pretty scheduled time frame. I hope that you have back up plans.

I totally agree with this. You are going to be cutting it REALLY close! (I'm sure you don't need to hear that..... ) Here's hoping that you will follow the trend for first babies and go a little past your due date. That will give you a little time to get settled and unpacked, both of which will be hard to do once the baby comes.

Along with what everyone else has said, I think that if you don't feel someone is going to be helpful, you need to keep them away for the first few weeks. I do think that you will get real comfortable nursing anywhere and everywhere, but until you get there, you need to at least feel like you can "let it all hang out" at home. I had similar feelings about nursing in public before I had my first, and couldn't imagine letting my FIL, etc. see my boobs. Let's just say that after nursing three babies, everyone in DH's and my immediate family is WAY more familiar with my chest than I ever expected.

I wish you the best and hope everything over the next few months goes smoothly.

Sally

[Deebs]

I did the thing of trying to make everyone happy, and convinced myself that it would be the most helpful. We did decide not to call anyone until baby had arrived, knowing that we would run the risk of people getting in cars and driving 5 hours to get here (and probably arriving before baby). Had a HUGE discussion with my ILs regarding that - they felt "left out." My parents were fine with it, my mom didn't want to worry about me anyway.

Then, for the post-delivery visits, we gave into pressure. Only my parents would fork over the money to stay in a hotel, but I actually wanted them to stay with us because I knew that they would cook and clean for me. They're generally "doers" and ended up being really helpful. So, we worked out a schedule where my parents came for four days after I got out of the hospital, then DH would be home three days, then his parents would come for four days.

It turned into my parents coming for four days and me never wanting them to leave (if they stayed a couple of extra days, my dad probably would have re-roofed our house or something - he gets bored and very helpful). Then, the ILs couldn't wait any longer, showed up on our doorstep unannounced the day my parents left, stayed for a week where I only got to hold DD to feed her, and ended with DH kicking them out after I spent the last two days of their visit crying in the shower because I never saw my baby.

For the next baby, I'm tempted to tell them I'm pregnant a week AFTER I've delivered the baby. Maybe if they have less notice, they won't come quite so quickly. If I had it to do over, I honestly would have told them that I would gladly book them a hotel room when they showed up. I know that sounds harsh, but their presence really took away from our family bonding.

Also, my ILs ate all the food my mom had cooked and frozen so that I wouldn't have to, messed up my house without picking up, and held the baby all day long. I definitely pushed myself trying to play hostess and ended up with a really long recovery period (I think) because of it.

You have to do what's going to be best for your new little family.

[spotty_dog]

I have only skimmed the other responses. However, this was a dilemma for me too. My dad wanted to visit about two weeks before my due date; my brother thought he'd go ahead and book flights to have him here the week before and the week after my due date; my mother who never leaves the state was talking about both parents coming for two weeks starting on my due date and wanting to be there when the baby was brand, brand new. It was stressful, because I KNEW I wanted my babymoon to be just the three of us, and I didn't want to be pressured to go into labor within a certain timeframe of my due date, and I wanted to make sure I had some help to transition me from DH's vacation to his rough OB rotation.

I think one thing that helped was the book I gave my mom for Mother's Day that year. Becoming a Grandmother by Sheila Kitzenger really helps explain the whole "She might not be raising kids the way you do and she's a woman and a mother in her own right now so let her raise her own family while being supportive" thing.

But I basically told them that this baby could come from two weeks before to two weeks after my due date and still be perfectly on time. And since I was expecting a long gestation they should aim toward the end of that period. And it was no offense to them but I knew I wanted to labor alone in my house and have no one but me and hubby at the hospital, so it was best if no one was in town but if they were they were going to have to have someplace else to stay if I went into labor. I also told my brother that being here with a newborn little slug attached to his sister's chest was not going to be any fun -- I suggested that maybe he wanted to plan his visit for later.

Dad skipped his earlier trip, and the two of them booked their arrival for about 12 days after my due date and planned to stay for a week or so. As expected, Edward took a bit longer than 40 weeks and was 8 days old when they arrived. We got to know one another, they got to see the brand new baby, they understood how to be helpful (arranged dinner every single night they were here, whether cooking or ordering out! and they had a rental car, did the grocery shopping, drove themselves around a bit), and they were here for the first couple of days of DH's rotation. Overall a successful trip.

(When he was 6 weeks the ILs came, and they weren't quite as good at being helpful -- offering to make dinner and then planning menus that would require DH to do the grilling after he came home from a grueling 12 hours!)

So. Summary is, NO you're not neurotic, YES it's good to protect your babymoon, and you're just going to have to risk stepping on some toes! Good luck, and good labor vibes to you! I hope your babe comes on a good timeline like mine did.

Absolutely, what everyone else said.

It is really hard to get used to saying no and putting your foot down (I still haven't worked it out properly, and DD is coming close to two years old). It's probably the first time in your life that you really need to do this for yourself, unless you've been seriously ill before, and I wish I'd done it better. Unfortunately, some grandparents just don't get it. Work really hard on realising that their emotions are their own, and at a time like this, they just need to deal. This time will be all about you and the baby.

DH was doing his horrible fellowship at the time DD was born, and his mother was champing at the bit to get over here as soon as humanly possible. It caused so much tension between DH and I, because I knew how much his mum would stress me out, and I already had so much going on - and DH didn't want to offend his mum, who just wanted to "help". However, she was a great big selfish drama queen about it and just wouldn't back off. In the end I negotiated for her to stay with my parents, and not to come for a month after the birth, but after the birth I had, I wish that I'd pushed for even longer.

I totally understand your breastfeeding concerns, and although over time I grew a little less shy in public (and fed for 18 months) I still never felt comfortable exposing myself in front of IL's or even my own father, particularly while I was still working it out. I took off to my own room to feed, and shut the door.

However, I've got one recommendation for you that noone else has mentioned. Find yourself a Post-partum Doula. I don't know what you've got in the States - probably much more than here - but although not commonly known, they are absolutely worth their weight in gold. I strongly believe (and studies support) that the presence of a supportive older woman, ideally through the birth as well, helps no end. They will come and simply "mother the mother". Doula means "slave", and their job is to do whatever you need, from massage to counselling to cooking to laundry, so that you can simply focus on being a mother. Because you pay them (making a clean transaction!) there are no ridiculous dramatics or guilt trips or bossiness or stealing of the baby. It is difficult to imagine beforehand just how raw you will be on so many levels after a birth, even in an ideal situation. These women just help to smooth the path. Please give this idea consideration, if at all possible. You will need help - although neither your parents nor your DH's may be ideal - so please ensure that you get it somehow.

Wishing you all the best.

[Cumberland]

I am just thinking of if you happen to have a C-section. The doula idea sounds great to me in that case. If the doula is not an option, then you might put one of these family members on 'alert status' as you will really need the help.

If your mom really wants to be involved with the baby's life, I would encourage you to communicate with her now to avoid the hurt feelings later. When she comes out to see you and the baby, I would let her know what your needs are as clearly and nicely as possible before she arrives. It might be that if you talk to her about this, the visit might be good for all of you.

I have had some issues with my mom, and since my kids have been born, clear communication on both of our parts as well as love for those little sweeties has made us very close.

You have some stressful times coming up. We are here for you!