NEED ADVICE ON PARENTS VISITING SOON AFTER BABY BORN

[Flynn]

Ditto to what everyone said.

Minor hijack here - my brother and SIL delivered their first (a baby girl) Easter morning). My brother called yesterday to ask a few questions. The first: WHEN does it get better?????? They are doing well for first time parents but it is EXHAUSTING and stressful!!!!!!! His wife has been in tears three times already and she is NOT a person who runs from a challenge.

My point: do what's best for YOUR immediate family --- YOU, baby, and DH. The challenge when you bring home your first is hard enough without adding to it with other relatives to manage who apparently will be more work for you and not all that helpful. This time in your life IS NOT ABOUT THEM!!!!!!

I wouldn't change being a parent for BILLIONS of dollars -- but it's sure a bumpy ride!

[Deebs]

I would also recommend getting a postpartum doula, except that they are VERY hard to find in this area. We try to line our patients up with them and occassionally can get one to come down from the Twin Cities. If you call the hospital you plan to deliver at in WI, sometimes there are Doula students working with the hospital that are very flexible in order to get the hours in that they need to become certified. It's definitely worth checking into. I personally think that Doula care should be provided for by all residency programs. I guess if I ran the world, things would be different...

My first response was short and to the general point, but clearly not as well thought out as everyone elses (I was on my way out the door). I totally agree with what EVERYONE has said.

First and foremost, you need to decide WHO you feel you can count on. Siblings, cousins, friends, parents. I know you're moving - so that makes it even more complicated. My mom died almost 5 years before I had my 1st child, my IL's knew better than to ask, and my dad ... not an option. I used my friends and my cousin flew in from LA. Do you have a dear friend who can bend themselves into a pretzel to help out? Think of who YOU will find most comforting. The Post-partum Doula is a great idea too ... if they're available.

You've got to lay the groundwork with conversations. Explain it all (it's obvious to you - but some folks can't see beyond their own excitement about the baby). We're moving. DH is starting residency and it's really important he starts on the right foot. AND we're having a baby. I'll need help. I'll need space. And I'll need people who are willing to do what I ask w/o me having to worry about hurt feelings. I can't entertain. I can't cart around. If you don't feel you can do these things for me - then let's schedule your visit for later.

Contact your Residency office to see if they have a spouse support group. If they do, contact them - now. Not only will they have local resources to suggest for you, but they probably do a meal-delivery thing for people w/newborns. Don't feel silly for accepting it. You'll have plenty of opportunity to reciprocate over the next several years.

Wow, you all have such great things to say! Really really helpful. And hearing some of your stories makes me feel so much better. You are right about really communicating with the family and letting them know right away what the deal is. That way, they will understand that I don't want to be mean, but with so much going on with DH and new baby, we need to call the shots.

And as someone mentioned before, I also strongly agree that the need for DH, baby and I to bond first is SO important. We need to work things out as a family and to me, that means doing it alone without mom's and dad's "hogging" the baby! I want to hold the baby and get used to holding him, and when DH is home I want HIM to hold the baby. I don't want to go a month with everyone visiting and taking my baby (then like others so sadly told me...having their visitors eating all their food and making a mess all over the place!).

I will definetly look into getting some help from someone who I am 100% comfortable with, if I decide that the parents are going to be put on hold for visits. I had never heard of a doula before, but a good friend of mine (who is Indian) had her baby here in the US and was very shocked to not have a nurse (or doula) to help her out when she got home. (She had to suffer like the rest of us with our mothers "helping" but not really being helpful. Maybe this is where my fears are stemming from).

Also I just want to say I just love this forum!! The fact that you all understand not just the element of having a new baby, but also the stress put on us with DH starting residency. That, I am afraid, neither of our familes will ever understand. They think he works a normal job and when he comes home he is home. And that he can drop everything for his family. They don't understand his obligations at all. So no matter how I try to explain to them that added bit of stress, they wouldn't be able to understand. So, again, thank you all for your great words of wisdom. I hope this thread can be of help to someone else out there in a similar situation. What a great resource!!

[Meenah]

I agree with all of the advice you have receivd. Do what is best for you and your family, that is you, DH, and baby. You must be clear with everyone before hand what your wishes are. If you don't tell them, they will not know. Best of luck!!!!!

[Gwendolyn]

I just thought I would join in too. I can’t agree more with all of the previous advice. We are in Milwaukee and are facing a similar dilemma with #2. All of our family is in AZ (three sets) and my mom, for example, thinks I am going to call her to let her know that I am in labor and she will then board a plane. I know that I will just need some time to survive. For me that means our immediate family (DH the kiddos and I), a disastrous/borderline dump of a house, and lots of frustration/joy rollercoaster rides. All things I don't want to share with anyone else. So...we will be asking our families to send gift cards to Target and Babies R US while scheduling their flights ahead of time at least a month after the birth. That way I can have sort of a grip and the house can feel "ready" and I can enjoy their visit.

As a side note...I don't know how far you are from Milwaukee, but once the dust settles

Good luck with all of the changes. We will all be here for support along the way!

I totally totally agree with what everyone else has said. Its your first baby, you and your DH and baby need to get into your own routine and bond and get used to each other without other people intruding and by the sounds of things that exactly what would happen.

I was so lucky with DS that my parents gladly didn't intrude or help or anything unless I asked and I know the same will go this time, my mum won't even call over without me asking her too because she understands what it was like and she had loads of people intruding when we were born. She was at DS birth and she was amazing as in she was practical and surprisingly not emotionally involved until ds was born. when I was saying 'Ican't do this' she said 'you can and you have to now get that baby out'

However other people kept coming over, picking the baby up, and not letting us get on with things and it completely disrupted ds and I was not able to do the 'sleep when the baby sleeps' thing because I was trying to play hostess to people.

This time DF has strict instructions re visitors and I have also told him I need 2 weeks or longer before going to his mothers to stay or her coming to us to stay so I can get breasteeding established, I'm not funny about anyone seeing me feed my child but for somereason I would feel soooo uncomfortable around her doing it and I have no intention of going up to our bedroom in our house or hers just so I don't accidently flash her. Once I get used to breastfeeding and establish it and then learn the tricks of being discreet then we will have visitors, by that time we will be hopefully bonded as a family,the baby will (fingers crossed) in a sleep routine and ds will have gotten use to the new baby.

I think you just have to be firm, and its hard, but its for the best and if you keep that at the fore front of your mind while telling the parents and parents in law it will hopefully go down well. Its not like they are never going to see the baby, they just need to give you time to get settled and used to so many new changes in your life all happening at once.

BEst of Luck