making marriage last through school

[GrayMatterWife]

The MD/PhD program here pays all our tuition and gives DH a monthly stipend that we live off of. We've even managed in the recent years to adjust our lifestyle so that I can stay at home with our DD's. So I agree that the 9 years is long, but without the debt it helps.

DH had always talked about going into neurosurgery, but now we're trying to stay on the "ROAD" (my new favorite acronym ) so he'll have to live vicariously through your DH and McDreamy.

Yep, my DH had a similar deal: all tuition & fees, plus modest (and I do mean MODEST!) living stipend. But we definitely have no complaints or regrets. His MD-PhD program opened amazing doors for him.

And the whole McDreamy thing is a totally TV thing. Three words: SCRUB HAT HAIR. Somehow, that guy on TV appears after a twelve-hour procedure under hot lights and a scrub cap pressed to his temples by his loupes and yet he has ungreasy, perfectly tousled hair. Uh huh. I don't think so! Plus, that guy always appears after surgery then stands around flirting for a half-hour with his girlfriend. After twelve hours of surgery? Again, don't think so! Those guys don't get to pee unless they scrub out (considered a personal physical failure, I think). The first place they'd go is to the bathroom, I'd bet.

Seriously, this is an almost verbatim quote from my DH one day: "I haven't peed in 12 hours. But then, I also haven't had anything to drink or eat since then, either, so I guess I'm safe."

[Vanquisher]

I thought, if we could get through college with a baby and working full-time, we could get through anything. Medical school seemed like a relative breeze compared to that, and it was. There were definitely days that sucked ass, especially having moved across the country from home, support, and everything else. Then, I thought if we can get through 8 years of school and poverty, and two moumentally horrific pregnancies, we can make it through anything.

Then came residency. :thud:

Residency hit like a ton of bricks. I literally have left this house with intentions of leaving my husband twice, and those are just the times I physically got in the car. Lets not forget all the times I mentally went there and thought about it. We are better now, and I truly think we will make it, but yes, there is resentment there. I am trying to let go of it. I really am, but it is so hard.

The fact remains that my husband chose to be a surgeon over being a good husband and father. No way around it. Did he know HOW bad it would be? No. Did I? HELL NO! But, he chose this life for us. He chose it, and we all have to live with the consequences of it.

Getting through medical school together is very doable. Getting through residency together is very doable. Getting through a surgical residency, 2000+ miles away from support with two children is insane. We are together. We are strong, but there are definite wounds to heal. We have been to the brink.



Stay away from surgical residencies with children away from support. It's a bad, bad, bad idea for a marriage. Of course, I am just a bitter troll, so don't mind me.

You have already had the best advice - make these years the best they can be for yourself and have as much of a life as you can.
We are just between med school and residency now, I found med school really tough at first but it got easier as I accepted that I pretty much had to amuse myself for a few years! We also went overseas for med school which I think contributed to the fact that my DH studied as hard as he did - he had to prove to the world (and himself) that he was worthy and he is deterimned that the IMG label will not hold him back.
Stick around this site!

[GrayMatterWife]

You have already had the best advice - make these years the best they can be for yourself and have as much of a life as you can.
We are just between med school and residency now, I found med school really tough at first but it got easier as I accepted that I pretty much had to amuse myself for a few years! We also went overseas for med school which I think contributed to the fact that my DH studied as hard as he did - he had to prove to the world (and himself) that he was worthy and he is deterimned that the IMG label will not hold him back.
Stick around this site!

My DH has worked with or trained under some really great IMGs at different points in his medical education. Nothing to be self-conscious about there. In the end, during residency, it's all about what you're made of now, I think, not where you've come from. What you bring to the team and whether you are reliable and conscientious.

Yes, just focus on the positives and the success stories (like my sister's boyfriend's parents- the dad is an orthopedic surgeon the mom a SAHM with 8 kids) and they have survived and THRIVED. Make yourself a success story too.

OMG...8 kids AND an ortho dad!! Yikes. Amazing actually. That women is a saint, right??

Anyhow, medical school is hard but everyone's relationship is very different. My DH and I married between his 3rd and 4th year, but we had been together for 7 years prior to that. The only advice I could give someone is to realize that when the SO medical person is stressed, it isn't anything personal. I learned that after awhile. For a long time, he would snap at me and I would be all offended and snap back...and it was miserable. BUT after awhile, I would be able to read his moods and stress levels and I would give a little at my end. It might not seem fair that I was always the one giving, but I guess I just think that it is easier for me to acknowledge such problems and control them. Don't get me wrong, I have lashed into him MORE than once for being a big jerk and being selfish. But by letting the little things roll, it makes life so much easier.

My husband is a first semester med student, and it seems all he does is STUDY STUDY STUDY, he's hardly ever home... he goes to school early in the morning, and comes back around midnight everyday. And on the weekends he goes BACK to school, and studies all day and night...

I feel bad for our soon to be 3 yr old daughter. She hardly gets to see her daddy. And she asks about him all the time.

Even one of my friend's husband who is also a med student at the same school, says my husband is over doing it, it's good to study but it's not good to not have some family time together...

I don't know.

I just hope it gets better.

[diggitydot]

My husband is a first semester med student, and it seems all he does is STUDY STUDY STUDY, he's hardly ever home... he goes to school early in the morning, and comes back around midnight everyday. And on the weekends he goes BACK to school, and studies all day and night...

I feel bad for our soon to be 3 yr old daughter. She hardly gets to see her daddy. And she asks about him all the time.

Even one of my friend's husband who is also a med student at the same school, says my husband is over doing it, it's good to study but it's not good to not have some family time together...

I don't know.

I just hope it gets better.

My DH was the same way during this first two years. And we have three kids. His third year was much better, and so far, his fourth year, too. But I have no delusions that it will stay that way when he hits residency.

One thing we did that helped during the first two years was made one night a week that was family night. We call it "Pajama Party". The kids all get into their jammies early, pull their blankets/pillows/stuffed animals into the living room and watch movies, play video/board games, or turn up the music and dance. I usually make finger foods for dinner that they can eat on their blankets in the living room (which is a HUGE deal to our kids since they've never allowed to eat anywhere other than at the dining room table). This is also usually the one night during the week that the kids get a dessert of some type, too.

It isn't anything overly exciting, nor is it cost-prohibitive...but it gives you all a night to put aside to be together (which helped, for us). We always do it on Friday nights when DH needs a break, anyway.

[GrayMatterWife]

My husband is a first semester med student, and it seems all he does is STUDY STUDY STUDY, he's hardly ever home... he goes to school early in the morning, and comes back around midnight everyday. And on the weekends he goes BACK to school, and studies all day and night...

I feel bad for our soon to be 3 yr old daughter. She hardly gets to see her daddy. And she asks about him all the time.

Even one of my friend's husband who is also a med student at the same school, says my husband is over doing it, it's good to study but it's not good to not have some family time together...

I don't know.

I just hope it gets better.

I have been there. I would venture to say that many, many of us have been in your shoes and know how you feel.

A couple of thoughts (my perspective only--others may wildly disagree):

First, rest assured, this isn't all that abnormal. Everyone responds to the stress and competition differently. Some folks kind of overreact. My first year of law school, I lost 10 pounds, my face broke out in horrible acne, and my hair started falling out because I was working so hard and sleeping so little. But I doubt there was much anyone could have done to change my reaction to the pressure. It was just my nature. So, you may just have to let him to that, to a large degree. That means getting adjusted to less together time.

HOWEVER...

Second, you have the right--and obligation on behalf of your daughter--to require some "hubbie" and "daddy" time. Period. This is a marriage and a family, not an incidental existence to his medical school life. While you may have to compromise a lot in terms of an "ideal" family life, you are not required to be emotionally savaged by loneliness. Even more so for your daughter. So, I'd sit down with him (when he's not tired and he is well-fed--trust me on the food thing) and tell him in a nonadversarial, nonaccusatory tone how you feel: that you understand what a commitment this is and that you admire his desire to prepare and succeed. However, you and your daughter really miss him, and it's becoming a problem, but that you think small changes would help a lot. First, you need a commitment from him that he will spend at least [fill-in-the-blank: 15 minutes a day--maybe start small] with your daughter. That means 15 minutes where he is not sleeping on her bed while she plays near him, and not 15 minutes watching you feed her or something like that. But 15 minutes of quality time and attention. He may have to get home earlier. Your daughter may have to wake up earlier. You may have to meet him at the med school for dinner and a play break. Figure something out...whatever could work--but he's a dad and that MUST be a priority. (By the way, this is a COMPLETELY reasonable expectation to have for a father). Then tell him that you would like one night a week where it is just the two of you (no kiddo!) for 2 hours. That means two hours where you watch a DVD together, or go for a walk, or have a date or whatever. (But not "reading" together whereby you read the newspaper and watch him read the med books!) Two hours in one week (there are 168 hours in a week...) is do-able (maybe not during finals, but the rest of the time, it is).

That's what I'd do...or did...

And--by the way--things most likely WILL get better. As he learns to handle medical school, he will feel more comfortable handling everything else in his life. Some people just get freaked out when they first get thrown in. But try to advocate for small, incremental changes now, that could provide some immediate relief...for both of you. I bet he really misses you, too!

Thank you diggitydot and graymatterwife...

I started to feel as if maybe i was the only wife feeling this way towards her hubby.

But you both have helped me to see things in a different point of view. And alot of helpful suggestions too. Thank you again!!!

I will give it a try and see how the hubby responds to them. He's the type of Guy who is totally clueless to how i feel and how our daughter feels most of the time. But i know he loves us no matter what, even if he hasn't shown it since we've gotten here.

But your right things will get better, that is something i can look forward to.

Wow, do I relate :P

I have been with my fiancee for 2 years now and when I met him he was in residency. I wasn't really all that patient with him about his long hours.

I decided to go to medical school overseas and we are thousands of miles away from each other. He is more than patient with me, and I really see how medicine can take it's toll on a relationship. We talk once a week based on his schedule, not mine, I have plenty of time to talk when I am studying, but his schedule doesn't warrant it.

I see so many marriages here thrive despite the lifestyle where I am at school and I think it's defintiely doable. I think like others suggested, staying really busy helps, so you can keep your mind off the frustrations of not having time together. I have completely surrounded myself with friends here and go enjoy nature and the life here and it helps me ease the pain of being so far apart and rarely seeing each other.

Glad to see another islander!

Cheers.

[Meenah]

Hang in there, he is normal and it is doable. Everyone finds their way to cope. Just know that we are here and no matter what you are feeling it is normal, and many here on this website are feeling the same. Acknowledge your feelings because they are real, then find a way to cope.