Feeling Completely Overlooked! *Vent*

DH is on OB/Gyn night float all this week, so I haven't seen him since Sunday and won't see him again until Friday night. He gets home in the morning after I leave for work and is gone by the time I get back in the evening. To make matters 200X worse, I haven't even really talked to him since the weekend. I've been on the phone with him exactly three times--for a grand total of less than 3 minutes. He called me on Monday to ask me to pick him up something at the store, I called him yesterday to ask him to call the cable company while he was at home because I had tried and couldn't get through and was on my way to work, and he called last night, but I was out to the movies with a friend and he said he would call back later.

I promise, I'm not a needy wife. I realize that physicians often need to be away from their families, and I'm basically OK with that. Not seeing him for a week sucks, but it's just part of the territory. On the other hand, I hate not talking to him for days on end because I feel like he could call me. I know that the students/residencts/docs almost always get some free time during their shifts, and DH knows that I don't need to talk to him for an hour--I've told him over and over that I would appreciate even a 30 second call just to say, "I can't talk, but I want to say I love you. Good night." Yet, he often doesn't call me at all when he's working overnight. Honestly, is there any good reason he can't pick up the phone in the lounge or the call room and give me a quick call?

Then, my post about SOs helping out at home has made me realize that DH does a lot less than most of the spouses on here, and that's put me in a bit of a sour mood. I came home last night to find his dinner dishes on the coffee table, his jacket and other stuff strewn around the living room, and the leftovers that he reheated for himself still on the kitchen counter, no good to eat anymore!

On top of all that, DH has been talking about wanted to start a family next year. Why--so I can tackle childcare duties on top of everything else that I have to do that he doen't help me with? I wonder if having a baby at home would be incentive enough to call to say "hi".

*sigh* I don't know, maybe I shouldn't even be in a bad mood right now, but I can't help it. (Seriously, please tell me if I'm being b!tchy or unreasonable.) I just feel totally overlooked by DH. Maybe this is just the inevitable brick wall that medical spouses all hit every once in awhile. I mean, DH is usually very understanding and affectionate when he's around, and aside from his not helping out around the house, I usually couldn't ask for a better spouse. It's mostly just this week that sucks, but it really sucks!

[Flynn]

You're not nuts or being unreasonable. You feel how you feel. It's normal.

I think your DH needs a gentle "reality check." He's off in La La Medical land and thinking things are just ducky.

1.) I'd start to ease him into the idea that you ARE NOT HIS MAID. Most adults who are considerate (and your DH seems to be in other areas) clean up after themselves. It's just common sense. Does he realize you feel taken for granted when he gets to "go play doctor," come home, make a mess, and do it all over again?

2.) Calling your spouse you haven't seen for a while is also considerate, but chances are he has no clue you feel that way. Tell him. You support him in his career choice and for now you understand the sacrifices YOU will need to make -- a phone call once in a while would be a nice treat for you -- you'd appreciate it.

3.) HE wants to start a family? What about you? He may want to start a family but when residency starts you'll do most of the work. Does he realize this? How does he plan on buffering your load? Does he even address that due to his career choice, you'll be a single parent at times?

Just some thoughts from an old battleaxe whose BTDT.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Feeling Completely Overlooked! *Vent*

For whatever my thoughts are worth...see in CAPS below.

Yet, he often doesn't call me at all when he's working overnight. Honestly, is there any good reason he can't pick up the phone in the lounge or the call room and give me a quick call?

. . . YES, USUALLY HE CAN. MAYBE NOT AT THE EXACT MOMENT YOU WANT HIM TO, AND MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE TO PICK UP THE PHONE AT 2:30 AM, BUT HE CAN FIND TWO SECONDS TO CALL YOU! TELL HIM HOW MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE IT WOULD MAKE IN YOUR DAY IF HE WOULD JUST MAKE THE EFFORT TO CALL YOU ONCE AN OVERNIGHT EVENING.

YESTERDAY, MY DH IGNORED 3 PAGES OVER TEN HOURS. FINALLY, AROUND 9:30 PM, I JOKINGLY TEXT PAGED HIM: "YOUR WIFE IS GOING TO RUN OFF WITH AN ORTHO RESIDENT IF YOU DON'T CALL HER BACK. AND TO MAKE THIS IMPORTANT: SHE'LL TAKE ALL THE FOOD AND LEAVE YOU WITH THE DOG, KID, AND MORTGAGE." HE CALLED ME RIGHT BACK...BUT THEN, I THINK THIS ONE MAY HAVE BEEN READ ALOUD TO THE SURGICAL SUITE BY THE OR PAGER NURSE. HAHAHA!

I came home last night to find his dinner dishes on the coffee table, his jacket and other stuff strewn around the living room, and the leftovers that he reheated for himself still on the kitchen counter, no good to eat anymore!

. . .MY DH USED TO DO THIS. EVEN THOUGH I AM PROBABLY OVERLY INDULGENT IN DOING MORE THAN MY SHARE AROUND THE HOUSE, BUT THERE IS NO NEED TO BE SO DISRESPECTFUL OF MY EFFORTS. I TOLD HIM ONE DAY, "I LOVE YOU, BUT IF YOU EVER DO THIS AGAIN, I AM PILING UP ALL THIS CRAP AND DUMPING IT ON YOUR DESK FOR YOU TO CLEAN UP. I AM NOT KIDDING." AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID THE NEXT TIME HE DID IT--SCRUB SHOES PILED ON TOP OF TUPERWARE PILED ON TOP OF HIS LAB COAT. AS$HOLE. HE DOESN'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

On top of all that, DH has been talking about wanted to start a family next year. Why--so I can tackle childcare duties on top of everything else that I have to do that he doen't help me with? I wonder if having a baby at home would be incentive enough to call to say "hi".

. . . WHOA. IF YOU DON'T LIKE BEING A RESIDENT WIDOW, YOU'LL HATE BEING A RESIDENT WIDOW SINGLE MOM. SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS NEED TO HAVE A REALLY SERIOUS TALK ABOUT TIMING AND REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.

*sigh* I don't know, maybe I shouldn't even be in a bad mood right now, but I can't help it. (Seriously, please tell me if I'm being b!tchy or unreasonable.) I just feel totally overlooked by DH.

. . . YOU ARE NOT BEING BITCHY OR UNREASONABLE. YOU'RE BEING HUMAN. YOU'RE LONELY AND FEEL LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT. WHEN HE'S RESTED AND YOU'RE NO LONGER ACUTELY PISSED OFF, YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN AND TALK. IF HE'S ANYTHING MY MY DH, HE'S JUST SO WRAPPED UP IN THE HOSPITAL THAT HE'S NOT ALWAYS AWARE OF HOW I FEEL (OBLIVIOUS!!). USUALLY, HE'S KIND OF SURPRISED WHEN I TELL HIM HOW I FEEL.

BUT, MOST IMPORTANTLY, HANG IN THERE! WE ALL HAVE DAYS JUST LIKE THIS, WHEN OUR DHs OR SOs COMPLETELY SUCK. YOU'RE NOT ALONE...AND IT WILL GET BETTER.

[Vishenka69]

MY DH USED TO DO THIS. EVEN THOUGH I AM PROBABLY OVERLY INDULGENT IN DOING MORE THAN MY SHARE AROUND THE HOUSE, BUT THERE IS NO NEED TO BE SO DISRESPECTFUL OF MY EFFORTS. I TOLD HIM ONE DAY, "I LOVE YOU, BUT IF YOU EVER DO THIS AGAIN, I AM PILING UP ALL THIS CRAP AND DUMPING IT ON YOUR DESK FOR YOU TO CLEAN UP. I AM NOT KIDDING." AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID THE NEXT TIME HE DID IT--SCRUB SHOES PILED ON TOP OF TUPERWARE PILED ON TOP OF HIS LAB COAT. AS$HOLE. HE DOESN'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

I like this. May be I should give it a try. Although knowing DH, he'll just move it to the side and go about his business. But i guess it's worth a shot.

[DCJenn]

You're not crazy or over-reacting (the usual response from the poor put upon physician when confronted w/ their asshat behavior)

We've all been there and suffered through the "oh, I work so much harder than you do" to which (as Flynn so accurately refers to us) we battleaxes merely reply, "indeed, you do dear. But I didn't sign up for indentured servitude on our wedding day, either." or something along those lines. My response was typically more terse than that.

You have to talk about it and talking about it while you're annoyed and he's tired rarely works BUT as we can all attest, often there's no other choice.

He decided to become the dawkter, you shouldn't have to suffer any more than you're already going to. How f-ing hard is it to put a dirty dish in the dishwasher? Time for your hubby to put on his Big Boy Boxers and realize that he's responsible for more than passing classes.

Jenn

[Flynn]

Might I point out that he is still MS4. Is that correct? I'm sorry but as the MS4 he is not to busy, he's just not.

:> :> :> :>

so true so true

[spotty_dog]

Yeah, he's probably sleeping during his shift and everything -- even the most helpful med student can't sign orders or anything useful like that. Plus, he's already MATCHED. He's hardly grubbing for an honors grade, and if he is that's just silly -- all he needs is a pass. Has he been a gunner up to this point?

This isn't to say, "That cad is blowing you off! He clearly disrespects you!!" I am sure that a good conversation with him could iron things out. I personally wouldn't initiate a "clean up your crap" conversation when he's exhausted (because working hard or no, that schedule blows) but I would almost certainly pipe up with a "I miss you and it would make me feel better if you would call even if it's just for five seconds even if it's past my bedtime."

MY DH USED TO DO THIS. EVEN THOUGH I AM PROBABLY OVERLY INDULGENT IN DOING MORE THAN MY SHARE AROUND THE HOUSE, BUT THERE IS NO NEED TO BE SO DISRESPECTFUL OF MY EFFORTS. I TOLD HIM ONE DAY, "I LOVE YOU, BUT IF YOU EVER DO THIS AGAIN, I AM PILING UP ALL THIS CRAP AND DUMPING IT ON YOUR DESK FOR YOU TO CLEAN UP. I AM NOT KIDDING." AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID THE NEXT TIME HE DID IT--SCRUB SHOES PILED ON TOP OF TUPERWARE PILED ON TOP OF HIS LAB COAT. AS$HOLE. HE DOESN'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

I did something similar. After seeing DH's nasty, totally foul dirty socks on our dining table one to many times, I placed them in his sandwich for lunch one afternoon. NEVER happened again.

I do not think you are being unreasonable in the least. He lives there, too, right? So, he should help keep the house in order. DH and I have divided household chores, and only in emergency cases do we complete each other's chores. I know it may sound juvenile, but maybe ya'll could divide chores and make a chart or something. This worked for us. I came home after a run yesterday evening, to find DH, who had just come home at 9:00 pm fixing dinner. It was the first thing he did when he walked in the door, because that's his chore. He also does all yard work, takes care of garbage, and some maintenance type stuff.

Oh yeah, if DH told me HE was thinking about starting a family, well, lets just say he wouldn't for his own self-preservation After much discussion, and after a hellish intern year, he knows that I will be doing all the work, so he has left that one up to me.

I think he needs a "talking to"- respectfully, of course. Remind him of all you do, and the sacrifices you will be making for his residency (moving, quitting your job/finding new work, being alone alot, taking care of household chores), etc. I don't think he realizes all you do.

I don't have any advice since I took the gravy train to becoming a dawkter's wife (latched on during the last 2 years of residency), but...

Thanks, guys! I appreciate the support and understanding. This afternoon DH sent me a text message that said he misses me. It made me feel a lot better, although all those happy feelings are going to go right back out the window if he doesn't call me tonight!

Just to clarify a few things:

DH actually has not matched yet. He's a new M4. And yes, he's a total gunner. Always has been, always will be, I'm afraid.

When I said DH has been talking about starting a family, I guess what I should've said is that DH initiated conversation about starting a family and feels ready to do that. As for me, I think I would like to start TTC before too long, but I'm just not sure. Therefore, all baby making is still in the negotiations stage and will stay there until I feel ready, too. And, while we're on the topic of babies, something that DH said is eating at me. When I mentioned that I'm concerned about how involved DH will be able to be in our child's life if we have a baby during his intern year, his answer was, "Well, I would rather be there when the kid is older than when she's an infant anyway." WTF?! Although I kind of get what he's saying--he wants to spend quality time with a child who values it--I think it's totally unreasonable to try to bring a baby into this world that you know you won't be spending much time with. Would any of your SOs even think to say something like this?!

Ah well, at least there is a light at the end of this tunnel. DH's next rotation is radiology!

[GrayMatterWife]

[quote="lmk17"] Although I kind of get what he's saying--he wants to spend quality time with a child who values it--I think it's totally unreasonable to try to bring a baby into this world that you know you won't be spending much time with. Would any of your SOs even think to say something like this?!quote]

Well, for whatever it's worth, I don't think that you should deliberately seek to get pregnant if you KNOW you're not ready, because it really will be on you almost 100% while he's in residency.

Of all the reasons to hold off, though, I am not sure that I would hold off just because your DH is going to be in residency and not around much. If you personally don't want to be a single parent, that's one thing (and very understandable!). But if it's just a matter of worrying about DH's lack of time to spend with the kiddo, that's another. My DH is a PGY2 (almost 3!!) in neurosurgery. He is home maybe--maybe--6 hours a day, counting sleeping. But he is an amazing dad. Yeah, our lifestyle is not ideal and probably kind of weird (our almost 3-year-old doesn't go to bed until 10:00 PM, to wait up for dad), but it is completely worth it. They both really light up around each other. Yeah, it'd be even better if they were around each other more, but that doesn't mean that the limited time they have isn't enough for a great relationship, you know? And our son is pretty much the only thing that keep DH from becoming a complete workaholic. DH may not find time to hang out with me on a day off, but he always manages to find a little time to take kiddo to the park or the zoo or out for breakfast or whatnot. I know it will be great when residency is over and they can spend more quality time together, but I honestly don't think that our son is suffering because of the current situation. Maybe it would probably be different, though, if our son were older when DH started residency, so that he would feel the change of lifestyle and notice the lessened amount of time together.