Any advice for the wife of an "older" med school s

Hi everyone!



This is my first posting so I hope I submit it correctly. I just recently discovered this gathering place and what a great idea! I have a feeling I will be visiting this site frequently during the next 7 years.



I am 29 years-old and my husband is 30. He graduated from the US Airforce Academy with a double major in Poli Sci and Economics, from the University of MD with a Master's in Public Policy, served in the U.S. Airforce, and is presently working on year #4 of his Ph.D. in child psychology (he FINALLY decided what he wanted to do). If everything goes as planned, he will start medical school in the fall of 2003. He eventually wants to practice child psychiatry, conduct research, and teach at a university. He promised no more school or degrees after med school!! Bless his heart! I don't know where his unyielding motivation comes from!



I am a PNP so even though we are not rich, we aren't destitute either. I keep myself busy and understand his time constraints. We have excellent communication and I am involved in all of his/our decision-making so that's not really a problem. I don't mind moving around and changing jobs either. This is our dilemma.....we aren't really sure when the "best" time for us to start a family would be. (If there really IS a "best" time that is!!) Since my "grade A" eggs are, even as we speak, transforming to "grade B's" we would like to start sooner than later, but how do couples have kids when one of the partners is in medical school and not earning a salary? I ,of course, would have to go back to work AT LEAST part-time after having a baby, but if I am going to have children, I surely don't want someone else raising them!! We have no family nearby so they would not really be able to help us out.



Can a partner in med school or residency really have enough time to help care for and spend time with a baby/child, or would it really be better to wait until he was finished with (at least) med school before we had kids? How do people even afford kids when one partner is in med school? He has said time and time again that he would get a job if need be but I also don't want him working himself to death!



Any suggestions or shared-experiences would be great!! I am eager to hear about your trials and tribulations with med school/residency and raising kids!! Thanks so much and have a great day and weekend!!

[DCJenn]

Welcome-



I have absolutely no advice on the when to have children dilemma-We're kind of in the middle of the issue ourselves. But there are lots of people here who can tell you their own experiences and maybe that will help?



Anyway-



Welcome aboard.



Jenn

Welcome to the board!!!



Wow!!! Your husband sure has been busy and dedicated! My husband was an older medical student too. He was almost 30 when he started medical school. We started med school with three children and then we added one more in the second year of med school. It can be done!!!! Of course, everyone's circumstances are different and only you and your husband will know when the "best" time to have a baby is.



We always wanted four children so we knew when we started medical school that we would have one more sometime in the medical experience. We had a baby at the beginning of the second year. I don't know if that was the best time to have one but it worked out for us. My husband was able to spend time with him. He really made an effort to spend quality time being that he didn't have the quantity of time.



Money definitely was tight and we did rely on loans. However, for me, there was no point going out of the home to work because I had four children. I started off with babysitting a little girl for another medical school family. In fact, I babysat her all four years. For the last two years of medical school into the present (internship year) I have been doing medical transcription at home. It has worked out wonderfully for us and we have been able to get things to work out.



Good luck in your new adventure!!!! Things will work out!



Robin

[mommax3]

Hi Mary,



It is nice to have you here with us. I am Sally, SAHM to three boys. We had our first (who is 7 now!) at the end of the second year of med school. Our kids are all a little over three years apart. My husband is an OB/GYN with the Air Force -- he has been done with residency for one year. The military has made it possible, along with loans, for me to be home with the kids. I have also had various jobs along the way -- I have nannied, done childcare in my home, given voice and piano lessons, (I have a music education degree) and worked part time for the music pastor at my church. I have been lucky in that I have never had to use daycare for my kids -- although my oldest one has always thought that the centers look like a lot of fun and wished (before he was in school) that I would get a job so he could be in daycare. That's gratitude for you!



We are all attempting to piece together this puzzle of how to have a life when our spouses are in fields that demand so much of them -- feel free to jump in and join our discussions!



Sally

[houseelf]

Welcome Mary,



As a 29 year old married to a 31 year old, I must declare, you HAVE to be young because I know that I am!



My dh is an eternal student as well. He has a masters in human anatomy and plans to obtain a Ph.D. through his residency program by spending two dedicated years in the lab in between his 3rd and 4th year of clinical duties. After we finish a 7 year residency, he will probably do a two year fellowship in pediatric surgery. If you are doing the mental math with me here--- he will be 38 by the time he gets a real job!



Mary, I can tell you that every single day we grapple with balancing the demands of our biological clocks and our limited resources of time, energy, help, and money. Since we are truly in training for quite some time, it basically a matter of learning how to cope with raising a family during residency.



We currently have a two year old and I work 25-32 hours outside the home. We are contemplating trying for a second one sometime in the coming year, but I know that I will probably not be able to handle a job, a preschooler, an infant, and an absentee husband. I guess that we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I know that there are many invaluable resources here who have taken both roads: SAHM and work outside the home mom. Hopefully, we can all negotiate these murky waters together!



Kelly
Edited by: kmbsjbcgb at: 8/1/02 12:11:28 pm

Well, Mary, I'm 27 and have four children now so I am not quite in your situation. I can say that if my husband and I waited until our lives slowed down to have kids - we'd never have them. It's good to be concerned about your husband's career choice and how that will affect your future children. But, in the end, it's going to fall to his shoulders to prioritize his family - whether you guys have kids premed, in medical school, residency, fellowship, or "finished" with training. I can definitely say having children isn't easy wherever you are in your lives (we had our first before medical school and the demands place upon us both were the same as after med school began and now in residency). I guess what I'm saying is there is never a "right" time to have children in general - it's really up to your state of mind.



Jennifer

Mary,



Welcome to the group. I have to get off of the computer because my own angelic offspring are trying to make their own lunch in the kitchen that I just cleaned .



Is it possible to raise a family during med school/residency? Yes.



Is it easy?

No.



Will your partner have a lot of time?

No....You will be the primary caregiver.



Is it worth it?



You BET! Like anything else in this world that is worth having, it requires sacrifice and isn't alwasy very easy. We had three children during residency. I was not employed at all for most of that time and we have a great deal of debt...but I would go back and do it again in a heartbeat.



Sorry to be so short with my replies...I hear destruction in the kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Kris

Mary-

Nice to meet you! To answer all of your questions on a nutshell- yes it can be done, but it won't be easy. My husband is a 4th year student at KCOM, but we are actually living in Michigan because KCOM is one of the school that sends most students away for the last 2 years. He was 33 when he started medical school and I was 27. We had been married for 4 years when he started and neither of us had been ready for kids up to that point. He was pretty adamant that he wanted to wait until after the first 2 years to have kids and after seeing how the first 2 years go, I really couldn't blame him. I think that's a completely individual decision though, since lots of people had kids in the first 2 years and did just fine.



I am now 12 weeks pregnant with our first child. The baby will be here in Februaury and we'll pick up and move yet again 3 months later. Am I a little overwelmed by this? Yes. We are far away from most of our friends and all of our family. Do I think it'll all work out and be fine-- most likely. There were lots of babies born to medical students during our time in Kirksville-- lots of 2nd babies, even. Many of the mothers actually didn't work, or worked at a home business (Pampered Chef, etc). Kirksville's pretty cheap to live in, but they still had to watch where every penny went.



I am planning on going back to work at least part-time for the short period of time between when my maternity leave ends and when we move, just because that's the best decision for us. Doing this as an "older" family, we acrued some debt prior to med school that we are still dealing with. Part of life, I suppose.



Like all else with med school, you make a very informed, very conscious mutual decision to go for it, make a huge commitmment, then do whatever it takes to get through it. If it means living on less in order to have a child along the way, then that's simply what you do.



Not to hawk another website, but if your husband is looking for some resources on going back to school as a nontraditioanl applicant, check out this website: http://www.oldpremeds.net He'll have to register, but it is free and is made up of people who are trying to get into/are already in medical school as 2nd careers, older students, whatever. Check it out if you get a chance.



Wendy

Just adding my two cents....



I had one baby during med school (4th year) and one baby during ob/gyn residency (3rd year). I can tell you med school was more flexible that his residency, and residency was more flexible than fellowship. Our research year was the best. He tried to help out , but wasn't around much (particularly during residency). For me, being a SAHM was a marriage saver (I think) because I know if I was trying to manage my career and the babies all by myself I would have become resentful of his lack of responsibility in the childcare thing. As it is, I was happy to do all the childcare/home management because it was my "job" albiet with lousy pay and benefits (but the references from my children would be glowing-I hope).

[Cumberland]

hi mary,



i wanted to tell you i am in your same situation, the kids dilemma.. ..my husband is in his third year of med school, we have been married for four years, and i am an FNP/family breadwinner. we live in new york city so the idea of staying home with a baby is almost impossible with the cost of living here but so is the thought of working full time and putting a little one in daycare. ( not to mention raising a child in new york city....)



I work in a an ED with a huge peds contingency- I really love the kiddies



.