hate is a strong word, but I do.

He's a liar, he asked out another girl on a date while dating my sister, he impregnated another girl, he's jealous, swears at her, is possessive, and a wee bit crazy. He's a facebook stalker (we live in a facebook world...wow), a hypocrite, disrespectful guy and I cannot believe my sister is dating him!

So, I know she doesn't want to be lectured to, and I can't help myself but I always try to talk some sense into her. I'm the big sister! And this loser has sweet talked his way into her heart. They've been on and off because he annoys her sometimes, but she told me for the past month, he hasn't sworn at her or yelled so they're back together.

But it doesn't change his shady past or the fact that he has disrespected her so much! Especially in the beginning of a relationship- aren't you supposed to be on your best behavior!? YES, you are! But he's crazy, so what will he be like in the future?

Anyway, it's really, really difficult for me to sit back and watch her make these mistakes and go through heartache, especially since I want her to know what a real, true gentleman is. And she has a guy that's cute, sweet, smart that likes her, but she's still dating this trashball.

What do you do when you hate your siblings/best friend's/anyone close to you's significant other?

I understand after marriage, the SO becomes part of family, so I suppose you put on your game face and be nice?

It's creating a rift in our relationship, because my sister now doesn't want to tell me anything because I can't help but to lecture. :soapbox:

I'm backing of though, and letting her make her own mistakes, because I'm sure she'll make the right choice, but I just don't understand what the point is of dating such a jerk when there's amazing guys out there. And I don't want her to miss out on this other guy who is a great guy, because she's fallen prey to this creep.

Re: hate is a strong word, but I do.

Ugh, this is a really tough situation. I dated a guy off-and-on for 2 years, who everyone in my life knew was the wrong person for me. He wasn't as big a jerk as what you describe, but he totally strung me along and took me for granted, and everyone around me could see it except me because I was stupid-in-luuuuuvvvvv...

I finally came to my senses on my own after he hurt me for the umpteenth time. And the good news is, I met my now-husband 6 weeks after our final breakup! :dinner:

Suck on that, loser ex! :P

Ahem, sorry to get sidetracked there. I hope your sister takes less time to see clearly than I did. Hopefully you can supportively guide her in ways that won't have her dig in her heels.

[Bittersweet]

Re: hate is a strong word, but I do.

I feel your pain. I'm in the same situation with my sister. It sucks. So, no advice just commiseration.

[SuzySunshine]

Re: hate is a strong word, but I do.

Unfortunately they have to make their own mistakes - we learned this the hard way with my older sister. Of course I don't think the family handled her situation well and if she hadn't married the jack ass she wouldn't have my nephew but she is now ten times better off then she was with him. She had to figure it out herself.

Hang in there!

[houseelf]

Re: hate is a strong word, but I do.

There is a fine line between biting your tongue, telling her what you really think, and tacitly condoning him by your silence. On one hand, you don't want her made to feel like she has to "protect" him. On the other hand, it is o.k. to very, very, very gently talk to her about his bad behavior and whether he is really good for her. I do not envy your position.

Kelly

[Stella]

Re: hate is a strong word, but I do.

I've been there with my best friend who is like a sister to me... It sucks. Eventually, she came to and made the right decision but it still sucked in the meantime.

[planet]

Re: hate is a strong word, but I do.

:therethere:

Ugh. So hard. I dated some JERKS in college and it all came back to low self esteem. Just keep reassuring her she's fabulous by all the unconditional love you give her. Pump up her self confidence outside of her relationship. You can make your feelings about the jerk clear by not including their relationship in your relationship. If she ever directly confronts you about that then give her a soft, honest answer. She'll come around. You're a good sister to care so much.

Great advice. Even if she doesn't come around, you'll just help her out more by helping her to feel valuable enough to want to be treated better. My sister made some very poor choices, but when I tried to offer advice or steer her toward different ones, she saw it as attacking and completely withdrew. Sometimes things work out too and people change. Good luck. It is hard to stand by and see.

Re: hate is a strong word, but I do.

This sounds a lot like something going on with my sister in law a while back. It's a tough situation because you don't want to alienate her, but you also want her to be safe. The problem here is this guy is abusive. There's no other way around it, and although it might not be physical, it could be. Regardless, the emotional abuse is bad enough. You have to try to protect her any way you can.

Google the signs of an abuser or of abuse. You might be surprised how many categories your sister's relationship falls into. That helped make it clear for us, and our family, which is quite large, was on verge of an intervention. We figured she might get pissed at us, maybe even disown us, but hopefully it will open some eyes and if something bad happened we didn't just stand there with our eyes covered. She ended up leaving him on her own (I think she caught wind of how unhappy the family was and that helped), so it never came to those blows.

But at the very least you have to keep reassuring her of your love and support.