Spacing out kids

[Ladybug122]

A question for the group...

For those of you with more than one child, or planning to have more than one child, what do you think is a good space of time between kids? Our first came a little earlier than we had planned , and at the time, I swore I wan't going to have more kids until he was 7. Well, let's just say he'll be two in January and I'm starting to think about having another one. DH has already mentioned a second baby to me, but I'm just not sure. I come from a family of 6 (NOT that I want 6 kids) with lots of cousins. My siblings are so important to me, and I can't imagine life without them, so I definately want my kids to have siblings. That being said...we are 2 years into 6 or 7 years of training, counting fellowship, and it's not easy raising kids when your spouse is never around...and family is not local (closest family is 1 1/2 hours away). Not to mention the cost of daycare is INSANE, and I don't think we can afford 2 kids in daycare full-time (my take-home pay would be ridiculously low compared to the hours I had to work). So, I think we'd have to figure out a way for me to SAH should baby #2 come along before DH becomes an attending.
I think about this a lot, and I was wondering if anyone out there had any advice?

[MDPhDWife]

Re: Spacing out kids

Our DD's are almost exactly 3 years apart and it has been a great age spread. They're best of friends :grouphug: (and worst of enemies :fight: ) and my older DD is old enough to help out in small ways.

Of course financial situations can be a whole other story. You might be surprised to find that you can be a SAH parent if you run some numbers and budget wisely. As for your DH not being around much, I think having 2 isn't much more difficult than having one. Some may even say it's easier as they will keep each other entertained.

[JaneDoe]

Re: Spacing out kids

Mine are 26 months apart and to be honest, I think it's a little too close. Two year olds still need their mommies alot and I found it hard to give my Dd the time she needed and care for a newborn. It was tough for me. I was exhausted.

That being said, if I could do it over I wouldn't change when we chose to have Ds. He came to us at the right time with regard to maternity leave/end of residency etc. We still plan to have a third child, but I will wait until there is a minimum of three years age difference.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: Spacing out kids

Mine are spaced 5.5 yrs between the oldest and the twins, then 3 yrs between the twins and the baby, Luke, who is now 3. The 5.5 yr spread saved my life, because she was able to really play independently and didn't need so much mommy stuff from me. I had enough to deal with with the twins, and that's when DH was only working about 55 hours in a non-medical job... Can not fathom doing that again with the medical career...

The spacing between the twins and Luke was good. The twins were mature enough to understand that they were "big kids" and they were proud of themselves, so they weren't so jealous as maybe they would have been had they been closer in age to Luke??? I don't know. The younger kids all play together pretty well, and it is at times easier to have the gang there to occupy one another.

IMO, going from 1 to 2 is more psychologically stressful than physically difficult. There is a big change from the mom being focused on one little guy to having a split focus. I'm not sure that the kids notice it too much, but I went through a lot of guilt over not being able to do everything for my oldest daughter when the twins came. (I mean, I used to get her warmed towels out of the dryer for after the bath and stuff like that. Now, the kids are lucky if I throw a towel on them at all. )

[migirl]

Re: Spacing out kids

Mine are 26 months apart and to be honest, I think it's a little too close.

Uh-oh. DS will be 26 months when the new baby comes. aranoid:

I don't have any personal experience to answer this question, but we wanted to have them fairly close together for a couple of reasons: (1) I'm 3 years older than my brother and it really feels too far apart (DH is 14 years older than his sister, that's definitely too far apart! ), (2) we wanted them to be close enough in age that they could be playmates and go through a lot of the different stages somewhat together. Everyone I've talked to with kids who are close together in age says that while it's really hard in the beginning, it pays off and is worth it when they get older. Plus, we won't be too old and decrepit by the time they all grow up and leave the house.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Spacing out kids

I couldn't bear to even talk about more kids with DH until DS was potty trained. I know it sounds really shallow and selfish, but I just couldn't stand the thought of handling two in diapers at the same time.

Within weeks of DS getting potty trained, though, I was ready to talk about more. I just feel my confidence returning.

[Vanquisher]

Re: Spacing out kids

I have a 6 year gap between my kids, and I could not be happier with it. They still play together, but there is no fighting or sibling rivalry, or at least it is minimal. The only thing that is harder about it is that they are at different life stages, so that can pull me in a lot of directions. I think the good FAR outweighs the bad though.

[Flynn]

Re: Spacing out kids

This is going to be a bit shorter than I'd like so I'll try make "extra" sense. I tend to ramble ...sometimes. (all the time?)

I think to a certain extent it's what you're used to as far as what's the best spacing between kids.

DD and DS are 24 months apart almost to the day. DS was a COMPLETE surprise. DH was on trauma and other than one night I can sort of remember, he's basically a miracle.

The first year of having two kids was absolutely without a doubt BRUTAL. However we were in an intense surgical fellowship -- so my perception is colored a bit. DH was never around.

With that being said I LOVE being a mom to a 5 and 3 year old (next week actually). I LOVE IT. We can do ONE activity that they both get jazzed about. They LOVE eachother and are best buds.

I'm having a ball right now.
Again, first year brutal.....now it's awesome.

[mommax3]

Re: Spacing out kids

My boys are all three years (plus a few weeks) apart. I always had two in diapers at the beginning, but not for long. I have enjoyed the space between #1 and #2, and #2 and #3, but the only drawback was that by the time #3 was born, #1 was in school and playing on a soccer team, and that added another layer of complexity to the already difficult task of having a newborn in the house. I think having such a large age spread between the oldest and youngest also contributed to us stopping after 3. As it was, I changed diapers for 10 years and had a child in preschool for 10 years solid. If I were doing it again, I *might have* tried to have them a little closer together so we could have had a fourth, but I can't imagine having had two during med school, or two during residency, so I don't really know how much I actually would change things. :huh:

Sally

Re: Spacing out kids

Mine are 17.5 months apart. Not planned (funny how many of us on a MEDICAL board have surprise babies!). It's gotten easier as time has gone on. I wouldn't change a thing though.

[Gwendolyn]

Re: Spacing out kids

I was distraught at first when I was ready when DH turned two and DH was not even kind of ready. (side note DS#1 was a suprise...I'll join the club ) My brother and I are two years apart and he is my very best friend. For me, that was an ideal model. Now two years later, I am grateful for the four-year seperation. Partially because of DS's hearing loss. I have had the time to be with him and really focus my energy on making sure he gets exactally what he needs (not always an easy task). If I think about where DS was even a year ago, this would have been alot harder. Also, career-wise, I couldn't have asked for a more ideal situation. I had initially planed on going gang busters into #3, but I think we will wait a few years again.

In my anxiety, I talked to everyone about age seperation. I think one of my first posts was asking this same question. The responses I got was that it doesn't really matter how far apart your children are. The key is that you foster a loving relationship between siblings. At least that is what I am hanging on to

Money and time is a whole other ball of wax...

[houseelf]

Re: Spacing out kids

We have almost five years and it is all we could have handled. My older child was in preschool, could put himself in his own booster, wiped his own bottom (in a boyish half-hearted effort anyway), and could get a juice box from the fridge. Most days I love the spread.

Still, I see my friends with "clusters" and they never have to worry about dragging kids to age inappropriate things like I do. I think you pick what you can handle and what God gives you.

Kelly

Re: Spacing out kids

Three and a half years and three years apart here and I agree with all of what Sally said. And the personality part per Tara -- that is the reason for the 3.5 years between the first and second. I could NOT fathom having a second child until she was two and a half. Things got remarkably easier since she was two and a half.

The parts that are hard -- the baby gets screwed out of a nap or we are all on naptime lockdown to accomodate her. I need to clone myself.

[Momo]

Re: Spacing out kids

DS1 & DD1 16mos & 1 day
DD1 & DD2 19 mos & 6 days
DD2 & DS2 just shy of 20mos
gap between #1 & #4 4years 7mos

I would have liked to spread them out a bit more...but then again when you have your first @ 32 and you think you want 5 you need toget busy !!

The 2, 3 & 5 year old all have fun together.
They all adore the baby...and for the most part all help me out to certain degrees w/ him... but then there is the constant worry of DD2 feeding him goldfish crackers

The first 2 were born during his first fellowship and an attending/professor year;the other two came when he was in private practice. I basically raise them on my own as he is usually out the door by 7:00 and not home until (we''ll let's see it 9:30 now and he's still doing consults) LATE.

We do not live by family& close friends (2,000 miles away). I pay my housekeeper to help me out from time to time and w/ out her I'd sink...I felt like I won the Mary Poppins/Hazel lottery, when my friend found her for me!!!

[Amiens]

Re: Spacing out kids

My first 2 are 19 months apart, and we planned it that way. DD#1 was a very easy baby/child, and we naively thought "Oh it's this easy let's do it again!" Well DS#1 ended up being our hardest baby, as a child he is very "passionate." DD#1 and DS#1 are the best of friends. In fact they play very well together, and I can leave them in the play room or they will hang out with me in the same room with no problems.

Because of DS#2 being more emotionally high maintenance than his older sister, there is a 2 1/2 year age spread between him and DS#2. I love the 2 1/2 yr age spread- DS#1 was able to get himself in and out of his car seat, dressed himself, and could help out. However, DS#1 will not play with DS#2 all that much- most of it is because of communication barriers- ie- the 20 month old is just now starting to get some words, etc. Now between DS#2 and DD#2 there is a 20 month age difference, and this was not planned. I wouldn't have chosen to have 2 kids close in age again, BUT looking at DS#2's personality, he needed it. As crazy as this sounds DD#2 calms DS#2 down, and helps him take a break from his wild and woolly crazy boy ways.

Oh and we had the first two in residency (4 year anesthesia), and 2 during the attending years. I don't know really if one was easier than the other- I will say scheduling for induction and time off was a lot easier to do post-training than during residency. Also, I have had minimal help from family- for #3 and #4 dh hired a nanny each to help out for a couple of hours.