Something I can't understand?

This week is my boyfriend's first set of exams and so he's been super busy studying this week. I've given him his space and let him call me when he's at a good stopping point...as long as we talk once a day, I'm okay with that. I've also ended up being really busy (my friend broke her foot! and my parents decided last minute to come visit me).

Last night on the phone with my boyfriend, we got in a discussion about how I can't understand what med school is really like since I'm not in med school myself. This came from him. He told me that people can try and understand, but they never really will. Although I understand this, I started crying b/c I again felt left out. I told him that I'm doing my best to be supportive, to encourage him, to give him space, but that if I can't really understand than why should I try so hard? Why tell me anything about med school if I'm not going to really understand what it's like?

After telling him this, he told me that he told me that he thinks I've been awesome. That I've been adjusting really well, been supportive and encouraging and that these little arguments aren't the end of the world and that we'll be a stronger couple from it.

The point of my story is...I'm wondering how all of you feel about this. Do you think that there are some things you just won't be able to understand fully? I know we both have our own lives...but I'm afraid (and I told him this) that we won't be as close b/c he's going through some things that I won't understand. Then again, I'm going through a lot that I'm not sure he can understand either.

Thoughts?
Sharon

[DCJenn]

Sharon-

I know there are lots of things about the medical field that I will never understand. I'm lucky in that I work in a semi-related field so there are some similar issues. But- I've never been to medical school and my master's degree was the easiest education I've ever received. I don't think that's so bad, either. (and there are things about my job that my husband has no idea about- things like how to develop budgets, manage people, etc- which are things he'll never have to do)

We have lots of dual physician families in my husbands residency and although they have intimate knowledge of what the other has gone through and is going through- even then the departments are so different!

I think it makes for dymanic conversations to have differing perspectives. You guys are still in the learning process. It is a huge adjustment and there are parts that you won't get and there will be parts that you'get' all too well. (Like internship year- unfortunately- we all get internship year!)

I'm sure Kelly will have some insight as well- since they did law school and med school at the same time!

Jenn[/quote]

[houseelf]

Sharon,

Ah, the first wave of exam stress. Just remember that you all are still sorthing this process out. He has only been in medical school for a few weeks now. Things will find their own peace at some point.

Just to let you know that you are not alone, my hubby often tells me "you just don't understand what I am going through". I have heard this statement enough over the years that I've become a little jaded by it. (PLEASE forgive me if I come of a tad cynical---I've been going through a little funk now that a Minnesota winter is emminent and my mom has gone home). Anyway, I refuse to accept this statement from him anymore. In truth, he doesn't understand what I am going through either. We are very different people who happen to love each other and are trying to join two individual lives. I am a quasi-single parent in a new city practicing public interest law and following my dream of becoming a marathoner. He is a bright, passionate, and dedicated surgeon chasing down his dream of being on the "cutting edge" of his profession. (no pun intended). Somehow we have to learn to accept that we don't actually understand the other's life and yet learn how to support it. In my mind, it is an easy out to say,"you just don't understand". I tell him "Make me understand or at least make me aware of what you need from me." This shouldn't be a guessing game and we should be in this together as much as possible. I don't want to live entirely separate lives just because I don't live in the same circumstances that he does. Even if I had total comprehension of the challenges that he faces, i.e. if I were a surgical resident as well, I'm sure that we would face a different, equally compelling obstacle in our relationship as well.

Lots of couples have been through far more stressful times than we have ever known and have grown closer and stronger BECAUSE of the experience. The key is to grow closer as a couple during these hard times, not push each other away.

I guess that you can say that I'm still sorting out the answer on this one.

Kelly

[SueC]

I never thought about it that way--we've never actually talked about it. Although you will never understand completely the stress of medical school (unless you enroll!) and he will never truly understand what it is like to be the partner who often gets placed second on the list, that doesn't mean you should be made to feel completely on the outside. I think the guys who go through all of this with a partner sometimes forget how fortunate they are to have us by their side! The singles who go through med school and residency have to pay the bills, grocery shop, pick up their dry cleaning, while those with a partner can push off some of those responsibilities onto us. I think we greatly reduce their stress load (while of course increasing ours). Then again, I guess the single student or resident doesn't have that other person needing them. Oh well, I still think they fare much better with us than without us! I sort of went off on a tangent, but I think my take home message is that even if we can't truly sympathize with them, we can still empathize with what they're going through--heck we're going through it also to an extent! Just like if you had a friend experiencing a terrible illness or loss, you might not be able to totally understand, but that doesn't mean you can't do your best to support them!

[Auspicious]

You are not alone in this one at all! My boyfriend went through his first set of exams LAST week (they went fine and he did well), and I'd love to say our relationship is sailing through this stressful time, but that's not even remotely true.

At our house the insanity is taking a slightly different form: my boyfriend is finding that many of his med school classmates come from a far more priviledged background than he does, and he's having a hard time not resenting it. I think many people who grow up under difficult circumstances forever after have nagging doubts that they'll ever catch up to everyone else, no matter how hard they work or what they do. Add to that a competetive situation like med school, and . . .

Well, stress makes people do crazy things, and he basically started lumping ME into this group, stopping just short of saying that all of my accomplishments had been handed to me. I won't go into all the reasons that's the furthest thing from reality, but I was not pleased. And this is very out of character for him--normally he's my biggest supporter.

Reading your post, I think there's a common theme here that our poor first years are in a hardcore sink-or-swim situation, and it must be very tough to realize that the success of the situation rests entirely on their own shoulders and not yet have any tangible evidence that they're going to be able to handle it. It seems almost logical that they'll feel almost inconsolably isolated. And of course it's hard on us to be unable to fix that--the last thing you want your significant other to feel is alone in the world.

I think what everyone else is saying here is very apt--that you don't have to perfectly understand someone's experience in order to support them. And, according to your boyfriend, you've BEEN very supportive and he appreciates it. I think that what's going to happen is that as they get their feet under them and figure this whole med school thing out, they won't NEED us to understand. The situation will just be less scary to them by then. And it makes sense that if we just doggedly keep communicating through this rough time ("If I don't understand, then please explain further--I WANT to understand.") then we'll eventually come out the other side of this closer rather than further apart. It's hard, though. Definitely.

Hang in there.

THANKS SO MUCH for your responses! You're all right that I don't have to necessarily be going through it to be supportive. I am going through it with him, just in a different capacity.

I think I need to let some things go and know that I can't relate to everything, but I can listen and offer encouragement. I also think a lot of times that my bf just needs to vent. It's just hard because I'm seeing him really really stressed out and that's new to both of us. Usually I'm the one freaking out and being snippy. So when he was being short with me on the phone, I wasn't used to it.

It's exactly as you guys have said. A lot will be learned just by going through it and working it out. This is new to both of us so we're both going to have to figure things out as we go along too. I'm definitely hoping that it'll make us a stronger couple!