Is it OK to vent?

Hi everybody,

I hope it's OK to vent here once in a while. Everybody always seems so upbeat and positive, so I'd hate to put a damper on things. But I guess I just need to get this out and ask for opinions/insight/advice.

My BF Jay is presently going thru his residency process. He wants to go into Neuro, sooo he's got an Early Match "to look forward to." He's starting to get some interviews now. As of today, he's got interviews scheduled for Yale, Johns Hopkins, Mayo, Cleveland Clinic, and Tulane. He's really excited and I'm so excited for him. BUT .... I feel so far away from him and not just in the geographical sense. I don't know if you recall my story (from the Intro page), but he and I are in an LDR. He's going to med school in Philly, while I'm getting my MBA and working FT in L.A. I've offered to go with him to some interviews for moral support, but the bulk of his interviews are around my Finals and busy time @ work. To compound it, he and I can't get our schedules in sync to be able to see each other just for a relaxing weekend. Then when I try to call him on the phone, he's always on the run doing this, doing that, running here, going there.
I feel as if I'm a big source of support for him, yet it's not reciprocated. Have any of you ever felt this way in your relationships? Have any of you at one point wondered whether this lifestyle was for you? Any insight you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

Dures

[houseelf]

Dures,

I'm giggling at your statement:

"Everybody always seems so upbeat and positive, so I'd hate to put a damper on things"

Can I email this to my hubby? I'm sure that he may see things differently. I keep on joking that my user name should be "Little Miss Sunshine" NOT!

All kidding aside, venting is a big part of why we're here. Yes, we are all blessed with wonderful things going on in our lives: marriages, kids, spirituality, careers, personal goals, etc. However, we come here because we are actively seeking support for something that isn't quite right in our lives. That is a basic truth of this web site. Whether society recognizes it or not, being the spouse of a doctor has some darn difficult aspects, to put it mildly. Since you are new here, you don't have the insight of a few years of people going through difficult times in their lives. Seriously, no matter what you told us was going on, I can guarantee that someone else has either been through it here or is going through it.

My personal suggestion is to go into the private forums like the "Call Room" or "Marriage Matters". You can even read some of the previous posts and know that you are in good company. Let me just leave you with this, you are not alone.

Kelly

Dures, let me tell you a story of when my husband was in his fourth year of med school. He had a rotation in which he had to go to a rural community about 80 miles away from home for a month! I would drive to see him on the weekends with the kids in tow. He was living in an itty bitty motel room and the kids were sleeping in sleeping bags when we visited.

I remember the loneliness I felt during the week and one time when he called I was in tears telling him how sad and all alone I felt and said "I don't think I make a very good doctor's wife" sob sob sob...and then he told me, "You know what? I don't think I would love you if you were." While a "good doctor's wife" was never defined by either of us we both knew then that we would make it together. And it is those tough times that you can look back on with pride. I know I do.

[DCJenn]

There is no better place to vent!

I completely understand where you are coming from. When my husband was gone for those many months, while he was interviewing and applying for residency it was really frustrating to not to be a part of it.

It's very difficult and unfortunately there aren't any great solutions. Tey to keep the lines of communication open and let him know that you care and are willing to support him in any way that you can. That's really all you can do. Even if you were there, this process can't really be 'shared'. Somewhere we had a long post about this very thing not too long ago.

Keep venting here and let us know what's happening.

Jenn

I've absolutely had and still have doubts about whether or not I have "what it takes" to be with a doctor. My bf has only been in school since the end of August and I've already had instances of thinking that I can't do this, I can't be a good supportive girlfriend. I'm not allowed to ask for encouragement from him b/c he has too much to think about and what's going on in my life pales in comparison. It's all on my shoulders to make this relationship work b/c I have to be constantly supportive, understanding and I have to put his needs before mine. I worry that I won't be able to make it through all of his training and that we'll go through a ton only to break up someday.

Then I talk to my bf, tell him how I feel and why...and I realize that we're working on this together. I also realize that he appreciates everything I'm doing...he doesn't think I'm being unsupportive by "freaking out." Knowing that there will be ups and downs and there will be doubts and insecurities, even resentment...is okay with me as long as I can work through them with him.

I was hesitant at first, but I'm starting to believe that the bumps in the road (and I know there will be many more that are huge) will make us stronger as a couple. I also think that relationships are hard and aren't perfect...and to even find someone who I love and who loves me in return is rare so we both know that it'll take dedication to make things work.

You are not alone...is absolutely right. I hope that venting helps....and to hear others on this board say, "I totally understand."

Hang in there!
Sharon

[PrincessFiona]

Venting....

Everybody always seems so upbeat and positive, so I'd hate to put a damper on things.

Wow...I'm going to have to print that out!!

Let me say that I have certainly done more than my share of venting around here....it is what has helped me make it through the hard times! I find that when I get it off of my chest that I am able to distance myself from the issue and move forward.

This whole process is extremely challenging and we all deal with it in our own ways....there is plenty of upbeat support and honest discussion here. I will add you to the private forums usergroup....you can feel free to just...let it out. We have all been there...and if we can't help, we can at least let you know that you are not alone.

This past week, I had a resident make a comment to me...I was photocopying an article for my lab late at night and we had a nice conversation....somehow our talk turned to my husband and his profession...and my husband is someone that she knows. She told me that she couldn't believe that I was a doctor's wife, because I was "so, so...normal". I took a second to respond to her and then added that all doctor's wives are 'normal'...we just all go about dealing with the stress of residency/fellowship, etc...differently. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeves and am very laid back...I had my hear in a pony tail when we met and was dressed out in my grubbies......There is this perception that a doctor's wife is 'supposed to be' a certain way...and the more physician spouses that I meet, the more I realize that we are all in this together and we are all doing the very best that we can to cope with the stress of a medical marriage/relationship. At the end of the day, a 'good doctor's wife' takes many shapes and forms...

One of the most challenging aspects of being a 'doctor's wife' for me has been that the focus of our family and our lives has been his training and his career. Medicine is such an all-consuming profession that often during residency, my husband just did not have any emotional energy left to reciprocate the support.

Let me provide you with some hope: It does get better. My husband is extremely supportive of me now. (we are no longer in training)

You can do this.....I'll pop you into the private forums and we can all chat more if you'd like...

Kris

[Auspicious]

Re: Is it OK to vent?

I feel as if I'm a big source of support for him, yet it's not reciprocated. Have any of you ever felt this way in your relationships? Have any of you at one point wondered whether this lifestyle was for you?

Yes and yes. And I am SO glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

This whole issue of reciprocating support has played itself out in a very interesting way at our house over the past few months. This fall my boyfriend started med school and we moved in together and it quickly became apparent to me that I was doing everything and getting very little in return. I posted on the board about the housework, but it was actually happening on a lot of levels, and I was getting wicked unhappy. . . . and he just seemed like he was on the verge of drowning all the time.

I knew that something had to give, and it occured to me that in his professional life, he actually performs better the more others demand of him. When he had a rinky-dink job he really floundered, but when he started grad school and had an extremely demanding advisor/mentor, he started really thriving. A direct challenge really galvanizes and focuses him.

So I sat him down and was basically like "Look, I'm not going to forever pour myself into a relationship where I get nothing back. I know that the average person couldn't put so much effort into our relationship on top of everything you do for med school, but you're not an average person, and I think you're more than capable of handling both our relationship and med school." I basically told him that med school or no med school, I fully expected him to toe the line in our life together.

At the time I felt TERRIBLE taking this position with him--like a real shrew. It seemed so counterintuitive to raise my expectations of him when he was already struggling. But you can't argue with results, and I have to say things have been much better ever since then. He's not putting in any more time--which he simply doesn't have--but I can see him putting in more effort, which makes me not mind the littler inequalities in our relationship so much. He's happier because he's (rightfully) proud of what a strong boyfriend he is, and I'm happier because I don't feel like a martyr.

I think it goes back to the "good doctor's wife" issue. It looked to me like the "good" thing to do was be the long-suffering girlfriend, but I know that what he loves about me is that I'm not that way. When I looked more frankly at his personality and my personality, I was able to figure out a better solution for us.

Of course, maybe the whole thing will blow up during residency--who knows? I do still wonder if we'll make it. Never think that you're alone in feeling like you may not be cut out for this. It's rough.


Good luck. I'm eager to hear more.

Julie

Hi everybody. Thanks so much for the support...(m)

I'm really touched by the outpouring of kind words, advice, insight. I admit, at first, I was a bit nervous about venting, as I didn't want to sound like a spoil sport or nag. But I'm glad that you all have validated my "emotional outburst." That means alot to me

Thanks again

Dures

[Meenah]

Wow, I have these feelings weekly!!!! We are not in training, but the lifestyle is the same. My husband is triple boarded, Pulmonary/Internal Medicine/Critical Care. Our lives revolve around the hospital. On some days I feel that I give so much and get so little. Other days I realize how much I do get. It is a constant roller coaster. I also work at the hospital, I'm a nurse part time in ER and part time Endoscopy. This does help a little bit in understanding the hours, but when I am feeling down, not much helps. Venting here has become part of my lifestyle!!!

Luanne

Hi Luanne. Thanks for your firsthand insight.

You're right - it is a constant rollercoaster. But I'm glad to have found this Board for support.

Dures

Dures,

I might be a little delayed in responding to your post, but I thought I would chime in anyway. I think everyone on this site knows how you feel, I know that I do. There have been several times throughout the last two years where I have questioned whether or not I am capable of living this kind of lifestyle. Especially when I begin to look at the future and realize that we are not even near being "done" with Aashish's training. I say "we", because I believe that Aashish's career and education are a team effort. We both sacrifice...we both benefit...we are in this together. Though I have to admit, there have been times where I have felt I came dead last on his list of priorities. And my family and friends have endured countless phone calls listening to me vent. I KNOW that I am not what anyone would picture as a doctor's wife. But I have begun to believe that most people out there have no idea what being involved with a doctor really entails. Seems to me that a great deal of people think that being with a doctor means that you have the "easy life". They fail to realize that doctor's spouses work extremely hard to keep the relationship healthy and to assist their significant other to achieve their dream. I guess I am doing a little bit of venting myself here, lol. Keep your head up Dures! Things always have a way of working out for the best. And feel free to vent here anytime. As far as I am concerned.....there is no better place to do just that!


Rachel

[SueC]

I know I have done my share of venting!!! I don't how I coped before I found this board.
That is so true what Rachel said about people's misconceptions of being a doctor's wife. I have had so many people say or insinuate that I "hit the jackpot" by marrying a doctor, but they're not the ones going to bed alone at night and dealing with the joys and frustrations of parenthood alone a lot of the time!!!

Thanks, Rachel & Sue, for sharing your thoughts...(m)

(big sigh) I know exactly how it feels to feel as if you come in last place on your SO's priority list. I feel sorry for my family & friends because they have to hear me complain alot. Some days are definitely better than others, though. I'm fortunate to have great family & friends, as well as lots of homework to keep me distracted.

Thanks again for sharing the sentiment. I'm really liking this board!