HELP!!!

I am still finding it so difficult to deal with not seeing my husband. Lately, he has been going to the library a lot to study because staying at home "causes too many distractions". With this being his second year of med school, he says it is a lot harder and requires a lot more time studying. I want to try and see him every chance I get, but whenever he comes home, I seem to be the last thing he wants to deal with. I hope this is just the stress... so, here comes the hard question. With the amount of time spent away, has anyone ever questioned their SO's faithfulness??? I keep trying to put it out of my mind and stop debating it (I admit that I am a person who's mind loves to imagine worst case scenarios), but it is not easy. It is especially hard to do this with everything happening together, which everyone else I have read seems to agree upon(i.e. the time away, the lack of reciprocity, decreased attention, etc.). HELP!!!

I don't think it's that....

Hi Becky,

I haven't had a chance to welcome you yet on the Intro page. So welcome !! I'm relatively new to this Board, too; but I've found it to be extremely supportive. It'll be nice to have another member to "talk to."

About your question, I don't know your husband personally, but from what you've told us, I don't think he's using his studies or library-time to cheat on you. I think he really does need to study and the library is as good a place as you can get to have complete concentration. Some people need the absolute quiet and solitude of a library in order to study, whereas some people enjoy the busy ambience of a Starbucks to study. I think it really depends on the person. Have you thought about perhaps going with him to study? I recall you mentioning in your previous post that you are a PT student; so maybe if you went with him, you'd feel much better. Maybe you can also make a deal with him - study one day at the library, study the next day at home. Thus, you'd have alternating schedules.

I do want you to know that I really empathize with you. I feel lots of angst about not seeing my BF enough too. Our situation is compounded by the fact that we're in an LDR. He's a 4th year med student in PA, while I'm getting my MBA and working FT in CA. But I do recall his 2nd year; and yes, he was ALWAYS, ALWAYS at the library. I would get really upset when I'd visit him for a weekend and he'd drag me to the library ALL day. Back then, I thought he was just an overzealous student. After all, it's not as if his roommates (who are also med students) were studying that much. I've since come to realize that this is normal for med students . After a while, though, he & I did compromise. Instead of spending ALL day at the library, we'd study hard for about 5hrs., then go out for dinner and a movie.

I hope this helps you a bit. Keep us posted.

Dures

[DCJenn]

Becky-

Different study styles can really impact a relatioship. I am the absolute quiet, don't even turn on a radio kind of studier, my husband can have the radio, the TV, the animals crawling all over him. I get REALLY annoyed when I'm bothered when I'm studying also- Like super-duper angry and resentful because I really need to not be interupted if I'm going to get it.

I think offering to go with him isn't a bad idea, if you really do commit to actually studying. You won't be able to talk to him like you would at home- so think about it.

It's almost easier to think that they are cheating, off drinking, whatever than to think that they are ignoring us for school/work. But medicine is really hard and the first and second year of medical school are the washout times. If you make it through the first two years then the last two aren't so difficult. (but wait until internship- whew- it's a whole new sort of hell)

Like everyone has said- just keep the lines of communication open.

I agree completely with Dures. I was going to suggest the same thing of going to the library with him to study. I paid a babysitter for a full day and spent it in the library. He studied for his test and I worked on planning his 3rd year rotation schedule. It was worth it just being together even if we didn't spend a lot of time talking. We took study breaks together and we ate a picnic lunch outside of the school.

The 2nd year is very busy. My husband said it was like trying to drink from a fire hose!!! There is so much information and it is very difficult for the med students to get through all the material. My husband was ALWAYS at the library the 2nd year. He would try to come home for dinner but if he felt too pressed to study, we would bring dinner to him and he would take a 30 minute break eating and playing a little basketball with the kids right at school. Then I would haul the kids home and he would hit the books again.

This is a big adjustment period for both of you. I think studying with him would be a great idea and maybe bring dinner sometime for a study break. Hang in there!!!

Robin

[PrincessFiona]

re: help

I think that the time issue was the most difficult challenge that we faced during training....I felt like I waited for him to come home...and then when he did come home, he was tired or had to read.....I know that it wasn't that he was trying to 'avoid' me....I knew that it was important, but I couldn't help but feel....neglected .

I agree with everyone about going to the library with him...find some books to read, write an article or two for the website 8) .....plot out the next few years of your life.....just do it together...then maybe you guys can have lunch together.

During residency, I went up for dinner almost every night that my husband had call...kids in tow.....we ate together and spent a little time in his call room...we even stayed sometimes and watched tv until he got back....this gave us a chance to see each other and talk and the kids a chance to see dad. We were one of the only families that did this, but I didn't care....and I would do it like that again in a heartbeat......

I know this is a tough adjustment...you can come here and vent anytime!

I'll add you to the private forums as well.

Kris

Thank you... it is very hard. It is something I need to get used to. I guess I am just going through the initial transition phase, and whew, I think it is by far one of the most difficult things I have EVER had to do! I definitely agree with the library idea... I do have studying of my own to do. Believe it or not, his school does not allow visitors beyond the "visitation area" within the first few feet of the front doors!!! So, unfortunately, it is not an option!

[SueC]

I think studying with him is a good idea--my dh and I used to study together when we were in school. I've let my imagination wander wondering if my husband was cheating during particularly demanding months, and let me tell you he is the last man on the face of the earth that would cheat on his wife. His absence just gave me too much time to think, and since he wasn't physically present, I wasn't getting the daily reassurance I needed (not that I needed him to constantly tell me he was faithful--just the pecks on the cheek and telling me he loved me that made me feel our relationship was okay). So unless there is some other evidence making you think he would be cheating, try not to base it on his absence alone, otherwise you will be battling this for years to come!!!
Oh yeah, I haven't had a chance to welcome you either! I think you'll love the support here. We have something in common by the way--I'm an OT, though I haven't practiced since my first child was born.