What am I getting myself into?

Hi, I am relatively new to this "having a relationship with a doctor" thing. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months and have started to talk about marraige. At first when he brought it up and tried to expain to me that one of the reasons that he didn't have a serious relationship was because he was really busy and wasn't sure how much he would have left to give to me. My response was (naive me) "Honey we can work through that I understand that there will be some sacrifice!" Now three months later I realize that it's hard to even see each other (let alone work through anything) when there are 2 days of clinic, a Fellowship, a research project, 8 days of OB/MED-PEDS/addiction consult call a month, a day of methdone treatments every week, attending physician for residents 6 to 12 days a month, oh and almost forgot getting his PHD. Is life always this crazy when when you choose to be with one of the "Doctors"? Don't get me wrong I care about RB very much. I take this marraige deal very serious though and want to know what I am getting myself into. How do you deal with everyday life with these guys and still feel loved, and wanted, and appriciated? Have "date nights"? Leave notes saying "buy girlfriend/wife flowers"? What are the things that you wish you knew before you got married?

[PrincessFiona]

Welcome!

Hi Jax...welcome to the boards...

well, there are definately some challenges associated with being in a medical relationship...Time is definately of the essence and one of the biggest sources of stress in our marriage has been related to the time together factor...this has been compounded by the fact that we moved several times and have small children......I don't regret going through medical training, but it was a very stressful time in our lives....

I speak to you though from the 'light' at the end of the tunnel...it DOES get better!! The trick is really in finding things that work for you to help you get through it...go up and have dinner with him when he's on call if you can, go to the library and study together.....and try and make the most of the time that you do have together...relationships need to be nurtured in order to grow and thrive and medical marriages are no different.....It's ok to make sacrifices in your marriage for the sake of your spouse's career...but you will want to be sure and nurture yourself and your marriage too!

We are just now getting back into the swing of 'date nights'....etc...

So...is your boyfriend currently doing a fellowship???

Kris

[houseelf]

"What are the things that you wish you knew before you got married?"

I've contemplated this very question many times and in truth, it is a learn by doing process. The truth: a medical marriage presents some very unique challenges. However, if you are lucky enough to find the right person, it is completely worth the undertaking. You have to take a calculated chance on life. Marriage, while wonderful, is difficult in that two completely different people negotiate their way through life with two different belief systems, desires, etc. The key is communication, compromise, and sharing. Really. There are no secrets.

In short, if he is "the one", you make it work, even when you're tired, frustrated, and worn out. Then you will have the satisfaction of carving out your own life with the one that you love.

Good luck with your decision.

Kelly

Kris,
Yup he is in a Fellowship. He was medical director at a methadone clinic for almost two years but decided that he wanted to get more involved in public health and policy making. His energy level truely amazes me. What area does your hubby work in?

random thoughts

Jax,

First of, if he is in fellowship then I presume he only has one year left so I think you're in good shape. First of since you have a lot of questions on your mind I would recommend that you guys stay engaged for about 12 months. I strongly urge for people who didn't start with their beloved ones since the beginning of medical school to take it slowly and to make sure u REALLY know what u r getting into. I love my wife but if I were to meet her say a few months ago, I don't even know if I would have wanted to be with her cause of her schedule. Since however I have been through everything (since undergrads) then I am real comfortable with things. Anyway random thoughts... take your time and even if u get engaged wait for 12 months oh and if u have your own career that u r serious about then wait even a bit longer. Competing careers are dangerous.

Now then what are some of the things u should know before getting with a doctor (and remember my wife is an anesthesiologist so this advice is for anyone who got to know someone in med school and up)

1. Your priorities have to be less important then your partners. Med school, residency is mission critical so there will be many times when u will have to let them do their own thing.

2. careers are dangerous... if both of you have a career thats very time demanding then sooner or later this becomes a serious friction point. Also, if you want to have a family in the future then make sure one of u will want to budge and make the time to raise the family. I am very fortunate since I run my own business, http://www.webpagecreation.org hence I set my own hours and my own level of work AND I can work during the hours of when Carol is on call or doing other stuff.

3. heck thats all I can think of so there is no 3.

Med students / residents / doctors are one of the highest divorce professions so be careful. They are very time and energy intensive so you have to learn to live with a different set of expectations and different means of enjoying one another. I think my comments are always slightly negative on this board but I'll tell you that working on my relationship with Carol has been fantastic and I've been with her for almost 8 years and I love every moment of it. Whats also real cool is that because she has very little R&R time we always plan these kick ass trips to truly enjoy our free time (Thailand, BC, Singapore, Vegas, South Korea, NYC, Boston, Malaysia and so on...).

bottom line... take your time, seriously take your time. remember that you are in direct competition for their time with their careers so think about that too.

OK tahts all for now.

Booooom!
Filip

[DCJenn]

Hi there!

Well, to dovetail what everyone else has said, this medical relationship is surely unique!

I have a career and as I have posted somewhere else here- my husband's career will impact my life and my career significantly more than mine will ever impact his. We're certainly not going to move because I can get a great job and have him try to transfer to a different Army Hospital! But, when he transfers to a new Army hospital, guess who's career is going to move?!

I think it's critical to have a transportable career. You will find that most of us here are either stay at home parents, stay at home parents who have figured out how to bring in income from home, or people like me who have jobs that can go anywhere. There are some lawyers and nurses here and while they are transportable they do have licensing/bar requirements that the rest of us don't!

If he's in fellowship then you're about done with the training part- not that it gets a whole lot easier, according to what I've read here- but it is better once they are done. Take your time, and make sure that you know what his expectations of you are and what your expectations of him are. Make sure that it's OK with you if he needs to work over holidays or if you can imagine your husband working on your anniversary, birthday, his birthday, and New Years Day, and the day your family arrives in town to visit (all of which happened during my husband's internship year!)- because it might just happen!

It can be a roller coaster, but for me, I'd rather be with him on this wild ride than not.

Jenn

Here's my $.02

Hi Jax and welcome

I don't know how much more advice I can offer you since everybody has pretty much covered all the bases. I agree with alot of what has already been written. Moreover, I just wanted to let you know that I can totally, totally relate to how you're feeling right now.

My BF & I have been dating for 2.5 years and have since discussed marriage. Moreover, we're presently in a long distance relationship- with him finishing up med school in PA, while I'm in CA working and going to grad school for my MBA. (Gee, can you tell by my little avatar ) When Jay & I first started dating (right after his 1st year in med school), I had a similar sentiment as you - "We can do this. We can overcome these obstacles." But as time elapsed, doubt started to creep in. There were so many times that I questioned whether I was cut out for this kind of a lifestyle. Sure, the distance aggravated the situation. But I remember a number of weekends when I visited him in Philly and we ended up spending ENTIRE weekends at the library. Believe me, I didn't travel 3,000 miles to study in the library. Then, when he finally started on his rotations, the library was replaced by "Call." I'd visit him for a weekend and we'd plan a nice evening out. I would expect him back by a certain time - only to be disappointed. (What a surprise!!!)

I wish I had found this Forum back then. For the longest time, I thought I was just "high-maintenance" (Jay may still argue that, tho ) But what I was experiencing was normal angst experienced by many SOs of medical professionals.
Looking back on my relationship with Jay, I wouldn't change much. There are still moments when I doubt whether I can do this, though. I get scared about alot of things. He's now heading into interviews for residency (he wants to go into Neuro) - which excites & scares me. I get scared of the long hours he'll inevitably be putting in. I get scared of being dragged to a new city and being essentially alone as he works 100hrs/wk. I get scared of not being able to find a comparable job in the new city. (Unfortunately, the industry I"m in and my present occupation are inflexible. My line of work dictates that I be in a metropolis with a good capital market structure/system.) Finally, I get scared of sacrificing so much of me and my identity for the sake of his.

Boy, I hope this isn't coming across as a diatribe. These are just my unvarnished sentiments. As for you, I'm glad that you're trying to make an educated and informed decision about your relationship, as opposed to thinking love can conquer all. I think you're on the right track in assessing whether this is for you or not. As I mentioned before, I echo alot of the same sentiments that others have already voiced (e.g. being patient, understanding, flexible, communicative). I agree with Flip in that you ought to really understand what you'd be getting yourself into and to give it some time to sink in. Perhaps you can discuss your concerns with your BF and see what he has to say. One of the reasons Jay and I have lasted was because of all the reassurances he gave me along the way when I'd start to question the situation. As the others have stated, honest & open communication is key.

I don't know how much I've helped you with this long post. But just know you're not alone in your concern.

Good luck!

Dures

You ask what I wish I knew before I got married. Well, I wish I knew how much people can change, or to state more accurately, how much residency or just being a doctor can change a person. The long hours and the incredible pressure can really change what you started with.

My advice would be to get to know your bf inside and out before you say yes to a proposal and be absolutley sure he is the right one for you. Also, be sure to get an education and work on your career. I can't tell you how much more miserable I would be if I wasn't busy with my work.

Hope this helps. Good luck. [/quote][/code]

Hi Laura,

Read your post and was intrigued by this comment:

Well, I wish I knew how much people can change, or to state more accurately, how much residency or just being a doctor can change a person. The long hours and the incredible pressure can really change what you started with.

I'm not married to my BF yet, but just this weekend he & were talking about it again (i.e. when, where to live, other logistical details). When I really, really think about it, I get nervous & scared about what awaits me as a medical wife. I've posted here a number of times - asking what others wish they knew before marrying their SO's. I just read your comments and thought what an interesting point. How do you think the doctor "thing" changed your husband? In what way i.e. ego, outlook, etc.? Was it due to the status or the sheer pressure of his occupation or both?

Thanks.

Dures

Everyone has really great responses. I wanted to quickly add one thing that has helped me tremendously over the last few years. Don't expect too much and you will save yourself a LOT of disappointment. I don't really expect too many date nights (we usually end up going out to a cheap restaurant and renting a movie only to have him fall asleep halfway through) and well, I'm still working on the flowers! It is now a running joke between us: "Hmm. . .boy, would I love for someone to bring me flowers" He usually hates to stop anywhere on the way home because he just wants to GET HOME! Heck, that's all right with me! I have just had to learn how to entertain myself and how to become much more independent than I ever thought I would be after marriage. However, if this is sounding negative, ask me if it is all worth it? ABSOLUTELY.

I think that's a great question and topic of discussion. How has med school/residency, etc., changed your spouse/significant other? For the better/worse? As a gf of a first-year med student, I have a long road ahead.

Sharon

So much good stuff here already...

The one thing that comes to mind for me--my husband and I met when he was at 28 contemplating med school and taking the classes to qualify --is to really truly make decisions together. While there's lots of stuff you can't choose, the things you can merit totally shared input. It helps to have similar values (like how important family and relationship are), but when you don't, it has helped me to know my needs/wants are respected. Lowers resentment in the long run.

I agree that it helps also to find as much time together as possible--I can feel the difference when my dh is on a rotation where I can't visit easily on call nights (like CCU). During some parts of med school we did actualy have date nights--which also often weren't much more than a cheap dinner out and browsing the local bookstores. Mostly I think they protected us from having to feel or be social with the outside world on Fridays when we were both usually exhausted anyway. (I have a non-medical friend, by the way, who has a toddler and 6 month old twins, and she and her husband have a breakfast date out of the house once a week).

Another random bit of info: I met a woman a few years ago who was engaged to a fellow. When I told her I had just married a 3rd year med student and was a bit anxious about residency she laughed and said: Oh we broke up for residency, then got back together afterward. (!!)

Last advice, seconding someone elses's: don't rush. You can be together, close and committed without getting married yet.

Trust yourself.
Kate