Medical School is More Important then YOU! so what...

gjberche,

Maybe in haste I used the term "whipped" but couldn't at the moment come up with a word to bescribe the advise given by certain male members to spouses to just face the fact that Medical school is more important than you, and to just cook your spouse a nice meal, have a warm cozy bed waiting, bubble bath and whatever else makes SO happy. I don't feel a female would give this kind of advise. I believe we feel marriage is a partnership and that one should not bow down to the other just because one is a physician. That mentality was fine in the 1950's but not now. It just rubbed me the wrong way and the comment was not directed towards you although you are a new male member. Sorry if I offended you.

[DCJenn]

Only if we can sing Kumbya or however you spell it.

Jenn

[Meenah]

WOW,
I don't even know what to say here. My husband's first marriage did not survive fellowship and the beginning of a practice. (He didn't even meet her until he was a fellow, so they didn't have to endure school or internship) but they didn't survive fellowship and establishing a practice, because she wanted to be FIRST no matter what, and he couldn't /wouldn't do that. I also find it difficult at times, but I do understand the time & hours because I am a Critical Care nurse. My fist marriage didn't survive because we didn't work as a team, and my husband was an International Businessman / traveler. I do hope we have learned something about give and take. By the way, today is our second anniversary, and I worked a double and he is STILL at the hospital (it is 1am here).
Luanne

[houseelf]

Luanne!!!

Congrats on your anniversary!

Kelly

[Vishenka69]

Hi everyone,

Can't tell you how happy I am to finally find someone who understands me. None of my friends are in "medical" relationships and it's very hard to talk to them.

I could really use some words of encouragement from all of the married women out there. We're currently in the process of planning our wedding and there have been a number of times when I really question going forward.

I agree with the statement that "Many people think doctors are highly intelligent, but most doctors are incapable of doing anything but being a doctor." However, it only refers to those doctors who went to med school right after college and never lived by themselves (like my FH). Whenever he does the dishes he trumpets about it for weeks and acts like he deserves a medal. I forgot when was the last time we had a conversation that was not about his medical career. When I try to bring the conversation to what still needs to be done for the wedding, he screams and stumps his feet that he can't be bothered. That's when I miss his surgical rotation and having lots of quite time to myself.

His excuse for not helping (i.e. doing things he doesn't like) is that ever since he started college he didn't have a life. But I feel that it's not my fault, it was his choice and I shouldn't be punished for it by having all the chores dumped on me. For the past couple of years I don't even feel second. I'm really counting it will change at least after residency. Does it?

Second best?

I'm still a newbie, so you'll have to excuse my naivety.

My BF and I are only in his 3rd year of med school, but years 1 and 2 we're pretty tough for us. I was in PA and he was in Maine, and he was studying ALL THE TIME! But I never felt second best, or less important than the his schooling/career. He still called me nearly every night, even if it was just to say "I love you and goodnight." And when I would visit, he would make sure that he could dedicate most of his weekend to me, not to the books.

Based on my limited experience I would say that your relationship doesn't have to take a backseat to your SO's career, but then again we haven't been through the dreaded internship year yet!

We live together in PA now, so everything's peachy. Even though he sometimes works long hours, it's more regular than it will be in the future. Plus, I'm seeing him every day now, as opposed to once every 5 or 6 weeks like I was before! We've been through a lot already, so I know we can survive whatever life brings us. Am I totally cheesy or what?!

Okay, I don't have a bunch of experience as Dh is an intern ... but here goes. First, intern year is supposed to be pretty hard on relationships and I can honestly say, after 5 months that isn't SO bad. It depends on what speciality, which program and which rotation ... really. This month DH is doing Internal Med - Cardiology and it is a breeze .

But in general, my advice is to treat your SO as a friend ... if they are doing things that irritate you, tell them ... don't get all mushy and start crying or get upset ... just tell them straight without any drama. And don't harbor your feelings or repress them ... if you feel like you are pulling more than your fair share, tell them - once. But you know what, if you aren't married yet then think long and hard about your future lifestyle. It might not be fair that you will have to put a few things (or maybe a lot of things) in your life on the back burner and do more around the house and raise the kids and cook the food, blah, blah, blah. It might not be fair ... but that is really how it is probably going to be for a while until their training is over. You really need to think long term ... the worse case scenario is that training could be 10 or so years after med school (ie. cardiothoracic surgeon or ped neurosurgeon) ... can you wait that long to have a spouse who is more "there" for you?

Some ladies were married before their DH started off into medicine and didn't have a lot of choices. But if you are thinking of marriage to someone in med school, well then you know what you are getting yourself into. I personally love it ... I don't mind taking care of the house and bills and cooking and sending out birthday cards and planning our social life. But you need sit down and see if this works for you.

And remember, there are many ladies here who have actually made it through the other side of training here on the boards ... so it must be doable

Aisha

[mommax3]

I just wanted to chime in with a little food for thought. My husband and I were married during his undergrad (right after I graduated from college) and at that point, he wasn't even sure he was going to med school. So we had some time together before the "madness" began. I haven't been in your exact situation, but after 12 years of marriage and a lot of time spent with other medical spouses, I do have some observations......

The person you marry is not likely to change for the better after marriage -- if anything, they will start to look less attractive after the "glow" has worn off. So, if someone seems self-absorbed and unwilling to help out before marriage, they are not likely to change those behaviors after marriage.

Only you can determine how much of the undesirable stuff is due to medicine, and how much is due to bad habits, selfishness, etc. When my husband was working 125 hours a week during residency, I readily gave him a pass on most things at home because he was exhausted and really had better things to do with his (limited) time than take out the trash -- however, I knew that when he was rested, he DID help, (and had in the past -- before residency) so that made doing it all myself a little easier because I knew it wouldn't be that way forever -- although sometimes it felt like it.

I have seen a lot of medical spouses enable their spouses' undesirable habits by making excuses for them for four (or more) years, and it never works out well for them in the end. They spend that time building up expectations of how things will be different after residency, while their spouse spends the time solidifying bad habits and the attitude that "because I am a doctor, I am God and cannot be expected to be troubled with the things of mere mortals." Inevitably, these couples have a rude awakening once residency is over -- some overcome it through a lot of work and maybe counseling, others don't.

I survived by trying to balance being empathetic for my best friend who sometimes did not have time to eat or go to the bathroom during the day with what was reasonable for me to expect from our marriage. We tried to make each other a priority, not the chores around the house, and I think that helped a lot. Now that he has been out of residency about a year and a half, we are happy and the differences I have noticed are the ones I expected -- he is less tired and around more. Because of that, I get more help, but I don't count on it 24/7 because if he is on call, I am on my own.

Your fiance's excuse for not doing things to help ("because ever since he started college he hasn't had a life") is bogus -- he has had exactly the life he chose. He needs to decide if he wants to choose a life as a married man -- it takes 100% from both partners, 100% of the time, to make it work. There is a difference between giving someone the space to pursue their dream and sacrificing your needs and wants to someone else. Keep communicating -- that is the only way to keep things going. Let us know how things work out.

Sally

[Vishenka69]

Mommax3, we've been together for over 5 years, so the "glow" has worn off a while back. I completely understand when our medical SO have barely time to sleep and eat let alone wash the floors. I've only began to get really upset and resentfull when 4th year of med school began. Ever since we moved in, he's been promising that as soon as 4th year hits he'll be doing his share of the housework and helping out. So far he's been sitting at home for 3 months watching TV and surfing the net. That's what irritating. When I mention the housework that needs to be done or the wedding, he gets annoyed and tells me that he never gets to do stuff he likes and wants to have fun. I just want him to start taking responsibility for stuff and start acting like an adult.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[DCJenn]

Vishenka-

We all struggle with the fine line between being understanding and being enablers! It's extremely frustrating, whether they're overwhelmed or just cranky. The garbage still needs to be taken out and the dog walked. We all understand- some days are better than others-

Jenn

Vishenka,

who would be doing all this for him if you were not around?

There is support and sacrifice for someone you love, and then there is being taken for granted.

We all have our choices in life and you can't be expected to take on more than your fair share because he chose medicine and had to sacrifice some leisure time.

a very provocative topic though, I am not even going to start on what I think....................

[Vishenka69]

Just wanted to stop by and say how grateful I am that this site exists. After reading my post and your support replies, he actually felt bad and has been cleaning for the past couple of days (and making less of of a mess in general). Now I just have to figure out how to make him keep going.