Confused and needs advice...

Hi, I am new here and was reading some of the posts and found them very helpful. I msyelf am not married to a doctor but have been in a three-year relationship with a med student for three years now and do get very saddened and upset many times and most of the time want to give up. At this point, thinking about our relationship does not give me any feeling of comfort, happiness or security. Instead when I think about our relationship I feel very scared and sad. I am afraid I am making the wrong decision that I will regret for the rest of my life.

I thought writing and getting some advice would help me get some perspective as none of my friends are in a similar situation and just tell me if you love him stay with him and if you don't then end it with him. Of course, as many of you know, love is only one small piece of the bigger picture and, in my opinion, is not enough to hold a difficult and stressful relationship together. I feel even worse that most of my friends are in very nurturing and supportive relationships. They actually get to be picked up by their significant others, have dinner anytime or most times, be taken care of when they're sick,...

In my relationship, I see my boyfriend once a month. I used to visit him once of twice a week where he goes to school. I live in NY and he lives in NJ. But as much as we both enjoyed seeing each other more, he found it to be distracting and I found it to be lonely and not worth the effort. I'd commute after work from NY and he would pick me up from the train station, drop me off at his apartment, and leave to go to the library to return only after I'd fallen asleep. I've read that many of you study with your SOs but that would not work with us.

At this point, we are still unmarried. And am not sure if this is worth it. It doesn't help my resolve to be with him that there are other men who are available and can be supportive and be there for me and have fun (at any time without guilt) and who are interested in me. I do really love my bf and do not want to be with anyone else but I also don't want to make the wrong decision and feel this way for the rest of my life.

Any advice anyone can give would help me...

It seems to me that deep in your heart you already know what you want to do. You know that it takes more than just love to sustain a healthy relationship. You are saddened when you think of your relationship. You have other options (available men) with no burden of medical training commitment. You've listed a myriad of things that basically give more cons than pros to this relationshiip. And there's nothing wrong with that. At least you aren't turning a blind eye to what you perceive to be troublesome.

Being the other half of someone in med school/in training isn't easy. They've made a commitment to their career. There are a lot of necessary sacrifices on both your parts. If you don't want to make these sacrifices (not that there's anything wrong with that either), then don't.

It sounds to me like you are contemplating moving on but either fear hurting him or feeling like you've invested 3 years into this relationship, being with him is more comfortable because that's what you know. And it's scary to venture out into the unknown.

Have you discussed your feelings with him at all? What are his thoughts? How does he make you feel secure even when he isn't available?

And by the way, as far as everybody else's relationship looking better, I think no relationship is perfect and everyone has to work at it. We all have our struggles.

These are only my opinions but I wish you luck in your struggle. I don't think there aren't any right answers.

Can I TOTALLY Relate

Hello and welcome

Glad you found us! I'm relatively new to the Forum, too, but have found it to be Heaven-sent. I wish I had found it 2.5 years ago when I first started dating my BF, Jay. I echoed and (still do) the same sentiments you just voiced. (See my latest "echo" - "What am I getting myself into?")

What you are feeling is totally normal. I often find myself missing the spontaneity, closeness, and nurturing of a "normal" relationship. Compounding our situation is that Jay and I are in a long distance relationship. But the fact that he is also in medical school and is ALWAYS busy does not help at all.

While I do love him and can certainly see myself settling down with him, I don't fool myself into thinking that love will conquer all. I think leading with 1/2 the heart, and 1/2 the head is preferable to leading with just one or the other. What's helped me to keep my sanity these past 2 1/2 yrs. has been open & honest communication with Jay. He's very aware of my feelings. He knows that I sometimes have doubts about whether I can live this sort of lifestyle. He also knows that it's important for me to have an identity separate from his. As I always tell him, I don't only want to be known as "the GF or wife of a doctor."
I've also developed sooo much more patience and tolerance after having dated him these past 2 1/2 years. I think you'd almost have to have an abundance of those traits to be with a medical professional; because they are so tied to their work and because of their crazy schedules.

BTW, what year is your BF? Is he in his clinical years? Perhaps you can help him research some rotations or specialties. Help him plan his schedule. When Jay was still in second year, we'd talk about certain specialties and how they'd affect our "together time." I'd help him conduct research on programs offering really good rotations in his field of interest. I'd also always ask about what he was studying, what kinds of procedures he helped out with that day, his colleagues, his attendings, etc. In other words, I tried to "be there" with him by learning as much as I could about his work. He's always told me that he appreciates the interest I take in his career.

Have you also talked to your BF about your feelings? While he may be busy, I'm sure he'd also want to know about how you are feeling. Open & honest communication are key in any relationship, esp. in a highly stressful one such as a medical relationship.

Also, can you talk to some of his classmates/friends in school? Get a feel for how their days are like. I remember feeling very annoyed at Jay's sometimes short and abrupt phone calls. I mentioned it to one of his female classmates and she was like, "oh yeah, sometimes, 5 minutes is all we can spare!" While that didn't sound truly comforting, at least I knew Jay wasn't just giving excuses not to talk.

Whether you should stick it out or not is such a personal decision. It's a decision that only you can arrive at. You're on the right track, though. You're trying to educate yourself further about life as a physican's GF or wife. I'd really evaluate who you are (i.e. what are you willing to accept? Are you prepared to be alone alot? and if so, for how long? Are you OK with their crazy and frenetic schedules? How flexible are you about potentially having to move for HIS career? or to even take a backseat to his career?) Some things to think about.... I've often pondered the same questions. I recently asked my best friend if she could see me in this role and her response was "Well, if you really love him...." If it could be that easy....

Anyway, good luck in your decision-making process. Hope this long post helped you a bit. Just know you're not alone in your angst. Feel free to post whenever you need to just vent or share ideas/insight.

Take care.

Dures

[PrincessFiona]

medical training

Well, it sounds like you guys are really going through a rough patch right now. It doesn't help that you are trying to keep the flame of romance burning 8) at a distance. I agree with everyone that you need to sit down and talk with your boyfriend about how you feel....and maybe hear how he is handling things as well.

Maybe it would be possible for you to move to NJ? At least you would have the opportunity to be closer to each other...for the times that he isn't busy in the library studying.....If he knows how you feel about him studying when you visit, maybe he'd be willing to work his studty schedule in such a way that you could go out that night instead? The key is definately for you two to talk about it.

It sounds like things are really tough...hang in there, and let us know how things are going.

Kris

It sounds like you know what you want to do in your heart. I would suggest talking to him and really finding out what both of you are looking for in a relationship. I have heard of many couples who continue to date even though they both want an "out" - then they both feel refreshed when it is a mutual decision to seek other people.

I will also take the unpopular path and argue that love does conquer a lot in a relationship. I have been with my husband since his 3rd year of med school. We dated and were engaged (long distance relationship - I only saw him one weekend every month or two for two years) until we got married during his 3rd year of residency. There is no other rational explanation for how we made it work other than love! I would not have been willing to go through all of those months and the current months if I didn't love this man beyond imagination!

Why don't you schedule some serious talk time with your boyfriend and have a heart to heart? Good luck!!

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your responses. It helps a lot to hear from others and that they can relate. I'm so glad my friend told me about this forum. Dures, it's amazing that you survive not just being with a med student but living so far apart. I don't think I can do that at all if I am having so many problems now and we just live a train ride away.

I agree with everyone it does help to be open and communicate and while it's not my nature to be that way I have grown a lot and have been able to express my concerns with him on a regular basis. Believe it or not, I have tried to end our relationship several times in the past two years. He is now a 2nd-year student. He knows how miserable I am but realistically there is little he can do. It seems I always bring up my issues when I am at my wit's end and we agree to end the relationship. But afterwards, either he or I change our mind and decide we can sacrifice more. He ends up agreeing to try harder to meet my needs and I agree to try harder to be more accepting and not be so high maintenance. And at that time, it makes sense because both of us do love and want to be with each other.

But the truth is communicating can only help so much because nothing really changes unless our circumstances change so every time things revert back to the usual it gets even more frustrating and I get more nervous and guilty to bring anything up next time around. You know it feels awful to always have to complain especially since I know that he has not done anything technically wrong and is just trying his hardest to do well.

To top it off, he is not the best at making me feel secure. I know he loves me very much and wants to be with me long-term. But when he does have free time, understandably, I am only one among several other people he has to see about. He tries to juggle me, friends and family. Logically, that's a good thing as he is trying to be balanced. But I can’t help but feel hurt when I haven't seen him in weeks and he has a free day and instead wants to hang out with his friends or family. Or most times with me but including his friends and family.

I guess there is no right or wrong. At this point, I am not sure. I don’t want my happiness to depend on his schedule. It seems like if I become a dr's wife, this is what will happen. I'm sure there are few support groups for wives of other professionals. In any case, I have learned a lot from him. I used to be motivated to stay with him by telling myself at least I am learning to be more patient, forgiving, and sacrificing and am learning tons about pain and suffering that other people don;'t get to learn ; ). But don't think I want to keep learning those things for the rest of my life.

Also, for now I don't feel too bad if I stay with him but I am afraid for the future. I don't want to end up feeling like I don't have a husband and if we have kids like I am raising them on my own. It's not great now but it's still ok cause at least I don't have children to worry about, I have friends and I live independently. But I'm afraid if we lived together I'll have no one to talk to and just be waiting at him for him with no support for myself or my kids. How do those with kids do it? Honestly, is it miserable most of the time? I mean, I know I can have other interests but there's only so many hobbies I can take up. But at the end of the day you still want to have the feeling that your significant other is there for you.

Sorry to be so depressing. I'm sure if everything works out well I'll be on the cheering and encouraging side next time I post. Thanks again for everyone's suggestions and help.

Hi again...

First of all, I commend you for being so honest with your feelings. It sounds as if you've done alot of soul-searching and contemplation about your current situation. Gosh, I don't know what to say because it really is a hard decision. I don't want to say that you sound as if you are leaning towards one direction or the other. I think only you can tell that.

But I do want to assure you that by the sounds of it, you are most definitely NOT high-maintenance. There's nothing wrong or "needy" about you wanting to see your BF more or to spend more quality time with him. I term that "normal." Trust me, if you were "high maintenance" you would not have lasted this long with your BF. There's not alot of people who would be able to tolerate med students' or doctors' crazy schedules. I have a few girlfriends who dated doctors and their relationships (if you can call them that) lasted MONTHS- not years. So I think we're all a pretty special bunch to have lasted.

About you & your BF breaking-up and reconciling a few times, you guys are not alone in that. Jay & I have certainly had our rough patches as well. Sometimes, I think if it weren't for Jay, we wouldn't have lasted. I remember soon after we started dating (right before his 2nd year), I would have these panic attacks - where I'd just blurt out to him on the phone - "Sorry, but I don't think I can do this anymore!! Find someone else who is cut out to be a doctor's wife!" Thanks to this Board and TONS more patience and understanding, I"m more acepting of his crazy schedule.

Also, I can totally relate to your disappointment at having to share him with his other loved ones. If I wasn't sharing Jay with the "Library" or "hospital," I was sharing him with his family. I'd fly 2,700 miles to spend a weekend watching NASCAR racing with his ENTIRE family. Nothing against Jeff Gordon and the other NASCAR drivers, but watching them wasn't exactly my idea of a romantic weekend.

I don't know how much advice I can offer you since I'm in a similar position (as you can probably tell.) But I"m here to listen and commiserate if you feel the need. My MSN ID is dures_0713@hotmail.com if you want to IM me.

Hugs,
Dures

P.S.
One way I'm trying to "cope" with Jay's currently crazy residency-interviewing schedule is by going with him on some interviews. I figure I get to see him while offering him much-needed moral support and getting to see different cities. This Thursday, we're going to Atlanta (where he has an interview at Emory), then NYC (for NYU & Columbia).

[mommax3]

Hi,

I agree with Dures that you don't sound high maintenance to me at all, just normal. Only you can decide what you need to do, but if this guy is "the one", you will find that you have strength and endurance beyond what you would imagine you possess.

I have been married to my husband for 12 years and we have been through med school and residency together. He has been done with residency for a little over a year. We have three kids. I have not been miserable most of the time, although I have had my moments. I think being married during med school was easier than if we had been dating. He studied every night from 7 to 10 and every Saturday morning, but since we lived together, we got to spend enough time together. I was working as a teacher at that point in another city, about 45 minutes away, so I was busy too. We had our first child at the end of his second year of med school. That was when I really had to figure out how to be a medical spouse. I stayed home and was miserably lonely. I ended up getting more involved in the spouses' support group at his medical school, and I also eventually took a job as a nanny for a married pair of doctors that had four kids. That got me out of the house and through fourth year.

Residency is when his work hours really started to stink -- plus we had moved really far from our families, who had only been an hour away during med school. Putting my son in mom's day out two days a week saved my sanity, as did getting to know other spouses from my husband's program, getting involved in a church, and discovering the many things to do/places to go in my new city. Because of the demands my son (later sons) made on me during the day, I started to really treasure the solitude of being alone, which I think was crucial. Yes, there were days that I wondered how on earth I had ended up in my present situation, but I was committed to my husband (and knew he was wondering the same thing!) and took things a day (sometimes an hour) at a time and made it through. We had a second son at the end of my husband's intern year, and really, it was all pretty doable, especially because of the friendships I had built by that time. Certainly, it was an extreme period that I wouldn't want to repeat, but as each month ticked by, there was also a sense of accomplishment that we had survived it together.

As graduation from residency approached, I remember feeling a sense of impending release, not just from the rigors of that schedule, but from having to keep a stiff upper lip about all of the disappointments, missed dinners, missed time with the kids, etc. I told my husband at the time that I felt like once he was done, I would cry for about a week because of all the pent up stress I had from the four years. (I didn't, but obviously the time took its toll on me since I felt that way.) However, we made a lot of happy memories as a couple and as a family during residency, and my husband and I really grew and matured during that time. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Now my husband is a staff OB/GYN with the Air Force (I should have mentioned that earlier, because it made both med school and residency easier for us financially) and because of that, his schedule is pretty nice. I am sure it will be worse when he goes into private practice in a few years. We had a third son about six weeks after residency ended, and it has been a real joy to see my husband have so much time with him in his first year of life. I have OF COURSE enjoyed having my husband home more, but there have been adjustments that I have had to make since I don't have several evenings a week all to myself anymore! It is amazing, but you CAN come to embrace the thing you hate.

When you said that you were afraid that your happiness would always depend on your boyfriend/husband's schedule, that really rang a bell for me because I remember thinking the same thing. It is true to an extent, but happiness is also sometimes a matter of choice, or maybe it is that we can adjust the requirements we have for happiness. I am thankful that I have been able to be on this journey with my husband/best friend. We are closer as a result of it, and I feel stronger as a person. Not everyone can handle the lifestyle of a medical spouse -- I think all of the spouses here are a pretty special bunch!

If you really feel like this guy is your soulmate, and if you feel that you two are good communicators, then I believe it is doable. It is a different, and sometimes hard life, especially during the training years, but in my opinion not an unhappy one. Don't let worries about problems down the road rob you of a relationship if you think it has potential! After all, you have already found this group, so you know where to come for lots of advice! Also, please realize that a lot of the stories that you read here are people venting and that their lives are not that way 24-7. It is human nature to make a lot of noise when things aren't going our way, and not so much noise when we are happy. So keep that in mind as you read.

Hope this gives you more food for thought.

Sally

When you said that you were afraid that your happiness would always depend on your boyfriend/husband's schedule, that really rang a bell for me because I remember thinking the same thing. It is true to an extent, but happiness is also sometimes a matter of choice, or maybe it is that we can adjust the requirements we have for happiness.

that is perhaps one of the more challenging parts about being with someone in medicine...you are alone a lot of the time, and eventually you get used to being alone. for me i have adapted to this crazy sort of schedule. i do have hard nights when i feel sad and like crying. but i also have grown to enjoy a quiet night where i can listen to my music, have a bath, eat cereal for dinner if i want, etc. i have also become involved with other activities, eg. the gym and volunteering.

i moved to be with my then-boyfriend while he was in med school...then in dec. of his fourth year he proposed. looking back it all happened so quickly, and i don't think i realized exactly what being married to a doctor was all about. in fact, after 1-1/2 years of marriage i am starting to realize what a huge role his profession is for all of our major decisions, like when to have kids, where to live and what job markets are good for both of our careers (v. important since i am supporting us, mostly!) i don't regret it all...i feel that he and i were brought together to support each other through all of life's turmoil and joy. but married is a serious step.

my main advice is imagine yourself in both situations in 20 years...then ask yourself if you're happy envisualizing each scenario. But know that either way you will survive and be stronger for it. just follow your gut.