Looking for reasons to get married earlier in med school...

I actually described the situation in my journal on this site (that's right, Sandy's Journal!), but basically my boyfriend's mom is opposed to us getting married right after his first year of med school. Instead, she wants us to wait until he's done. That's forever and a day from now! (4 1/2 years actually.)

The only logical reason I can think of for why it should be earlier rather than later in med school is that I think he might have more free time. I certainly don't want to have to wait until he graduates--and don't want to have to deal with match day and uncertainty about where to move and getting a new job on top of planning a wedding. Plus, I wouldn't see much of him as it is if we were married. We know our parents wouldn't be able to handle us living together without being married, so we'd have to live apart. This would not fare well for our relationship, as we were counting on being around to support each other domestically (or rather me supporting him) and spend time together doing mundane things.

Am I totally wrong in my reasoning? I'd love to hear from others who know firsthand how med school students' schedules change, and where they think a wedding would fit in...

[DCJenn]

Most of our friends who were married in medical school married between 2nd and 3rd year. We married graduation weekend and the only way we were able to do it was because our wedding took place at my parent's house and we had a grand total of 33 people.

Jenn

Sandy-

My wife and I were married between her first and second year of medical school (actually it was closer to the start of her second year). I would advise this timeframe because your fiance would have just completed step 1 board exams. It is a perfect time. If you try to wait until later, he probably won't have a summer vacation (except, perhaps, between med school and residency). You'll also have to compete with step 2 boards, interviewing, graduation, moving, etc.

I would highly recommend summer between first and second year. It makes the whole relationship thing a lot easier if you are married, live together, etc. Just my opinion though. You can tell your boyfriend's mom that it would actually benefit her son if you got married sooner because, as you suggested, you could take care of all the mundane stuff (paying bills, grocery shopping, etc.) while he studies. So you are actually helping him do better in school. Everyone wins!

[mommax3]

My husband and I got married during undergrad for him, (I had just graduated) so I can't speak from experience here, but after having lived through all of it, I would agree with those who said somewhere in the first two years.

My biggest comment, though, as an "old" married woman (12 years) is that you and your boyfriend need to be making these decisions and your future mother-in-law should weigh in ONLY WHEN ASKED and even then, she should be diplomatic and pretty much leave it up to you two. You guys are the ones who will have to live with the decision, and letting his mom's opinion carry much weight now may mean that she will not be willing to butt out of your lives later on.

However, this is only my opinion after reading your post (I haven't read the journal) and I could be totally misconstruing things. I apologize if I am coming across too harshly!

Sally

[PrincessFiona]

sandy

Hi Sandy.....the journal is great, btw.....you and greg are really doing a great job!

My mil also did a lot of interfering early on....I think that now I have children, I realize that it is just hard to let go. She wanted the best for her children and she didn't realize that her interfering was putting such a wedge in the relationship between my dh and her and me and her...at the end of the day, it was our life and we were prepared to make the decision that was best for us.....when we announced that we were getting married, she was not supportive for a variety of reasons...most of which revolved around the fact that my dh was still a medical student (we married his internship year) and she was concerned for us financially, emotionally, etc.. She had lived through stressful years with her own husband which involved moving and having no money and was afraid for us....BUT her concern was expressed more as an OPINION...you shouldn't get married, you should do X, Y or Z...she even had opinions later on how I should/should not breastfeed my infant, etc...

At the end of the day, as hard as it is, recognize that she is really just concerned for her son and you...and wants the best for you and your relationships...it's just her METHOD that stinks. 8) You guys will need to make the decision that is best for you without including her in the decision process...just send her the invite and pick some fun wedding things for her to get involved in to feel a part of things. Listen respectfully to her opinion, take what is valuable from it and leave the rest...and then move on . I'm sure that it is not personal....though I remember feeling very personally offended myself 8) . I can tell you that my mil decided to boycott our wedding because we weren't doing what she wanted us to do....but the day before the wedding she changed her mind...and 9 years later, she and I get along very well...and I care for her very much....there is hope.

Kris

Getting married is like having kids--I don't think there is ever a perfect time for either. My husband and I have been married almost 13 years and we have been through it all (meaning med school, internship, residency, and now fellowship) together. We were married 6 months before he started med school. Most of his med school class mates that got married during med school did so between the 1st and 2nd years. This is the only real break they have--so if you want a honeymoon--even a short one-that is the time. I could have never waited until he was done with med school, nor would I have wanted to. Even though he was busy they were very happy years. Looking back over our 13 years together I would say that our most difficult year of marriage was during his internship year. You may want to keep that in mind. My best advice is for you and your fiance to decide when is the best time for you and go with it. We planned our wedding in 6 weeks and I wouldn't have changed a thing so don't let anyone tell you you need a year or more to plan a wedding. Good luck!

[Michele]

Russ and I are getting married in March. During my spring break. he actually has class that day. 8O But his mom was unsure at the beginning too. She was scared he would "not go to medical school or not finish." But I'm in vet school and he proposed and we're getting married and the closer it gets, the more she accepts it. I've known her for 11 years too. Russ and I met in 6th grade and have been friends since (we're a little weird. ) Oh by the way Russ is in his first year of medical school. We couldn't get married this summer because I'll be in clinics and then next summer I'm doing externships. We're going to be like a double medical marriage! I think it's the two of you that will have to work through any hard spots, not his mom, so if you two are commited and it's what you really want, then go for it. It's what you and he want that's important.

Michele

I would think it would be easier to marry right before 4th year... only because most 4th yrs. have much more time on their hands!

Most of the people we knew that got married did so after graduation and before starting their internship year... there's a pretty nice break there and with 4th yr. schedules being light, there was more time to plan...

...of course, you are also planning graduation, a possible move, and all that goes with it!

I say... do what is right for you!!!
Carey

[Meenah]

I say get married when the two of you want to get married, not Mom. If she controls this very personal, intimate decision, watch out.
Luanne

Sandy,

My fiancee and I were dealing with a somewhat similar situation last year. Although we do live together. My fiancee did not want to marry while still in medical school, and I felt that a three and a half year engagement was a bit too long for me. We went back and forth on the issue for a while, and have now reached an agreement. We plan to marry in a court ceremony in the middle of fourth year (next year). Then upon his graduation we intend to have a large Indian ceremony. This way we both get what we want. Waiting until after he graduates enables us to have the Indian ceremony, which lasts several days.....and have a long honeymoon. We both hope to have a month long honeymoon, though that might not work out exactly as planned. I am not sure when other's have married in medical school, but in my opinion, it would be extremely difficult, if not nearly impossible for us to marry this year. Aashish does not really have any extended breaks this year. Of course, I am speaking from very limited experience compared to some of the other's on this site. But I say, if you are going to get married while he is in med school, do it before third year. While it is wonderful and comforting to have your parent's support on something that means so much to you.....sometimes you just have to do what is right for you. And they will come around. Anyway, best of luck in selecting a date!

Rachel

[Vishenka69]

We're getting married after the match but before graduation (the Jewish calendar gives us two weekends to do this). I knew that before the match he won't be able to concentrate on anything and we have to move after graduation (not yet sure where). But we did move in before he started 2nd year. He had issues with not being able to support his family but I refused to wait until residency. I think this should be a mutual decision between the two of you.

Thanks for all of the support! We've pretty much stopped talking about it, because it was just stressing me out. (Although I did mumble a few things while reading a wedding magazine last night about not knowing what the point of reading it was when I won't be getting married for a long time.) I'm guessing right after first year is out for now, because apparently my parents aren't cool with the idea, which comes as something of a surprise. He says just before fourth year might be nice, and I just left it at that. We do joke about doing a civil ceremony at City Hall, and maybe we'll actually end up doing that before a more elaborate wedding--who knows!