The worst day I've had...

This past Saturday I had the worst day so far with my bf. It was the closest I've ever come to believing that I'm not going to be able to do this medical relationship thing. I was hesitant to post b/c the wounds are still fresh, but then I realized that this is what this community is for. To share not only the good times, but the bad ones too. Maybe I can gather some insight or at least learn from my experience and by sharing it.

It's a long story, but this past Saturday, my bf and I had our college homecoming. We both went to the same school, but we didn't know each other at school. In any case, on Sat. night I attended a formal as his date. My bf was in the band in college and this formal was for all band members and alum and their dates. I was super excited to get all dressed up, to see my bf in a tux (we have never gotten dressed up like this together) and to have a nice night out (and open bar..haha). I was also nervous b/c I was only going to know about 5 people there. To add further stress, one of my bf's close friends was in town visiting. I'm friends with her too, but they were inseparable before he was my bf. There's a lot of history there that I'm not a part of.

In any case, the night was a disaster. I felt left out the second my bf showed up at my place and the visiting friend was there too. Immediately, they were talking about things I had no idea about. My bf was treating me differently and the more he seemed to be different, the more I was upset. The night didn't get any better...I got drunk and that made me feel a little better, but not much. My bf was also wasted and he can get pretty worked up and opinionated and well, mean, when he's drinking and angry. So, we fought...and much was said about our relationship, my being unable to cope with a situation where I didn't feel comfortable and how this was going to continue to happen since there will be medical school events, doctor dinners, etc. I left the party (my girlfriends rescued me) and sat and cried and vented with two of my best girlfriends.

To add to my being upset, no one had seen my bf since they left the party. And he wasn't at his apt (I talked to his roommate) and he obviously wasn't at mine. He ended up showing up at my apt at 7 in the morning. He had passed out in a friend's hotel room (the party was at a hotel ballroom). I was so relieved that he was alive and okay that I forgot about all of the hurtful things we had done and said to each other until the next day.

This was the closest I've felt to thinking that I'm not made out for this. That I'm failing at being the gfriend that I want to be. That if I can't feel comfortable taking a step back and letting him hang out w/ his friend who's only in town for a couple days at a formal...then how am I supposed to deal with everything to come?

My bf and I talked about things yesterday. I told him everything...how I felt, how I was hurt, how I'm not sure I'm capable of doing this. He talked about how he feels and also offered much reassurance that we're working through this, it's new, that he loves me and cares about me and that we're working on this together.

I feel okay and I know that we'll be okay. I'm just nursing my wounds (my eyes still hurt from crying so much). Mostly, I just wanted to share this w/ all of you knowing that you'll all understand. Have any of you had experiences at doctor/med school related events feeling left out...and how did you cope? I tend to think of myself as outgoing, but sometimes it takes a lot of energy to be okay with "being in the background."

Thanks for listening...
Sharon

Wow, that was some weekend you had, Sharon. Glad to hear you guys talked it out and that things are on the mend.

As far as feeling left out, I know what you mean. Due to Dh's schedule, we don't go out much but when we do, it's often to other residents' homes or departmental parties and holiday events. I usually enjoy them because the food is awesome and I get to get OUT! But I remember several occasions where I felt left out because at these events all everyone would talk about was patients or procedures or engage in other medical lingo. I was bored to tears and later told him at a certain point it seems kind of rude to engage in long drawn out conversations in which I could not participate. And I hate that since I'm not part of his medical community, I feel so stupid and I know I'm not.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that that's just one of those things. One perk of being with a medical partner is the cool events you get to go to but you also have to sit there sometimes and not be a part of the conversation.

Anyway, hope you're feeling better. You're not alone.

[DCJenn]

Sharon-

Medical events are difficult- there are some people whose entire lives revolve around being a doctor and are incapable of normal conversation! We have made some awesome friends during my husband's residency and there have been times when I've had to remind them that I'm not fluent in their language. (I can do the equilvalent of order a beer and go to the bathroom in "medicalese")

I'm an outgoing person and my husband is almost abnormally shy so that adds to the pressure. I end up having to circulate more than I normally would so that he ends up circulating with me.

However, I have dragged him to functions where he knows no one and there's thousands of years of history that he's not a part of, and he's done OK.

I guess my point is that in your relationship you are going to have many uncomfortable moments socially- the medical part isn't really the biggest issue. It would be no different if he were in any other profession. You need to feel comfortable- that's the issue.

I can't promise that things will get any easier any time soon, but like we say, just keep communicating.

Jenn

Here's a Cyber-hug for ya'

Hey Sharon,

I hope you're feeling alot better now. What a weekend! I'm sorry that you had to go thru something like that -esp. that you had been so excited in the first place. Uugh....

I don't think you were out of place in your feelings of loneliness. I also don't think that this one incident is indicative of how well you'd be able to cope with being a doctor's wife. As Jenn said, something like this could happen to the SO of someone in a totally different occupation. I think it's how well both parties handle the situation. Also, don't totally blame ONLY yourself and think that YOU are a bad GF. I think quite the opposite is true.
I'm happy to hear that you & Frank resolved this situation and put it behind you both. Hopefully, when the next black-tie affair comes round (remember the Semi-Formal @ Temple in Feb. ), you'll both have much more fun.

As for your question about whether any of us have ever felt left out at a medical-related party, I don't think I have. But there has been an incident or two where I did feel a twinge of "hmmm... Okaaaay." It happened during dinner right before Jay's winter semi-formal. About 25 of us had gone out for a nice dinner right before the party. I was only one of two people who was not a med student. There were a few really obnoxious people at our table who blatantly flaunted on numerous occasions to any one who would listen (i.e. maitre'd or waitress or other diners) that this was a table full of soon-to-be doctors. Jay, a few of his other friends & I were appalled and embarassed. Fortunately, the offenders were only a few and most everybody at the table just rolled their eyes.

But during the party, there was a point, when Jay left me to fend for myself while he was chatting up classmates & friends. I stood there and tried to make small talk with whoever was standing by me. Needless to say, I was not pleased and he heard a word or two from me afterward.

But again, I attribute the above incidents to part of any normal relaitonship - be it with a lawyer, accountant, engineer, or fire fighter. I don't think it's exclusive to just medical professionals. So don't beat yourself up that you're not cut out to be a great girlfriend to a med student. I think you are!

Feel better,

Dures

I'm sorry your weekend didn't work out the way you wanted it to. We have two formal events at the hospital every year, and I always spend tons of time planning my outfit, reading the newspaper, doing my hair and nails, etc. (which I usually NEVER do). I always expect to have the most amazing time, and yes, it's usually fun but I always feel a little let down when it's over...sort of like, "all that and now it's over?" I think part of it is that I spend so much time thinking about it and stressing out about talking to the doctors and meeting people and chit-chating (my DH is on the shy/quiet side) that my expectations become too high. This is actually something I have to work on, with this type of thing and other things in my life.

Don't let one experience get you down!

Hope this helps.

Jill

[Auspicious]

Re: The worst day I've had...

[deleted]

Thanks to all of you for listening...and for responding. I think one of the most valuable things you all have done is to let me know I'm not alone and that I'm not a "bad" gfriend. I tend to have self-imposed and extremely high expectations of myself as a gf and this often leads to disappointment.

I'm feeling better although still emotional. I've learned a lot from this incident and luckily both my bf and I can talk about things openly. I also agree that it's on both of us...and that he should put more effort into making me comfortable and being there with me...and that I should put more effort into being on my own and making small talk.

You all brought up great points that ring so true for me. I agree that these situations will come up in most relationships...I had put a lot of pressure on the formal because it was the only significant time I was going to spend with my bf for 2 weeks (he has exams this week). Also b/c I was looking forward to a fun time for us together and neglected to realize that I had to share it with everyone there and his friend in town visiting. haha. In the future, in situations with med school, I think I'll be better prepared.

Thanks again for the support and encouragement...and for sharing your experiences...I'm learning!

Sharon

Re: The worst day I've had...

The night didn't get any better...I got drunk and that made me feel a little better, but not much. My bf was also wasted and he can get pretty worked up and opinionated and well, mean, when he's drinking and angry...

He ended up showing up at my apt at 7 in the morning. He had passed out in a friend's hotel room (the party was at a hotel ballroom).

Sharon- I know how hard it can be to feel left out, especially at reunions/homecoming/etc. My wife and I had different groups of friends in college too, so it is sometimes tricky to figure out how to allocate our time.

It struck me, though, that you both had a lot to drink that night. I am not judging you or your bf, but I know that alcohol doesn't help things. There are many times where my wife is on call, etc., and I am home alone. I'm usually not sad to be alone, but when I am, drinking is not the answer.

I hope things work out for you and your bf. I just felt like I should say something about the boozing. Heh heh, those college days! 8O

Greg-

Trust me, I put the "we were drunk" statements in there b/c it was an important factor into how the night went. We both know that the night would have progressed much differently if we were both sober. No question.

I think a lot of homecoming too is partying...and drinking...and the open bar didn't help.

I also didn't mean to give you the impression that I drink to avoid anything. I know that the same problems will be there if I wake up with a hangover or not.

Thanks for your response!
Sharon