Status and Ego

Hi there yall,

I'm actually a med student--a guy....please keep reading though...i'm being sincere!

I read some of your message threads and quickly realized how healthy this forum is so I thought I'd extend my thoughts with this community--who knows, maybe i'll strike a cord with some of you or get some helpful perspective....

I'm a third year student...and have been dating my beautiful girlfriend for over a year now and we are getting serious about the future together but I can't stop thinking about the fact that she is not going to be a physician...she's a physical therapy student. I really care for her and she embodies everything I'm looking for in a girl except her career--why am I so caught up in her occupation?? I see dual-physician-to-be couples out there and just wonder if I should end up with someone who will be a doctor. I guess you can call it a status thing and sort of a how-good-of-a- catch can you get issue even though I know she will be a wonderful wife. Does it sound like I'm worried more about other people's perceptions rather than whats important? I'd appreciate any perspective from the more-often thoughtful gender....thanks so much

[PrincessFiona]

An interesting perspective

This is an interesting perspective. I guess because you are currently in medical school you might be judging your girlfriend by the same standards that you are judging your fellow med students?

There are many careers out there that require the same brain/talent as that of physician 8) (though from time to time, from listening to my hubby it sounds like being a doctor is the only noble profession ) There are even stay-at-home moms who are extremely intelligent women but have made the choice to follow their own passions. It can be easy to get caught up in that kind of thinking when you are deeply involved in an activity. I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because your girlfriend isn't a medical student doesn't mean that she isn't intelligent and capable.

In the long run, you might be very appreciative that she has chosen a different path....you will be very busy as a physician...and raising children in one-physician families isn't monkey business....imagine the stress and strain of raising children in a two-physician family! We have known 4 couples where each partner was a physician, and only one of the marriages survived residency. The wife now only works 20 hours a week (less prestige and money :!: ) to take care of the children.

If you are really bothered by your girlfriend's lack of 'prestige', you may want to examine some of your own thought processes....how we define success in our lives is very individual. It does sound like you are very concerned with what people on the outside might think....and at the end of the day, there are so many opinions out there that the only thing that matters is what YOU think of your girlfriend. You'll always be able to find someone to give you the opposite perspective. If she went to med school, you'd find just as many critics as supporters...because it would mean that she might have to neglect some of her 'motherly duties'.

Well...sorry for the ramble...I'm interested in your thoughts...

Kris


Kris[/b]

PrincessFiona,

thanks so much for the response. You're right about the different opinions..and the fact that mine is the most important....i think some of my insecurity has to do with the expectations that i've built up for myself. I've always focused on achieving things throughout my life...whether it be in sports, music, and school, and I sometimes struggle with the fact that she is not as "well-accomplished" as I am--and that maybe I "deserve" someone with more accomplishment. Trust me, I know that I sound like the most egotistical ass#$%$ in the world but i want to be honest. On the other hand, I do realize how trivial those things are in the grand scheme of things, and in a relationship in particular. The problem is that I keep bouncing from one way of thinking to the other constantly....any other thoughts?

Hi there and Welcome -

Glad you found us

hmmm... about your question/post, I've got to admit that when I initially read it, I was taken aback. I am not in the medical field, but I have never considered myself intellectually inferior to and less successful than my boyfriend because of it. Nor does he think so. In fact, he always tells me that I am smarter than him.

About your situation, do you suppose that you are feeling this way toward your GF because she just isn't "The One?" Maybe it's not so much that she is **only** a Physical Therapist (which I've heard can be quite demanding!), but because she doesn't have the traits or chemistry that YOU are looking for.

I'm not going to lecture you about perception vs. reality. But as Kris stated already, it does sound as if you are more concerned with what others perceive you to be than what you truly want. No one is going to look down at you for dating **only** a PT. :!:

Anyway, that's just my $.02

hi mdtobe,
Hey I am glad you're honest. i'm sure a lot more people think that and just dont say it. Actually, I'm surprised that you're the first one so far who I know has voiced a concern like that. Well, I wouldn't feel too bad about it. It's human nature to be blinded and influenced by what others think (or you think they think) and by status and appearances.

But I do agree with Princess Fiona. I'veknown three doctor couples in my life and and two ended up divorced. One has had loads of marital problems including infidelities and depression and the third one is still together but the wife has had to work only part-time and she really considers herself more of a mom than a doctor. This is not to say if you marry a doctor you'll be unhappy but you definitely you'll start a marriage with more potential problems than other couples have.

I think if it's the prestige you're looking and that great feeling that you're married to a doctor and you can brag and boast about that at parties and family events, it's not worth it. That can only last so long and take your marriage so far. In the end, you need to be with someone considerate, kind, and whatever else are your desires for a life-long partner. When things get tough or you need her, it won't matter that she's qualified to do an appendectomy : )

So think about your gf. Are there any other qualities about her that you would not want in a life-long partner? Or would you not want to marry her only because she is not a doctor? If the latter's the case, then decide you'll think differently ; )

[houseelf]

mdtobe-

Your honesty is completely refreshing and I appreciate your articulation of emotions that we have all felt at one point or another. But here is my .02 on the subject, for whatever it is worth.

One of the last steps in being able to engage in a mature and meaningful relationship is getting real about what you absolutely need and want out of a partner. I used to date these preppy, easy-on-the-eyes, hard-on-the-heart types who were guys that met all of my qualifications for dating. Looking back, that list was incredibly superficial and had nothing to do with whether we would be happy. It seems like we all have this list of things that we want in a person that have nothing to do with whether a relationship will work. I can also tell you while my hubby is attractive, He definitely does not fit my idealized phenotype of 6'6" and blonde hair. In addition, maturity has made me realize that it matters not to me that my partner doesn't like many of the same things that I do. In fact, our individual interests help to keep our relationship thriving. Several broken hearts and unfulfilled relationships down the road, I realized that I wanted a kind, devoted, intelligent, and compassionate human being. In my humble opinion, if you have that in your partner, you should marry this girl ASAP. These are the things that matter over the long run.

Oh yeah, just for some added insight on the dual professional career thing (which, by the way, your girlfriend would qualify as a professional as a P.T. anyway) here is my .02. Same profession relationships are not all that they are cracked up to be. I am a lawyer and dated another law student during my first year of law school. Our conversations were insanely boring. "Gee, what a great torts class." PUHLEEZ. We knew all the same people and had nothing fresh to talk about. My hubby, a surgeon, feels the same way. He dated another medical student his first year of med school and vowed never to do that it again. We like that each one of us only have a glimmer of understanding about what the other does. We bring different experiences and different people into our relationship.

So, if this girl is right in every other aspect, search your heart for what you really want out of your marriage. I think that you will realize that you are lucky to have found everything that you really need. Best of luck.

Kelly

[DCJenn]

Hi there-

Wow- what a great topic! I am a spouse who works in the affiliated healthcare fields (like PT, etc). There are several dual physician marriages in my husband's program. Both people work so hard in their careers that I honestly don't know how they even find time to walk the dog. Here's an example of what happens, though. We went away for a weekend trip and stayed with two of the dual physician couples. Who called and made the reservation- I did. Who figured out the logisitics? I did. Who had time to bake brownies that we all submitted to the potluck? I did.

Just as I pay all of our bills, arrange or complete all of the repairs to our home, I take the animals to the vet, I walk the dog every night, I do the laundry 90% of the time, cook 97% of the time, clean the house. The fact of the matter is, I work very hard at my job, and am on-call 24/7 (significantly more than my husband!) but I am home more.

Our friends who are the dual physician couple have often said, not kidding, that they "need a wife". and they do. It takes a dedicated couple to make it through two internship years, two residencies, fellowships, job searches, etc. It can be done but it's hard.

Now, as for the girlfriend- I have never been looked down on because I wasn't a physician. As a matter of fact, I have had requests from people in my husband's department to share some information about what I do (run Group Homes for adults with developmental disabilities). I think that most of the people who are in the medical field appreciate the people who do different things. And I know that there's a deep respect for the affiliated healthcare fields. Who do you think refers people to PTs in the first place?!

As everyone else has stated, perhaps there's something else missing and it's easier to look at the 'outside' issues- like her career, than the 'inside' issues - personality, etc.

Let us know what you decide!

Jenn

Since everyone else has already said most of what I was going to say, I'll be brief... 1) You have to be intellectually compatible with your spouse. 2) Loving your spouse for what they do is not loving your spouse--it is loving what they do.

So if you like your gf, you find her interesting, you trust her, you appreciate her, then what else could you want? You will appreciate how she loves you much much more than what she does for a career. If you are really concerned about the "status thing" as you mentioned, then you should just buy matching S-Class Mercedes and live in a big house in a swanky neighborhood!

Well put....

I guess I don't have much to add..since many of you have covered what I would have said. I did mention this to my husband (who is a medical student)..and he said that his friends don't talk about marrying physicians. He said maybe a few do that he doesn't specifically associate with, but it definately does not seem to be a pre-requisite with the guys he knows. I don't really want to use the words he actually used To sum it, he says... if you love her, she is kind, compassionate,...whatever other qualities you deem important..that is what matters..Not her occupation.

I have been married for 5 years, and I didn't marry a Dr. I married a receptionist with no undergrad degree. I guess if I had looked to marry a prominent/prestigious, well salaried man, I wouldn't have married him, but I am totally in love, he is a wonderful father, and he is very supportive, as I am of him. And...look...now he is going to be a Doctor. Thank goodness..I didn't go looking to marry a doctor. Well..that is my $0.02.

P.S. I am an RN, studying to be a midwife, and mom.

All of these thoughtful responses are really appreciated....

I'm glad that I'm getting these ridiculous feelings out of my system now before embarking on our lives together. Whenever these thoughts entered my mind, I felt guilty and immoral, and hoped a stupid comment during a seldom love-spat would not reveal my insecurities. I can honestly say that I would have been with her and cherished her no matter what comments were posted on this thread, but reassurance was what I was seeking, and that I what I have received (call it being needy, insecure, or whatever) but we all go through this I think about one subject or another even as adults. As for me, I feel just as lucky today (this particular second for instance) as I did when I first met my gf. I love her and she will be my bride soon.

A heartful thanks for your posts. Take care and goodnight!

All of these thoughtful responses are really appreciated....

I'm glad that I'm getting these ridiculous feelings out of my system now before embarking on our lives together. Whenever these thoughts entered my mind, I felt guilty and immoral, and hoped a stupid comment during a seldom love-spat would not reveal my insecurities. I can honestly say that I would have been with her and cherished her no matter what comments were posted on this thread, but reassurance was what I was seeking, and that I what I have received (call it being needy, insecure, or whatever) but we all go through this I think about one subject or another even as adults. As for me, I feel just as lucky today (this particular second for instance) as I did when I first met my gf. I love her and she will be my bride soon.

A heartful thanks for your posts. Take care and goodnight!

Glad to hear that you worked things out...

and good luck to you both!