Some Hard Questions to Face....

Hi everybody,

I'm trying to get out this message before my airport shuttle van comes to pick me up. For the past week, I've been traveling with Jay (BF) to some of his residency interviews. I'm in NYC now -waiting to catch my flight back to L.A. - while Jay interviews at NYU & Columbia. He matches late Jan (I think Jan. 31 is Neurology match), so we're deep into interviewing season.

The other day, Jay brought up the topic of choosing a "mutually" agreeable city where we both can live. He just interviewed at Emory (in Atlanta) and both of us liked the city and he liked the program. But when he brought up the topic of where to move, I just got goose bumps. I'm almost dreading the thought - although it would bring our LDR to a close. I finish my MBA in Aug. 2003, so there would be nothing keeping me in L.A. other than a family I love dearly and my friends whom I also love dearly. But I'm scared about making a "drastic" move (all of Jay's interviews are East Coast programs) and being regretful or resentful later on. Jay is also worried about that, too. After reading the very honest and forthright posts in this Forum, I'm even more concerned. Although I think this man is The One, I want to go into this with my eyes wide open and with a clear mind. I'm a big-time romantic, but I'm also realistic. So I guess my questions for all of you are: :
"If you could do it all over again, what would you do differently?"
"If you had to do it all over again, what do you wish you knew back then that you know now."
"How did you deal with the anxiety of moving to a different city, state, country?"
Any other insight or advice you may have?

THanks in advance for the insight!

Dures

[DCJenn]

"If you could do it all over again, what would you do differently?"

I would do it essentially the same way.

"If you had to do it all over again, what do you wish you knew back then that you know now."

That three years goes more quickly than you think it will. That internship year really does suck- way more than you think it does while you're going through it. At the end you're kind of shell-shocked and then, you realize "My God, We survived- How did that happen?" That being your own person and having your own things to do is never more important.

"How did you deal with the anxiety of moving to a different city, state, country?"

This was a biggie for me as I had never lived anywhere other than the DC area, most of my family and all of my friends are there and here I was marrying this guy I met online and moving halfway across the country. Now, I'm really glad that I did because it forced me to be about me and us way more than it would have if we'd been at home. There I would have had everyone else to entertain me when he was working. Here, I had to do on my own. I was always independent but I learned that I entertain myself very well. I also learned that it doesn't matter where you live, the relationships that you have can grow regardless. I think my best friend and I are closer now, I know my brother and I are, and my mom and I talk almost everyday. Phone bills are a small price to pay in my mind! I also visit at least twice a year and they all come here at least once a year.

It can be done, but it is a huge life-changing event and you need to do what's right for you!

Jenn

Maybe the real question is can you be so far away from all of CA's sports teams, especially the Bruins?

Dures:

It took a leap of faith for me to move from the East Coast to the West Coast to be with my now husband when he took a residency in California. I am a homebody in a lot of ways, and I've always lived near family and friends. It was scary to move outside my comfort zone, but you know what? It totally opened me up to all these new experiences, new people, new ways of thinking. It sounds cliched to say that it broadened my horizons, but it did. Now, don't get me wrong, I'd much much much rather be back on the East Coast or in the South--I'm just not a Californian!--I'm glad that I took the chance and moved here. And by the way, I did this before we were even engaged, much less married. It did help that we'd been dating for 2 years, done some time long distance, and that we're both independent people with our own interests.

[Michele]

I'd be scared to move with out an engagement, but that might just be me. Otherwise I'm excited and scared about where we'll end up in 4 years. I know it's going to be far away from my mom and I know I will miss her a ton, as I do now and it's only a 4 hour drive. We probably won't end up in Florida and I've never really been anywhere else. I hope I can look back on where we move and think the happy things JenL described. The new experiences etc are kind of exciting to me, but scary too. Maybe I'm just a weenie...

Michele

there is a lot of anxiety about making the rank list...i will never forget that day and the tension around that conversation. we weren't even engaged yet! know that though the initial decision is scary, until match day you have no idea where you'll land, so stressing too much doesn't really do anything. you guys could end up at ANY of the places on the list. think long and hard about your list, and make a list that both of you can live with. this is the first step to your new life with your BF. once this is decided the balls really gets rolling! good luck, don't stress too much and know that your fate is sealed and thing will work out exactly how they're supposed to -- you can make it work

[Meenah]

Where in Philadelphia are you? By the way I love the name.
Luanne

Thanks!

Thanks everybody for your words of encouragement and support. I think I was feeling especially emotional yesterday, as I was leaving for the airport (and hence him! ) I'm feeling much better today, tho. I guess I just needed that daily grind of work and school to snap me out of it.

I read everybody's response carefully and have learned alot from each one. I do have to say that I am sooo impressed with all you ladies that moved for your husbands -even before you were married to him!!! I think that is really brave. Like Michelle said, though, I'd prefer to be engaged before making this life-altering decision (aka moving). Jay & I have talked marriage, but not anything specific yet (i.e. date). Being engaged would make the move more "palatable," but still wouldn't totally detract from the angst of moving from (almost) everything nearest & dearest (and Greg, you are right -this does include my So. CA sports teams )

He did compromise with me that he'd "select" cities where I can reasonably find work in my field/industry (Investments & Asset Mgt.) I don't want to be too intrusive about his matching decisions since he'll be the one ultimately having to work at the hospital. But I am glad that he's involving me in the process

So that's about it for now. I'm sure as we get deeper into interviewing/matching season, you'll be hearing more from me about this Moving topic.

Thanks again for listening

Dures

Hang in there, Dures. I promise that it can work out--especially if you keep an open mind. If I could make it all work out, you can, too!

When it came time to make that stressful Rank List, my partner and I had only been together for a little over a year. I knew that she was the 'one' and therefore I was willing to move almost anywhere if she found a program that she just 'loved' and felt like she could really fit in with.

I have lived all over (from Maine to S. Carolina to Texas to Louisiana to Florida) so moving again was really no big deal to me, except that I knew I would HATE to have to leave my family and friends. My partner was born and raised in Miami... and did undergrad in Tampa and med school in Gainesville... moving for her was a much bigger deal.

I knew that at worst, it was only 3 years. I also knew that I wanted to have significant part in the decision-making process because it was me that was going to be stuck-at-home-in-a-new-city-not-knowing-a-soul. My partner would be busy at the hospital...

The solution? She came up with the list of programs that she really liked. I looked over the list and told her where I could or could not live. I went into it with a very open mind... after all, this was a big adventure!

We ended up moving from Florida.... to California. That's a HUGE move. She found a program that she loved and I found a city that has so much to offer... we wanted something different. We felt that if we were going to make a 'big move' then it needed to be somewhere completely different from our current world.

Yes, it is/was stressful.... but I have loved every minute of it. Her program is great... they are fantastic to their residents... they don't work them to death... and therefore, we get to enjoy our adventure... this new city and being close to so many wonderful places in Northern California.

Look carefully at the cities he is looking at... let him know your feelings. Communication is the key to making this whole process a little easier for you both. I know my partner feels guilty about moving me so far away from my family and friends.... but ultimately, it was MY choice to move... that's why I had so much input on the Rank List.

I hope this helps! It IS such a stressful time... but, it is SO MUCH FUN as well!! Life is too short to not take risks... you might miss out on something great.

Carey

PS- As for the sports thing... Thank God for ESPN!!