do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

Just wondered what your experiences are with this. In the beginning, I avoided telling people b/c I thought it was bragging. But lately, when I can't avoid telling someone, it seems like they view it as a negative. We might have been having a great conversation, but as soon as they find out, they suddenly don't know what to say anymore!

I've also been offended by people's comments about doctors, before they know DH is one. I've had people say they'd never want to be married to a doctor b/c of the lifestyle, that a doctor they saw was too "green," that people should ditch evil doctors altogether and take herbs, yada yada. It may be worse for OBs than for other specialties because of the rise in home births and other factors. But I think in general, people think it's more acceptable to criticize doctors... maybe b/c "all that money" is a panacea? (I'd like see some of that money and give it a try! Just kidding.)

How do you deal with this, or avoid having it happen? I can imagine forever feeling isolated because of this. Does it get easier after you've actually lived in a place for a while and people get to know you??

[DCJenn]

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

Just read my signature.

I tell them nothing.

Jenn

[spotty_dog]

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

It depends on the circumstances. If I don't want to get into it, I say he works for the hospital. Usually though in a friendly situation I say "He's a physician, in training to be an emergency doctor." That usually avoids the "he's a student" or "he's a rich dawkter" stereotypes.

My playgroup moms know about his crazy schedule, and they know that he's making a salary but not a "dawkter salary". We find common ground that way, it's definitely not a stigma.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

I tell them nothing.

Jenn

Ditto.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

My oldest daughter's friends think it's kind of disgusting and cool that DH is a surgeon. Of course, their experience with surgery is limited to Trauma Center Wii games...

I usually tell people where my DH works, "he works at X hospital", and they just assume since we're obviously not wealthy that he's maybe a tech or something. That's A-OK with me.

Seriously, though, growing up the kid of a doctor, I am over any stereotype and so I just don't even notice anymore. It's just a job, and a crappy job at that in general.

[Cumberland]

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

This is a doctor saturated town. We were out to dinner with a group of residents once at a small place, someone's beeper went off and practically the entire place reached down to check their beeper.

That being said, everyone and their brother is a doctor, in med school or related to a doctor so it is no big deal here. I will say to decidedly non medical people that he works at the hospital.

[mommax3]

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

I tell. DH is never home, he wears scrubs all the time, and we have a nice lifestyle. It probably goes without saying at this point, actually. It does get easier after you have lived somewhere for awhile, mostly because word gets around without you having to be the one "telling" anymore. I don't look for opportunities to bring it up, though. That would be asking for trouble. I haven't heard a lot of criticism even though DH is an OB. I'm not too crunchy, though, so maybe it is the company I keep. :huh:

The isolating part, to me, is having non-medical friends who don't *only* see the lifestyle. No one wants to hear complaints from someone who seemingly has it all, and while I am very thankful for the life we have, there are times when I need to vent! We are blessed to be friends with a couple who both have siblings that are doctors....so they totally get it and there is no awkwardness. But mostly I just come here when I need some commisseration.

Sally

[SuzySunshine]

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

Most of our friends are residents as well, though now that I'm a SAHM I'm meeting more moms that aren't medical. Sometimes it kills the conversation, other times we move on like its no big deal. When they say "oh, that's a hard life" I just kind of shrug and try to change the subject. In this town most know that residents don't make squat but there are some that still have that dawkter stereotype in their heads.

[BonBon]

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

The isolating part, to me, is having non-medical friends who don't *only* see the lifestyle.

Same goes for me. I actually had someone tell me "I can't be friends with you! Your husband is a doctor!!" :huh: That's okay...someone idiotic enough to say that wouldn't last long as a friend anyway.

I only tell if someone asks directly "What does your DH do?"

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

Its all negative.

Once people hear DP's a doctor we hear all their ailments, or the state of the health care system, or will DP write them a script or see them in ED without having to wait, or tell me how financiallt well off we'll be in the future. I'm sick of peoples opinions and try to avoid saying anything

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

Thanks for the sympathy!

I haven't heard a lot of criticism even though DH is an OB. I'm not too crunchy, though, so maybe it is the company I keep.

This is definitely part of our problem. My parents are so crunchy they used to subscribe to Mother Earth News, and they moved out to the country to be self-sustaining. My older sister had all four of her kids with a midwife, three of them at home. We've pretty much made peace within the family, but it's all of my childhood friends - the whole culture I grew up in - where I feel like I'm fighting misperceptions and stereotypes.

I think it would be easier if I had grown up in a medical family, but this has been an adjustment. I love the science & research part of it - and seeing how some people's lives are saved or dramatically improved because of this whole body of knowledge. (And then how people take it so much for granted that they don't even remember their life was saved, and they start complaining about insignificant things!)

But what I don't like is adjusting to a different level of income and to people's perceptions of our unusual family life. I'm not into having lots of "stuff," and thinking about having a large salary honestly makes me uncomfortable. (Withhold the strange looks, please!) People who have grown up with it seem to handle it graciously, though. Also, most of our friends complain if their DH never helps with the dishes in the evening, etc., and I just think, "Hey, if mine comes home to crash on the bed for a few hours, I'm happy I get to curl up next to him!"

This whole thing wasn't as much of a problem even a couple years ago. The "student" title helped a lot. But especially this past year, as the doctor mantle has fallen more on DH's shoulders (presenting research, having his own patients, signing contracts), non-medical people seem less comfortable.

It's reassuring to hear that people start to forget the stereotypes after a while. I still feel like I'll need to seek out different types of friends, though - perhaps less crunchy?

[Phoebe]

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

I try not to tell people, but it isn't a secret.

[alison]

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

If you're a physician in Chicago, you pretty much blend in with the rest of the crowd. There isn't much of a reaction to it - neither positive nor negative. In smaller towns or suburbs is being a doctor (or married to one) viewed completely differently? Anyone with experience in both settings? I'm curious.

[migirl]

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

I don't go out of my way to tell people, but if it comes up I generally say something like, "He's a resident at the University" which I feel is sufficiently vague. If someone doesn't know what that means then I don't feel bad that I've avoided the "dawkter" discussion, and if they do know what it means ... they usually feel sorry for me.

[Vanquisher]

Re: do you avoid telling people your SO is a doctor/doctor to be

It depends. I usually don't avoid it. I mean, what's the point? People are either going to like me or not for who I am. Besides, misery loves company, and I am trying to recruit dawkter's wives whereever I can.

I think that will be my novel. "You too can marry a surgeon. 10 steps to landing a doctor and all the priveledges he bring$." It will be in the horror genre.