Any others who have a spouse living outof state for school?

I am in Oregon and my husband is in California for medical school. It's only been about a month so it still feels like a long conference or something. Anyone with more experience?

[migirl]

Re: Any others who have a spouse living outof state for school?

My husband (then boyfriend/fiance) and I lived apart for the first two years of medical school. I lived in Michigan, he went to med school in Washington, DC. Honestly, he was so busy those first two years that I think that had I lived there I wouldn't have seen much of him anyway. I also think that it was good that we were apart so I didn't serve as a distraction so he could really focus on school. Plus, I was always really independent and perfectly happy to just do my own thing for a while (that probably sounds worse than I intended ).

That being said, it wasn't always easy. We scheduled phone calls during the week so we could always find good times to really talk (none of this, "Hey, I'm in the middle of something, can I call you back?"); we tried to see each other once a month and really make the most of it (he would plan ahead and finish up whatever school stuff he had so he would be free to spend the time with me).

It's hard, but doable. Will you be apart for all of med school? Good luck, I hope the time passes quickly for both of you!

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Any others who have a spouse living outof state for school?

My DH and I spent 14 months apart at the end of college/beginning of medical school. I agree with everything Jane said. The first year (at least for my DH) was VERY time consuming so it was good that I wasn't there. We talked at least once a week if not more but we also understood that if one of us called and the other was busy we could say that so the other one didn't feel guilty getting off of the phone.

We tried to see each other as much as possible but again on weekends when he didn't have a big test or something on Monday.

Its do-able but hard, hang in there!

[rainbabies]

Re: Any others who have a spouse living outof state for school?

my dh and i were apart a few times. the first time was REALLY REALLY hard. he was in the caribbean for med school and i had to go back to the states to have our second kiddo. we were apart for 3 months. he flew in for the birth, and left a few days later. it was terrible. because of the expensive phone calls, we had to use the internt telephone. it was unreliable, hard to hear and delayed. but it was my life line. seriously. dh offered to take a semester off, but there was no way in hell i was going to be the reason to draw that island living hell out any longer than necessary.

the second time, we were living in baltimore....i had to go home to vermont to have our third baby. (we had medicaid). dh drove the kids and i home, and he flew back to baltimore. we were there for 1 month. it sucked, but was tolerable.

and finally, the third time....right after i had the 3rd babe, dh left us in baltimore and went to NYC for a peds. rotation. there weren't any in baltimore for him at the time. again, it sucked. but, the good part was, he could drive home every friday night and stay until sunday afternoon. it was about a 3hr drive.

sorry i'm sure that was more than you needed to know.
i'm sure there are others here who have something to share.

[DCJenn]

Re: Any others who have a spouse living outof state for school?

We started dating during the end of my husband's third year of medical school- and by that time he had his clinicals for 4th year already arranged- so he was home for six weeks and then gone for basically all of 4th year.

We didn't have any other experience other than long distance dating- it was learning to live w/ each other after 14 months apart the was the hard part!

Jenn

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Re: Any others who have a spouse living outof state for school?

We're apart too.

Max starts his 2nd year of medical school in 2 weeks in Cleveland, OH and I live/work in Boston, MA (where we both lived up until a year ago). We've made it work. When Max left, he was a boyfriend, not a fiance and it was pretty hard but I will say the 1st month is the hardest until you establish a schedule and good times to talk, etc.

I went out or visited every 2-3 weekends and that really helped get to know his friends and his schedule. We also got onto a phone schedule of speaking every night as I drove home from work and then a 5-10 minute goodnight phone call if possible later in the night. It ended up working out pretty well for us. I don't think Max would choose to speak on the phone every night if it wasn't for me but he's been good about it because he knows it's what I need. I try to be concious too if it's exam time and just say hi, I love you and then get off the phone.

I've now shifted my schedule and am spending half time in Cleveland, half in Boston and our committment to developing that schedule has really helped us I think because it's still hard the weeks when I'm in Boston.

It is hard though because many people treat med school as a very singulair pursuit cutting out all else and saying even speaking with family takes too much time. In my opinion, that's crazy. If you don't have people to ground you, life isn't worth anything. Also, in early med school, they seem to get this weird sense of importance and I often would take him down a notch (I love you but you're not too important to do laundry or be pleasant for a few minutes on the phone) which was good for him I think (and he agrees in quiet moments because the best doctors are NOT the cocky ones).

Good luck though! You'll find great resources here - we're just on the beginning of this journey and the people here have been incredibly helpful about what we have in store for us and in offering support.

Re: Any others who have a spouse living outof state for school?

It is wonderful to hear all the stories about how folks have made it work. Right now, we talk several times a day on the phone but rarely for very long. We actually can keep up with each other's daily schedules right now but I think that it is because we have the "shorthand" that couples get after being together for a while. It will probably feel more weird for me after my youngest two go off for the school year and I am just in the day to day of teaching and he is in the grind of first-year. It sounds like he will be on a test schedule of every two weeks so maybe he will fly up for one of those weekends and I will fly down there for the other. I am sure that it won't go a smoothly as that however - something always pops up. I am looking at it as a sabbatical of a sort.

After the first two pre-clinical years (I don't understand all the acronyms that everyone uses yet) he will be able to do most of his rotations up here. This summer is an intensive anatomy course so he won't have to take that course during his first term - we were thinking that it might make it a little bit easier even though he will have to be a TA for the regular anatomy class. We shall see how it really works out!

This is my day today ->

Re: Any others who have a spouse living outof state for school?

We have been doing it since May...I'mn ot a big fan, but it isn't as horrible as I first imagined...the kids and I plan to go up in the fall sometime to sat until Nov when I will come home to have baby #4....that will suck methinks? Glad to hear that you survived pregnancy and early birth alone Rainbabies....must admit it has been worrying me!

Birdie - it sounds like you have it fairly well thought out and I think that although it may feel tedious and lonely it might be a good preperation for residency

Re: Any others who have a spouse living outof state for school?

DH just emailed a copy of his fall schedule so we could start looking at visits for this fall term. There are a few weekends that are before test-free weeks but I am sure that he will still study several hours a day when here.

My fantasy for a relaxing Thanksgiving with all the kids and him home will have to be altered to not begrudge some study time as there is a big exam the Wednesday after the vacation.

He will be able to come home on Dec 18th for the break - hurrah!

I want him to visit here but I don't really want to go to Los Angeles to visit him. Is that too selfish??

[DCJenn]

Re: Any others who have a spouse living outof state for school?

Depends on the weather...

Jenn

Re: Any others who have a spouse living outof state for school?

In January and February I think I will force myself to go there but I will feel like a mole, blinking my eyes in all that light colored stuff.

It is weird but I miss the mist if I am away too long. Maybe we grow moss in our brains here.