do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

[DCJenn]

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

Pressure? No. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a tree-hugging liberal social worker who wears birkenstocks and my husband is a tree-hugging liberal who happens to be a dawkter and we happen to be parents of a tree-hugging liberal (please!) 4yo boy.

I don't identify myself as my husband's profession. Just read my signature to find out why.

Jenn

ETA: and I'm not quite sure about the Alpha Male question. So, what kind of book are you writing?

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

Ha...Jenn, I was wondering the same thing

DH is sooo not alpha anything and if there is a type "A" in our house ...it's me! I think that is what has allowed me to survive residency reasonably unscathed (I use that term very loosely)

Nope, no pressure here either...but then again most of our friends are also in the same boat and the "ortho wives" and I are all very similar. Might be another story when he is an attending and the wives have fancy pants jewellery, hair and clothes.... I will still be chasing around 4 boys so not much will change here!

[medpedspouse]

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

Might be another story when he is an attending and the wives have fancy pants jewellery, hair and clothes.

This is where I see the difference. Couples who have been out of training 8, 10 plus years are in a much different situation. Some asked DH if he wanted to join them in this fantastic business venture...um...heloo...we are still paying off the business venture called med school!!! Also, if you are not the "starter wife" you may not get it either. I have met a few spouses that have met/married AFTER training. Some unfortunately do fall under the stereotype of "dawkters wife". BUT this is a whole other thread

[diggitydot]

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

Pressure? No. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a tree-hugging liberal social worker who wears birkenstocks and my husband is a tree-hugging liberal who happens to be a dawkter...

Holy crap. There's more than one set of us? OK, I'm not a social worker, but am considering returning to school to get my degree for it.

The more I get to know other med spouses the more I think we all lead frighteningly similar lives.


ETA: I should probably have answered the question.

Um, no. I don't feel pressure to be anything other than myself. When people try to heap their expectations of my life onto me they're usually quickly dissuaded of their deluded thought process. Simply by walking into my still half-unfurnished living room with glaring white spackle spots on the as yet not repainted walls will do that. Yeah, nothing screams Rich Dawkter's Life like your living room looking like hobos camp there.

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

1- like dressing a certain way e.g. glamorous, refined, talking a certain way
2- expected to pick up the tabs or not claim expenses because 'hey your a doctors wife you should be able to afford this'
3- getting picked on by your mum 'does a doctors wife wear TRAINERS!? (sneaker)
4- have people think you are a golddigger - or being accomplished for marrying 'well'
5- and another topic - the annoying things about being married to an alpha man?

1 - I dress the way I dress - I definitely have my own style which is not glamorous or refined. I don't feel any pressure from anyone. I didn't when I was doing my own corporate climb either. I always did my own thing as far as my look.
2 - no, people are decent about this. Maybe because we are older and our friends realize what DH gave up to go back to medical school.
3 - no, see 1.
4 - not a golddigger, but I do get how "lucky" I am to have married DH. I posted about that myself here. I was accomplished in my own right before marrying DH. It is annoying.
5 - my husband is not a typical alpha male. He is type A in some respects, but is also the most laid back, calm human I have ever met. He amazes me with how well he handles everything. I am more the typical Type A persona and I am working on that

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

This is where I see the difference. Couples who have been out of training 8, 10 plus years are in a much different situation. Some asked DH if he wanted to join them in this fantastic business venture...um...heloo...we are still paying off the business venture called med school!!! Also, if you are not the "starter wife" you may not get it either. I have met a few spouses that have met/married AFTER training. Some unfortunately do fall under the stereotype of "dawkters wife". BUT this is a whole other thread

Yeah, I wondered about this, too. It seems like most of us who have answered have known our DHs since they were "skinny college geeks." And most of us are still in the trenches - not seeing much money yet. Most (but definitely not all) wives of established attendings seem down-to-earth to me, but I wonder if they would say they feel the expectations more. I've also wondered if it varies depending on geographic location and/or specialty.

[Meenah]

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

diggitydot wrote:

DCJenn wrote:Pressure? No. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a tree-hugging liberal social worker who wears birkenstocks and my husband is a tree-hugging liberal who happens to be a dawkter...


Holy crap. There's more than one set of us? OK, I'm not a social worker, but am considering returning to school to get my degree for it.

That makes several sets! I'm not a social worker, but close.

[weeniegeniewife]

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

I am a liberal psychotherapist in private practice. There seem to be a few of us on this board!

I am one of the very few on here who met and married DH after training; heck, he's been an attending for 14 years now. Actually, when he told me he was a surgeon, I was bummed at first, because I have dated many docs over the years (worked in a hospital for 9 years, that tends to happen), and I was DONE dating surgeons. But, DH proved to be very different, and blows that stereotype out of the water.

I have been struggling significantly this past year that we've been married with the snobby types here in town who expect me to act/dress a certain way. I am a tomboy at heart, and have my nose pierced. One of his female lawyer friends actually said to me when we were engaged: "Are you sure you are ready and know how to be a doctor's wife?". I was horrified, and said right back: "Do you even know Patrick? Being a doctor is not his identity, nor is mine being a 'doctor's wife'". It shut her up really quick.

Like others have said on here, I had my own professional identity before I met DH (own my own wellness clinic and in private practice), and we are laid-back and relaxed as well. I think the public's perception of doctor's and their wives is WAY off! Many times I find myself getting frustrated by the long work hours, endless days of call, etc.

In the end, being a doctor does not define him. I also think that my DH has his head in the clouds at home, as he tends to be quite absent-minded.

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

heya!

thanks so much for all your replies. i made that posting when i was feeling especially sorry for myself, although, again, other people would say 'what do you have to feel sorry for yourself, you bagged a doctor!'.

no im not writing a book but whoever said that, if you can recommend something for me id love to read it.

my husband started out as sweet and lovely and by and large, most of the time he is, but as his career progresses he's becoming moe and more, umm, CONFIDENT. i can understand why he needs to be becuase in ortho as in other fields of surgery/ medicine you need to have that bone deep confidence in yourself but haha sometimes it can translate into a GOD complex and tip over into 'arrogance'.

as a result, before i got married i was so relaxed and laid back about everything but as the years have gone on, although itold myself i wouldnt change, i find the expectation of family and friends and his colleagues to be something i dont want to disappoint. even when i went to deliver my baby i hated it becuase it was at his hospital, there was only one or two degrees of separation between him and all the people who were in attendance and well, i kept having nightmares about them saying 'yeah did you see the size of dr..... wife? how did she get so big, her legs were so CHUNKY!'

we're lucky in that he is at a stage when he's STARTING TO EARN earning the 'big money' but i dont have to have it dripping off me do i? my mum feels i need to, she gets mad if i go out with her without wearing gold or jewellery!? for HIS sake as well as mine, otherwise she thinks if i go around looking simple people will think he's not looking after me so well!

im constantly being asked by some friends about my lifetstyle and with most of them i just play it down becuase, well, i know theyre not at that stage so why should they torture themselves and torture me? in this respecti mean close good friends. becuase of that i try and be simple with most people but then i get told off for being too simple and not living upto 'the status of doctors wife, or 'DOOKTOOR's wife as we put it in the middle east!' and it hurts me too because then i feel guilty, even when trying to evade their questions.

i should just tell them to shove it, all of them including my own family but i give expensive presents becuase its expected, i wear my jewellery even if i cant be fussed, i change out of my sweats and iron my clothes even if its just to go and buy eggs and milk down the road (because i never know if me and hubby will see one of his consultants shopping there and iv been caught out too many times before looking like a TRAMP!)

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

i dont do the above all the time btw, but alot of times i feel pressured, and every once in a while thatp ressue wil lget me down.

because even my siblings will feel i should pay for everything. and there were so many incredulous reactions from people when they found out i was getting married,

'SHE is marrying a DOOKTOOR?!?'

just like you shrink jamie, i got a 'are you ready for being a dooktoors wife'

'lay off the cream cakes, your married to a dooktoor!'

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

I'd tell those people to shove it. That kind of behavior is insane.

I feel absolutely NO pressure to "be" or "behave" a certian way. I felt the greatest pleasure during our last ultrasound - I was cracking jokes with the ultrasound tech, and I said "Yeah - we're really classy, I know." and she said "No - you're REAL."

Be yourself. No matter how much $$ you may have you're never obligated to pay for everyone, and people assuming so are just rude.

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

even when i went to deliver my baby i hated it becuase it was at his hospital, there was only one or two degrees of separation between him and all the people who were in attendance

DH did his residency in Ob/Gyn, and when I delivered at that hospital, it bothered me, too - not everyone, but just some of the staff bothered me.

So sorry your family is making this difficult for you. It sounds like your DH is changing based on expectations people put on him, too. I hope everyone will be able to see that you're still the same person you always have been!

[Flynn]

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

I fell in love with a med student who didn't have two dimes to rub together and was quickly approaching six figure "good" debt.

I married a resident who was mostly sleep deprived during our first 6 years of marriage. He remembers very little "BIG" moments in our lives with any kind of detail. Without the quad mocha we would have become strangers.

We are celebrating our tenth year of marriage and our second year out of training this weekend.

Pressure? Hell no. I feel like I've earned a purple heart.

(no disrespect intended to those who have actually served!!!!)

[ides]

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

Like many on this site, dh and I met also before he decided to go the dawkter route when he was a store clerk post grad philosphy student. We've been together for twelve years and still have four more in training to go. I don't feel pressure to be anyone but myself, and neither does he, but with strangers and new aquantices I usually hold off telling them what dh does. I feel like they do see $$$ which conflicts with my super thrifty (i.e. dirt cheap philosophy) and non-comformist personality and their eyes sort of glaze over and they stop seeing me. My real friends, whom I've know for a long time, all know the severe debt we're in, know who we really are, and think we are a bit mad for going this medical route. I really don't get much pressure from my parents, who like to use dh's career as a bragging point, though they have no simpathy for our debt or pertetual hard times. I think if they ever visited they would expect us to pay for everything whether we had the money or not - he's a dawkter after all! So, in end, the clueless must be ignored.

[Vishenka69]

Re: do you ever feel pressure at being a doctor's wife?

Luckily one good thing about being in NY for training was that most people felt bad for me for being married a resident. Most of our friends are finance (IB, hedge funds, etc.) and we were always the poor relation. We are slowly beginning to catch up to some of our friends now but I feel that some will always be out of reach.

As for being here in the sticks, the doctor's wives look just as sloppy as everyone else. You'd never pick them out in the crowd. Wearing a simple black cocktail dress, I was the most dressed up person at the holiday party last year. Some where talking about upgrading their engagement rings to celebrate 10 or 15th wedding anniversaries but that's about as much as anyone cares about jewelry in these parts.

Do whatever makes you comfortable and who cares what others think.