WWYD - gift giving

Here is the situation. DH and I "eloped at home." You guys can appreciate this - we got married during his month of night float! I won't get started on how bad the scheduling was with his residency. With the craziness of it all, I also did not have a shower.

Anyway, I sent out wedding announcements. I did not expect gifts, but I was a little hurt by a few of my friends who did not even send a card... not even an e-card - nada.

Fast forward to today. One of these non-responding friends is having a baby. She emailed me a link to her baby registry. Then I get a follow up email from one of her friends that I do not know about some kind of virtual shower they are "throwing" where we are to send gifts and she takes pictures of herself opening them. Noone is going to be there.

I am kinda like

What would you do?

Re: WWYD - gift giving

Have you kept up with her in a social way since you were married or have your lives totally diverged and are not likely to re-connect?

I would probably send a gift and good wishes but I have a stash of baby stuff I have either made or picked up on sale over the last few years as our childrens friends are starting to get married. I have never heard of a virtual shower - what no weird party games?

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: WWYD - gift giving

Maybe others won't agree, and I can't exactly quote Emily Post here to back up my suggestions, but:

1. I would not buy the friend a baby gift. She couldn't even be bothered to send you a card or drop you a note with your good news? You might consider sending her a nice card.

2. A VIRTUAL SHOWER? What the hell is THAT? Sounds like that is basically an excuse to receive a lot of gifts without having to go to the trouble of being gracious and greeting people. The point of a shower ISN'T the gifts! It's a chance to wish the new mom well and share a little bit of pre-delivery advice and company. You bring a gift as part of that gesture--not as the MAIN PURPOSE of the event. If a shower is just about getting gifts (that is, reducing your personal relationships to what each of you provides to the other), no shower I've ever been to (including my own with DS) would provide that kind of quid pro quo. Maybe I am just old school and not hip, but that sounds incredibly tacky to me. I wouldn't send a gift under those circumstances--PERIOD. The only circumstances that I can think of that would make such a shower even remotely appropriate would be something extreme: e.g., if the mom is serving in the armed forces overseas or the mom is on doctor-ordered bed-rest that specifically precludes any socializing.

Re: WWYD - gift giving

Gifts aren't that important to me, but spending time together is... so I think the idea of a "virtual shower" is very odd. Gifts can be fun, but given a choice, I'd rather have a party with no gifts and just celebrate with my friends. :huh: That's just me.

I'd probably send her a small gift, just to be a nice person regardless of what she's like. She doesn't sound like the type of person I'd go overboard to maintain a friendship with, but IMO, there's no sense cutting a person off for one slight. Even if you've lost contact, it is amazing to me how many people re-enter my life a decade after I thought I'd never see them again - sometimes in unavoidable ways.

[DCJenn]

Re: WWYD - gift giving

Send a card, if you're feeling generous. Otherwise ignore it.

Jenn

Re: WWYD - gift giving

Have you kept up with her in a social way since you were married or have your lives totally diverged and are not likely to re-connect?

We have kept up with each other by phone - no chance since our marriage. The majority of our relationship is by phone because we are long distance.

I have never heard of a virtual shower - what no weird party games?

what - you don't love those shower games

A VIRTUAL SHOWER? What the hell is THAT? Sounds like that is basically an excuse to receive a lot of gifts without having to go to the trouble of being gracious and greeting people.

Thank you! I thought it was just me. Even if you are far away and no one could come, wouldn't you just send invites anyway? Or is that me being too old school?
Plus, why send out the registry yourself [which I thought was a bit grabby for gifts - I didn't even ASK for the registry yet, probably would have] and then have a friend make up this virtual shower and resend the registry?

if the mom is serving in the armed forces overseas or the mom is on doctor-ordered bed-rest that specifically precludes any socializing.

Her husband is in the arms services and they were relocated last year, but still in the country. Either location would have been long distance for me.

Gifts aren't that important to me, but spending time together is... so I think the idea of a "virtual shower" is very odd. Gifts can be fun, but given a choice, I'd rather have a party with no gifts and just celebrate with my friends. :huh: That's just me.

I agree - me too.

You can always send her a picture of you buying a gift, but not the gift. :> A virtual gift.

OMG that is too funny

Send a card, if you're feeling generous. Otherwise ignore it.

going on Ladybug's recommendation, maybe I should send a picture of me sending a virtual card

[spotty_dog]

Re: WWYD - gift giving

The only circumstances that I can think of that would make such a shower even remotely appropriate would be something extreme: e.g., if the mom is serving in the armed forces overseas or the mom is on doctor-ordered bed-rest that specifically precludes any socializing.

How about if the mom has just moved with her resident physician husband to a location thousands of miles from anyone she's ever known or loved?

My "virtual shower" was mostly about having a live chat with friends and family. My mom sent everyone "party favors" and snacks, and a CD of kiddy music that they could play during the "shower". She and my MIL timed it for when my MIL was here visiting. People came out of the woodwork to attend, I got to chat with my godmother in Dallas and my childhood babysitter in Anchorage as well as my college friends in Portland and Madison. Yes, there were gifts that I opened at the appointed time, and I was glad of the chance to thank them immediately, honestly and effusively, online.

Now, admittedly, what this person is suggesting sounds quite a bit more far-fetched and gift-centric. But still. It's tough to be alone during the big moments of your life.

I agree with Annie though. Gifts should always come from the heart. If you aren't inspired to shower this acquaintance and her baby with love in the form of material goods, then don't! A card might be nice, if only in the sense of "do unto others what you'd like them to have done for you."

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: WWYD - gift giving

The only circumstances that I can think of that would make such a shower even remotely appropriate would be something extreme: e.g., if the mom is serving in the armed forces overseas or the mom is on doctor-ordered bed-rest that specifically precludes any socializing.

How about if the mom has just moved with her resident physician husband to a location thousands of miles from anyone she's ever known or loved?

Oh, that TOTALLY falls into my "extreme" situations exception! Just moved, know no one in town, your friends thousands of miles away can't trek to your new locale? Definitely within the exception!

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: WWYD - gift giving

And I love that your mom sent the party favors to the guests-- very nice!

As for me, I don't do baby registry gifts. Sorry... I'll go there for weddings, but not for babies. I'd maybe send a small gift, a cute outfit or the like. Given the circumstance, I wouldn't spend more than $15 (incl shipping).

Re: WWYD - gift giving

I don't like to deal in whether what someone has done for me matches up with what I have done for them.

sadly enough, my MIL/FIL always ask for a list of who gave what (and what amount) when we get gifts at Indian events (engagement, wedding, kids birthdays, etc.) They want to be certian they don't give one penny more ....

[Vishenka69]

Re: WWYD - gift giving

I'm in the "send something small" camp. Although I also agree that the whole thing seems to be very gift fishing.

[Meenah]

Re: WWYD - gift giving

I would probably send card or a small gift.

Re: WWYD - gift giving

I would probably send the gift becuase it would make me feel good to do it and wouldn't want to miss an important occasion....that being said, baby registry and "stuff" bugs me. I understand it is supposed to be more about the person NOT getting 5 sets of receiving blankets, but the last one I did had BIG things only on it...the only thing I could afford was the 55.00 monitor and that it a lot for a baby gift IMO.

Sorry that your friends didn't send any acknowledgement about your wedding...that would have hurt me too. Did they at least call or email or Skype or anything??? To give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they are confused about what to do when soemone elopes at home? I still say that they should have done something.......