Holidays...

We live in a state where neither of our family lives as well. The MD BF will likely only be getting one holiday free (not Thanksgiving) either Christmas or New Year's Eve. I don't know how to handle this...I mean he will be AT WORK and not with me for Thanksgiving so I am thinking about flying home by myself. But this means that for Christmas (the holiday he gets off this year) we will automatically be going to see his family...which means he will never be at any of my family holidays. Not to mention the fact that my family already thinks I am the one making huge sacrifices for him...

Just curious how you all handle it..?

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Holidays...

Before we were married we each went to our own holiday functions but that was mostly because my MIL didn't invite me to holidays until we were married. Since we've been married we don't spend holidays apart. If one of us can't go neither one of us go. That means I spend some holidays at home alone but we don't spend holidays apart. This year and next year we'll get to go home for most, if not all, holidays but his 7th year we've already told family if they want to see us they need to come to us because he will have to work most likely.

[ladymoreta]

Re: Holidays...

That stinks. During medical school, DH didn't have to work on Thanksgiving/Christmas, so we kind of got spoiled. We usually alternate each year - Thanksgiving at his parents and Christmas at mine, then reverse it the next year. I think we lucked out this year, and he *should* be off work for both. When he does miss one, we'll try to make up for it by spending a weekend with the other's family as soon as possible.

Once you are married, it's only fair to trade off holidays between his family and yours. Until then, it's probably best for him to go to his family and you go to yours. That will keep your families from feeling resentful, since it sounds like they already might be a little. When you get engaged, your counselor will help you work out a system that is fair to both of you as part of your premarital counseling.

[DCJenn]

Re: Holidays...

If its a family function that is meaningful to me, I'll go by myself if I have to- birthdays, weddings, etc.

If it's a holiday and he can't go, then I don't go either. (except when he was deployed, obviously) When we were kidless, I was considering going home for Thanksgiving one year and my Dad told me not to- that I needed to stay w/ my husband. It pissed me off at the time but now I get it.

We don't trade holidays- we go to my parents house when we can (like this year) but won't travel to his moms for the holidays because it's way too complicated to go there.

Jenn

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Holidays...

As someone said we also split the holidays now, our parents live about 2 hours apart. So for Thanksgiving we'll spend Wednesday, Thursday and part of Friday with my side then drive to his side and spend the rest of the weekend. For Christmas we'll spend the first half of the week including Christmas Eve at his side and then spend Christmas Day through the following Monday at his side.

I do wish our parents didn't live so close together though. My sister's in-laws live several states away from my parents and they spend Thanksgiving with one side, Christmas with the other and switch each year. She also is a nurse so she doesn't get as much time off as her husband so he sometimes goes up a day or two early if they're going to his side and then she joins him. She doesn't mid as long as they don't spend the actual holiday apart.

[Vanquisher]

Re: Holidays...

It really does depend on how far away your families are. The last holiday I spent at my parents house was 8 years ago when DH was in medical school. It was a nightmare. Trying to fly home to see everyone and share time was truly hell. Packing up Christmas for a nearly 3-year-old. Never again.

It is sad, and I love my family very much, and I miss them tremendously, especially at the holidays, but we are our own family (dh, the kids, and I), and it is important for our kids to be home for holidays and wake up here on Christmas morning. We have generally had some visitors over Christmas, but we don't travel anymore. My family is coming this year for Thanksgiving, and his is coming for Christmas.

In some ways, it is easier now. We don't have to try to split time and traditions. That was always hard when we lived close by.

[MrsK]

Re: Holidays...

DrK's folks are dying to come here for Thanksgiving. . . But I don't know whether DrK will have Thanksgiving free yet. We may end up having turkey dinner on Monday.

Re: Holidays...

He is a first year resident (intern) not a medical student. I think the way it will work for his residency is that he will only get to choose one holiday off between Christmas and NYE. Thanksgiving is the luck of the draw depending on if you are on call or not. He is not on call on Thanksgiving but he is the day after. Which means we couldn't fly to see either or our families because it is only one day. That being said we will only get one holiday to visit family...either Christmas or NYE. Since he only gets one holiday free (throughout residency I believe) then I feel like he will never come to any of my family holidays because it will be his only chance to see his family...

Sorry if this is so confusing. I just really want my family to get to know him some too and to show that he is not going to 'steal me away' forever. He is from MA and I am from KY. We live in Philly which is about 12 hours from my family and 5-6 for his. We met in San Juan where we were both in school.

[Tenacious_D]

Re: Holidays...

Since we began dating we have always split the holidays (one year his family and the next year mine). Once med school started and his schedule became harder to control we began hosting dinners and invited our families to join us at home since that was the easiest. We are having a huge joint dinner this year for both families because the baby should be here by then. BTW, he is jewish and I am catholic so Xmas isn't really much of an issue but we did spend one Christmas and New Year's with his family....since they took us to Japan You guys will figure out a system that works well for you. As long as you are happy together during the holidays that is all that really matters IMHO.

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Holidays...

frowe01, you need to make the decision that is best for the two of you. Residency sucks for holidays 99% of the time. Families can say they get it but most of the time they don't. I think how you split (or don't) the holidays really depends on the relationship you have with each other and with your own parents.

In my family celebrating the holiday on a different day is no big deal at all, in my husband's family - not so much.

[spotty_dog]

Re: Holidays...

My parents are a bit farther (Alaska vs. Washington) so lately we've had a lot more holidays with his family. Thanksgiving we've stuck around here during residency; Christmas we've gone to his sister's place twice. During college and med school we more or less alternated families for the Christmas holiday.

This year as I said we'll be here for turkey day, then we're flying to Washington in early December to see his family (and our new home!), he's working a week straight over Christmas, then we're trying to get my parents to come down for the New Year (I'm not traveling anywhere between January and May, I don't think!)

My parents knew him well enough before residency sucked him away, so they aren't resentful at all, they just encourage us to visit when we can (even if it's not a holiday -- we spent a week up there in September.)

[MrsK]

Re: Holidays...

He is a first year resident (intern) not a medical student. I think the way it will work for his residency is that he will only get to choose one holiday off between Christmas and NYE. Thanksgiving is the luck of the draw depending on if you are on call or not. He is not on call on Thanksgiving but he is the day after. Which means we couldn't fly to see either or our families because it is only one day. That being said we will only get one holiday to visit family...either Christmas or NYE. Since he only gets one holiday free (throughout residency I believe) then I feel like he will never come to any of my family holidays because it will be his only chance to see his family...

Sorry if this is so confusing. I just really want my family to get to know him some too and to show that he is not going to 'steal me away' forever. He is from MA and I am from KY. We live in Philly which is about 12 hours from my family and 5-6 for his. We met in San Juan where we were both in school.

This is just a reality of leaving the nest. There were three kids in my family and we've all married and moved. Two of us are in medical marrages. And, of course, we all have in-laws. Things just get more complicated each year as babies come and the families expand. Each holiday someone decides to host and invites everyone to them. Whomever can come, comes. Sometimes we cannot. DrK is an intern too. He's off New Year's Eve but not Thanksgiving or Christmas. This year, Dr. Brother and his wife are hosting Thanksgiving in FL. DrK and I are in OH and cannot make it. Possibly DrK's folks will come here.

Also, remember that even if you have to switch off Christmas or Thanksgiving year to year, DH will have other vacations and other days off. Although I know that missing the actual holiday with your or his family is not great, you can visit another time. For instance, spend Christmas/Thanksgiving with his family this year but spend a few days off in the spring with your family. Then switch the plan next year -- spend Christmas/Thanksgiving with your family this year but spend a few days off in the spring with his family. In the meanwhile, make some friends locally and invite strays over to your place for the holidays. There are plenty of other interns/residents/fellows that are in the same bind. Be grateful that you at least have eachother around the holidays. Many people are separated from their families for training and they are all alone.

Re: Holidays...

Thanks for the insight everyone. I just wanted to see how you all handled it. My family is pretty close and they all live in KY (we are a HUGE family and still all get together at all of the holidays - I'm talking 40+ cousins, 20 aunts/uncles, etc.) where my MD BF only has 8 in his entire family - BOTH sides included. My family just misses me a lot and gives me sh** for not being there since I always go to his family's for the holidays it seems and he doesn't come to KY. I realize we'll just have to work it out for ourselves. He actually just told me yesterday that he wanted to fly to MA next weekend since he wasn't going to be able to go home for Thanksgiving. Fine by me. I'm going home by myself for Thanksgiving and then at Christmas I'll also go home alone from Dec. 18-23 when I'll fly back to be with the MD BF in MA with his family. NYE I have no idea...guess I'll be rocking out with Dick Clark in the comfort of my own home since he will have to work...