Thank you card etiquette question

[migirl]

DS#1 had a birthday party last weekend. After opening all the gifts and recording who gave what so I can write proper thank-you notes ... I noticed that (I *think*) one guest did not bring a gift. Now, I totally do not care that this person did not bring a gift ... I'm worried that she may have given a gift, though, and that it got mixed up with someone else's or the card got lost or something like that.

Asking her outright if she brought a gift is out of the question, right?

DH thinks I should just send her a generic "Thanks for coming to my birthday party, I hope you had fun" kind of note. He thinks it's better than nothing. I usually like to thank the person for the specific gift that s/he gave, so I feel like it would be weird to not mention a gift.

What should I do? :huh:

[medpedspouse]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

I agree with your DH. I would send a "thanks for sharing my special day blah - blah" or "your presence made the day special" this way if they did bring a gift, they have been thanked. If they did not, they have been thanked too.

[HouseofWool]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

I agree and then if she feels funny after receiving your card b/c she did give a gift maybe she'll say didn't he get the...

If not she'll be thanked for coming which I think is proper.

[Cumberland]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

We brought the paper airplane book if that helps..... sorry I couldnt be there. I will have no life til til this Friday at 5pm.

[migirl]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

We brought the paper airplane book if that helps

I know that much at least! (It's VERY cool, BTW!!)

Okay, I'll send out a generic thank-you and hope that she's not offended if she did bring a gift.

[MrsK]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

I agree with your DH. If they brought a gift and it is not mentioned, the note may prompt them to ask, "Did you get the. . . " That way you'll know if the gift was lost. I did this for a cousin that came to our wedding but apparently didn't give a gift. I was worried that she may have sent something or given a check that was lost or that a card had been attached to the wrong gift at the reception. (Turns out, she forgot and wrote to me immediately asking what I wanted. I told her that we had all that we needed and we were just so happy that she joined us for our wedding.)

Also, I have a related thank you note question (sorry, I hope you don't mind my piggy-backing). . . I'm very close to a family that has children. I've been part of their family for at least 12 years, their oldest who turned 9 this weekend is named after me, their children were in our wedding, and the parents frequently tell me that I am family/a sister to them/a godparent our aunty to their children. Suffice it to say, I am a very intimate friend and, as DrK would say, these children are occassionally within our "disciplinary jurisdiction" just as are our nephews do.

I've been attending the kids' birthday parties since the day they were born, buying them birthday and Christmas gifts every year. The kids are always polite and grateful for the gifts; They enthusiastically hug and thank me at the time that the gifts are given. But I have never gotten a thank you note. Now that I live further away and gifts are sometimes mailed, their mom will put the kids on the phone to thank me. Also, the oldest child and I will occassionally exchange letters about her pets or school, but never a thank you note.

Last weekend there was another birthday party and I was helping the kids' dad take the gifts that everyone brought to the car. I've known a little longer him than the mom and he is a stickler for etiquette. So, I admired the enormous pile of gifts and asked if his kids writes thank you notes for *all these gifts*. He said that he thinks their mom writes thank you notes. I've never gotten a note from the mom and I know that she is not very organized, tends to give up on details. Also, I think that before the age of 9, the kids should be writing notes. (Even younger once they can sign their names or draw a picture or just scribble on a note that mommy wrote.) I mentioned to him that I've seen some very cute fill-in-the-blank thank you notes for kids and wondered if his kids would like them. We were interrupted so I dropped it and did not bring it up again. I don't intend to raise the subject again but I wonder, what you all think?

[Tenacious_D]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

Go with the generic thank you for coming and if they did bring a gift, they will likely mention it later. We did that with the wedding and found that some gifts got "lost." And when we sent the generic thank you, people asked if we received their gifts. It's much safer than calling people out if they didn't bring a gift.

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

We brought the paper airplane book if that helps..... sorry I couldnt be there. I will have no life til til this Friday at 5pm.

that's a great book. i bought it for my boys 2 years ago, and it's still fun.

[Tenacious_D]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

I agree with your DH. If they brought a gift and it is not mentioned, the note may prompt them to ask, "Did you get the. . . " That way you'll know if the gift was lost. I did this for a cousin that came to our wedding but apparently didn't give a gift. I was worried that she may have sent something or given a check that was lost or that a card had been attached to the wrong gift at the reception. (Turns out, she forgot and wrote to me immediately asking what I wanted. I told her that we had all that we needed and we were just so happy that she joined us for our wedding.)

Also, I have a related thank you note question (sorry, I hope you don't mind my piggy-backing). . . I'm very close to a family that has children. I've been part of their family for at least 12 years, their oldest who turned 9 this weekend is named after me, their children were in our wedding, and the parents frequently tell me that I am family/a sister to them/a godparent our aunty to their children. Suffice it to say, I am a very intimate friend and, as DrK would say, these children are occassionally within our "disciplinary jurisdiction" just as are our nephews do.

I've been attending the kids' birthday parties since the day they were born, buying them birthday and Christmas gifts every year. The kids are always polite and grateful for the gifts; They enthusiastically hug and thank me at the time that the gifts are given. But I have never gotten a thank you note. Now that I live further away and gifts are sometimes mailed, their mom will put the kids on the phone to thank me. Also, the oldest child and I will occassionally exchange letters about her pets or school, but never a thank you note.

Last weekend there was another birthday party and I was helping the kids' dad take the gifts that everyone brought to the car. I've known a little longer him than the mom and he is a stickler for etiquette. So, I admired the enormous pile of gifts and asked if his kids writes thank you notes for *all these gifts*. He said that he thinks their mom writes thank you notes. I've never gotten a note from the mom and I know that she is not very organized, tends to give up on details. Also, I think that before the age of 9, the kids should be writing notes. (Even younger once they can sign their names or draw a picture or just scribble on a note that mommy wrote.) I mentioned to him that I've seen some very cute fill-in-the-blank thank you notes for kids and wondered if his kids would like them. We were interrupted so I dropped it and did not bring it up again. I don't intend to raise the subject again but I wonder, what you all think?

Hmm...interesting. I have never expected a thank you card for a kids gift. I know I never sent one as a kid but I would call to thank everyone for their gifts. I prefer an in person or phonecall thanks from kids because then I know that is really came from them vs. mom or dad. I doubt that once Eli can write that I will expect or encourage him to send thank you cards...we will likely just do phonecalls and in person thanks.

[Sheherezade]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

I think the Emily Post rule on thank you notes is that they are sent when you haven't had a chance to thank the person for the gift in person. If the gift is given personally and a thank you is issued verbally, no note is required. (Whew!) That's why I'm a big fan of letting school age kids exchange gifts at parties (instead of hording the gifts to be opened after the event in private). I think it teaches the proper behavior for both giving and accepting a present socially.

If a gift is mailed, I think a child that is old enough to write can manage a short note. We sent the pre-printed fill-in-the-blank ones in kindergarten. After that, the kids wrote their own. I always give my kids note cards in their Christmas stockings for thank you notes. They roll their eyes at me - but expect them every year.

[alison]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

Ooh, we were ALWAYS required to write thank you notes. My mother was very clear on this point.

That said, MrsK, I like to stay out of the business of parenting other peoples' children, so I'm kind of looking at this from that perspective. I think this is something they ought to do, but I doubt I'd tell them (or their parents) as much.

Ditto.

We were always required to write thank you notes. To this day, I expect them from dh's god child. If the child cannot write, he/she needs to draw something. Phone calls don't suffice for me. :huh: Yes, I'm demanding.

ETA: I also send thank you cards for when we're invited to people's places for dinner. I think I go overboard.

[Auspicious]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

I think the Emily Post rule on thank you notes is that they are sent when you haven't had a chance to thank the person for the gift in person. If the gift is given personally and a thank you is issued verbally, no note is required. (Whew!)

What she said.

[MrsK]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

ETA: I also send thank you cards for when we're invited to people's places for dinner. I think I go overboard.

I do this too! And, as children, we were always expected to write thank you notes regardless of whether the gifts were opened in the giver's presence or not.

[MrsK]

Re: Thank you card etiquette question

That said, MrsK, I like to stay out of the business of parenting other peoples' children, so I'm kind of looking at this from that perspective. I think this is something they ought to do, but I doubt I'd tell them (or their parents) as much.

BTW, I agree about not butting in. We know that most of the children in the planet are not within our disciplinary jurisdication and therefore, I cannot get upset or say anything when my cousin's 14-year-old who we rarely see sulks, rolls her eyes, and otherwise behaves like an obnoxious teenager during her visits. Likewise, we do not give advise or ask questions about friends' or distant relatives' children. But, there are a few children, such as our nephews or other children for whom we are legal back up guardians (such as these) who are within our jurisdiction and the parents have told us such.

In this instance, I asked their dad about thank you notes because there is a precedent. He and his wife often ask my opinion about the children's education, manners, rites of passage (i.e. when/how to tell them about the birds & the bees) and have on occassion asked me to discuss certain sticky topics (religion, death, divorce) with their children. I was also very careful when I discussed this with him not to even mention that I've never gotten a note. I just sounded awed and asked "do your children write thank you notes for all these gifts?" and asked if the kids would like a gift of stationary. I stated all of this as though it was a foregone conclusion that the children write tons of thank you notes.

I suspect that their mom may be writing the notes on the children's behalf but has been excluding me because of the "Oh, MrsK wouldn't mind. . ." that occurs when people are very intimate friends. (I'd guess that their grandmother doesn't get a note either.) I have no intention of raising the issue again but I was just wondering what the standard is.