Commuter Spouse to medschool?

Hi all -

This is technically my second post -- I joined a few months back while we were still in application Purgatory -- but we have now officially boarded the train.

I'm Sam, 34 yo dad with three kids: 5, 2, 2 (boy/girl twins). My wife Danielle will be 32 when she starts her first year of med school on July 29th this year. Woo!

The thing is, the med school is in Calgary, 3 hours away from our home in Edmonton. We've lived here for nearly ten years, we have a great house, family and lots of friends for us and the kids.

So we are dealing with two alternatives: sell the house, pack up the kids and stuff, and rent a place for the three years she'll be in Calgary (it's a three-year program with no summer/winter breaks); or keep the house, kids, and me here and have my wife commute to Calgary for a four-to-five day week and return here for the weekends, at least for the non-clinical first half of the program.

What do you all think? In particular I'd love to hear about experiences with long commutes during clinical rotations or residency, tips for travel and moving with small kids, empathy, excitement, warnings... It's still sinking in, not quite real yet for us.

Thanks for reading!

[Momo]

Hi Sam!
Welcome back & congrats to your DW!

I'll be curious to read the advice others offer up. My gut says move w/her & rent, especially since the kids are so young!
Good luck, stick around & post often!

Yeah, my initial response is with Suz. The med school years are really going to be the only part of this train ride where she'll have much time for the kids. Once clinicals start, it won't matter as much if you're geographically together, b/c she'll either be at the hospital or asleep.

[DCJenn]

I don't know- at least the first two years, maybe it would be better for her to study her arse off as much as possible in the quiet of her own apartment and then come home on the weekends and hang out with the kiddos.

(and welcome back!)

I guess the more important question is what does YOUR gut tell you is the right decision?

Jenn

[fluffhead]

Hi Sam!
I love Edmonton! Calgary is OK too, but Edmonton is lovely. I camped alone through Jasper and Banff for a week, which was an amazing trip.
That said, I say move to Calgary for 3 years. I was at home with the kids while DW was in training, and though it's tough, it will be even tougher (for both of you) if she's 3 hours away. I think.
And in terms of your local connections, they're only 3 hours away, right?
Welcome, anyway, and I hope you come to a mutually agreeable decision.
(and feel free to post in the Mr. MD forum, which hasn't seen any life in several months. There's a few of us here - we tend to come out of the shadows infrequently)

[Deebs]

We have a friend who tried this for the first year of med school, only just an hour away from school. After two months, he had to move closer. There were enough study groups, anatomy open labs, and other things he was missing that his grades were in danger of him not passing M1. I think it probably depends on your DW's habits as well as her school. DH's med school really had a ton of work on the weekends, so it wouldn't have worked.

[Pollyanna]

Yeah, my initial response is with Suz. The med school years are really going to be the only part of this train ride where she'll have much time for the kids. Once clinicals start, it won't matter as much if you're geographically together, b/c she'll either be at the hospital or asleep.

Ditto.

[Meenah]

Welcome back Sam. I agree with Fluff, I would also move. The babes are young and should do well with the change, and it will be easier for you if you and your wife have each other at the end of the day, instead of three hours away. Of course, I have never done a long distance relationship!

With such little kids it might be easier to move although my vote is to stay where YOU have the most support and social connections - especially if there are helpful grandparents. I am biased as I live in Portland (our hometown) and my husband is in school in Los Angeles. When he is home he can really be home and he is doing very well in his classes as he can focus. However the program that he is in has him back here for his 3rd and 4th year rotations(most likely).

It would be really hard for me to study with the kids around and them needing me but it depends on your wife and her goals.

It is probably one of those situations that there is no clear-cut answer for. Keep posting - let us know what happens!

[v-girl]

I don't think my husband or I could have survived living apart during the week -- especially when our girls were little. The kids were his way to step away from medicine and books and studying for a little bit each day. I think without them he would have gotten burned out fast.

And he did great at bedtime -- he'd lay in the doorway of their room and read to them from whatever textbook he was studying.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

I don't think my husband or I could have survived living apart during the week -- especially when our girls were little. The kids were his way to step away from medicine and books and studying for a little bit each day. I think without them he would have gotten burned out fast.

And he did great at bedtime -- he'd lay in the doorway of their room and read to them from whatever textbook he was studying.

I bet that put them right to sleep

You're making me laugh out loud with the reading to kids from a textbook. Our 5 year old daughter has pilfered a physiology textbook from the pre-med studies and likes to look at the color illustrations and demand explanations of how the body works. I think that's what my wife was like at that age.

We had a long discussion and soul-searching session on Friday. (May 15 is _the_ announcement day in Canada; nobody does rolling admissions.) She did not get accepted to the med school in Edmonton (which is only ten minutes away from us with great transit access) -- which was a disappointment. But the program in Calgary is a much better fit for so many reasons: they are more friendly to nontraditional students, they provide many different approaches to the curriculum to suit individual learning styles and preferences, they're not PBL, it's a three-year program instead of four. If she'd been accepted to both I think it would have been a wrench to turn down Calgary.

Before, we thought that if this situation happened, we would definitely sell the house and move the whole family. But when faced with actually executing those plans we don't feel right about them. We live very close to family here -- my wife's parents live a short walk away, and both her sisters are nearby. I have good connections with the friends we've made in our time here. And commuter relationships are not uncommon here, with all the oilfield work in the North of our province.

Our plan so far is that next week she'll drive down to Calgary and meet with the undergraduate dean and staff to get an idea of what the program requirements really are. The only mandatory part of the program is simulated patient contact, which starts in the first week and runs through the first two years. But the small groups set their own schedules for that, so we might be able to swing four days down -- three days up, with the six hours of drive time being used to review lectures (all lectures are available electronically as MP3s). The question is going to be, can she leave med school behind on the drive and be ready to walk through the door and be a rockstar for three days. While I feverishly try to catch up on work.

I have to stop now (promised to go watch Star Wars Ep. 1 with my 5yo) but that's where we're at tonight: we're going to try out commuting and if it doesn't work, we'll move to Calgary and put the house on the market.

[Meenah]

Congratulations on deciding on a plan.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Is it possible to rent your house for the few years if you decide to move? That way when she's done, you can have "your house" back...if that's something you'd want (I'm assuming your more in-love with the area than the actual house...

[DCJenn]

That's kind of the situation we're facing with my husband and his being in a short-handed part of military medicine- he's going to have to be filling in at several military bases across the country- possibly for months on end. I'm keeping home base here and we'll visit when possible and he'll come home when possible. My son's personality does much better with stability since his first three years were utter chaos.

In fact, my husband would have to pretty much be sent to Germany or Hawaii before I'm uprooting this group again. One kid in school, 2 50 pound dogs, 2 geezer kitties are NOT move friendly!

I think you guys have a great tentative plan worked out. I think YOU will need the support and as most here can attest, it's all a lot easier when you have a network.

Jenn