Commuter Spouse to medschool?

[BonBon]

Ooooh - I like you.

LOL, I was just thinking the same thing!

Welcome, Sam!

PS - my dreams are still alive, but they are gasping for air and they are a far, far cry from my original plans!!!

[ladymoreta]

You know how you pack away clothes for a bit of time and you actually like them at the time you put them away? and then you drag them out for some reason and you find that they don't fit right and you don't really like them anymore? and so then you give them away and get new clothes? That's the metaphor for the dreams and aspirations of the medical spouse.

DCJenn, this is a completely perfect metaphor of my life. I know I'm only a little more than halfway through the training process, but this is so true. When I look at what I wanted for my life nine years ago (when I got married), those goals don't even sound interesting or appealing to me anymore.

Sam, the training process is tough, and your life probably won't be what you originally planned, but part of the beauty of being married is the "becoming one flesh". When you've committed to living for and with the person you love, you'll find that your life is more complete. Life changes the dreams you had when you were young, but that doesn't mean that you've failed - it just means that life has happened to you. Better than the alternative, right?

Sam,

DH is almost 3 years post fellowship so med school was a little while ago for us, but we were in a similar situation. At his med school, the first two years were at a regional campus - 10 minutes away from our house - but the last two years were 3 hours away. At the beginning of 3rd year, I was pregnant with our first and had a phenomenal job that I loved. We decided that he would move into an apartment in the new city, I would stay close to friends and family and continue to work in our hometown. It actually worked pretty well for a while (except when I went into labor at 11p.m. and he was 3 hours away but that is another story). After the baby was born, I would work all week and then leave Friday afternoon, drive the 3 hours and stay until Monday a.m. - drive back home, work all week. Basically rinse and repeat.

We made it almost 9 months doing this. It is definitely possible and if DH had been looking at residency in our hometown, we would have continued. But since he wasn't, I quit my job (still bitter about it!) and moved to be with him right before 4th year started.

I am glad that you and your wife have made a plan and having done something similar, albeit for a shorter time with less kids, it is possible. As for your dreams and aspirations - I am not the one to be giving advice there - DCJenn said it best!

We are glad to have you here and you definitely fit right in!

[Flynn]

Like every little boy, I dreamed of growing up to be swept off my feet and marry a doctor... little did I know of the YEARS OF TOIL and SOUL-CRUSHING DESPAIR that I would endure. (Soon to be a major motion picture!)

No, this is good. This kind of constructive cynicism fits perfectly with my coping strategies.

Right now there are a lot of ups and downs. I'm expecting more. The kids are half ready for her to be gone already, and half crying about her being gone before she's already left. Ten weeks (or so -- I should get a ticker!) until MS1 starts. Once things get going I think we'll start to settle into a pattern.

Sam -- you have the BEST attitude. My hat is off to you!
Humor worked for me too (most of the time).
We're almost three years OUT of the training lifestyle and I'm almost to the point where if someone says "but wasn't it worth it?" I don't feel like decking them.

MarissaNicole3 I hate to tell you but you'll have to sacrifice your dreams.

It's like saying becoming a parent doesn't change your life that much. Rubbish it totally does. As a mom you don't get to pee, eat or sleep when you want for YEARS. Yeah... medicine is like that.

Sorry to be your party crasher but that's the facts. The sooner you come to terms with that, the more intact of a person and of a relationship you will have at the end of the road. We are not exaggerating it's par for course. It is...what it is. I say this not to be a jerk, but to come to terms with this will save your marriage.

Sam, you sound awesome. Welcome You will make it as a dad, you sound very intuitive to what your family needs, and I think that is great. Hope you pick up your dreams and a well needed pint when it's all said and done.

eta, the sentiment above comes from a personal place, and I'm way to tired, and cranky - sorry!:

You know for either of you, seriously, finding the way to come to mental peace is seriously more than half the battle. I was really eaten up by the fact my ambitions never fit in, and now that they are slowly coming back, I too find what I want and/or what I can NOW live with for my own mental peace of mind is while not what I thought they would be, pretty satisfying overall. I've found that it's ok to change what I want, and do almost as much for my DH as I do for my kids. I want my kids to have mom around, so I choose to get my extras in where they can, and today were I am mentally, that is ok. It wasn't for a while, and I didn't like who I was. Now, I think I've found my boots strapped on once again.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

So I know I have a very limited perspective, as I said, DF is only in MS2/3 but I'm not sure how I feel about medicine "ruining my dreams". Perhaps this is incredibly naive but this is how I feel.

I never expected to be living in Ohio
I never expected to get married/engaged and only see my DF/DH 2 weeks/month
I never expected to be 1/4 million in debt
I never expected to raise my kids alone a lot of the time (I realize this hasn't happened yet but I expect it to)
And so on...

But I also can't imagine living my life without him.
I can't imagine him not being the father of my (someday, hopefully) children
I can't imagine not saying my vows to him on our wedding day
And so on...

I guess what I'm saying is that when I met him, my dreams HAD to change because of who he is. His might have had to change a bit too (his type: Jessica Alba, me: skinny white bread) though admittedly mine changed more. And although I know I'll miss those old dreams because I often do, the alternative sucks even more. I mean I guess I can parse and argue about who gave up more (ME) but that isn't going to change life. And since I'm still at the stage where I can make the choice, I've thought this through and I'm committed to it. It would be different if he were a career changer because then it's not what you signed up for but for a lot of us, at some point, didn't we make the choice that THIS is better than the alternative?

[DCJenn]

Ok- I think this thread needs to revert back to Sam.

Sam, Welcome aboard. You seem to have a thorough grasp of your impending journey and I hope we can be a support throughout!

Jenn

[Meenah]

Again, welcome back Sam. You will be fine, you sound like you really know what could be ahead of you.

[Meenah]

Cassy wrote

:I'm a hag-in-training, I suppose.

I love you Cassy!!!!! You are so down to earth and funny at the same time!

[Flynn]

Of course diving into your own interests and aspirations to busy yourself will be helpful, but honestly, how many of you were dreaming of your future with a spouse and said, "I can't wait to spend a lifetime of parallel existence with the love of my life, crossing paths approximately 3 times a week!" I'm sure many of us dreamed of lazy weekends together as a family and spontaneous pre-kid trips and family dinners. Our experience thus far has not been that bad, but we've only had Med 1, Med 2, and MHA. Like I always say, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, because it's going to. Not that I'm trying to sound miserable, I'm just realistic. I'm a hag-in-training, I suppose.

Cassy you are SO RIGHT on here.

[houseelf]

I'm a hag-in-training, I suppose.

\

Ooooh, Ooooh, oooh, can I play the Yoda part to the young padawans?

"Look as good after nine years of surgical residency you will not!"

"Judge me by my size, do you?"

Sorry, sometimes my inner geek can NOT be contained. It's quite embarrassing. Carry on as if the crazy lady didn't interject...

Kelly

[HouseofWool]

Awww Kelly - you crack me up!

[Michele]

I love your interjections Kelly!!

[Meenah]

What crazy lady?

[Flynn]

\

Ooooh, Ooooh, oooh, can I play the Yoda part to the young padawans?

"Look as good after nine years of surgical residency you will not!"

"Judge me by my size, do you?"

Sorry, sometimes my inner geek can NOT be contained. It's quite embarrassing. Carry on as if the crazy lady didn't interject...

Kelly

I love this!!!! I needed Yoda's advice during training to be more ZEN abou the whole thing. The "dark side" was just a crazy chuckle away for me all the time.