Little things that show you care

Hi all,

If you haven't read my intro from earlier today, I'm dating an MS2 taking his Step 1 in a couple weeks. Anyway, I'm looking for creative ideas on how to be supportive of him while he's studying all the time without taking up too much of his time (he doesn't even want to go out to dinner because it wastes studying time), and without spending too much $$. We're not very into cheesy shows of emotion, and most things I can think of (like writing him corny supportive notes) just seem too lame for us. It's trickier by the fact that we don't live together, and if I show up unannounced at his door I feel even MORE like I'm invading his studying time and space.

So anyway, my question is: What are your favorite little things to do to show you care? Obviously this question applies to spouses of residents, doctors, etc. too, who are limited by time with their SO.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

He has to eat sometime...I would pick up subs or whatever and bring them to med school studying basement hell to sit with him for a bit. I would also go to aforementioned hell to do my own work - we sat in silence, but were "together". And I picked him up from the library at all hours and drove him there in the morning - but we were already married come Step 1 time!

I think the best thing that I did for him was that I stopped having things that I expected him to do (family parties, double dates, etc...) If he felt up to it, or needed a break, HE decided what we (or he) did...if I had plans, that was OK, but if I didn't, we would spend time together. With all the pressure of Step 1, he didn't feel the pressure of home stuff so much.

Good luck!

P.S. Last Day of School - so I'm a bit crazy - sorry if the thoughts are a crazy...

[DCJenn]

We didn't meet until halfway through 3rd year but some things I've done are Starbucks cards, I've done his grocery shopping for him (Trader Joe's for frozen stuff he would actually eat), etc. I vaguely recall me going over to his place (we didn't live together- even after we got engaged, he stuff moved in with me but he was doing his rotations every where else) and cleaning it up and doing his laundry. (my hos times have changed...)

When he was leaving for his rotations I made a gift box of stuff for the road- rolls of quarters for the laundry rooms, gum, candy, maps, pre-addressed post-cards, etc.

Jenn

[spotty_dog]

Ah, Step 1. If I recall, it was all about the sammiches. Keep your fella fed, with nutritious stuff and not just what he can grab from a vending machine.

[MrsK]

Jenn, that's all so great! Truly, DrK is happy if I do laundry, make meals, and schedule an occassional social event. Food is a big thing. He gets all mushy when I pack him lunches when he has board exams. Lots of snacks and a little love note and he just melts.

[bokelley]

My husband is taking Step 1 in a few weeks, so I know all to well about what yours saying. Sometimes I feel like I am the 3rd wheel, between him and his Kaplan book or as I call it "his girlfriend". I know this might sound corny but the best thing i could think of was sending a card. I know we are married and live together, but hallmark.com will send cards for you. So i just send a Good Luck card to arrive right before he takes the test!! Just a little something to let him know I am still right here with him, through this whole thing. My husband takes his dinner in the library and that is about all i see of him. Another thing i do it put post-it notes somewhere i know he will look. In the toothpaste drawer that just say "thinking of you". This is such a stressful time for them and you, just know that it will get better!! I have become my husband's personal cheerleader, he is always saying how he is not ready (are the ever ready for this test). So i just go around and tell him how smart he is, and how proud of him I am. I think that they forget that we love them no matter what sometimes. They like to hear it as much as we do.

[MarissaNicole]

Lots of good ideas already posted so I am more going to elaborate. I would still send cards, it is nice to get mail. My DH and I are apart now for his family medicine rotation and I am going to try and send cards.

I agree with the starbucks cards or even Borders/Barnes and Noble.

Even though he will be studying for the boards I would still schedule visits. My husband studied very hard during the week and often needed to release a little steam so he usually took at least one night off a week. And even if he can't take a night or two off on the weekend I would still suggest that you visit because you can always help by cleaning up around his place, doing laundry (like already mentioned) grocery shopping or making his favorite meal. My husband and I would go to Borders or Barnes and Noble once a week when he was studying because we would enjoy a drink (a relatively cheap treat/splurge for those of us on a budget) and he would study while I would read a magazine or a book. It gave him a change of scenery and it gave me time to at least relax with him even if we weren't interacting.

Good luck to your boyfriend!

Thanks for all the suggestions guys!

[peggyfromwastate]

I don't know... DH took the Step 1 while we had 4 kids already. He studied at the school, then came home and did his regular routine. He limited himself to something like 12 hours of studying a day. He did fine on the exams, Step 2 I think was better than Step 1, but honestly all I can remember about those was that everyone made way too big a deal about them...

The biggest thing I did to support him was to let him go in to study every day, even on the weekends, and I made him mapquest how to get to the site to take the exam.

Does your BF study at USU in the library or at his apt? I think what may work best is if you tell him that you would like to see him for an hour or so, you'll bring some food, and you can hang out and have a break from studying. But try to get him out of the place where he's studying. Honestly, taking an hour off will do him some good.

And this is the jaded side of me: I just don't think it's fair (or a good precedent) when the med student or doctor expects life to stop for all others while he's studying for yet another exam...

[DCJenn]

Well, that is very true, Peggy. There's a reason why they call it Step One. What everyone fails to mention is Steps 5-infinity.

Jenn

Peggy, I appreciate your reply. I certainly try to keep in mind that this is just one in a long series of "steps"--both exams and otherwise-- that we'll have throughout the coming years. I'm trying to get a good handle on how to balance being supportive with giving him space because not only will it help us through step 1, but will help me gear up for how to get time with him during rotations, other study periods, etc.

What I've found so far is that food is truly the way to a man's heart, and that yes, he does have to eat at some point I grilled burgers last night and told him if he wanted to take a study break, there was a burger for him at my house; if not, i'd eat it! Needless to say, he showed up at my door ten minutes later, and took an hour break to eat with me.

Caitlin

[peggyfromwastate]

Needless to say, he showed up at my door ten minutes later, and took an hour break to eat with me.

Caitlin

And I'm sure the hour break did him loads of good!!!

Good luck with it all!! When is the test?

After being in the same place the rest of us find ourselves, cast aside and struggling for a way to be helpful but not intrusive and annoying, I realized that it is the very small things that make such a difference including just understanding the process.

Everyone has mentioned food. I used to bake things from scratch for DH to take to his study group with him. That made everyone involved much happier. Putting gas in DH's car and getting it washed for him occasionally was a huge hit since DH had a very long commute and often would forget to get gas and never washed his car.

Good Luck to your boyfriend!

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

All good suggestions!

DF is taking Step 1 in 3.5 weeks.

I actually help him study for at least an hour a night when I'm there. While most studying is solo, he's found that certain things like Micro cards that each contain a presenting patient are easier if I read them to him. It's too easy to know the answers any other way. Also, a lot of the Step 1 books have "high yield" facts at the back of the books that we quiz every night. And I make neumonics or name games to help him remember things.

I do all the dog walking, laundry, etc.

And while I agree he shouldn't get used to this, he does the same for me (cooking, cleaning, etc.) if I have a terrible week at work and work until midnight every night.

Plus, I kinda like to think I *might* be helping myself a little bit by helping him study. Doing better on the boards may give him a little more choice for residency (as long as he's not choosing something really really competitive that is only done at a few centers in the US) so I *might* end up getting to live closer to where I want during residency. But maybe that's just wishful thinking.

[MrsK]

All good suggestions!

Plus, I kinda like to think I *might* be helping myself a little bit by helping him study. Doing better on the boards may give him a little more choice for residency (as long as he's not choosing something really really competitive that is only done at a few centers in the US) so I *might* end up getting to live closer to where I want during residency. But maybe that's just wishful thinking.

I tried to help DrK study for the clinical boards. I don't think I was much help. He'd ask me to lift my blouse in the course of a physical exam and the lines between playing doctor and "playing doctor" would become blurred. Also, I had no idea if he was doing an exam properly and I was afraid to tell him if I thought he'd done something wrong. As for the non-clinical boards, I'm equally useless because I don't know the jargon. The best I can do is recommend he use my Bar exam study strategy to studying for boards but he just doesn't organize the way I do.