What should I do? Advice please!

Hi all,

I'm a first-time poster of this forum, and I'm so glad that a venue like this exists so that I can hear from all the "veterans" here.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm from Canada, currently a first-year student in a Master's program. My boyfriend is also in first year, medical school that is. We've known each other for quite a while but have started dating before medical school commenced.

Honestly, I'm not the best person on Earth to be with. I'm moody, clingy, demanding, but also not easily pleased. I'm VERY insecure when it comes to relationships. I had a very unhappy childhood, and have suffered from quite a lot of physical abuse when I was small. As a result, I really don't know how to deal with close relationships -- I long for someone to care about me, to love me, to think that I'm important to him. However, because of my insecurity, I need that person to constantly (and I really mean CONSTANTLY) to prove that he loves me. I need to constantly monitor his every word and every move. If I feel that he doesn't want to see me or doesn't want to talk to me, I'll become very suspicious of him and critical of myself -- I'll think that maybe he really doesn't love me (or else why won't he want to see me???), and maybe he doesn't love me because I'm not beautiful enough or I'm not a good match for him. Yes, I have very low self-esteem, and this is not doing any good to my insecurity.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, lacks skills and finasse when it comes to relationship. He's very shy, conservative, and doesn't know how to express himself or his emotion. He's like your typical surgeon -- stick to the point, not emotional, things that he said to show that he cares will usually sound more harsh than anything. I KNOW that he does care about me a lot, and when I calm down or when everything is going well, I know that I'm very important to him. However, because I'm such a sensitive person, and because he isn't a "smooth talker", very often he'll push the wrong button for no reason and I'll get all pissed about what he said (but it always turns out that he doesn't really mean what I think he means).

He's my first love (and so am I to him). So you can guess that our inexperience in relationship, coupling with the stress he and I have at school, aren't making this any easier. I feel like my insecurity (and my quick temper) will sooner or later damage this relationship, and I really don't want it to happen. And I guess as many of you know, things would only get worse when he's doing clerkship or residency.

I've read a lot of the messages in this forum, and I really admire the way you trust your SO. I really want to establish this trust in me. I don't want to get angry so easily because of just some minor things he said to me. Is there anything I can do to control my insecurity? How do I trust him? I know it sounds like a very stupid question, but I really would like to hear what you have to say. Thanks a lot for your help.

Armi

[DCJenn]

Armi-

You can't make yourself 'try' to trust him. It has to develop over time. You have to take the information you have- he's demonstrated to you in the past, you know he's not the worlds greatest communicator, etc., and weigh that against what you're imagining- and chances are your head is running way ahead of the reality of the situation. My advice is to think before you act- take a step away from the situation and ask yourself if what has upset you is your head telling you some thing or if you have a legitimate complaint.

We all have found that sometimes the best place to come is here- then you can get a read on a situation and see how it appears to relatively impartial strangers.

Trust is something that grows over time. and you have to learn to trust yourself- that's your first issue- you're not trusting yourself to make the right decisions.

Good luck-

Jenn

[Meenah]

Hi armi,
I agree with Jenn (as usual!!). Have you considered couples counseling? Just to learn to communicate in a healthier way. It may help to do so before the relationship suffers ( as you have already predicted). The going gets pretty tough, and there are going to be many days where he only has the energy to get out of bed and brush his teeth. It is an emotional roller coaster. Welcome aboard.
Luanne

[SueC]

It does seem like couples counseling would be a good idea. Since med school is so demanding, it is easy to let the imagination wander in their absence and sometimes you do have to get by on a little less attention during a particularly difficult rotation. It is good that you want to work on this now instead of waiting until your relationship is in a crisis. My sister is somewhat similar to what you have described in that she becomes pretty suspicious of whomever she dates and needs lots of attention from her partner. She has used my other sister and I as a "reality check"--she will call us and describe what is going on to make her suspicious or whatever is making her feel unloved and we'll give her our impression. Usually, we are able to help her think a little more rationally before she acts on those feelings. I think its nice sometimes to have an outsider's perspective, as long as they are someone who has your best feelings at heart. Feel free to come here and express yourself! Medical school can be incredibly straining on even the most solid relationships!

Hi Armi,
I have to agree with Luanne and Jenn. I think you should probably get some sort of counseling or therapy together. It may be a good idea to see somebody on your own to work out some of the problems you've had stemming from childhood. Residency can be very tough on a relationship. You should basically be in the frame of mind to not count on him for much because with the long hours and hard work they will get home so tired they cant see straight. I am alone with my children alot. I've gotten to the point that I actually like my alone time now, which was unlike me years ago. I found it best to not expect much that way you'd be pleasantly surprised on occasions they were actually home more. I wish you luck. Any relationship can get over obstacles, it just takes hard work at times

I agree with what everyone else has said too. I think you are at a good starting place because you are aware of your insecurities and his "lack of finesse". You both need to keep TALKING AND TALKING AND TALKING to each other about all of this. That is what will get you through. It is when the communication isn't there, that your mind can blow things totally out of proportion. It is important to talk about all of this though when you are calm and not in the heat of the moment.

I think counseling would be helpful for you. Couple counseling is important but personal counseling could help you solve some of the issues that you have from your growing up years. It can help with your self-esteem issues and how you handle things. I wish you all the best. Let us know how things are going and welcome to the board!

Robin

I agree too--counseling can do wonders. It's so nice to have a 'disinterested party' lay things out on the table for you. I don't know what Mike and I would have done without it, and we're planning to start it back up as a couple when we move to our new location. We're only now (after 5 years together) starting to sort through all the bad stuff we've been carrying around from the early days of our relationship, and I'm floored to see how a little of the right communication at the time it happened could have been avoided totally.

Trust comes with time, after you've gone through a whole bunch of things together. I used to feel insecure when I watched "ER" because everyone was having sex all over the place, and we definitely weren't having any at home, and could there be some truth to what's on the TV? Needless to say, I got over it and it's become a standing joke between us.

My therapist had me read "Why Marriages Succeed and Fail" by John Gottman, and it helped immensely. There's a section in there about things you can do to build trust and strengthen your relationship that you might find really helpful. Best of luck to you--it's hard work but it's worth doing.

[houseelf]

Armi,

You have already received great advice, in particular, Elizabeth's recommendation of the book "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail".

I came away from reading your post thinking about some of our friends' marriages. In my unprofessional and unsolicited opinion, there is such a thing as self-fulfilling prophecies in relationships. I have seen relationships where one partner is so convinced that the other partner will leave or cheat that it becomes an issue where it otherwise would not be. In the end, this suspicion and insecurity almost impels the other partner to do the thing that s/he fears most.

On one hand, if you think that you have valid reasons to distrust your partner, trust your gut because it will usually lead you in the right direction. If, on the other hand, these fears stem from underlying esteem issues, you need to work through these issues. From my own experience, a partner can not solve the deficiencies that lie within us. We are responsible to make ourselves whole, albeit with the loving support of our partners, in order to build the best relationship that we can.

Obviously, this is an area that I had to work through myself. I can tell you that once you remove this unfounded suspicion and insecurity from your life, you will be able to build a better, more real relationship. I made this realization the summer before I met the man that I would eventually marry and while we have our issues, this is the most real and solid relationship that I have ever been in. Best of luck in your journey.

Kelly

[Auspicious]

Hmmm, Armi. I think I've waited to reply to your post because it's really struck a nerve with me--you sound a lot like my boyfriend when our relationship first started two years ago. You have a very different set of symptoms, but a common root. He, too, spent his early years getting the crap kicked out of him on a regular basis and, yes, it affected his ability to form adult relationships. Entering into a serious relationship--particularly your first serious relationship--will cause all that childhood stuff you've kept a handle on to shoot straight to the surface and cause some turbulence in your life.

Let's say for the sake of argument that it's true that you're "not the best person on Earth to be with" and "moody, clingy, demanding" etc. (My bf's doubts used to center around the idea that he was "damaged goods.") That doesn't change these two facts:

1. You are worthy of being, and deserve to be, loved. I think somehow abused kids are led into believing that they're supposed to earn it or demand it or something, whereas other people sort of implicitly know that love flows toward us just because that's the way life works. Just accept your lovability as a fact. I think it can help to move that idea to the front of your mind when you're feeling insecure.

2. No matter what the past is, no matter how terrible, now that you're an adult you still have the ability (and responsibility) to choose your own future. I think it can help to move that idea to the front of your mind when you feel like losing your temper or giving up on the relationship or whatever negative pattern you tend to repeat (everybody's got one). Just because someone has tried to hand a certain fate to you doesn't mean you have to accept it.

I had to remind my boyfriend of both of these things on a regular basis for like a year before he really accepted them, so I don't expect that this post is going to change your life or anything. That's why pretty much everyone here has recommended counseling--some problems are just too complex to be solved on the Internet, though they definitely can be solved. (And though we definitely want to help.)

Finally, I agree with Kelly's point (actually I agree with just about everything that's been said here) that a partner can't solve any deficiencies that lie within us. I would love to "fix things" for my boyfriend, but it just doesn't work that way--he's totally been the hero of his own story, just as you are the hero of yours. (And I have to be the hero of mine--I don't mean to make it sound like he's the only one with baggage in the relationship, but that's a separate post. )

So I apologize for a(nother) overly long post, and for making it sound like a bad Oprah episode and/or a cheesy after-school special, but like I said, this topic strikes a nerve with me so I had to throw in my two cents. I fully believe that a couple years from now you can be looking back at this point in your life and marveling at how problems that once seemed inscrutible have unraveled and smoothed out because of your efforts. I wish I could skip you ahead to that point.

Good luck and keep us posted.

--Julie

[Meenah]

Don't let your past be who you are, but a part of who you become.
Luanne